A solitary lifelong journey, and asking "why?"

From as far back as I remember, I've only been attracted to other males; I never had any interest whatsoever in the female anatomy.

As I approached my teens, my life at school became a nightmare; not that I ever exhibited any "gay" tendencies, but, because I refused to give into "peer pressure" (pot, drugs, sex with females) and preferred to "go solo", so to speak, I was beaten up too many times to count by ignorant bullies who outnumbered my skinny self at least 5-to-1.

I ended up with ulcers by age 14, and had to change school twice.

By the time I entered high school, things were much, much better, and though, I had no close buds or divulged anything about myself (outside of my hobbies) I greatly enjoyed my last few years of high school.

It was not until I was in my early 20's that I started to see gay male magazines on the newsstand racks; I then realized I was not, by far the ONLY male to be attracted to other males.

Still, I had no idea where to meet other men like myself, and kept my sexuality hidden.

In 1986, while I was on vacation with a straight friend (also a co-worker), things came to a head, in a manner I certainly did not expect.

My "friend" (an organist at his church, no less) kept on badgering me to go to a strip joint with him.

He would not let up; I flat-out refused to go.

When he sneeringly asked if I were gay, I replied, honestly, that I was, but had NO desires whatsoever towards him.

I cannot go into too much detail (it's still difficult for me to relate this) but this "friend" beat me up to the point I was black and blue for two weeks after.

I was truly terrified for my life, but never uttered a sound.

I think that's what this sick-minded man wanted, was for me to beg him to stop.

I had NO IDEA he was that homophobic.

I changed my train reservations and was able to get a train going back east that afternoon.

I limped for several days afterwards, and told my mother that I had tripped going down a flight of steps from the El station, and banged myself up a bit.

Thankfully, she didn't question what I said.

At work, this sicko avoid me like the plague; I SHOULD have reported him, but, as i was not "out" at the time, I vetoed that idea.

Around 1995, I slowly "came out" to those guys I trusted at work; none of them cared anything that I was gay....I was still who I was.

My family, thankfully, also was quite accepting (actually, several had long assumed that I was gay); however, one of my older brothers refused to talk to me for months; he could not come to terms with having a gay "brother".

Did it hurt?

You have no idea.

My other brother was 100% supportive from the start; my other brother finally came around, and we had a pretty good relationship going until he passed away.

My best friend at work was a big, hulking (straight/married) older Italian guy (he laughed when I told him how much he turned me on!)

As we were as close as true brothers, despite some differences, we had enough common ground to forge a really tight (and insane!) fun friendship.

We always thought of each others as brothers; he passed away of cancer 12 years ago, and i still mourn his passing.

He was like a huge bodyguard, and ALWAYS looked out for my well-being, may he rest.

When I first joined this board, I identified myself as "bi", to better "connect" with some of the other guys here.

Through many fellows here, I learned even more about courage and honesty, and that gave the "push" I needed to say, "Hey, I'm gay, but that still does not change the kind of man I am."

Not surprisingly, given what happened to me so many years ago, I have remained celibate (for 65 years; I know this is hard to believe), and, I have come to finally accept the fact, that, if living a solitary lifestyle guarantees personal safety and well-being, well, that's a small price to pay to avoid unsavory individuals and dangerous situations, not to mention STD's, etc.

Sure, it gets as lonely and frustrating as all HELL, but, thankfully, I have many hobbies that keep my days and nights occupied.

Anyone who looks at me, or talks to me, has no idea I am gay; I conform to no stereotypes, and simply come off as a quiet, low-key guy (aka "the old bachelor")

Just because I prefer men to women, does not mean I have to relinquish my masculinity.

I have endured much hell over the past several decades, and have seen a number of therapists.

What have I learned?

Be myself.

Live quietly.

Be honest with those close to you.

Enjoy what I have.

And, when I look for a "best friend", one I can TRUST, I only have to look into the mirror.

I have "met" several really great guys here, fellows that I "message" back and forth, exchanging ideas and talking on any of a number of interesting subjects.

Thank you for taking the time to read this lengthy post.......

John

 

Ironically, in later years, I found out that the "friend" who bashed me for admitting I was gay had become a Catholic priest, but later, left the priesthood and got married..

How I hoped that no gay man ever went to him for consultation, confession, or anything else for that matter (if he had sons, I pray none were gay)

To this day, I will have disturbing dreams of that bashing, and this "friend", that still have the power to leave me disturbed upon waking.

Obviously, he never lost any sleep over the beating he gave me, back in 1986.

WHY was I beaten up?

Because I dared to respond HONESTLY when he sarcastically asked if I were gay.

The level of homophobia and bigotry in today's society, despite the fighting for equality and equal rights in society is still quite frightening.

Despite the strides made by the LGBT community over the years, there are still so many more battles to be fought..

Fought, I might add, with courage, dignity, and self-respect.........

 

Papasmurph:

I am, at once, humbled, honored, and touched by your response; you, sir, are not only a truly decent human being, but, also, a true gentleman.

I thank you, sir!

I think you hit the nail right on the head, regarding the "friend" who bashed me simply for being honest with him.

When he had kids of his own, God forbid he had a son who was gay.

This "friend", clearly, had (serious) deep-seated issues.

Strangely enough, if someone told me that they could make me straight at that instant, I would say know.

From what I've gone through (and, being a man who'll risk his life to help anyone in distress) I would not want to be straight, either.

I'd rather NO feelings for either gender.

These days, there is far too much domestic violence, abuse, divorce.......this is another reason why I have so much respect and admiration for ANY couple (straight/gay/bi) who treat eat other with RESPECT and would NEVER do anything to imperil their bonds.

Being a 65-year old celibate man who (IMHO) has no looks, no physique, no money, and a hernia, all I COULD have given to another gay fellow in a mature, one-on-one relationship is my love, respect, and faithfulness.

I have learned over many years, that, even though YOU might treat someone else as YOU wish to be treated, things do not often reciprocate in your favor.

Oh, well....that's life, I guess.

I live quietly, derive great pleasure from my many hobbies, and take one day at a time.

Sometimes, a man must resolve to make the best of the situation he finds life has placed him in.

Again, many thanks for your sincere and most welcome views and comments.....

 

.....when a gay/bi man is lucky enough to "journey" through life in a largely straight world, he is indeed more fortunate.....more blessed.....than he realizes, when he has a partner/close friend to travel along with him.

A "journey" through life, however, by a gay/bi man who is traveling alone through the many pitfalls and land mines buried in the road of daily life, can be quite harrowing, frustrating, and depressing.

Believe me, I know.

This is when a man's true inner courage and strength indeed come into focus..........and, also, to be drawn upon...

 

I think your biggest problem are others .

I am referring to those who are judgemental and have very homophobic tendencies .

I detest anyone who are prejudiced whether it be race ,gender or anything else .

One should be free to follow whatever journey they decide on, without others trying to poke their beak where its not wanted .

 

I could not agree more, my friend.

Amazing (and sickening, also) how many ultra-religious use their Maker as an excuse to exhibit prejudice and hatred towards others....ANYONE different from themselves..

The subject of religious bigots is a subject unto itself (and it is not pretty)

I am no Bible authority, but I DO know, that, somewhere in its pages you will find the following:

"....judge not, lest ye be judged....."

I was raised very simply:

"...treat others as you wish to be treated....."

That is how I have lived my life......

 

........these days, it seems as though sensitivity, decency, kindness, generosity, and common courtesy have virtually evaporated from daily life.

One of the reasons (IMHO) I feel that so many bigots (of all kinds) are so volatile is that there is something about THEMSELVES they they are not comfortable with, and, by using bigotry as a weapon, takes the "spotlight" away from their own shortcomings and petty ignorance.......

 

Thank you so much for sharing your life story with us, John. It is truly inspiring how much strength and courage a person can have, even through the great suffering that life can bring.

I totally agree with Papa Smurf in his evaluation of your "friend". Even as I was reading it I immediately saw the most likely explanation for his violent response to your confession. There's no question in my mind that it came from a deeply repressed gay side of himself that he was terrified and deeply ashamed of. Even someone like me, who acted on his gay desires and tried very hard over a long period of time to accept them to ever increasing degrees, was still heavily influenced by my own internalized homophobia, which you can read about in another thread--in fact many threads. But when your self hatred is so deep as his clearly was, it can explode in raged-filled violence like his did. I just wish that you had the wisdom way back then to understand that his violence was actually never directed at you at all, but only himself.

Then your revelation that he went into the priesthood and then left it confirms my suspicion completely. He sought safety from himself in the priesthood, if not redemption. But I bet that his time in the church, especially the Catholic Church, only made his gay desires, and his self-hatred, paradoxically stronger. It is so ironic that he fled to an institution that was filled with so many repressed gay men. Then his running away from that by getting married was just another attempt on his part to run away from his homosexuality, at least bisexuality, and I'm sure it was no more a success as beating you or the priesthood was. They were all attempts at hiding from, and somehow trying to change, his truth, which cannot be changed. I feel great sorrow for that man, and everyone out there like him.

You clearly are the opposite, a man who's honest with himself and others, and lives his truth, albeit not sexually. I could not do that myself, but it clearly has worked for you. Who knows what will come in the future, as 65 is still very young. You sound like an incredible person, and someone who would be a wonderful friend to any fortunate person. I wish you all the very best, John.

Love,
Gary

 

Gary:

Many, many thanks for your kind words, my friend; they are much appreciated!

As I had said, I just like my life as simply and as quietly as possible: I bother no one, and, so far, no one bothers me.

Reading your "evaluation"of my "friend" read like a professional therapist's analysist's patient evaluation; to be very honest, I NEVER thought of this guy as having ANY supressed m/m attractions. I just saw him as a violent,dangerous bigot, one who wanted to inflict pain on me, simply for being honest and open as to who I REALLY was.

I truly feared for my life that day.

I once worked (for nearly 25 years) in a large financial institution, surrounded by hundreds of men each day.

I knew there were many who were quite gay tolerant, while others.....let's just say I wouldn't want any of them as even a casual friend, no matter how much they might have turned me on.

Sometimes, I have found, the most "simple"of people are often the most complex; I am as "basic" as a man can get, and yet, there are many, many complexities within my mind, heart, and soul that all combine to make me what I am today.

I conform to no stereotypes; never have, never will.

I am as masculine as any straight male; only my attraction to other men sets us apart.

I have gone to many therapists through my (adult) life; though, I cannot honestly say that I ever found 100% satisfaction with any of them, I DID appreciate another male who was a "sounding board" for me, allowing me to honestly and maturely talk about myself in a dignified manner.

Yes, being 65, gay, alone, and celibate CAN.......and IS......VERY lonely.....and FRUSTRATING......but, as I have a "bachelor's degree" in bachelorhood, I have become a man who, though quite reclusive, can STILL walk with his head held high, knowing that, regardless of my sexuality, I am STILL a man of courage, dignity, and honesty.....just a humble human being who simply believes in treating OTHERS as he WISHES to be treated.

Though I trust very few, I would GLADLY sacrifice my life so that someone else might live.

Again, Gary, I thank you for your kind words and support.......MUCH appreciated, most certainly!

John

 

If being a gay/bi ADULT male in today's all-too-often homophobic society is full of uncertainty and many trials, just imagine what it is like for a teen/young adult,who is not straight.

I've heard of too many horror stories regarding this; bullying, taunting, physical violence, and, sadly, parents who disown their own child because of their sexuality.

How can ANYONE suggest that these young people CHOSE to be gay or bi?

If young gay/bi teens are lucky enough to have parents who LOVE and SUPPORT them, no matter WHAT their sexuality may be, they are, indeed, both fortunate and blessed.

May "The Man Upstairs" be with such young people, every step of the way.........

John

 

Thought for the day:

Many years ago, the word "gay" meant "happy" (i.e. "a gay tune", "bright, gay colors", "a gay personality", "I was feeling cheerful and gay this morning")........

Today, of course, and for the past several decades, "gay" has a totally different meaning.....and, sad to say, there is all too often much heartache, heartbreak, and mental anguish associated with the word "gay".

And bigoted, insensitive terms such as "queer", "fag", "homo", and "half-fag" are simply cruel and ignorant.

The word "queer" also was used quite differently, long ago:

"The sky had a queer color to it."

"I feel so queer right now."

So far as labeling, it's indeed so distasteful.....and demeaning.........and can indeed inflict deep emotional wounds (trust me, I know); think of how much we can LEARN from each other....instead of looking to find the DIFFERENCES in one another, why not focus on WHAT we ALL have in common?

Makes sense to me.......

 

For those (gay, or bi) men like myself, who have to deal with matters big and small alone, common sense in indeed the virtue.

In this day and age, when many people are NOT what they seem to be, thinking with your MIND, and NOT what's "down below", I feel, is the way to operate.

In my case, celibacy and loneliness is, in all honesty, a SMALL price to pay (though it DOES cut DEEPLY all too often) for the guarantee you will not be bashed, abused, abandoned, or backstabbed.

To each his own, of course, but that is how I, personally, feel.......

 

I read awhile ago, that King Mongkut of Siam (Thailand today), once compared life's journeys with Buddhist teachings:

".....roads are not for destinations, they are for journeys......."

To me, that makes quite a bit of sense; however, ANY "journey" on life's roads is all too often full of dead-ends and detours......and, if one traveling "solo", you must rely on your own common sense and gut feelings, to choose the right "road".......

 

I think we all need to train in looking past the ubiquitous homophobia out there, and the internalized homophobia that we all have to some extent, and accept our own personal sexuality, whatever it is. In 2013, after 21 years of sex with men, I finally not only accepted my bisexuality, which I hadn't yet up to that point, but I rejoiced in it, was very proud to call myself bisexual (to myself, because I'm still in the closet), and actually loved that aspect of myself, very much. Then over the next 9 years to present day, I gradually accepted my ever growing gay side more and more, until I now not only feel mostly gay, and accept it, but rejoice in it, and I'm very happy about it.

"Gay" is a very beautiful word to me now, despite what society thinks of it. I feel so comfortable around gay men of all types. I guess I feel an identity with it, and I am totally happy with my gayness. And "queer" is also a beautiful word, and I love people who identify with that. What I'm saying is, I just do not share what most of society feels towards those words and people who identify with them. And in some ways I don't care.

But in other ways I do care, especially because it has so much hate and fear built into the view. And certainly the other derogatory terms used in association with that hatred and fear bothers me. I guess it's still something that I need to work on. I would love to get into a place where some queer and gay people are, where I truly don't give a shit about any of society's or individuals' views, and just openly live my truth. It would be wonderful if all of us could get there someday. and of course it would be ideal if all straight and cisgender people would get there too, and homophobia and gender-phobia disappears entirely.

 

... or just follow a guide who has already travelled the road and knows all the parts to avoid and the right parts to take. That's actually the Buddhist way.

 

Makes sense to me.....thank you!