14 yr-old disrespects mother. Biological father encourages it.

This teen boy apparently thinks it is fun to make demands such as, "Make me lunch", "Buy me this", "Drive me there", "Give me money", "Shut up, I am paying a game over here", "I don't like that gift. Buy me a better one". I've never heard him tell his mother, thank you or I love you.

The deadbeat biological father has very steep animosity over the divorce and seems to want revenge because the woman who used to wait on him hand-and-foot has unexpectedly left him. The teen has very poor social skills to begin with due to a slight case of Asperger Syndrome, and father's negative behavior is only making matters worse. Apparently this father repeatedly complains about and puts down his x-wife without knowing much at all about her new lifestyle. He mistakenly believes that she had an affair prior to the divorce, but she did not. She left him due to chronic mental abuse.

FYI: She and I, (recently married,) are good caring parents. We both have gainful professional careers, are now new homeowners, are law abiding in every way, and bend over backward to spend quality time as a family. We have promised each other that we will always refrain from putting down her x-husband in front of the child.

We believe that the disrespect is coming from the biological father and seek a way to reverse the damage. But alas, we're not sure where to begin. Talking to or making agreements with the father is out of the question. He is indeed unreasonable and fully un-cooperative in every way.

My being a brand new stepfather has me very cautious about coming on too strong with discipline.

Any tips or good advice will be valued and considered. Thank you.

 

I have the same problem and I am not the boys stepfather. It just seems as if Jane still regards our son as her little boy and he takes advantage of it to the full. It may not be as severe as what you describe, but it is still a problem, despite the fact that our son is now over 30 years old and still expects his mother to make sandwiches for him every morning. Thinking back, my own mother seemed to fuss over me in many ways. Perhaps it is something of a biological thing between mothers and their sons. I also dislike the way that one of our daughters expects Jane to jump at her every whim.
In your case, blaming the boys father may be a mistake. The only answer is to get your wife to accept the situation that she may be somewhat oblivious too. Trying to deal with the boy will without doubt turn him against you and result in your new wife still doing all the things behind your back. I would suggest that you offer to drive him to the shops and take over a few of the things that your wife does for him. That way he will start feeling ashamed of his actions and be the start of a better relationship with him
Teenage children are never easy and for all you know could have been part of what destroyed your wife's previous relationship. It certainly strained ours at times.

 

Both the boy and his father are punks, and in grave need of an ass whoopen! Stop doing shit for that kid, he's 14, and doesn't respect or appreciate you, until you go upside his fuckin head. I'm sorry, I'm extremely very low tolerant for disrespectful kids, especially teenage boys.

 

When I read posts like this, I always wonder what the child's side is.

 

Do you have teenage children. I was very surprised when the situation started to develop between Jane and our son and my attempts to put things right just seemed to end up with me looking like the bad guy.
I have known of a few relationships that have broken down when the children reached their teenage years and I now wonder if the interaction between mother and son were part of the reasons.

 

best advice from me is walk away and find a wife with a better kid....you are in for a world of hurt my friend

 

I do. I have a teenage daughter that I'm a stepfather to, but my situation is nothing like yours. I always look like the bad guy sometimes, but I've learned not to care about it because I'm ultimately preparing my daughter to be an independent respectful young woman. You're the bad guy, regardless, because of the shitty father/ ex husband. As long as what you are trying to instill is morally straight and teaching that kid what right looks like, then don't be afraid to continue to be the bad guy. He's got to learn, and damnit...you are the adult.

I never spanked my daughter, mainly because she's not my blood, and also raising girls is different than raising boys, you can't do the same thing. I feel that if a girl needs a spanking, it should come from mom. Boys get it from both.

I agree that a lot of how he's treating you has to do with the kind of relationship he has with his mother. If he doesn't respect his mom, he has no respect for anyone. Boys need ass whoopens when they get out of control or else they will continue to run over whoever they want. Easier to do all this when they are much younger and growing into it. Can't he just go live with his dad?

 

The boy has Aspergers and is mimicking his fathers shitty behaviour, its not his fault, its the fathers fault.
I would seek counciling and if you cant afford that then maybe get a book online to do with the subject.
Do not hurt him, that isnt going to solve it. Im sure you must have some knowledge about asperger kids.

 

I havent read alot about aspie kids but I would correct him everytime he spoke rudely.
I would tell him that your not going to respond to him until he asks nicely and if needed, tell him exactly how you expect to be spoken too. Take his video games and computer away if he doesnt listen.

 

My stepfather was a stupid fuckhead. I have nothing to do with him today. Everyone told him he was right and that it was me who was being a little asshole. I always side with the kid in these discussions. Just be his friend. He'll be out of the house soon enough.

 

In my case, all of the children are our own and the problem is nothing like as severe as that in the original post. I sometimes blame Jane just as much as our son for allowing the situation to develop, mothers and their offspring seem to have quite a unique bond. Our eldest daughter is a London police officer and often finds teenage sons abusing their mothers to various degrees. On one occasion a 16 year old thug was holding a knife to his mothers throat. Needless to say, having witnessed incidents like that, Christina has little time for our sons attitude towards Jane and she has helped make him realize the selfishness of some of his ways. Life is never easy.

 

I went thrift store jeans shopping yesterday.

I feel bad now about how lousy I was to my mom when I was a teenager. We're best friends today tho.

 

Sometimes it just takes time for things to sink in, and sometimes, unfortunately, it takes a life changing event to help some kids come around. You're right, life isn't easy at all.

 

That's the way you do it! Hey...new pic?

 

Nothing that a good ol ass whoopen can't take care of, LOL. Just kidding. But seriously, when I was growing up, none of this shit existed (aspergers, attention deficit disorders, etc.), and it seems like a reason or excuse to get kids doped up on prescription medicine for years and pharmaceutical companies to constantly line their pockets with your money. Whoop...that...ASS!

 

I don't believe in spanking your children. Period.

I do believe in punishment. I would be quick to be all parenting and remind him that it is never appropriate to disrespect her because she is his mother. If that didn't work I would have his phone temporarily disconnected, or put the TV in the attic for awhile. Something along those lines. I would take that very seriously though.

Honestly, I didn't read the OP. But I think you should always respect your parents.

 

It definitely didn’t exist as much back in your day, but it exists now and it’s because of all the extra vaccines and other shit. I agree that it’s a way for Big pharma to make money, but at any rate, these are real conditions.
I’ve read numerous studies.
The boy is a teenager, and you can’t spank a teenager! If you resort to punching him then that’s abuse and it will do nothing but scare him, and make him angry and resentful. I think it’s the route that many people take because it’s quick and the parent lacks the knowledge of a better way.

 

You have to show him for sure how your way is better and why. What can you have that deadbeat dad can not? Something that the boy will also want for himself.

 

Well this isn't the 1950s and all families are at least a litle dysfunctional. All I can say is stay away from toxic people and raise your family the best that you can.

 

I think that being “you” and supporting the mother as can be is very important.