A little Thing

Discussion in 'Writers Forum' started by steel_bubbles, Jun 13, 2006.

  1. steel_bubbles

    steel_bubbles Member

    I just wrote this out of boredom, nothing else. I personally think it's corny, but here it is. You can read it if you want, this post is all I wrote on it though, nothing more, nothing less.
    My breath came in short gasps. I was going to die, I knew it. I stared wildly at the man, his silver hair catching moonlight. He looked at me with bright green eyes… and started lowering the chains… lowering me.
    “NO! PLEASE!!!” My voice burst out of me before I even realized it. I looked fearfully down at the alligators swimming beneath me. There were five, all males, huge. A terrified whimper escaped my blue lips and I looked back at the man. He was watching me, those green eyes traveling down my body, lingering on my chest.

    “What will you give me?” His voice was hoarse, a grater on my ears. My eyes widened… I didn’t have anything to give him. Then I thought back to my necklace, trapped under my heavy clothing. It was worth 100 dollars at least.

    “My necklace! I’ll give you my necklace! Please, let me go!” His eyes traveled down to my chest again and he smirked, pulling up the chains. I was maneuvered to the parking lot where he stood, waiting. The force of the ground brought me to my knees, but suddenly he was there, pulling me up harshly, untying the chains on my back. As my hands became free, I pulled out my necklace and yanked it off my neck. I thrust it at the man, hitting him in the chest.

    I tried to walk away. His hand grabbed my arm, pulling me back. My hip grated his, and yet he pulled me into him. He smelled of fish and beer. His whiskery chin tickled my ear, and then he kissed it. I tried to yank away from him, but his grip was strong and he turned me away so I was facing him. His face was smirking at me. He yanked me back and his lips crushed into mine. I pulled back as hard as I could, but he wrapped his arms around me. I bit his lip and in his moment of shock, wiggled out of his ‘hug’ and ran as fast I could to the exit.

    A gun shot echoed through the parking lot. I looked back for a second to see him holding a gun up and looking furious. I ran as fast as I could, never looking back. I got out of the parking lot, and the fresh air blew into me. I staggered, breathing deeply. I had a stitch in my side… I didn’t stop. After a while I realized I was in downtown Iowa City. I started walking quickly, my breath coming in short gasps… I had to stop. Quickly, I walked to an alley. I leaned against the wall and vomited. Someone touched my back. I whirled around and hit the person in the face.

    “Ouch.” I recognized that voice… it was my brother. I breathed in relief and threw my arms around him, not caring that he had a bloody nose. Tears ran down my face… I was saved.
     
  2. steel_bubbles

    steel_bubbles Member

    God, i reread this, and it sucks (sorry, i just hate my writiing)
     
  3. White Scorpion

    White Scorpion 4umotographer

    Hey, Steel Bubbles. I don't think it's bad at all. It needs a little bit of polishing maybe, but it's readable. I am a bit confused over the gender of your main character, but you have a style which is entertaining, although tricky to describe.
     
  4. steel_bubbles

    steel_bubbles Member

    Ok, I polished it up a little... well, actually, I changed the whole story. That's what I do a lot when I'm trying to polish things up, but anyway, heres a new version, or I guess you could say a new story.:) .
    My breath came in short gasps. I was going to die, I knew it. A tear trickled down my cheek as I realized I was never going to see my brother again… The chains holding me jolted, and for a second I thought the criminal was going to lift me back up, save me from a cruel death. Then it was replaced with my brains, and I didn’t look up when I was lowered down closer to the water… I just stared down at the alligators below me. They were huge; I expected all of them to be males. One of my tears trickled unto my lips and stayed there till I licked it away.

    When I was about 2 yards from the water, from the alligators, the chains stopped lowering. I looked up quickly to stare at the man. A fury rose up through my body, washing away my blood and replacing it with anger. It was a flame, burning my cheeks and making them red.

    “I hate you!” The words poured out of my lips like poison. “You filthy son of a bitch! I hate you! You drag me away from my brother like I’m some kind of pearl, you rape me, and now you’re killing me? I shouldn’t have expected anything else, you fucking son of a mother fucking bitch! You know what? Just drop dead, criminal! Drop dead!”

    He didn’t flinch as I spat this out, his eyes never wavering from mine. The breeze blew his hair and for a second it was covering his eyes and I was free from his persistent gaze. I blinked and more tears escaped my eyes. I stared down at the alligators, willing them to have heart attacks or something.

    After a while the criminal started lowering me again. 3 feet from the water… I looked up. He was smirking at me, and the fury inside me flamed up again.

    “Good bye Sarah Hue. Any last words?” His voice was hoarse, a grater to my ears. I flinched away from the sound, but yet I still glared at him. He smirked at me expectantly.

    “Curse you!” I screamed, and then spit at him. It landed at his feet. He looked down at it, a strange look going through his face. As he did, I noticed someone enter the room. It was my brother, and he was pointing a gun at the criminal.

    “Very well.” The criminal’s voice was bitter. He pressed a button, and I was lowered into the water. A scream rippled through my body as the first alligator bit me. Blood seeped out of my waist. I screamed again as another alligator ripped at my leg.

    Suddenly there was a resounding gun shot. The criminal’s body fell through the air, making an ark. Blood splattered on my face, and yet another alligator gnashed at my side, and with tear running down my face, I closed my eyes… forever.
     
  5. White Scorpion

    White Scorpion 4umotographer

    Fantastic!!! Well done, Steel Bubbles. Great story. Lots of action, humor, emotion. You're going to be a great writer some day. One suggestion, though. It would have been better to keep the main character male.

    Not enough homosexual literature/pulp fiction is written and the few books that exist are specifically aimed towards the gay community. People can use writing to break taboos and century-old prejudices that have been nurtured from general education and religion. Perhaps future generations will help remove the blinkers kept on society so that we can start treating all people on an equal basis.

    Well done, Steel Bubbles for putting a good effort on polishing your story. It was good to begin with, and you made it more dynamic.
     
  6. steel_bubbles

    steel_bubbles Member

    OK, I'll keep the homosexuality in mind. I never actually thought about it that way, but now you brought it up... well, I'll keep it in mind. It's great to know that you like it, and I'll work harder too!
     

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