It's been said often recently, especially in the media that there is a mental health epidemic taking place in this country, in the world even. Statistically speaking suicide has, in some way shape or form, touched a majority of living individuals at this point. Particularly amongst men with suicide rates 3-4 times higher globally. Whether that's a friend, a family member a co-worker, personal ideation, or even failed attempts. Most of us have dealt with it at some point in our lives, and it's certainly at the top of the list mental health issues that need more attention. But what about the rest of us? Those of us that would never dream of it. For various reasons, love of family, your children, logic, whatever, we all have our reasons. Those of us that search every day to find meaning our lives, and find little, yet we continue on. We don't often ask for attention, and we don't typically share what goes on in our minds. When we bring it up we are constantly reminded that it could be worse. But, where is the, "I'm just lonely, and feel out of place in my life helpline," when you need it? To be honest, I would not consider myself depressed. I'm generally a happy guy, at least that is the choice I have made within myself. To not hold on to grudges or resentment, or dwell on the sadness in my life. The death, failed marriages, loves lost, bad luck, frustration as a result of my own life choices, and disappointment in myself, are all just part of living. Right? Why should I let that bring me down? Why should I let that change who I am? Am I happy? Or is that just what everybody in my life thinks, so I just go on continuing to believe that I have been successful in making it seem that way? I tell myself I am not the sum of of all the negativity in my life. And to be honest my life has not been all that bad by comparison to many. I'm engaged to a beautiful woman, I have a good job, I have most the material possessions I could want. Yet as I lay here writing this I can't shake the feelings that I have failed. I failed to keep my high school relationship together after having a son. She left me after he was born for a man she met on the internet. I failed to keep my marriage together after 7 years, she cheated on me.I failed to materialize my career into something that I had known I had the potential to do. Anxiety perhaps? I failed to maintain my own health which I had always placed such a priority on. I failed to keep so many promises I made to myself when I was young. When I look back at my life, I find it hard to think of the good things without leading into something else. The love I thought was the one, which was amazing while it lasted; but broke me when it was lost. My childhood, growing up in Colorado skiing all winter; Which I had considered a major source of enjoyment in my life, until my 30s when my health took a decline with psoriatic arthritis and other autoimmune issues. Even finding what I thought was the perfect job, but 10 years in still feeling like an outsider. Expendable and being taken advantage of. It feels weird even talking about this. So many people have it so much worse than me. How bad could my life possibly be? I've seen therapists tried drugs, both legal and illegal. I've engaged in overt sexual activities, even had a threesome. I participated in other dangerous and irresponsible activities just trying to get some sort of serotonin flowing. Nothing I've tried however has touched this feeling. Some therapists might diagnose this as dysthymia or some sort of mild depressive condition. I read the symptoms, and think to myself, "yea that sounds about right." But what are my choices if I can't make it better? There is no specific drug that is not intended for more serious conditions, that is worth the side effects for arguably less serious mental health issues. Especially when I don't feel particularly depressed, in a self destructive sense at least, and anxiety most meds I've tried actually make me feel worse. I've tried working out more but am constantly hindered by my own health issues, although even before that when I went to the gym every day nothing changed. There is no conclusion that I can, or have, come to. No reasoning or excuses I can give for what makes me feel this way. No meaning I can find, in my life or otherwise. No particular moment in my life that I can look back on and feel completely satisfied with. No lasting source of enjoyment. Just another pointless life lived, a single insignificant drop in the constantly flowing river that is our existence on this earth. I'm not religious, but if I were standing at the gates of heaven and was asked to justify my life to enter, I feel like I'd have very little to say. I might as well just turn around and walk the other way. P.S. This is not a cry for help, I am not at risk or in danger or suicidal. I just wanted to share how I feel. I'm sure many more people feel the same way and never share.
Sorry that you're feeling this way ZenDragon. You're not to blame for your wife's infidelity. If she was unhappy, she could could have ended the marriage before finding a new partner. What she did is on her. I think usually people get a sense of meaning from doing some unselfish thing that you believe in enough for it to be worth the sacrifice. I could recommend some treatment methods if you're interested. I hope something can help.
