23 year old man dating a single mother

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The little dude has two dads, some little dudes have no dad.

I wouldnt worry about it from the kids point of view, if he likes you he likes you.

Its probably going to be more about her what she "thinks" is best for her son.

Parents can never be objective about their own kids, she might spend the next 10 years worrying about you and how thats going to affect him, when the whole time the kids more concerned about how he gets on with kids his own age, or stressing about some bully at school

 

"its confusing, im split down the middle...i realize love and doubt arent compatible, but i know them both very well right now."

Doubt will always be there. The only certainty you need to have before considering continuing the relationship is that you both have the best intentions. Whether or not it will work out is not something that can ever be guarenteed.

You are wise and respectable for being keenly and firstly interested in the well being of the boy. Keeping this at the forefront will be hard and require sacrifices, but step-parents can be amazing.

I can't tell you what to do. I don't know your situation. I know that step-children, through no fault of anyone, place stresses on a relationship. A relationship has to be stronger that if there was no child for the situation to work.

Ask yourself these questions:
1. Are you willing to place your relationship perogatives on hold to accomodate herher responsibilities as a mother?
2. Are you willing to be a father if this boy seeks it out.
3. Are you willing to step back and always be "mom's boyfriend" if he doesn't seek it out?
4. Can you handle dealing with the ex?
5. Are you okay with the ex being in your house/life(he won't go away)?
6. How would you respond if that sweet 4 year old becomes a rude teenager who gives you the finger more than a smile?
7. Do you want to have an intensive relationship with a child?(note I didn't say close)

There are so many places to go with these questions, but, you should be able to answer the above with an unequivocal "yes."

Many blended families have worked, but many more have become emotional disasters for the couples and the kids. Your intense consideration of all these facts lead me to believe that you will do right by the family, no matter what you decide to do.

 

The fact that you know that his well being is top priority and have accepted that fact shows you are of a higher maturity than most men your age. Yes there is more to this than with another relationship, you won't just hurt her if you leave. If you're not sure, don't do anything yet, just keep being mommy's friend until you know.

 

I'd say at least your not running away from the situation is a good thing. Nothing is really wrong with the situation unless you feel strongly about being able to attract someone else if you bail.

Why would you bail on someone you think you have such a connection with?

I think your just not sure if you want to be in a relationship where it will also include a kid.

 

How old is the mother?

 

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PS: If you think the little dude, even at 4 hasnt worked out that you are more than just mommys friend, you are kidding yourself. He may not know much about where babies come from but thats irrelevant, he just has to observe the way you look at each other to tell. Just cos at 4 he's not so good at stringing sentences together, doesnt mean that little brain of his isnt working at light speed.

Also, doesnt matter how good his relationship is with his dad, if you are more important to mummy, he's going to copy that (until he turns into a bratty teen that is)

 

Alright. I would not make any big to-do about this. It is not a big deal. If you sit this kid down and re-introduce yourself as a second daddy (because a 4 year old will not understand the concept of "prospective") you are going to be risking much, much more than necessary.

You are both young...and, in my honest opinion, you have another 7 years before you should even think about getting this serious with a woman. But follow your heart and play it as you find it.

I know you don't want to set this kid up for a possible let-down...so just keep everything cool and casual. Have her start calling you her boyfriend. Because that's what you are, and like VG said, he knows that already. But no biggie.

 

thanks, for all the responces. i was in a bit of a funk earlier, and feel now that the internet isnt nessesarily the outlet i want to be expressing myself through.

 

So in other words our advice was useless, ok thanks

And now you've gone and scrubbed out your first post???

OKey Dokey then

 

Archemetis, why so serious?

 

not at all. just that i know myself and my situation, and ought to be dealing with my own shit internally and with those involved, or express myself to a freind who knows me and can hold eye contact with me, before reflecting back to me what they need to.
i pretty much just dont want to be bringing up emotionally charged issues on a public message board. seems silly in hindsight.

 

lol, you got me.....
because im havin a rough time with alot of different things in my life right now. i get tired somtimes.

 

Fair enough.

sometimes close friends arent the best for real personal stuff, even if they are just listening

 

There's a red ball, out at sea. It's full of air. And these waves are rolling up at it, and if they roll under it, it just rides the waves up and back down. And if they break and push the ball underwater, the ball goes under and then comes back up on its own.

That ball's out there, lost at sea. That ball's got nothing to worry about.

 

You wouldn't mind if I closed this then? Seems rather pointless to keep it open to discussion if other people who opened this thread too late are not able to read the original post.

 

go for it