today, PJ has been gone a month. I'm having a hard day. I wrote this last night: tomorrow you will have been gone for a month. I'll have a month's worth of nights of sleep without hearing you say you love me first. a month's worth of days we don't get to tell each other about. a month. I miss you so much. lately it feels like there is nothing tying me anywhere anymore. and in most ways, I guess there isn't. I could spend the rest of my life driving from town to town, staying until I had the money for another tank of gas, refusing to plant roots anywhere else because it just feels like I don't have any room in me to do that anymore. I'm 18 years old. you'll never get to know me when I'm 19, but that will happen next month. so what kind of fucking sense does it make for you to be gone? why the fuck does that have to be? I don't know. there are things that I do, and I have fun, I can smile some days. and I can make shit happen. I can always be heading someplace, I can always be looking west and upward, because direction is what makes us human. but you aren't here, so none of it feels too right for very long at all. tomorrow it will have been a month. a whole month of days you didn't wake up, of breaths you didn't take. so these days my life is about doing anything I can feel, anything that I can feel at all. because that's the only way it seems like I'm really alive. I miss you so much. I feel like I'm just floating around, waiting for whatever those last steel strings are to snap, and then I get to float back to you, like magnets or something. we'll be thunderstorms. you can be the lightning, and I'll be the thunder, never rumbling too far behind. we'll be two trees that grow together in the middle, and we'll be the fire and smoke that come someday to make things rebuild. we'll be shooting stars together, reflecting in some other eyes filled with love, watching somebody else pointing at us before their sight is filled up with each other. you went too soon, and those new things don't seem to be coming soon enough. this gap seems infinite but I guess I know it really isn't. I want to learn all the things and see all the things and do all the things we meant to do, and maybe it'll make that gap seem a little less infinite. but I wish you were here. I wish that more than anything. you are my heart, my soul, every song I sing. you are every word that falls out of me, every tear, every laugh. you are every dream I have, every chance I take. you're right there, every mile I drive or run or ride. you're every shooting star that lights up my vision. you're everything bright and beautiful, everything I want to find and hold onto. I'm carrying your spirit with me everywhere, because sometimes it seems so messed up that there are so many people that will never get to meet you now, so I'm letting them meet you this way. I love you so much. forever and ever.
i'm weeping for you love. i'm so sorry he won't be there for you in years to come. treasure the past and carry him with you.
that's very sweet kacie. we should all be so lucky to have someone write so tenderly of us posthumously.
today has just been .. a really hard day. thanks for all the kind words guys. I'm not doing too well, honestly. idk.
this is him. he was a really really great bassoon player. so he was also one of the only people I knew who could keep up when I got to talking about classical music.
