20-Year-Old Son Smoking Pot

Hi -

I don't know if I have chosen the right site to post for advice, as I have a feeling many of you will laugh and tell me to lighten up and that this is no big deal. Please hear me out though.

My son is 20, about to start 3rd year of college, and is home on summer break. He's smart (most of the time), he has a job, has aspirations and goals, and my friends and neighbors adore him.

I am 47. My son's dad died of alcoholism when my son was very young. I have been raising my son on my own. Hardest job I've ever had. I am anti-drug 100% and have set rules for my son to abide by when he is in this house. He has been told no pot, no booze, nothing illegal EVER in my house. He's 20 - I cannot control what he does outside of my home and I don't even try. I told him whatever consequences befall him are his and his alone. He is old enough to make his own decisions, right or wrong.

I have discovered pot and parephernalia in his room as well as come home to find him smoking in the house. The last time I found out he was smoking in his room I told him it ended there and that if he does it again he would need to find another place to live.

Please do not lecture me on pot and how it isn't bad, etc. That is not the issue. The issue is it is still illegal, I do not want it in my house, I have set the rules, but my son continues to do as he pleases. I love my son dearly. I do not want to boot him out of the house, yet, what alternative do I have if he cannot respect me? It breaks my heart that he smokes to begin with and I worry horribly about him and what other things he might be doing. We have talked long and hard about this issue. He has told me he understands why I have asked him not to smoke in the house and that I am not being unreasonable, though he thinks I make a big deal out of it. He is smoking several x/week, and many times alone - such as when he is doing this in his room. This makes me think he has become dependent on it.

Do any of you have any insight as to how I can deal with this problem?

Thanks.

 

i wont go into anything other than what you asked and it seems to me that you have clearly stated to him what your expectations of him are while in your house etc and therefore he should abide by them.... since he seems not to be doin as such he should suffer the repercussions of his actions.... too bad if he doesnt agree with your thinkin behind it,,,, .. it aint his house or his rulez...

 

Thanks Dilligaf - yeah, that's been my mantra of late: My House/My Rules. Since I've threatened, I will have to follow through, and that is just so hard so for me and I don't even know how far to follow though. If pot was legal, and he was of legal age to smoke it, I would not be typing this. To be honest, his drinking worries me more from a health standpoint.

Single parenting sucks.

 

I'll leave alone my views on pot....Bottom line is it's your house your rules, period. I'm the parent of four teenagers, well the oldest is now 20 and if they don't want to live by the rules of the house they can get out. Now you can't really go kicking out a 14 y/o, but at 20 I would lay down the law and if he didn't like it he could live elsewhere.

 

Don't get mad at me. Im just brain storming here.

Some options:

Give him 48 hours, then change the locks and your phone number.
Have him arrested.
Look the other way.
Make additional threats.
Rent an apartment for him, then tell him to move.
Let him keep at it, then throw his stuff away when you find it.
Take him on a tour of your local jail or prison.
Start smoking pot yourself.

Hell IDK. This is why I dont have kids.
Good luck.

 

Im in agreement with the other dads here. My home , my rules.
Do what you think is right. Sounds like you proved your judgement in the way you raised him. Good luck...

 

All well and good, but here's the bump in that road.

 

I am all for pot, but your house, your rules

you have to be really tough
tell him if you find weed in the house one more time, his ass is out
and mean it


and it's very very rare for one to get dependent on pot - I mean, it can happen - but many people on here smoke way more than I could ever imagine, and have no trouble taking breaks from it
I wouldn't worry about that so much

 

He'd probably get the idea if she kicked him out and said he could come back when he didn't smoke or have weed in the house. A few days sofa surfing without mom stocking the fridge would probably get the message across.

 

You should say " Look you are a man now and part of being a man is having the freedom to make your own decisions and mistakes. However, being a man now, you must realize that certain decisions involve consequences. That being the case you should have enough respect for your Parents/Mom to not bring illegal substances into my house. If this happens again you will no longer be able to stay here." Then sick with it.

 

ok i have a huge comment here you may not want to hear
your pushing him out the door & into danger by not even trying to understand my house my rules will only make a 20 year oild want to break some unfair rules, pot being a harmless 1 your gonna push him into smoking in more dangerouse places where arresst is a possible outcome at home is where he should be smoking if he is going to smoke..where its safe
being intolerant & not even trying to understand, doing your own researtch & not just believing "pot is bad" will show you really looked at the issue & he'll take any remaining concerns more seriusly
a sitre i suggest http://www.medicalmarijuanaprocon.org/
its geared towards the medical issues but is ballanced & fair & can be a guide to understanding recreational use as well it clearly looks at both sides of the issue and right now your only seeing your side
look at his side as well & try to understand it
if you dont your intolerance will only push him to try other things
moms so wrong about herb, lets see if shes wrong about heroin too

 

i agree with the "your house, your rules"

but i would also like to put this out here. legally, your house is the safest place for him to be smoking weed. with friends, in his car, or outside he has a great chance of being arrested. trust me, it happened to me. my mother told me "my house, my rules" yet she agreed that smoking weed is no big deal. she just didn't want anything illegal in her house. so i kept my weed in my car. well my car was searched and i was arrested. having an arrest on his record can harm his future. it will stay with him for life. a mothers job is to protect her children. i understand he is 20, but a son will always need a mother to rely on. you house is a safe heaven from him getting arrested. no one can legally enter your home with out your permission or a warrant. and since he is not causing a ruckus, and is doing so well with his life, I'm thinking that no one even knows that he smokes weed. you will have no problem with any suspicion or the law.... and your child will be safe at home.

you already stated that he is doing wonderfully, i really don't see the problem.

 

I have to agree with the above two posters, also. A pot smoker is going to smoke pot whether they do it at home or somewhere else. Forbidding it in the home will only make his keep his stash in his car increasing the possibility of getting busted. At my home we sort of have a don't ask don't tell rule. While I don't blow fatties with my teenagers, I don't ask what they are doing in the woodshed or behind closed doors. Mind you this right to privacy does not extend to white powders or weapons. Any inclination that those rules are being broken then search, siezure, and a really bad day for the offender will happen.

To the OP, I know you didn't want to hear about our opinions on how great pot is, but I have been smoking almost daily for 25 years, am educated and employed in a technical field as well as a fine father. Maybe don't sweat the load so much with the herb.

 

Wow - you guys are great. I came across this site today for the first time. I got exactly what I was hoping for when I posted: varied opinions and some insight.

I am the first to admit I am of the "black and white" society: it's either right or it's wrong, and believe me, I don't like to be so one-sided but try as I might, I always come back to the right/wrong thing.

Pot is illegal. Drinking is illegal for him due to his age. As a mom, I cannot condone drinking and smoking as it tells him, hey, screw the laws, do what you want, it's OK with me. Society is governed by laws, morals and ethics and it is my mom-belief that my job is to live by those laws, morals and ethics and raise my son accordingly. Can't help it.

I do not want to be my son's friend. I want to be his parent. I want to teach him right from wrong. I want him to have respect for others. I want to help him make that transition from boy to dude (see below) to man. I just cannot provide him a "safe haven" to smoke pot - it goes against every fiber of my being. If some stranger was renting a room from me and smoked, I would not allow it in my house. Doesn't matter who it is, I don't want it in my house. I don't play Mom Almighty and hand down rules from high above. He and I have talked for many, many hours on this very subject. He understands my position, even told me as much as he hated and disagreed with my 'rule', he thought I was a great mom and that he loved me...but apparently he can't bring himself to abide by what I ask and I don't think it is asking for much.

Soaring Eagle and Willy Wonka, you both bring up the same points my son does. His very words were, "Your rule makes me seek out unsafe places to smoke and drink." Well, that's throwing the blame right back at me, isn't it? He's the one breaking the law but now wants mom to break the law to cover his butt. My response was, "You are an adult, YOU are the one choosing unsafe places to do illegal things, therefore YOU pay the price." I can't get beyond the logic of that. In my pea brain, it's very simple. You want to play, you pay. This is not a little kid. He is a young man, and as Haid stated, "...part of being a man is having the freedom to make your own decisions and mistakes." I have had that conversation with him Haid. He made a face, told me he wasn't a man but that he was a 'dude'. Dude/man, whatever - part of being a parent is teaching accountability.

Willy Wonka talks about his mom - is she my sister? Her sentiments are mine exactly. My son also keeps weed in his car as you did. Your car was searched, I don't know what preceeded that to result in a search, but you were arrested. I am not being sarcastic, but you got what you deserved according to the law, and that was NOT your mom's fault. When do you start looking out for you? Being an adult is taking responsibility for self, not blaming others. Of course your mom didn't want to ever see that happen, but you chose to do what you did, and you had the misfortune of paying a heavy price. OK - I'm a Libra, can you tell? Back and forth. I am terrified he WILL get arrested. If so, he loses his financial aid and scholarships to school. It will ruin his future just as you said. However, when does a mom stop protecting? When he is away at school, he's on his own. I can not protect him there. He knows and admits, if he gets caught doing this stuff at school, he's screwed. So why would it change when he's home? He is responsible for his actions at school, he is responsible for his actions at home...that is how I see it.

What my son is doing is disrespecting the one and only rule I have imposed on him. Willy Wonka - you are so right - he is doing wonderfully in all other respects. It does make me think I am making a big deal out the whole thing...then there's the legality of it...then there's the lack of respect for my rule...ARRGH! Call me Sybil. It is like a slap in the face when I am working my butt off, working OT, and saving every cent so I can make tuition payments and keep him in school. I am the sole provider for the both of us. He wants me to say, sure, it's OK to smoke in your room. A little respect for your old mom? A little appreciation? It's OK for mom to sacrifice but not the 20-year-old? Gimme, gimme, gimme.

Free in Alaska, thank you. You made me feel better telling me you are a good dad living a good life. I truly do not believe pot is all that bad but some filters on a joint would make me feel better, though! I must say, I'd rather my son smoked pot than drink. Drinking killed his dad, but that's another forum somewhere else. Soaring Eagle, I have done the research - hence my comment regarding pot vs. drinking. This is more the legality/respect for mom issue for me than the health aspect. I do see and hear my son's side, but I just cannot turn a blind eye and let him do as he pleases. I have to admit though, I will think long and hard about that Alaskan don't ask/don't tell rule and that it's no holds barred should there be other substances/weapons/radioactive isotopes found in a search and seizure mission!

I am grateful for all of your responses. No one came on here and attacked me. Everyone was thoughtful and respectful. I got to hear both sides and I am going to give this a lot of thought before acting. Thank you everyone.

Annii

 

i'm happy to hear it,
you should also look into the real reasons for its illegal status
i agree i would be alot more concerned with his drinking
in states where medical use is legal it is used quit effectively to treat drug addictions & alcahol abuse, you should keep that in mind

http://blogs.salon.com/0002762/stories/2003/12/22/whyIsMarijuanaIllegal.html
http://100777.com/drugs/marijuanaconspiracy
theres 2 sites that will begin to educate you on the legality issues

the biggest danger of marijuana is wrongful arresst (wrongful yet legal)
saying if you play you pay, or face the consequences of your actions, is putting him in the only danger you seek to protect him from

ofcourse u must protect yourself as well, you dont want to risk your self or your home
so strict guidelines to protect yourself should be in place, never having it in the open, never in a vehicle, common sence practices to guarantee safety

also understand why he does or what he gets from it
many people benifit from it in many ways
add adhd can in cases disapear, some go from failing to straight a's because it helps them

talk to other users & find out how its hurt & benifitted them, & dont assume u know the whole story from watching anti pot commercials paid for by tobaco interests

 

Hey Annii,
Isn't parenting fun? My hats off to you as a single mother. I don't know what I would do without my wonderful wife. You are obviously a fine and caring mother so keep it up. The whole pot thing has been an interesting road. A big difference with me is I am a pot smoker and couldn't hide it and be hypocritcal as some parents are. I decided when my first son was approaching his teen years to be honest about my smoking and try my best to lay out the facts so he could make descisions based on truth rather than propaganda.

The don't ask don't tell plan comes with a lot of responsibility for my kids. They don't get that right to privacy if their shit isn't together in all other ways. Grades must be up, they must be honest with me, have a good attitude and generally just be a good person. I questioned my parenting when our number two son kinda went off the deep end and really screwed up. All in all we have ended up with good teenagers, even the son who had trouble has come around, who actually are quite honest with us. Hey the don't ask don't tell plan may not work for you, but do consider it.

 

Perfect.

 

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You have every right to not want pot or anything illegal in your house. Out of respect, your son should choose not to bring it into your home, but I am curious to know how you found his stash. Respect works both ways, and looking through his stuff, to me, shows a lack of respect for him.

 

Hi Frieden -
My son DID bring it into the house - several times. I mentioned it in my original post. He was told no drugs, no alcohol, nothing illegal ever in my house. His second offense removed all rights of privacy in this house. I now search whenever and where ever I want. He has never questioned my searching because he knows he was wrong. He lives here and goes to school on my dime (actually it is a lot of dimes). I have every right to search and snoop as I desire in my own home. He has no right to bring pot into my house. He lost my respect with his disrespect.