A Poem

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by ChaosPandion, Apr 25, 2007.

  1. ChaosPandion

    ChaosPandion Member

    The River

    Ivory powder upon this table,

    My existence has become a disgusting fable.

    Being chained to this life increases my strife.

    Demons chase me to the river;

    A fine white line lies between me and the trigger.

    What does this poem mean to you? Does it make you think?
  2. heeh2

    heeh2 Senior Member

    cocaine...and no
  3. dylanzeppelin

    dylanzeppelin daydream believer

    definitely about drugs. The ivory power and white lines. Although it sounds like it could be a life or death situation as well. Someone is feeling down or lost and feel the urge to use drugs to escape the problems that the person is having. Interesting.
  4. The same as a prepackaged burger meal that you buy in a supermarket, put together with some mcain oven chips

    Yes, it makes me think I would have spent my time better reading something else
  5. ChaosPandion

    ChaosPandion Member

    Please, If you can't show a little bit of respect do not post.
  6. why? isnt that the point of posting that stuff so you can see if youre writing is as crap as you thought it was ?
  7. ChaosPandion

    ChaosPandion Member

    I want criticizm yes...

    But you don't have to speak it like that.
  8. You are a genius of the highest magnitude, Byron, Shelley, Keats were all fakes compared to you. Your writing will live forever, there happy now?
  9. ChaosPandion

    ChaosPandion Member

    Now you went in the opposite direction but at least it made me smile.:)
  10. dude - as you are in the mood for laughing and never became obnoxious my real thoughts are that you lack inspiration. Anyone can write how they feel but not everyone tells it in the way people want to read it. I think personal expression of emotions is something that is best left till you learn how to tell a story that exists outside yourself

    have a look at this dudes work
    (John Cooper Clarke entry on wikipedia)

    his home page
  11. White Scorpion

    White Scorpion 4umotographer

    The question should be what does it make "you" think, ChaosPandion. All I can see is someone who's a bit lonely, scrolling out a few words, and adding a bit of the devil's dandruff in the stanzas (if you can call them that) trying to make himself look exciting.

    My suggestion would be to try to understand the world before you expect the world to understand you. You're just a speck on it, just like every other person.

    What gave you the idea to write poetry in a public forum in the first place? Did you honestly think that everyone will give you praise?

    You might be a nice person. If so, there are many other subforums in here where you can find as much hypocritical love as your heart can bear. There are plenty of ways of having fun here without asking critique on what will inevitably prove to be a sore point.

    My suspicion is that you crave attention, and have deliberately posted a mediocre poem(if you can call it that) in order to get negative reactions from people, and to laugh at the kind souls who sympathize with you.
  12. ChaosPandion

    ChaosPandion Member

    I expected attention yes. I make no claims of being a good poet though Having less than a years expiereience dealing with the art of poetry . I put this up with expectations of constructive criticizm. Content wise the poem is generic. I wrote it from a writing prompt. Really what I wanted help with is rythm and rhyme. What I didn't expect is people overgeneralizing on a forum thinking they know more about the world then I do.

    Please if you dont want to help a budding poet dont. But if you feel like taking time out to give pointers then post. My great inspiration has not arrived yet as Ronald has so graciously pointed out. But when it does... I hope to have the skills to put it into beautiful form.

    No hard feeling though friend.

  13. White Scorpion

    White Scorpion 4umotographer

    Alright, ChaosPandion. I re-read my post and it sounds very negative. That doesn't achieve anything, so first of all, if you are sincere about poetry, don't give up. My advice will be to write 5 poems when you feel the urge to do so, then post the best one in here. I bet you will notice a vast improvement in it yourself. Try and be your own biggest critic. Good luck.
  14. ChaosPandion

    ChaosPandion Member

    perhaps my query at the end of the poem was misconstrued?

    Maybe I should have asked

    "What do you think of the form of the poem? Is the rhyme scheme childish? What about the overal beat of the poem? Is it easy/fun (If that is the right word) to read?"

    All be told thats what questions I wanted answered. It's very hard to find someone to construct criticizm with out being overly friendly or overly harsh. I always receive such responses as "Oh, thats cool man!" or "It really sucks!". Then of course when I ask the question why I get no response.

    As for WhiteScorpians theory that I am just very lonely. Well that may not be that far from the truth. If you think about it though who doesn't go through periods of lonliness in their lives. I just don't let it bother me.

    As for your suggestion WhiteScoripian I say thank you. I have a small collection of poems that I might consider posting on this forum just for shits and giggles. Perhaps in the future I can expect some criticizm on the ones I post. Ronald thank you for pointing me toward John Cooper Clarke. His work is very humorous and uniuqe. Perhaps I might draw inspiration from his work.

    Anyway like I said before I do this with expectations of inspiration in the future. If anyone else happens to come across this thread and has something to say about my poem say it (Be it negative or not). I was wrong to chide Ronald for his opinions. (Inside I did laugh when I read them even thoug they were against me).

    To poetry.
  15. dude, if I thought your poem was really crap I wouldnt have written any advice at all or asked if you had given up a dayjob to do poetry, but with yours I realised you hadnt been writing long so I thought I would let you know it was a bit to rough to be a diamond

    Still, only experience in diamond cutting will cut a perfect diamond
    better write some more dude, and erm be sure to look out for ronnies criticisms theyre always the truth -

    He said his heart bled and I didnt care
    I'd had my fingers through his girlfriends hair
    and all the time he spoke of her leaving
    I kept hearing her whispered voice
    gently sweet through her heavy breathing
    and when he mentioned tears
    I thought of her sweating brow and matted hair
    no the sucker said his heart bled
    what should I care
    I've run my fingers through his girlfriends hair
  16. ChaosPandion

    ChaosPandion Member

    It may seem as if they don't care.
    In the end though the world is somewhat fair.
    Harsh words may hurt for just a while,
    In the end though just laugh hard and then smile.

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