“Just Friends”

I have a problem where girls say to me, “I just want to be friends.” and then something goes wrong:



1. I met a girl at a party and we started exchanging emails. (+) After a few weeks she wrote and said that she didn’t want to continue because she just wanted to be friends. (-) I said that’s all I want, too. She said she was relieved and we kept emailing. (+)



Then she said that she felt closer to me and that she had always thought of me as being “soft”, and that if I wanted things to change between us, “It’s you call.” Then she wrote that she loves me as a friend. (+) So I wrote her that I loved her, too. Then she said we can’t continue because she just wants to be friends. (-)



Then she wrote and said that she meant only for now while she’s busy. (+)



2. I met a girl and we went out a few times. We both said how much we enjoyed it. (+) But there was a problem and she didn’t want to continue. (-) I wrote her occasionally for a year but she never responded. Then I told her that I have always loved her a lot. Suddenly she wrote (+) and said she didn’t want to continue with me because she just wants to be friends and I want more (-). I just wrote her that it’s ok if we’re just friends.



Can anybody explain why they keep saying this and how I can navigate through these land mines? It’s not that they really mean it - they go back and forth between being a friend and being almost a lover.

 

Only a woman can explain this.
No man knows what goes on inside a woman's head.
They say one thing and it often means another.
Men are from mars, and women are illogical, I mean women are from venus.

 

i think people say this when they don't feel a strong romantic/sexual attraction to someone, but they like them and don't want to hurt their feelings. guys do it to, so it's not just women.

btw - if you're shy, you may be hesitant and give the impression that you're ambivalent about how you feel toward someone. this in turn can make them feel ambivalent about you.

 

^^ agreed
not to mention, if a friend of minei starts feeling too forward (particularly guy friends), like theyre flirting with me within the confines of our friendship, i feel the need to make it veryvery clear that i am not interested in them

 

It sounds to me like the first girl just doesn't have a clue what she wants. And the second girl wasn't interested, but felt really bad when you professed your love for her. So maybe she decided to give you another chance, but decided it just couldn't happen the way you wanted it to.

I'm with the ladies above, though. There is a girl out there for you, though.

 

yea, i think it's a kind way of saying i am not physically attracted to you.

 

Dont feel rejected though , sometimes after being friends awhile , other feelings grow out of it.....so...hang in there , and who knows , something might come from a tight friendship !

 

I always find it strange men complain about this. It's better than hearing fuck off, or I don't want anything to do with you, not that I've ever said either, unless a man was harassing me of course,

Women usually enjoy male friends and there might be nothing wrong with the friendship, but the romantical ideas are a no go. I have had many male friends hit on me, and I just didn't feel it, and told them this line, which I meant.

 

Happens, to me and I do it to girls to.
It's i can never get the girl I have in my eyes and the ones, who have me in theres i fell little attraction to. :/ It jsut hwo it is i guess.

 

WRONG. when a girl pretends to be interested in you just long enough to get your hopes up, and then proceeds to drop the "just friends" bomb, that is one of the most painful things possible to a man. when they are honest and say they want nothing to do with you, it's fairly easy to move on

 

you make it sound like they do it deliberately, but i doubt that's the case in most instances. more likely, the guy has said or done something in the interim that makes the girl decide she's uninterested...or she met someone she was more interested in. i doubt it's anything personal or vindictive in the vast majority of cases.

 

100 % correct.

 

Because that's the way it sounds to a male.

Yeah, like being the same guy that she was "interrested in" in the first place.

Not trying to pick a fight with you, but what 'inmyunderware' said is what many (most?) men perceive to be the case.

If only the girl was up-front to begin with........
JMO

 

i'm aware that many men perceive this situation the way those posting to this thread do...but it's really not perceived by the women the way guys often think it is. they say women aren't being 'up front' when actually people's feelings are changeable. when a woman first meets a man she doesn't instantly know everything about him. how can she know from day one how she's going to feel about him forever?

and men change over time too ya know. one thing that happens alot is that men will treat a woman quite a bit better in the earliest stages of the relationship, and as soon as she realizes how it's going to be long-term she decides she doesn't want to go there. i'm sure this happens to men also.

i guess i don't understand, why the need to stereotype women and badmouth the whole sex? if you can let go of the bitterness and anger you'll be alot more attractive to women...i mean, if that's what you want...

but i think the major misunderstanding is that some men think only women do this. it's not true. men do it too. it's a people thing, not a female thing.

 

im gonna agree with lady here... peoples feelings can change. plus there are a lot of people out there (male and female) who are just super friendly and touchy feely with their friends, which may accidentally come across as flirting... until the other person does something that makes the friendly/flirter realize the other person is expecting somethign more and needs to put a stop to it

now if i remember right, thats not what happened to the original poster since he got a lip to lip goodnight kiss which generally is a romantic sentiment.... but im just saying, for future reference, that ive had a lot of friends who had their friends decide it was time for romance and the original flirty friend wasnt interested in that, they were just very exprsesive and touchyfeely in their friendship

 

Okay, I can agree with this, BUT it isn't always a girl playing with a guy. If I'm friends with a guy first, which is usually how it goes, and I'm friendly and we talk a lot and maybe even flirt, it doesn't necessarily mean I want to be with them. So if they express feelings, and I tell them that I just need to be friends, then I'm being upfront. Yet, I get called a tease, or get accused of playing games. That's what I hate.

Honestly, most of my friends are guys. And I talk to a lot of guys on a regular basis. I don't think it's right for a guy to just make assumptions about my intentions and then be allowed to call me names because he gets hurt. If I like someone, I'll let them know- point blank.

But that's just my opinion.

 

All of my previous girlfriends dropped the "let's just be friends" bomb on me...

Fortunately I've always remained friends with them, which is something I'm glad about, even though initially it has always taken a fair amount of work to maintain the friendship after the breakup.

But seriously, I don't know what I'm going to do if I have to hear that dreaded phrase again... It sucks like none other.

Eh, I'll probably just swear off relationships for a long period of time, focus on my studies and musical endeavors, and get back together with my right hand because she's always been there for me

 

that's fine, i've been there a couple times and while it sucks, it's understandable. my biggest issue is when a girls comes out and tells you that she likes you, then when you confirm that it's mutual she changes her mind and wants to be your best friend instead.


but then again, if you're going to be friends with guys, don't fucking flirt with them unless you want something more, otherwise you're not being a friend, just a hurtful bitch

 

But I'm not a hurtful bitch... like I said, I make my intentions clear. It's not like I french kiss a guy and then tell him he's my best friend and we can't be more. I call him sweet names, greet him with a hug and sometimes a kiss on the cheek.... but I do this with my female friends as well. Just because I call you sweetie and give you a hug doesn't mean I want to be with you. I'm just being me. Would a guy rather I be a cold-hearted bitch than warm and caring?

And I've had guys do me the way you said you've been done. I've had guys profess how they feel, and when I concur, they change their mind. It's bull. And I've also been give the "but you're such a great friend, I don't want to risk losing that" excuse, too. It does go both ways.

 

I believe it's all about timing. You can't start talking to a girl and get close to her if she knows u're emotionally attracked to them.

The first step is to approach them as a friend, and it sounds like you got that part down. However, there is a time when you have to step up & make ur move. Never be afraid of rejection, when you like a girl go 4 it. Otherwise ur lady friends will never see you as more than just a friend.

Kinda like when that girls said "it's your call"... that was her way of saying if you want me, let me know. Not a lot of girls are gonna come out and tell u exactly what they're feeling, you gotta learn to translate that.