a big mess....

Preview Hey. I'm really new here...
I do have a little bit of a "delema..." if you can call it that.......honestly, it feels like it's just a big jumble of mixed emotions and stress......
ok...I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half now. I love him so much. And we're also expecting a baby in September. However, I have this need to travel and move and I'm just restless....it's hard to explain. But he's encredebly set on routine and is my complete opposite. Like I said, I love him to death, but I don't know what to do....he knows that I like to travel and that I want to move to BC (since I was 4yrs old), but he has straight out said that he's staying here. He get's mad at me when I suggest even moving closer to our families now that we have a baby on the way...he just doesn't want to listen to me. All he does is play video games and work, and he isn't the kind of person who likes to be around people....I, on the other hand, like to see people and be a part of the world, but since I moved in with him, I have lost every friend that I had and have been living a life that consists of getting up and watching tv or sitting on the computer all day. I can't keep a job or anything because I hate the city that I live in. It's like I've sunken into this huge depression and i can't get out of it.....I hate it. I know that the obvious answer is to leave him.....but now that there's a baby on the way, I'm not about to do that. I do love him, and I do want a family with him, but for some reason, even though I knew that before, now I'm having all these thoughts about how I'm missing out on the rest of my life and that this isn't who I am. I want this to work, but I also dont' want to be feeling like this around my child. I want to be happy and teach it to follow it's dreams and heart......yet I'm a complete conrtadiction......this is so frustrating.....I've tried to compromise with my boyfriend, but he refuses to change his way of life. He's happy with it, therefore, it's not changing. He IS looking foward to having the baby.....I just dont' want to stay here and be miserable for the rest of my life......
sorry, I know that's a lot to "digest" but it's the first time I've said anything in the last year and a half.
whew.....

 

First of all, welcome! And congratulations on the babee!


I don't have any real "advice" to give, but maybe a few things to think about....

Is your boyfriend uncompromising on every issue, or just this one?
Can you handle living the rest of your life according to what he wants and only what he wants?

does he not care about YOUR happiness? Only his own?

Is he controlling your life, do you have a say so in anything?

Why don't you go out and get friends? If you don't like sitting at home all day, why are you? You can expand your life without really leaving your town...that is if you choose to stay there.

You know what makes you happy. You know what your heart wants. Follow your instincts.

 

have you tried saying ALL of that to your boyfriend!?? Maybe if you had a real heart to heart discussion with him and explain to him that all the stress you have because of the situation of living where you are isn't good for the baby now, and won't be after you have it. Best of wishes, and congrats on the baby! mines due in October!

 

I was once in a situation with someone similar to this. We where expecting a baby but he was "controlling". I'm sorry to say but if you lose your friends over a guy thats a bad sign of things that could possibly come. If you are un-happy now you will always be un-happy. I didn't want to leave this guy at the time because I didn't want to break up our family but it happened anyway. I wished I had always done it before the baby came... straighten my life out before hand. Talk to him. Tell him how upset all this makes you. Reassure him that you having friends is not going to change your relationship. Tell him how depressed you are living where you are. If he doesn't care or even consider any of your feelings then it sounds like you could be living a miserble life to keep him happy unless you take the steps to change it. Who knows, if your meant to raise your child together he will comprimise and come back... just sounds like he might need a reality check into your feelings. Make decisions for you and your child only. It sounds like your sanity and mental health rely on you leaving where you are and that affects the baby who IS the most important person in the whole picture here. If he really cares he should take that into consideration too. happy mommy=happy baby.

 

i agree with the above posters...especially with the losing of the friends - this is not a good sign. if he loves you and sees your happiness as important he will let you make new friends and encourage you. bc isn't neccessarily going to bring you happiness though. i think that is something that is to be found within. i don't mean to sound like a bitch but it seems like you both have a lot of "I" s and with that kind of mentality no relationship will work.

 

Excellent point! You two have decided (planned or not) to have a family together. For a good relationship to work, you have to get out of the I, he, she mentality and get into the "WE" frame of mind. If that isn't possible, then no, the relationship won't work.

 

thanks...thats what i was trying to say

 

He won't change. People change only when they want to. Things that you THINK will make people break out of bad life patterns, like a new baby, or an accident, or their lover leaving them, still keep doing what they are doing most of the time.

Womyn often think they can "change" a man, but you can't. He is who he is. And that is the way he will stay. The baby wiil not change him, I can almost guarentee this. I have seen more young womyn staying with totally incompatiple relationships with the dream that "if he loves me, he will change." He may love you, but he loves who HE is more.

I am sorry you are going through this so young. But the longer you stay in a dead end relationship, the harder it is to get away.

I with you happiness and peace. You have to think of your baby and your self now. Let your BF take care of himself (along with child support payments!)

Good luck.

 

ain't dat da truth!!!!! i decided after my divorce that i wouldn't ever try to change a guy - either he was acceptable or not. i didn't try to fool myself into thinking i would find someone 'perfect', my goal was that i would just have to find someone whose faults were acceptable to me. which i finally did find him, had to look around for 6 years though.

he sounds too controlling, cutting you off from friends is a baaaad sign...... i often wish i would have run the first time i left my x, which was when i was pregnant for my first. as it was, i wasted a decade of my life with him - it's like the 'no time' - a black hole where my life & happiness was of no importance. i ended up being a single mom anyways. the only thing that makes me believe it all wasn't a waste is my wonderful sons.

 

Thanx u guys. I'll tell you a little more about us.....maybe that'll clear a couple things up here.

See, when I met him, I was in a really bad situation with my mom and her fiance....we just didn't get along. I needed to get outta there, but I had no where to go. I met Cody, and I moved in with him 2 weeks later. I met him in a chatroom, and he lived about 2 hours away from everyone I know. I was happy about that. I HAVE been kind of a nag since day one....we lived in a small town right out side of a larger one, but my car was always breaking down and I couldn't find a job in that place. So I begged him to at least move 15 minutes to the city....after a while, he did. we've been here for about a year and 2 months now. And he's happy, too. He's since gotten an awsome job finally doing something that he loves.
Now, here's where some things come in that bother me. Where we live is 2 hours away from EVERYONE, his family and mine. His mom lives 20 minutes away from mine. I wanted to move up there so that not only us, but our baby can be close to family, too. Cody tends to freak out everytime that I say this. But what's weird, is a month before we found out about the baby, he wanted to move up there just as bad as I did for a while.....which was a shock, because he never wanted to before. But I'm not going to go on about that anymore.
As for the friends thing. I HAVE made some friends out here. I don't know if he's just trying to look out for me, or be a jerk, but he has straight out said to me, that if he doesn't approve of them, I'm not to see them. Every friend that I've made out here lasted about a week and then they met cody......my old friends from when I moved down here, though....needless to say, they haven't talked to me a whole lot since I left, but at they same time, a lot of them don't like cody....but they've always been a little "sketchy" in the past, too. So maybe that was a good thing. See why I'm so stuck?
I mean, he's an awsome guy in other ways, but he refuses to help me clean or anything, and when I do ask him to do something, he tallies up how hard he works as opposed to how hard I work, and then says, "no." When he does do something, he holds it over my head for months, and that's usually for hollidays, too. What's it going to be like when the baby comes.....?
But I know that he's going to be an awsome dad, and there's no way that I want to break that up. I want to be a part of it. It's just that we fight over everything. I try to compromise, but he has a hard time seeing that, I find. I always try to take his feelings into consideration when I want to do anything at all. I don't know......like I said, it's just a big mess.
The biggest thing that's bothering me, is the fact that I want our families to ALL be close when the baby comes. Which means moving up there. I've explained this to him in MANY different ways....and they all end the same. I mean, he DOES have an awsome job, and I'm willing to stay for that, however. But he tends to only stay at jobs for about 5-6 months, and then he leaves them. I only suggested this incase something goes wrong with his job.
..............*sigh*.......that was a lot of typing.
And I just realized that I have to go to work.
Thanx again u guyz.

 

The fact that he has to approve of your friends, keeps score of who works harder (you carrying his child for god's sake, that's hard fucking work!), won't help clean up are all very bad signs.


It may seem like we are trying to make you leave him, but a lot of us have been there. He isolates you from friends and family, so you have to depend solely on him. He seems to be stuck in the 50's, thinking you need to clean up after him. And, any relationship where someone has to keep score is just not going to work...not well, anyways. If he won't help you clean up now, what makes you think he will help with baby responsibilities?

When Maddie was born, her father would tell me that I had to nurse her on the couch in the living room because it was keeping him up at night. He never changed a single diaper, fed her, played with her, etc. I wasn't allowed to see my friends or family. I also wasn't allowed to work or go back to school.

Think long and hard about what you are getting in to. Controlling men only get worse after the baby is born.

You know what you need to do. You knew before you came on here looking for advice. You just have to do it.

 

As a survivor of domestic violence I can tell you that this is how it starts.Be very careful.The longer you are in this type of relationship the harder it is to leave because you lose more and more of who you are every day. When we are pregnant we want to believe the best will happen for our baby,we can be kind of self-deluding and not see the real picture. When a man isolates you he's making himself more important than you,taking away your other frames of reference so everything you know and think will have to come from him or through him. I know it's hard to lose the fantasy of the life you want but it sounds like the reality of what you have isn't ok.You are strong and smart and deserve to have a beautiful life and you need to have your self to do it.This guy is stealing your self,sister.

 

hi there and congratulations!!! Sounds to me like you are a normal woman going through all the pregnancy hormone stuff.... Your body and brain are going through so much at the moment I think that you should maybe just take a deep breath and chill...things will work out for you and you have to do the best to keep a positive mind with everything that is going on with you at the moment. I really liked what all the other people had to say but I also thought it was important that you realise that everything is going to seem full on to you emotionally at the moment and that won't change for the immediate future...your family are close enough for them to come and see you, get them to drive up and visit, if his job changes in the near future like you seem to feel it will then deal with it then....the money and security he gets now will all be useful in the future.
in terms of the cleaning and stuff, well I think you said you had to go to work in an earlier post and as far as I can work out he does too and you are pregnant on top of that...well I think it is time for you and him both to find out just how grotty your bathroom can get!!! That is really just a load of shite from a guy who is young enough to not be living in the fifties..in fact his dad wasn't probaly born then so he has NO excuse for it...bring it up, point it out and don't let it go...if he broke up with you over that then screw him, but it doesn't sound like he would, just sounds like he needs a kick in the arse to lend a hand...and you will need that hand once bubba comes along!! either that or you have to lower your standards in the house cleanliness department (always a valid option in my book....leads to less allergies!!!)
look good luck with it all and remember that it is not a bad thing to ask people to come and see you and also remember that having a kid is a life changing event and you will through this meet many people and make many new friends so just keep on keeping in there and kick arse when needed!

 

OMG. EVERYTHING you have said about this dude (including "he can be a really nice guy") is raising a HUGE red flag for me. He's controlling, he has separated you from you SUPPORT SYSTEM (this is a HUGE SIGN of impending Domestic Abuse) ect. Womyn are more likely to have the first PHYSICAL attack happen during pregnancy than any other time. You are in danger. I am deadly serious.

EVERYTHING you have said about him points to PRE-ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR. EVERYTHING.

Look at some Domestic Violence website, and you will see this dude in black and white.

Honey, RUN like hell.

 

ummm...yeh...but isn't this a website and maybe only a small slice of the reality that's going on...maybe we do not understand it in it's entirety...geez I don't know but my first reaction to this situation wasn't as full on as you guys... I don't really know and would tend to agree with you if the situation proved necessary but ya gotta be careful diagnosing off what is portrayed here?? and therefore ake care i situations which are so not straight forward....
by the way she is two hours from her support system...that is nothing if she wants to make it work in the way she is declaring..they can visit her easily, and vice versa..it's not hard fom that distance?

P.S. I would be saying "approve of this" as he looked at my butt!!!
really and truly you will meet and make new friends as you move through life...there is no need fo you to rely on anyone to censor or approve of them....they are there to be taken and you deserve them at all points in life...no mater how bad the contibuting persons english may be!! guffaww!!!

 

i'm with maggie sugar on this. every thing you are saying are examples of what i went through. sweetie, no it won't change, no it won't get better. my advice is to flee! run! normal women have supportive husbands who understand that friends and family around during pregnancy are a positive thing. they help clean and don't keep score. question why you are having to defend him after posting the problems he seems to be 'causing' that too is a classic sign of an abusive relationship. run honey.

 

ok, something else maybe - do you have any pets? and does he treat them right? or are you stuck with complete care of them? cuz that's another big way bad sign.

i hate to tell anybody to not try to work things out, but if it's bad before the baby comes, the financial situation, chores, lack of sleep, constant attention that the baby needs may make things way worse. babies are a major stress. and if you don't have any support around you, friends to help out or just chill with you are gonna feel so trapped. having a newborn is hard work, you need someone to be there for YOU too.

two hours is FAR AWAY when you're in need. my mom was three hours away and she might as well have been on the moon.

 

You've got to do what's right for you honey. Your frame of mind will have an impact on your baby, because believe me, those little ones pick up on emotions sometimes even moreso than grown adults.

The others on here are right. You can't change a man (or anyone, really) because they are who they are. They can improve their ways if they really desire to do so, but many times, it will just slip back into the same rut as it was before.

I can see you becoming extremely frustrated with Cody once the baby arrives, because if he's not helping you out now with other things, he will probably skimp on helping you with the baby. Not that he wouldn't be a good father, but you may very well be the one shouldering all of the responsibilty of everything, and that can wear you down.

A loving relationship is hard work, it's give and take both ways. The fact that he's tallying up what he does for you instead of simply doing it out of love and consideration isn't fair. I'm sure you do more than enough giving to him, but what is he doing in return for you? Love isn't about keeping score. My husband and I do things to help one another out because it makes us feel good, and it shows our love and appreciation for one another.

Cody's job history isn't exactly the greatest from what you've described. You and your baby need stability right now. If he up and decides to quit his job, what kind of affect will that have on you and your baby?

If you really want to make things work, and I can tell by your post that you honestly love him and want things to get better, maybe you could look into some type of couple's counseling or something of that nature? Would he go? Have you discussed all of what you are presently feeling with him? I'm a firm believer in letting it all out. Not bashing, not picking or accusing, but saying how I feel. It just doesn't help to hold things inside, because over time, they build up, and one day you'll really blow your gasket . *lol*

Whatever you do, you have to do what you feel is right, in your heart, for you and your little one. You've got a lot on your mind, and a lot of decisions ahead.

I hope everything works out for the best, and good luck.

 

I am proof of this. Maddie's father hit me for the first time when I was pregnant.

He should not have a say so in who you are friends with. i wasn't "allowed" to keep my friends, because they "planted ideas in my head." Any time I got together with my mother-which was rare and she lived only 20 minutes away-he'd act like we were planning some huge conspiracy against him. I was a slut, whore, stupid, bitch, etc. If I wasn't home 24-7, I was fucking someone.

I'm telling you sister-what's going on with you is how it starts. He won't help out, you have to seek his approval of your friends, he won't listen to you, he's keeping you dependant on him by isolating you. Please, seriously think about it. I'm keeping you in my thoughts.

 

[/QUOTE]for example, you may avoid telling him to do chores because you think he should figure it out on his own - but it doesn't always work like that, you've got express to him what shape he needs fill, and if he loves you he will
it is your duty as a woman and a mother to keep your man, the childs father, in line.
if you lose this "control" over your man, it's your own fault, and it comes down to laziness and selfishness on both sides of the fence.[/QUOTE]
I have, many times, asked him if he wouldn't mind helping me out. He'll either say, "maybe," and never do it or just no. I try to stress to him that I'm working as hard as I can, but I also don't feel great right now, and he has straight out said that it's all in my head.
I don't think that it's my responsibity to "keep him in line." If he loves me, in my opinion, he would do it with out me having to do that. How do I keep someone "in line" without becoming abusive and rude?

You guys have given me a lot to think about.....sadily, I've heard a lot of it before. But needless to say, it won't be forgotten
thanx