a family thang...advice/feedback????

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by sonador_hermosa, Jan 6, 2005.

  1. blerrrgh...OK here's the situation...

    my folks divorced when i was a toddler. my dad moved to another town about an hour away, i stayed with my mom. he remarried a few years later, so did my mom. my dad and his new wife had a baby, so did my mom and her husband. my dad and his wife divorced after 6 years. my mom is still married to my stepdad. so i have two sisters. i lived with the sister my mom had, of course, because i lived with my mom. every other weekend, i'd have visitation with my dad, and he would go to pick my sister up (the one he and his ex-wife had) and we'd visit. me and this sister are very, very close. she is only 16, but she is one of the wisest, most compassion, sweet, and beautiful people i know. we aren't just sisters, we're friends. same goes for my other sister. the two sisters, though not related by blood, also consider each other sisters and are good friends.

    i'm 22 years old, and my oldest sister is 16...she still lives out of town with her mom. my dad goes and gets her every other weekend, and we still have visitation weekends. the thing is, i outgrew these visitations a LONG time ago, and so did my sis. she loves to come to town and visit, and i love seeing her AND my dad, but i am so tired of going every other saturday night to spend the night at my dad's house like i'm still a little kid. i want to visit my family on my own terms!

    tonight, i called my sister and talked to her about it. she is very mature for her age, and she's down with changing our visiting arrangements to a shorter afternoon visit. she'd still stay overnight since it's just easier on my dad to not take two trips there and back in one day. but i'd come home after work saturday nights, then either go over to my dad's or have them come over to my apartment after work to visit for a few hours to have lunch or play a game or something. she's totally cool with it...in fact she said, "i know it's gotta be stressful for you to have to break up your routine and spend the night at dad's."

    the thing is, i lost my car and can't really afford to get a new one for the time being. i usually bike or take the bus, but my dad lives all the way on the other side of town and the busses stop running after a certain time. so if my dad comes to get me after work, i have no choice but to either stay the night or take a cab home, which is uber-expensive. blargh.

    i guess what it comes down to, is i just want to start having a more adult relationship with my family. when i was a teenager, i was so stoked about turning 18 and getting to visit my family on my own terms. but here i am, 22 and every other weekend is still pre-planned for me. no more, though.

    since i have talked to my sister about it, and i know she won't cry if big sissy doesn't sleep over anymore, i now have to talk about it with my dad. he can't say no or anything, but i just don't want to hurt his feelings. i WANT to spend time with him and my sister. i just don't want to spend the night anymore. i am a grown woman and it's really a pain in the ass to have to pack a change of clothes to take with me to work so i can spend the night at daddy's. but i don't want my dad to think i don't care or want to see him. i DO. i have just outgrown the spending the night thing.

    how do i talk to him about this? what do i say? my dad is a sweet man, but he is also prone to taking things personally and the wrong way, and he can be very defensive. i often have to choose my words carefully sometimes when i talk to him about serious things.

    i mean, i think it would be cool to just have him and my sis come over on sunday afternoons. my dad and my boyfriend enjoy watching the game together, and my sister and i can talk and have girl time. i think it would work out great.

    any advice will be greatly appreciated. i need some balls, too...heh
     
  2. nothing??? no replies??? *sigh*
     
  3. Beach Bum

    Beach Bum Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

    hmm well it seems you've totally made up your mind about
    changin the visitation arrangements so you want advice on
    how to break it to your dad right? has anything at all been
    mentioned to him ever about changin it? you are 22 years,
    have a boyfriend, and a life. your dad should understand that.
    has your sis ever mentioned anything to your dad about it?
    if not maybe get her to just casually mention it just to get an
    idea of how he'll react. or maybe put it in writing for him,
    sometimes people react differently that way.
    good luck with it
    xx peace and love xx
     
  4. i'm just a paranoid chickenshit when it comes to thingss like this. the subject has come up before, in casual conversation, and he knows that these "visitations" aren't going to last forever. so yeah, it has been mentioned, but we haven't talked about it in awhile. dario (my boyfriend) keeps reassuring me that he's sure my dad won't have his feelings hurt, but i don't know. also, my sister wants to continue coming to town and staying overnight because she has a lot of friends here in town and is still a minor, and she enjoys coming down to spend time with family and friends. i'm not going to have her mention it to him, because this is my thing. but, i think her opinion of it will ultimately shape how he reacts...see, she is 16, but sometimes he still sees a seven year old with pigtails when he looks at her...pretty common symptom of a father of a teenage daughter. anyway, i'm just rambling now. i think it'll be okay. i just wanted to bounce it off people in this forum and see if anyone has been in a similar situation.

    peace and love :)
    -amy
     
  5. lawngirl

    lawngirl Member

    he'll definitely understand. when you tell him, put it on yourself. let him know how the current set-up isn't the best one for you. the way things are scheduled doesn't work with your schedule. let him know if it's impacting other areas of your life, like work or relationships. tell him that spending the night isn't conveinient with your work, especially the travel inconvienence without a car. let him know that not staying the night would reduce a lot of stress, even give you more time to catch up on things and relax from the week. he'll want to do something that will work for everyone. plus, he'll probably get a kick out of being able to help you. he won't take it personally. he knows that you love him. he'll probably be a bit sad that you won't be seeing him as often, but at least it's been brought up before and it won't be a total surprise to him. it sounds like you already have some ideas for ways to spend time with him, without spending the night.. if you tell him these suggestions when you break the news, he'll probably be more understanding. good luck!
     
  6. well kids, it worked out just fine. it was nearly as painful an experience as i thought it would be. he agreed with me 100% on everything, and i told him i talked to my sis about it beforehand and she was completely fine with it as well. we're working on getting ourselves out of debt, then my fiance' and i are going to try to get a loan for a decent used car so we can have our wheels back. for getting to work and class, having to rely on public transportation isn't so bad...but when i want to go out at night or do anything else i either have to make sure i go out with other friends who drive, or put enough cash aside for a cab ride, which is expensive. i figure going over there every other saturday night after work for a couple hours once i have the car thing figured out will be fine, so long as i can go home to my OWN bed afterwards.

    yeah, my dad took it really well. he did say he'll miss the extra time spent, but knew it would change eventually. i was just getting all paranoid for nothing. i'm like that sometimes.
     

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