A spouse that spends too much and puts you constantly in debt?

What would you do?

I had a friend who was the sole supporter of his family. They had 2 kids. To prevent her from spending more than they made he took away all her credit cards and gave her enough money to run the house each week.

After a few years she did something illegal to get more money, a monthly check from the government, and he accidently found out when he came home early from work and got the mail.

He told me, his best friend, and we drove down to the District Attorney's office with all the evidence and had a little discussion. There was a trial, I testified and she was deported without her 2 kids.

What would you do?

 

I got rid of her. That wasn't the only reason, of course. She had clearly lost interest in me and was frantically doing everything she could to make herself as useless and repulsive as possible. She's now (according to her) doing the same thing to her current boyfriend. She seems to have a maximum shelf life in her relationships, but at least she's not burying me in a mountain of unwanted debt anymore.

 

I think it's something that needs to be discussed (not a fleeting 10 minute conversation, but in depth) before you marry the person. Watch their spending and saving habits prior to marriage. I think once you get married, it's too late to start discussing it. I mean, nothing is doomed to fail but getting a sense of these issues before you marry the person, is wise.

In your friend's case, looks like that was the only choice, since she started breaking the law to get more money.

 

Maximum shelf life in relationships, I like that statement. IMO its normal even in simple friendships and sometimes with your own children. My son and I only phone each other once a month because we have so little in common. His views on important issues like politics, black lives matter, covid, etc. are opposite mine. So all we talk about is weather and his truck.

 

My reply: These things happen in human relationships. I'm 66, and I live with my 91 year old dad, who I get to helpl with heavier things he can't manage. We avoid political and religious discussions also, as we are polar opposites, just like he and mom were. I visit my son once every week, as he lives in another small town. We do lunch and go shopping together for whatever we might need for the week. We can talk about anything between us without getting heated, but I've never tried to be overbearing with him, either. Dad tried to control every aspect of my life and actually believed he succeeded. He was wrong. I told him that my trust cannot be controlled, coerced, bullied, intimidated, or bought, and I made him see it when the deputies came and took him away for a week. Dad can be pretty sharp, but his narcissism and apparent lack of empathy makes for difficult relationships. None of his friends have come over in years, and mom died alone because he couldn't leave the rest of us alone to enjoy a visit with her without trying to break it up and invent something for everyone to do for him.

If you and your son stick to weather and trucks you'll likely do well. Causing unnecessary aggravation and tension only makes people leave your life.

 

Surface relationships are very shallow and its like not talking about the big white elephant in the room. I am very deep and love to get to the nucleus of thought and situations. So the shallowness is almost painful. I just can't seem to grasp how he is so mesmorized by others and does not think for himself. I feel that with time cognitive dissonance will cause him to wake up.

 

My first wife did this and it took my dumb ass 25 years to realize it was happening because I was so in love with her. She asked for the divorce, I was devastated but granted her request. I'm now remarried and much happier and always have expendable cash on hand. According to my oldest son my ex is doing the very same thing to the man she is with today. I knew it.

 

My wife makes a whole lot more than I do but she spends it like water which is fine. She has a good business mind. She enjoys life without putting us in the poor house.

 

My ex wife thought money grew on trees. Drained one of our savings accounts and was writing checks from our joint checking. Removed her from both. The divorce cost me $$$$$. Fortunately I bought my house before I met her and never succumbed to her request to put her on the title. No child support or alimony.
Current wife worked in banking for years, but hasn't worked in 14 years. She's gotten loose with my money in the past and I've taken her/my credit cards more than once, and I knew she needed one for basic stuff. She has it back...... Again. We're basically roommates with me paying the bills. The house is paid off, my 35 yr career retirement is good. Divorce would ruin me financially.

 

"Do unto others as they do unto you" ??

 

We dont have a joint account and thus makes things much simpler . The bills are paid and anything else is our respective monies to spend as we please .This arrangement works for us .

As a former banker based in the UK ,thats how banks make money on joint accounts by them going over drawn . You have no idea what your OH is spending in the shops and if you need a new hole making machine to do that DIY job , this could result in the account going overdrawn .

 

You and me both brother. I ended mine 10 years ago and now I have more money than I know what to do with.

 

The same damn thing!

 

Okay, I'm sure this isn't the best place. BUT, just fuck her off. Plain and simple.
I'm a little curious how and why you and her husband happened to throw her toward the authorities without even giving her a chance to explain.
To be honest here, you and her hubby are the problem.

 

Ok, yes definitely. Her hubby is a control freak.

 

That's definitely one very practical solution, glad it works for you!

The way I've handled this - successfully - in both of my marriages has been to have 3 kinds of money: Our money, Your money, and My money.
Our money goes toward all mutual expenses, and My money and Your money are to be spent at the absolute and unquestionable discretion of the bearer. Want to light yours on fire? Do as you please. I have plans for mine, and I don't justify them to anyone. It's been quite effective at keeping financial arguments to virtually nil. We each get an allowance every week, and we blow it however we want without affecting the other. Credit to my dad for giving me that framework half my life ago.