2nd poem, not too sure crits would bw nice

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by The manticore, Apr 27, 2007.

  1. The manticore

    The manticore Member

    The materlist ( probs will change title)

    Media intentions cloud true thoughts
    Money is your god and you are its slave
    Working 9-5 imprisoned, confined
    Following a false god, you are the blind
    The materials you have, what do they bring?
    If you think happiness then you cant see
    That poor Africans with clean water and food
    Are happier the you will ever be.

     
  2. ChaosPandion

    ChaosPandion Member

    Hey, I like the poem and your message is quite obvious.
    But, and this may just be me, the beat of the poem is too sporadic.
    What usuall works is an alternating beats for example

    "Broadcast media controlling our thoughts"

    (Da Da) (Da De Da) (De Da De) (Da Da)

    This would improve reading of the poem considerably. Also your word choice is a little bit ambiguous. You might want to use slightly more specific words. And as always a rhyme scheme always makes reading poetry fun.

    Good Luck.
     
  3. WWKCD729

    WWKCD729 Member

    Agreed with chaos...its good, just needs more...but nonetheless, good job
     

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