Okay, so I broke up with my boyfriend last night. I knew I didn't want to be with him for the rest of my life and at 18 I really just want to see what it's like to be with other guys. I have only ever been with him, and while I love him, our relationship lacked excitement. We were drifting, me more so than him, he had a lot of uni work and I was sick of never seeing him without a book or laptop in his front of his face. I wouldn't complain because I know uni is more important than me, but in his absence I grew bored and im ashamed to say I started talking to guys online. I guess that's when I knew I had to end things. I don't fancy him anymore and I want someone different but now that he is gone I miss the closeness we had. It's like losing a best friend and I miss him so god damn much. He tried hard to make things work. I feel like a bitch. I guess im just asking for any advice, or if you been in a similar situation (or any have just been through a rough break up) i'd love to hear it.
I think you're having withdrawal symptoms. When you're with somebody you love, there are hormones being liberated in your body, feel-good hormones. Without him, you aren't getting your fix of those. With time, it'll pass. Also, second guessing yourself is a natural thing and very common. My guess is that you've given this a lot of thought before breaking up, and have taken the good decision. Like you say, you were already looking for another man on the net. If you'd go back now, because your withdrawal symptoms are not funny to experience, it'd be a mistake. It'd be making a decision with an unclear mind. But only you really know. Did you talk to him before? Because he should have all the knowledge about the reasons, the situation and your motivation. When I break up, I feel responsible for giving the other person all the tools to mourn the lost relationship and move on. When people don't know why things are the way they are, it's a lot more difficult to move on. If you didn't break up properly, perhaps you could write him a letter explaining your exact reasons. Not to try to get him back, but to help him understand and move on. Avoid saying things like "you deserve better," because that's patronizing and, as such, very upsetting.
He knew that over the last few months things hadn't been great. I asked for a break a couple of weeks ago but he said he didn't like it or the time apart. I knew that for me the relationship was over. I'd been with him for three years and it just wasn't the same anymore. I told him that I felt as though we'd lost our relationship, that I viewed him as a best friend rather than a boyfriend and that I simply didn't want to 'make it work'. I didn't think there was anything left to make work. Id lost interest in the relationship as it was, but after three years together it's so hard to live without him. I feel guilty too, for the way I treated him before we split, it was like I wanted him to just do the dirty work for me and break up with me. I feel so bad for not being as faithful as I should have been. He told me that he saw a future for us and that I'd broken his heart. He eventually wanted us to move in together. I think because he was older than me (21) he didn't see it as such a big deal but I really did and I feel awful about the whole thing.
OK. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's done. If that's how you were feeling, you've taken a good decision. Sometimes people are fine, nice, good people. The problem is just that they're not made for each other. The bad feeling will pass with time. It's really withdrawal symptoms. Relationships are a learning curve kind of thing. We all do things that afterwards we realize we could have done better, we all second guess ourselves... it's not a linear phenomenon. Give yourself time and don't jump into a new relationship right away. Take care!
The only solution I know to the intimacy vs. variety conundrum is an open relationship. But I would NEVER do that!
