A gutless coward trapped in the closet. (Yeah me).

Is it EVEN POSSIBLE to get in a relationship, with anything beyond mere lust, if you never leave the closet? At times I just feel so alone, like as time goes on, I am closer, and closer to going absolutely insane.

I feel in my case it just can't be done, the consequences are too dire. People will be extremely shocked if they find out, and I feel shocking people isn't okay or justified.

I've got TWO things to hide, first off, I mean if someone takes an insanely deep look (almost like a spy) into my background, and figures out I might be gay thats one thing, but anything that points to it being obvious, feels wrong to me.

I also have a feminine personality, which I also can't allow to be too obvious, while at the same time SOMEHOW living with myself.

How do people who live in the closet so much as get in a relationship, and how do feminine gay guys hide being gay? Stupid stereotypes I had the unfortunate timeline/location of being born into, makes it bloody hard to hide it while being that combination.

It's been years since I've been aware of this now, it seems like I'll be single FOREVER, and I can't leave the closet. I feel like if I were a more manly one, I could get more prestige, or be safer, if I came out, but then I couldn't personally live with myself, either never be respected by the culture I was born into, or live disliking myself, neithers a nice choice is it?

More masculine gay guys, can at LEAST stay in the closet easier, and retain some level of prestige, maybe not be targetted first if some bullying (insert profanity here) wants to pick on the easiest target. I'm not taking a shot at the more manly gay guys, it's just... How are the less than manly ones, (especially two of them) supposed to actually be in a relationship, and successfully be in the closet about it?

I don't want to become a 'meatshield' for less visible, less vulnerable people to hide behind. :'( Not that it comforts me knowing thats exactly the same position some gays are in, but can you really blame people like me, for not wanting to essentially be on the 'front lines', being meatshields for the cowardly masses to take cheap shots at, so the others can remain safe? Feels like being a sacrifice doesn't it? Who really wants to be that?

I feel like I can't come out, because if I let too many clues show up, I might just become one of those sacrificial meatshields, the poor 'meatshields' don't deserve what they get, especially the brave ones who do it out of selfless compassion, it's very sad actually, but those of us who have the potential to become them, if too much information gets exposted, they would either have to have extremely high levels of compassion, or courage to not be outraged by it. Yes this is me admitting I'm a coward.

A lot of us don't deserve what happened to us, but I fear if I come out, I will lose my own personal safety, and may experience personal loss, and I admit I don't have the amount of compassion to feel good about how it may help other people. I know I sound very cold, but at least I'm being honest for once.

For those of you willingly well known ones, props on your courage (and possible compassion), but is it understandable a lot of people don't envy being in such a vulnerable position, and as a result have a lot of trouble leaving the closet? Could you ever picture yourself in a succesful relationship in that case, provided they don't actually have internalized self hate, but instead they are just cowardly?

 

Man, you got a lot of stuff there Kid. I'm gonna need to read this some more...good post!

 

Nice post
Its hard to say or explain that me, u or other people is gay/bi, i have the same problem, i´m a bit scared to say that i like boys to my parents or my friends of my town because my father is a bit conservative, as like the some people in this town, and i dont have courage to tell.

But i say to u one thing, we all are in a democracy, everybody has rights and tolerance with the others, so u must be yourself and dont be afraid of that, the other people just have to acept who u are but i know sometimes that isnt like this, thats because i´m afraid to tell my parents/friends.

 

First and foremost HAPPY BIRTHDAY on 3/2/08! Second thing, Please drop the guttless Coward description of yourself...it doesn't fit you. I read and re read your post. Had there been an internet when I was a kid I could have written the same thing. And yeah , I probably would have called myself the same kind of names...but it doesn't fit. Not me then, not you now. Clearly you have looked at your circumstances and realized, "to come out puts everything I value at jeopardy". Thats a well rationed desicion, based on your values. And your value are absolutely valid for you. The term you use "Meatshield" is chillingly accurate. Immediately I think of Lawrence King, the boy so recently murdered (2/12/08) by another kid who was crazed by hatred. Read about young Lawrence, I love that boy for who he was, I love the spirit he had, but damn it! Now he's gone. I'll never get to meet him, to laugh with him, to see him smile. He simply made the choice he felt right for him. It should have been fine, why not? He hurt no one, it was just who he was. He became a Meatshield. My God, how sad. Fact is, in some circumstances, some risks are exceedingly dangerous. I love Lawrence for being exactly the cool kid he was. But damn, he's gone.
Seems like you are looking at your situation and realizing, this is not the time or place to reveal who I really am. That is not being a guttless coward...it is reading the environment and responding to the reality you see. When I walk through a field full of rattlesnakes, I don't go barefoot.

Is it fair? Hell no, it is not. Is it reality? Yeah, at some times and some places.

You ask about a relationship...Man, thats gonna be tough. Tough to find someone and tough to enjoy the freedom of being who you are, where you are. I managed for awhile, we both "passed". We lived the lie, and when we could, we loved each other in all the glory of our young love. People shoulda smiled to see us, two kids in love. I bet we were cute, he sure was anyway.

I hear it said that it's easier for kids to come out now as opposed to 10, 20 or 30 years ago. I don't think so. It depends on circumstances. What you decribe sounds like a damn tough situation to try to come out in. What is easier is finding a place to safely discuss things, the internet. A place to reach a lot of different people easily. At least you have that kind of support and thats good. I wish you the best, I hope you find the love you deserve and I'm glad you aren't a meatshield.

 

Thank you for the encouragement, I'm glad to see there are still some people more aware than I thought previously.

If most guys tried explaining things like how to survive in the world, I believe it would be screwed up, and inaccurate.

It's not about being a sociopathic control freak lunatic, who tries to become as much as a walking steriod, who is a zealot about violence... Or becoming a brainwashed drone. Simply put a lot of guys are ruthless, and dangerous, and they WILL hurt you, if they detect something they percieve as a weakness.

It should be taught, that a lot of guys are essentially 'search and destroy', machines trying to detect something vulnerable, and that being detected by these things can be fatal... Why I seem cold, and distant in real life. I can't let people get too close, and I know it seems odd, and I can't even state the true reason why.

After witnessing such events happening, past, and present, life seems to be like a creature living in the shadows, the shadows which most curse at, and percieve as 'evil' for being unknown, yet they are the thing which shield you, to escape the evil machine-like-minded beings hell-bent on it's targets demise, just hoping not to get detected by it, feeling so powerless, like all you can do, is run, and hide.

Then the entire conflict, of not being controlled by these machines, while at the same time escaping their sensors comes in.

(I'm not using the term machines literally, just pointing out what a great deal of people are like, as in HOW they act, and think). They are relatively normal physically, and have no scifi-like powers, but they still act, and think like machines, and thus could live up to the name in a way.

 

Here's my opinion. I think you should consider relocating. You need to socialize with people who accept you.

If it's practical (meaning possible), find some pretext for leaving the area - school, job offer, Mormon mission, anything. Check the web for destination ideas. There's always SF, San Antonio, Park Slope in Brooklyn, plenty of others too. When everyone around you prefers that you are gay, the closet becomes sort of a meaningless convenience, rather than the bunker it is now.

Finding yourself shouldn't be so much work. All you really need is to make friends with common interests.