My first entry by: headymoechick on March 21, 2005, 1:24 pm
Ok so this is how the Journals work. I guess I can work with this. I need a place where I can put my random thoughts. I need one for home as well. I think I expressed that need enough to Erik that the next time we can go run errands, I'll get one. There's something about writing in something that looks neat that makes you feel better about it. In a regualr notebook it feels like homework.
I wish I could draw. I think it would make my thoughts easier to interpret if I could put a picture with my mood. I don't really have a mood today. Other than motivated to change a little bit. There aren't enough choices in that "mood" option.
I walked to work today. It was snowing. It was cold. But it never upsets me or makes me mad. I wish there were a bunch of woods and a trail I could walk to get to work. That would be nice. I would be in a great mood every morning. I love to walk in nature. I love to be outside by myself. With others is fun, but there's just something so calming and meditation-like in walking outside by myself. The sounds of the birds. The songs that play in my head.
I wonder how often you can use this journal? I hope more than once daily. work is ridiculous sometimes. I guess that's what I get for trying to work my way up and run a small company. It easy sometimes. Obviously, since I post on the forums all day. Other times it's not. It's not the work that's hard. It's the bullshit that I have to put up with from people. My boss is nice but when she's in Chicago and emailing me a million times a day, I get irritated. It feels like the movie Office Space a lot. Whenever I forget something she'll go over the whole process with me to "make sure".
Did you get that memo?
I was waiting for some Chinese food the other day and the weather wasn't so bad. The sun was shining right in my face and it was warm. It was quiet. I could hear birds that you don't normally hear in the dead of winter. Snow was melting. Every once and a while a drop of water would hit me. Not pften enough for me to move out of my sun spot, but enough to drive me a little crazy. Like Chinese water torture. while waiting for my Chinese food. That sounds like an episode of Seinfeld.
My boss just told me I might need to drive to Warren to pick up paint. I don't mind the drive. It's nice. Especially in his Bravada. Early won't be so bad. It's when I get asked at 11:30 and I have a million things going on that it pisses me off. Am I the only one capable? I would like to think that Erik is a better candidate. I mean, I'm the only one amswering the damn phone! Oh, well. That's another thing I like about dumb orders from Andy. Bevin can't get pissed at me because she knows he is the one sending me and I can't tell him off like she can.
Ok. I need to work really hard this week. I need to be responsible and clean when I get home. I need to find a way to get groceries first of all. We could last a few more days on my creative cooking, but Erik prefers not to do that. Neither do I. It takes more work. I have nothing left I can grab and go for our lunches. I need to figure out the bank balance and put money away for the car, make sure all bills are paid and maybe get Erik a small present. He deserves it. He's been working hard and putting up with a lot of my shit lately. We need to go to the Reservation to get him cigs. I wish he would quit. I need to do the mountain of laundry that has piled up. Who has time for laundry? I wish we had our own washer/ dryer. Would it help? Would I want to do it any more? Probably not. Anything else that REALLY needs to be doen this week? I don't think so. Those are the main ones.
I do feel bad for Erik, I do. I'm so mean sometimes. But I give him opportunities to just give me what I want and make it all better and he's so stubborn. I don't even get what his point is. If he does something dumb or annoys me and I speak in a tone that shows it, he treats it like a goddamn crime. I need to stop swearing like that. Seriously though, if I'm irritated I show it. I don't hide behind fake smiles and attitudes. I don't have the talent like he does to dismiss the situtation with a nasty passive aggressive comment. I want to be rescued in my time of need. I need my hero to sweep my off my feet and make me feel loved. I don't need him to agree, I don't need him to apologize all the time( espescially because all it does when he doesn't mean it is shut me up and it lurkes around inside him, waiting for the perfect moment to lash out and strike) I just need him to make me feel better. To say, ok we're done with that, here's a picture I drew, or lets take a walk and pretend we're looking for gold or something crazy.
He really doesn't get that he says the same damn apology everytime. Most of the time it works, just to end the situation, but I need more lately. I need him to do other things, and not act like a freaking robot when he apologizes. I wish there was a way of explaining it to him. He doesn't get it. He says "ok I won't apologize anymore then." When that's not what I'm asking at all. When he says crap like that, I feel like he gets it, but he's being dramatic. He elevates the problem a lot. HE is the one who gets me going and then pulls his puppet act out as soon as things get TOO out of control. BUt he enjoys making me sweat. He likes to test me, just to see if I'll pass. I don't know why. He expects me to fail. Dr. Phil says people naturally do that. I wonder if it's a load of crap or if it's real. Erik sure does do it a lot, but I think its unconsciencely. I wish he would stop. I wish he would expect me to succeed and get disappointed when I don't. I wish he had faith in me. I wish he could let go of everything and start each day fresh and new. I wish he could stop keeping score in our relationship. That's huge. He doesn't realize. I may have been extra emotional yesterday, but I have a feeling if I leave for any reason, it will be this one. I don't know how to talk to him about it, I don't know how to tell him it's this serious, I don't know how to get it to stop. I already know I fucked up more in the past. I know that, he knows that, it's over and done with and I can't take it back. I've been mean and nasty and I feel bad about it. I have gotten down on my knees and begged for forgiveness, yet somehow, someway, I always end up getting my past thrown in my face. I love him so much, but I need this change to happen. I need him to put faith in me each and every time and if I fail, be disappointed, not "oh well, I knew you'd act this way." I think if he expceted me to succeed, he might treat me in a better way, in a tone that's different or something. Anything but his defense mode. It's passive aggressive comments through and through and I hate it. He'll bring up crap I've done months ago and I feel compelled to remind him of all that he has put me through, but I can't because I truely forgive and forget. I don't know how much longer I can take the score keeping. I just hope we can work it out soon. He has no idea of how close I am to blowing up if he does it again. And he WIll do it again because he feels like MY problems are worse than his and I should work on mine before he works on his. Maybe my problems ARE worse, but why does that give him reason to not put 100% into this relationship and his behavior? I don't get it. For him it's like, we'll she's so much worse that my problems look tiny so it takes the heat off me for a while. What will he do if I can overcome my problems and he sees that some are still there and who's fault is it now? How will I feel when I'm better and he's the one casuing all the mayhem? Will I be strong enough and just leave? God, I hope not. I love him dearly and the good times are great. when things are good between me and him, the world is at peace for that moment. We're that couple everyone looks at and says, "if they can't make it no one will" or "you guys will get married I just know it". We ARE good together. No other guy could treat me as good as he does.
The thing that he just doesn't understand is the good things he does are NOT get out fo jail free cards that allow him to fuck up without putting in effort to fix it. He thinkgs if he was nice one day, he says an asshole comment the next, if I want him to put some effort into making me feel better, what he did teh day before means nothing. This logic baffles me everytime. I DO appreciate with a full heart the things he does out of kindness, but in a completely different situation, why are those things relevent? It makes me think he did those things to have something to yell at me about, to have something to hold up his end ofthe arguement. I don't want him to be nice if I have to let him be a jerk because he was nice the day before. I want to show him how it feels, but I just can't. There's many things I want do to him and make him hurt like me, but I can't find it in myself to do it because when he does, it hurts so damn much.
7:51. I've been writing for almost an hour. I had no idea how much I had built up inside of me. Journals are beautiful. They show you things in your mind you didn't know were there or bring out things that are important and you didn't know it.
I'll be writing later. I should do some work here first.
just great by: headymoechick on March 21, 2005, 2:08 pm
I thought I would get to take a nice drive but Andy went instead. He said he would go get breakfast and then go wait. the damn paint isn't going to be ready for hours and I have to do EVERYTHING myself now. that just fucking figures. I hate doing the dirty work.
BEvin is emailing me out the ass already. most of the time I get a few hours of peace until she wakes up in Chi- town and gets on my ass.
Not today. poor me. I wish I had some pity.
work- pros and cons by: headymoechick on March 21, 2005, 2:52 pm
this damn place is falling apart. Bevin says someone bought the office building but no one had signed papers yet, Then we have 90 days to pack up and move next door. I hope we go under before that. In some ways. In others I don't. It's going to be the biggest pain in the ass if we have to move all the partitions, computers, phones, network everything again, try an operate in the dingy, dirty, loud factory. Why doesn't she just sell this place. People have offered to take over the business.
I hate the office building sometimes. I'm so alone. All I have is the dog who does nothing until someone shows up, hten he barks and scares the hell out of them. Who brings a big ass Boxer to the office? It's so bad when I'm talking to these NYC execs on the phone and I have a dog barking in the background. they must think we operate out of a barn.
I hate it when people ask me for loans. I feel like a bitch saying no, but pay your damn bills, people. It amazes me how all these people in thier 40's are so stuck here and in debt. It makes em want to quit and run away. I hope i'm doing the right thing, working here. I mean, how great is it to get experiece running a whole company at age 19 without even a diploma? But I don't want to stay here. I want to get out. Soon.
The ceiling is leaking again. Big puddles on the floor. I'm not cleaning it up. Whoever said they are buying this dump building can when they get their ass in here. I hope it's soon. I need a good change.
no time is being given off for Easter. Nice of Bevin to mention that after she leaves for Chicago so I have to be the one to tell everyone this. She's so cowardly.
I hate Brutis sometimes. He scares off people. You don't bring a big, loud dog into a place of business. He would never bite, but you wouldn't know that by looking at him, especially when he is barking and jumping at the door. I'd like to lock him in an open office, but he's the best friend of the old ass owner and I can't. Thank god Andy was out when I just yelled at him.
Work makes me so awful. It turns me into this fast paced, power seeking bitch. And as soon as I go home, I'm a totally different person. But here, I hate myself. I have to be mean, cold hearted, and bug the shit out of people. I don't need people to like me in a work setting , but I don't want anyone to hate me.
Thank God Erik is getting another job. I don't want him to see me like this. I wonder what all those people out in NYC would think if they saw who was yelling at them on the other line. Some small, pig tailed girl with a scarf around her head, dead bear tattoo on her back, goes home to smoke weed and listen to music and have idiotic conversations. I wonder what all those people go home to.
food? by: headymoechick on March 21, 2005, 3:51 pm
Bananas are overrated. I just ate one and as good as they are for you, it didn't fill me up at all. They feel like hunks of snot in your mouth. I didn't used to think so. Then I begged me mom to tell me why she hated bananas. I can barely choke them down now.
I guess that's what I get.
I can't wait to eat my sandwiches. I make every sandwich wit love and they taste so good. even boring ones like bologna. I put a special something in them I think.
I hope I get new pots and pans soon. that would be nice. I could make all sorts of stuff. I have an urge to bake. Some brownies or cookies would be awesome. I tried to make a cake twice and I fucked up. I'm a beginner, though and I did ok. It tasted great and that's what counts to Erik. Presence counts to me, but I should forget about it.
my dream last night by: headymoechick on March 21, 2005, 5:30 pm
I had a good dream for once and it got ruined!! I was walking and Johnny Depp came up to me. He wanted to be my boyfriend!! So we were walking together and discussing Hunter Thompson and all of a sudden, this girl I went to school with a long time ago came up and started kissing him!! Then I woke up to poop.
I wonder what it means. I mean, sure I'd love to be Johnny Depp's girlfriend, but where does this girl Holly come in? When I knew her she was nice. Then I moved and from what I hear, she became a huge slut. I know a few guys who tag teamed her. I'm certainly not threated by her!! But why would she steal Johnny away?
Re: my dream last night by: alex714 on March 22, 2005, 4:27 am
johnny AND hunter???
amazing dream that must have been!
Re: my dream last night by: mystical_shroom on March 22, 2005, 12:45 pm
haha you know she really dreamed about getting it on with us :D
March 22nd, 2005 by: headymoechick on March 22, 2005, 12:47 pm
Well, good morning journal. I feel like crap. I have this urinary tract infection coming on full force this morning. I should have known a few days ago and got myself some cranberry juice when the thought popped into my head but, I figured I just had to go to the bathroom and there were no problems. I should have gotten some just to be safe because look where I got myself now. My piss feels like fucking tobasco sauce and I feel like I have to go every 5 minutes.
the walk ot work wasn't too pleasant. My crotch feels like its on fire, AND I felt like I had to shit the whole way. I ran to the bathroom as soon as I got here and what happens? Nothing. Nothing but a single drop of urine that burns so bad it makes me grip the toliet seat. Funny how these things come on so quick. Every time I get one, a horrible thought floats around in my mind. That I have some STD from Erik screwing around on me. It would never happen. I don't think. I doubt Erik would cheat on me. He might give up soon and leave, but I think he holds himself to a hiugher standard that that. If he gave me some other slut's STD I would hurt him. I would hurt him so bad. BUT, i don't have to worry about it. I think if I keep telling myself that those thoughts will go away. I should have gotten a juice this morning. The pop was buy one get one free so I went with that instead. I figured I'd rather suffer with a burning crotch and give Erik a pop at lunch. How nice of me.
I think I need to start thinking about my weight. Funny how when I lived at home I was a health nut, but I didn't need to worry about it then. I was thin. I ate one good healthy meal a day and excersised for 2, 3- 5 hours a day. Why don't i have that same motivation now? I guess it's because i work instead of going to school. I should be motivated though. I wish Erik would help me. i've asked a million times to help me get going and be my personal trainer. But somehow it slips his mind too. We were talking last night and I said I think i could get fat pretty easily. He agreed. That bothered me a lot. I don't want to let myself go. I mean, Jeez, I'm only 19 and slipping to into this comfy, housewife mode with Erik. I don't like it. I want to be thin and fit and active. When summer comes (or even weather that doesn't require a big coat) we'll go camping and hiking a lot. That will help. i want to be a little more toned before summer though. I should get into a schedule. maybe this time if I ask really nice and tell Erik I'm serious, he'll beleive me and help me out.
I just pissed him off. I'm sitting here in freaking pain and I am not in hte best mood from it. UTI's tend to take over your whole mind and mood, until you find something worse to think about. I have found the best way to get rid of a UTI, it to simply forget and drink cranberry juice. I haven't gone to the doctor for one of these in a long time. the hard part is forgetting though. Feeling as if you have to go pee really bad is something hard to ignore. So anyway, he's talking to me about how much everyone downstairs is just milling around, how there isn't much work except for a few areas and you can only use so many people, blah blah blah. Great. So he's telling me about how I'm paying everyone to fuck off in the factory. not exactly something I want to hear. Plus, I AM trying to write in my journal, here. I like to be alone with my thoughts when i'm trying to sort them out, not having a boring conversation. All we talkied about was my damn UTI, how people in the factory are fucking off, and he mentioned how excited he is for the summer and upcoming festivals. That's great, just wonderful. I guess I should have patronized him like he does to me when he doesn't want to listen (as if I can't tell when he's doing that). I just feel like I'm being even nastier if I'm dishonest. If I act annoyed when I get annoyed he gets the hint and leaves me to my thoughts. But his feelings were hurt. He wants a girl who can smile and giggle through anything. I guess I can do that. I will when he comes up later. It's hard to be dishanoest when you aren't naturally a dishonest person. It's quite easy for Erik to patronize me and other people. I just don't want to fall into this habit that I feel erik has. He uses this weird disdainful atiitude whenever he wants to get out of a situation quick instead of solving the problem. If we both start doing that what will happen? But if I don't act like this dream girl Erik has pictured, I'll lose him. I wonder if someone like that is really out there. Someone who can tell Erik that he hurt her feelings without Erik analyzing her tone and getting pissed off. Someone who pops out of bed in the morning ready for sex, pot, and laughter as soon as she opens her eyes. A girl who has a sweet job that never makes her angry or stressed out. A girl who has big boobs so Erik would never have to stare at someone else. A girl who lets him go and do as he pleases, come home whenever he wants, lie whenever he wants, and let him make all the "manly" decisions. I feel like I'll never live up to what Erik wants and some day he just going to tell me I failed and kick me to the curb.
What's our problem? by: headymoechick on March 22, 2005, 12:53 pm
I hate how all my entries end up being about a problem I have with Erik. I hope we get into another smooth spot. Those rough patches suck ass. I really want to have a great relationship with him. He's so nice. He's fun. He likes a lot of the same things I do. He's inspiring. I feel bad that I called our conversation boring. It wasn't boring, I just didn't want to hear what he was telling me and this stupid infection is REALLY bad. I'll apologize later when he comes up. I hate seeing him walk away with that hurt puppy look. It cuts into my heart. I love him very much. I want to be a better person for him.
My dad by: headymoechick on March 22, 2005, 1:59 pm
I'm happy that my dad just called. He sounds really happy. I'll have to call my mom later and tell her. She'll be releived. As much as she can't live with my dad anymore, I know she loves him and cares about him. He was bad for a while. Depressed and almost suicidal. He drank a lot. I hope he stopped doing that so much. Or maybe not. maybe what he needs is to be free and go to the bars every night. I want him to meet someone, but I don't want it to be some bar chick. To tell the truth, I don't think my dad will end up with anyone at all, and that's ok with me. Secretly I'm hoping a few years will pass, my parents will get lonely, my dad will be over his working/freedom kick and they'll get remarried. I try and not have that thought as to not have false hopes. But Erik's parents did it. They're happy now. Maybe they just need a break.
No, Delilah, no. Stop saying that. They were NOT happy together and they WON'T get back together so stop telling yourself that like a silly little girl.
I told him I needed money. I didn't say how much when he asked. I couldn't bring myself to it. I still have to write him a letter. Maybe he'll write one back and send money. I have never asked for a significant amount of money before. 5-10 dollars here and there, but never have I asked for anything more than that. I feel strange about it. Mom and Dad keep telling me that if I ever need anything it's ok to ask because everyone needs a little hlp now and then, but I feel so bum-like to really ask for help. We don't NEED the money, but it would sure help. Erik wouldn't have to work such long hours if we had a few extra bucks in the bank. yeah, I'll write him a letter and ask for some money. Everyone around me is telling me to use the divorce as a guilt trip and use it to my advantage. It made me feel sick to hear that. Bevin said she would ask for thousands if her parents got divorced now. How could she do that? If I were my mom or dad and had my whole life turned upside down, the last thing I would want is my duaghter calling me for cash.
I'd like to become a notary. I could up my wages a few extra bucks if I did that. It doesn't take much. Maybe I'll ask my dad for some extra cash and my mom to help me become a notary. I feel so greedy even writing this. Although my dad didn't send me anything for Christmas OR my birthday. He owes me. Why am I justifying this to myself? I guess I feel guilty about wanting to ask for money.
I miss my parents a lot. I'd like to see at least one of them soon. The last time I saw my mom and dad was when I left Erik for a weekend I didn't spend any time with them at all. I just talked to Erik on the phone trying to work things out. I missed him terribly. The last time I really spent some time with them was before they moved last summer. Almost a year. I'm so sad now. Ok, don't cry. You ARE at work. Don't be a baby. You didn't need mommy and daddy at 16 when you moved out so don't go bawling now. A small voice in my head says that at least I went back to see them after things cooled down once a week or so. I could eat some dinner with them, watch Erik play with my brother, chat and laugh with my mom. It was so nice. I feel like my heart is breaking. We're all spread out now. Mom is in KY, and doesn't know where she wants to go next. Dad is in Denver until he starts this 5 year job in Utah. Utah. What the fuck is in Utah? I'll never want to go visit him out there.
God knows no one will visit me here. They made it. They escaped. Bryan has some time off in April and I really thought I was going to see her then. I thought she would want to see me and her family. But she saw them a few weeks ago in NC. She's going to check out Texas on Bryan's vacation. When we get the car back on the road, honestly, going to Louisville will not be an easy task compared to some otherthings we could do to lift our spirits. And why should I give up going to Aunt Denise's tree house in the Adirondacks just to see mom? She's not giving up anything to come see me. So there. Maybe we'll see her sometimes in june or July. My heart sinks at the thought, but, welcome to adulthood I suppose. It's so easy for everyone around me to say those things. Not one person that has told me that has a parent more than 15 minutes away. No one understands. Erik takes having his parents here for granted. I can't make him spend time with them, but when we move, he'll wish he had. They live right up the street and we rarely go over. I don't have to go, but he should. For dinner once and a while. Just bring me some leftovers. I don't want him to feel like I do now.
I don't want to be Angela by: headymoechick on March 22, 2005, 2:56 pm
I hate acting like Angela. She comes out when I least expect her to. I have to lure Deiliah out today. She's hiding. She doesn't want to be at work (which is going SO slow) and be mean and crabby. She wants to run around out in the woods with some fairy wings on. She wants to pull her top off and climb a tree. She wants to build a fire and cook some hot dogs. She wants to dance around the fire while Erik beats on some hand drums. She wants to feel the wind in her hair and the sun upon her face. She wants to twirl around barefoot on the earthy floor of the forest and hear the rush of the cold water of the stream just over the hill.
We have a spot at the gorge that is the perfect camping place. You can pull your car right there so you don't have to hike a mile with all the camping supplies (which would never be so bad except beer is usually brought along). The land is flat. There is a small hill where fire wood is endless. Just over the cliff there is a river below, and you can put your tent close so you can hear the rush of the water falling over the rocks as you sleep. There is a huge rock and a big log for places to sit. 2 fire pits. It's perfect. Erik and I have spent whole weekends there. I can't wait to go again. maybe this weekend the weather won't be so bad, the low temp in the mid 30's or something. We could do it. We have tons of warm clothing and blankets. We need a new tent so we could get a decent one and life would be paradise for two days.
I need a little dose of paradise. I feel like my soul is dying because I've been cooped up too long in this corporate shit-world. During winter, there is no escape. Sure, we went hiking a few times, but it's not as fun. You get wet and cold. Building a fire is a lot harder. To find something to do, you have to spend money. I hate it. I want to run away right now. run until I can't see this awful city anymore. run deep into the woods where they can never find me. I can make a house out of a cave and eat animals such as deer and rabbits.
yeah, right. What the hell would I do? Jump the deer from behind the bushes? I can't shoot a gun.
I'll have to stay in Babylon a little while longer. Please, God, keep me sane and calm, and let me find peace in my life right now.
I can see it coming by: headymoechick on March 22, 2005, 4:25 pm
WHY do the guys in Engineering use the fax/copy machine the way they do? they use the sorter which is easier than using it manually, but it fucks up EVERY TIME!! Then they can't fix it can I have to stop what I'm doing to fix the paper jam.
Why can't they use it like I ask them to so I don't have to fix things for them? Why bother doing something the easy way if it's harder in the end?
Why? Because it's only harder for me.
Delilah to the rescue...
Get going! by: headymoechick on March 22, 2005, 6:18 pm
I am just slipping into this awful, trapped, shitty feeling. I want to go home and get in a vehicle and drive to somewhere nice. I have to finish out the day here. It's going so slow. It hasn't felt this bad in a while. I must be in a funk. Cabin fever I suppose. I can't get myself to be happy. I can't think of anything that would brighten my day up. I just have too much shit to do. I have the laundry, I have to go grocery shopping, I have to do the damn dishes that I didn't do last night because Erik said he would. I have to shower. I want to take a bath and relax so bad but by the time everything is done tonight, I'll be lucky if I have the time to take a quick shower just to get clean. I'm all hairy and I hate it. I want to shave everything and do my mini facial. I can't send Erik out to do everything because no matter what, without fail, he forgets something, or gets the wrong thing, or something like that. I love him, but he just can't shop for food.
I need some motivation. I need to get started on all my stuff and I only have about 4 hours to do it all. I also need to write to my dad and start excercising again. I don't need to do much, just crunches and some sort of thigh excercise. 10 minutes a day. I can do that. But when? I'll have to MAKE food sometime tonight, ARGH! I feel overwhelmed and there's nothing anyone can do to make it all go away. I can't accept any help from Erik, he's got enough going on. He works hard physically and he is trying to find our keys and he's stressed about getting this new job. I hope he gets it. I can't stand having him here anymore. Any time I speak with a little bit of a tone because I'm putting up with a lot of bullshit he gets this hurt look on his face. I mean, God can't he understand that I just want to be left alone unless he can do something to help out? If he can't then shut the hell up!
He just made me SO mad. He can't just shut his damn mouth. He sucks at grocery shopping plain and simple. His ADD is too much for him to get a week's worth of food without forgetting or mixing something up. I would rather go with him and get it done right the first time, then just have something else to think about later. I said I appreciate it and thank you, but there's nothing he can do for me. What does he say? " I just won't offer to do anything anymore then."
I'm about to burst ou tin fucking tears or throw something or just walk out. My neck is so tight that I can barely move it. It's killing me right now.
Why does he say those stupid things. I immediatly got pissed and told him it's those dumbass things that just elevate the situation. It didn't need to be said. I SAID thank you, but no. It wasn't nasty, I didn't have any hidden meanings, I said what I meant. After I get pissed and tell him this, the situation cools, I calm myself and what does he do? Make some stupid comment about how he's too idiotic to do go grocery shopping. What the fuck does he want me to do? The next time he offers, I'll take him up on it. And when he forgets something, I'll jump on his ass about why I don't send him to do it himself. That's what I should do.
But I won't. I'll just do it myself and try to put up wiht the fact that he just doesn't rememeber stuff. The funny thing is, I don't mind that he can't shop for food. The nasty comment came out of him. See where it got him? I was so pissed I was shaking. I want to scream!!
Plus, my two bosses were just screaming at each other and dragged me into it, and I got so pissed I just walked out and had to sit outside for a minute to calm down. I wish Erik were here to see that. Just so he knows what I have to go through after he takes his shit out on me.
I know that's exactly what it is, too. He hates the fact that he's not perfect and says nasty shit to me. I accept it. I can't remember to do dishes, but I don't take it out on him by saying, "what, like I'm too lazy to do a load of dishes everyonce and a while? well, maybe I just won't do them ever again." I know I'm dirty in the kitchen. I try and fix it and if I feel bad, I direct my anger at the right person- me. He has no idea of how much it pisses me off. It makes me want to hit him.
I want Andy and Bevin to stop screaming at each other. I want Andy to stop telling her to have me take care of whatever it is they need done. I'll do it, just please stop screaming.
I can't take much more. It's so nice out. Maybe I can leave early somehow.
going home by: headymoechick on March 22, 2005, 9:34 pm
I'm not looking foreward to it. I just talked to him on the phone and he wouldn't admit that his first comment about not doing anything for me anymore was what started the actual fight. I said he would do much better telling me he feels unappreciated, than using the passive aggressive method. I asked if he could just give me one thing- no nasty commments that don't need to be said. He couldn't give me an answer. Just some bullshit about how he's sick of a lot of my crap too. how typical. Just a diviersion tactic. He WAS wrong today and I calmly explained that one more comment tonight and he'll get the same response as he did today. The yelling, the screaming, and I won't hold back. If he can't work on this in himself, I am NOT
never mind. I take it back. He can make any comment he wants. I won't yell or scream. I will try and control myself because I am not playing childish games like him. The first time he says something thta didn't need to be said, he can simply leave. I don't need his bullshit. I need to help myself and work on me. I will talk calmly with him and if he wants to go grocery shopping himself, ok. If he forgets something, that's ok too, I'll simply tell him he'll have to fix it another time. No attitude, just the truth. Erik doesn't like the truth. No today. I was fine. I was in a bad mood, but I wasn't being nasty with him, i even said a few times there's really nothing he can do. Maybe he felt inadequate and took it out on me. I don't know. But something i his brain switched and he got defensive for no reason and said something that didn't need to be said and he has to accept that. If he can't he has a LONG way to go in trying to stop that passive aggressive attitude. He has to realize it first. And why SHOULD I try and control myself when faced with that attitude. It's not as if he's trying in this situation. I hate how he says there is a lot he is sick of. Does he not see how anything that he could hate about me today, he brought upon himself? Like I said, if he doesn't he's got a LOT of work to do. I KNOW I was perfectly civil to him until he made that comment. And I think he knows it too. God, I hope so.
Anyway, I'm not going to sink to his level just because he can't try and take some repsonsibility for what he did. I will act like an adult and act maturely, and I will work on ME today, no matter how hard he tries to get some nasty last word in. and i'm dead serious about telling him to find another plac to stay for a while if he sinks that low. I deserve to have a chance to make myself a better person and I'm tired of his attitude and lack of faith getting in the way.
Kill 'em with kindness, girl. THAT'S your answer. Don't let him get to you. Stop caring. Care only about yourself and be kind to him. He won't have one thing against you.
ok, I'm stopping now because I'm talking to myself. I think it;s ok. Just a little pep talk.
another day... by: headymoechick on March 23, 2005, 12:32 pm
hmm... I was in the middle of typing something and it erased and I have to start over now. That figures. Anyway, I can't beleive it's only Wednesday. This week is going by so slow. Although it's not like anything good is happening this weekend anyway. I can't wait to get our car back.
Maybe Erik and I will drink this weekend to occupy ourselves. That would be nice. Erik always says "maybe we can drink this weekend" when I bring it up, but it hardly ever happens. He says he doesn't feel good or something. But I'll keep my hopes up. Maybe I'll get REALLY lucky and we'll celebrate Erik gettting a new job and split a bottle of Korbel again. That was great on Valentine's day. I loved it. some beer would be ok, too. Mixed drinks are my favorite, but we always need to get 2 bottles of liquor because Erik likes rum and I like vodka. I just can't get into rum. That's all they drink down in Jamaica. *sigh* I wish we were back there. I want to go again someday. Without Lance and Courtney. They have managed to ruin every trip somehow with a big fight or putting stress on Erik and me. As many places as they go, they sure don't know how to have fun. I think that's why they brought us along so many places. We act in a way that they want to, but can't seem to let go enough to really enjoy themselves. I don't know what they're thinking anyway. It's not like they act all prim and proper as they like to think. In nice resturaunts neither of them can sit up straight, look the waiter/ waitress in the eye, or pronouce thier meals right. They have awful table manners, and never make any conversation. Whenever Courtney is away, Lance creeps out of his shell for a second to say something to Erik and make us laugh. It's so sad. He's a really nice guy, but choose such a stupid path. He's in too deep now. We can't break him free. I doubt that the life he's living now is what he truly wants. Who would choose that. The constant feeling of being on guard because all your friends steal from you, the screaming of "lance!" 100 times a day whenever you slip out of eyeshot of the wife, having to hang out with whoever she approves of (unless they sell you heroin, then he'll go to any measure to see THOSE people)
It really gets to me because Erik and Lance were such good friends. I liked him too. He was generous and never expected anything from us. He has this morbid sense of humor that can get anyone through a rough night. He has the right idea in his head about how to live, but took all the wrong turns. It's just so sad. I can't even look him in the eye anymore. Before it seemed like there was life struggling inside him, trying to break free; now his eyes are dead. His soul is no longer fighting. I guess that's what heroin does to you. It makes you blank and hollow inside. He doesn't hear the screams, or feel the blows, or taste any life in the air. It baffles me that he would turn to heroin. Why? Most people go that way because they have problems or issues that can be erased with the opiate. What problems does he have that he hasn't created himself? He never has to worry about money, or getting groceries or paying bills, or being alone. He could have had it all. I'm sure some other girl out there would have felt on top of the world being with him. some modest NICE girl. Why is he so attracted to bitches? Jessica? Courtney who is the queen of the bitches (she has a crown and all)? Was he raised to only go after high class (rolls eyes) chicks? I wonder what his outcome might have been if he had waited and met some girl at a festival or something.
doesn't matter now. He has dug his own grave. We're just waiting to be told when to show up.
Hooray! by: headymoechick on March 23, 2005, 12:43 pm
I got everything done last night that I needed to. I did some laundry, all the dishes, Erik and I got groceries, and I took a long hot bath and listen to some Ani DiFranco.
I talked to my mom last night and this guy that's been a friend of the family for years has a cabin about 20-30 minutes away from here. It's in the woods next to this nice lake. It has 2 bedrooms and he hardly ever uses it! The only reason he keeps it is because he gets such a good deal. 300/ month!! So I said, hey, we're looking to get out of this hellhole, would you ask him if it would be ok to rent it from him temporarily? Just until we find another house to rent (in which Erik can do his "job"). It would be wonderful. I bet he will let us for a few months. It has a fire pit in the back and a loading dock right on his property to stick a boat in the lake. Can you imagine?? I could lay out in the sun, Erik could fish, we would have a place all to ourselves (unless he came back into town and we'd have to live with him for a week or two), we could swim, we could play music loud, we could have a dog.
It would be wonderful. Even just for a while, it would be great. I would make my boss pay me more for the commute (she couldn't turn me down, she needs me) and life would be quiet for once. I don't think we'd throw any parties. I want to lay low for a while. Maybe a few backyard BBQ's. Oh, my gosh that would be awesome. I would make tons of food and Erik's friends can come and be jealous!! I really hope he says yes. If it was just through the summer or something, it could work. I don't want to stay in our dingy little apartment. Sure, it's got tons of perks, but it's still right in the city, no sunlight EVER hits our property, and I'm sick of sharing a place with other people. I don't care how nice the old lady is upstairs. I want a place to ourself.
Ah, that would be heaven. I'll keep my fingers crossed.
One more thing... by: headymoechick on March 23, 2005, 12:52 pm
Erik knows he fucked up yesterday. He said it's because he tries too hard. I don't know why, but whatever the problem is, I hope he can fix it. After work we smoked a huge bowl and talked and worked everything out. i'm glad he took responsibilty for what he did. I didn't think he would. Right before he picked me up we were talking on the phone and he mentioned something about how he's sick of all my crap too and I though, "here we go". But he didn't mention any of my crap. I was nice. I tried to let things go, but still talk about what needs to happen in our relationship. He hates how I talk so much, but it's a lot of work ad a lot needs to be said. If he would speak up once and a while he wouldn't resent me so much and I wouldn't have to do all the talking. He's getting better. He told me to shut the fuck up twice on Sunday. I needed it. I had a point, but I was getting mad and yelling and he put me in my place. I sulked for a while because I knew he was right. I think things will be just fine. I hope he gets this new job. I'm going to make him call today. I thought it was a for sure thing, but I haven't gotten a call about his job here, and we haven't had a call at home. I can't imagine they found someone better qualified than Erik. He was applying for a position that he had with another place, doing almost the exact same thing. He was great at it. I hope its not his appearence. I know that's illegal, but it's hard to prove if you did go after them. Also, who takes a company to court and then works for them? I just hope he gets this job or the one doing the lumber thing.
I got my home journal yesterday. I thought I'd like that one better, but I don't! I like this one because I can type quicker than I can write and the pens I got to reflect my mood suck ass. Oh well. I think what I want to do is print out my entries and stick them in the other one as to not have things get confusing, but I'm not sure how to print out only a certain date's entries. all I see is every one I ever made. I don't need to print those out everytime. Maybe I'll find out how to do it.
busy, busy by: headymoechick on March 23, 2005, 3:37 pm
I'm working my ass off today!! I barely have time to post at all, now! I guess I can't complain, I'm getting paid, but still. I think I'm doing a lot of stuff Bevin or Andy should do. I still have a bunch of bills to pay and filing to do, and people to beg for money. I really don't have time to do quotes for new jobs or listening to Sara from Howell tell me all the problems at the Kramer Levin jobsite with glass and panels and shit. Don't these people know that I am just the accountant/ receptionist/ cleaning lady/ payroll person? I don't really know what we do or why this goes wrong or that goes wrong. I just do what I'm told.
Boys... I don't get them! by: headymoechick on March 23, 2005, 9:06 pm
Erik and I have not had a car all winter. Every single day I have to try and find a ride home or I walk. Walking home sucks a hell of a lot more than walking to work because I live on a big hill. How is it that Erik would call me up (after getting a ride to and from work, mind you) and ask if I needed a ride home. Of course, you stupid ass! What has changed in the the past few months? Jeez, what has changed since yesterday?! I just don't get it. Then he says, "I know you need a ride home, I meant do you want to try and find one or do you want me to?"
hmm.. let's see here. I'm busting my ass trying to get everything done that needs to be done before I leave and he's sitting on his ass at home. Who has more time to call around? *rolls eyes*
I don't mean to be mean, but use some commom sense.
my poor mouth. by: headymoechick on March 24, 2005, 4:11 pm
I'm starving. I nuked a chicken and cheese chimichanga, but it's too hot. I took a bite and burned my mouth and tounge. I hate that. It will hurt all day now. I couldn't spit it out, as my boss was meeting with some friends about 10 feet away, so I had to hold it in my mouth and do the inward blow.
Always my mouth. I just finally healed the canker sores that I had. Those were bad. It took a long time to heal enough for me to eat solid food and anything with flavor.
enjoying life by: headymoechick on March 24, 2005, 4:46 pm
ah, I'm sitting back and relaxing for now. I had a good morning. I got to sleep in a little bit, I got a ride to work, got super duper stoned this morning and danced to some music with Erik before we came in. I have a good song stuck in my head. My boss's power is totally out in Chicago so I don't have to read any emails, no faxes, and no phone calls unless she uses her cell, which is losing power fast, she said.
I'll have a few hours to mill around, maybe file a little bit. No pressure. I like that.
living the good life!! by: headymoechick on March 24, 2005, 9:37 pm
another day down. I feel great. Since 1 pm (it's almost 4:30 now) i have been paid for doing nothing but driving around listening to music and bullshitting. Job perks can be nice. All I have to do tomorrow is clean and run payroll. I'm bringing music and jamming out!!
Now i'm about to go over to a friend's house ALL BY MYSELF!! Cool. Erik is working some extra hours (also cool)_and I get to show Nate and the crew our pot. It's so nice and yummy. I really wish I had a digital camera so I could brag to the boys in the MJ forum, but alas, I can't. That's ok. I'll get the props over at Nate's house. I wonder who will be there? Anyone? I hope so. People will show up eventually. They always do. Nate has one of those houses that you can always go to and match him on a pipe, and when the ceremony of throwing in what pot you have to share, there's always people mysteriously out of sight until the sparking and smoking begins and then there's a lot more people in the circle!! Oh, well. It's still fun. I don't mind breaking out with anyone. I think it makes me a cool chick! I have some gas. I hope I don't fart or have to shit over there.
I want that shirt that says "girls don't poop".
I got Erik a Kif box and a moe. hoody sweatshirt for a "just beacause" surprise present. I hope he likes them. I think I might tell him they are for our 2 1/2 year anniversary (which is March 29th). I want our car for my anniversay present!! We can legally get it on the road on the 27th, which is a Sunday, and Erik is getting insurance tomorrow, we'll get our plates back early next week, we put it in the shop, we SHOULD have enough money to cover the expenses it will take to get it running nicely, Erik wants to install a CD player so by the end of next week I will be a moblie chica once again! YES!! I can't wait. Hopefully that weekend will be nice so camping isn't a drag. We're going no matter what. I don't care if we get a snowstorm, I'm sleeping in the damn woods!
I hate work a lot sometimes by: headymoechick on March 25, 2005, 4:45 pm
For all the perks I get at work I sure do put up with an equal amount of bullshit. Erik got an hour to go drive to the res and get blazed. I'm stuck here dealing with compliants and phone calls up the ass. I figured thephone would be quiet today, as most people dont' have to work.
Production is all messed up in the factory because our paint guys took it upon themselves to not come in. As much as I don't blame them, it sure does make for a lot of crap for me to put up with. Bevin should have offered a half day or something. But because she was a greedy, selfsih bitch, I'm in a load of crap with the factory people.
I can't beleive Erik had the balls to complain about me wanting him to punch out while he goes and buys cigarettes and smokes pot. I'm telling people he went to church.
I wish he knew how many fucking people have called asking where he is. He better be fucking grateful. I don't get a damn break today.
almost weekend time. by: headymoechick on March 25, 2005, 8:24 pm
I hope this weekend goes well. Work is almost over and done. It was busy as hell for being a holiday! I hope I can leave early today. That would be nice.
I have a shitload on my mind, but not really anything I feel like wrtiting about. I just hope I can leave soon and this weekend goes ok. Whole days that Erik and I fight suck major ass.
Why, oh why? by: headymoechick on March 28, 2005, 1:54 pm
My weekend endedup great. As good as things get. We woke up Saturday morning in a good cuddly mood. We had great sex. We smoked a big 'ol doobie to celebrate Erik getting his new job. TJ called us at about 9 (as usual) and asked us to come over and maybe go fishing or something. He had a shitload of mushroom chocolates!! They were really fat and packed with shrooms. He gave Erik and I a big candy bar that he made to split to tell him of they were ok and to judje how much he could sell them for. They were good quality mushrooms. more intense than i had expected. Lots of symmetrical patterns and light visuals. All we ate was about 1.3 grams each. I was impressed. Some shrooms you need to eat almost a whole 1/8 to get high. I liked those a lot. So at about 10 am we eat these mushrooms and TJ takes us to one of his fishing spots. I get a 6 pack of Coors Light and drink a few. After TJ lost one $6 fish-catching thingy and had to get in freezing cold water to untangle another, and still didn't catch any fish, we went back to his house to chill out. I was coming down and I felt very relaxed, almost sedated. Erik took me home and went back over to hang out with him for a few more hours. I chilled out at home. We took some Kalonopins when Erik came home and passed out. Easter was nice too. We sat back and just enjoyed being able to sit around. We had a good time together. ERik went over to his parents for Easter and I talked to my mom on the phone for a while. Then right before bed, things changed. Erik said something stupid about buying a half ounce of mushrooms to TJ without even asking me first. We need to get our goash darn car on the road. We can legally do it now. All we need is some insurance, get our plates back, and get it into a shop for a tune-up. Why isn't that a priority to Erik. Probably because he just got a job right down the road. Well, I want the car back so we aren't stuck in this horrible town anymore. If we need to get away, we can just get up and drive. Why isn't that imporant to him? Why is it less important than his stupid drugs?
Wait. Now I get why Erik was an asshole to me this morning. He's mad because I won't let him blow 100+ bucks on dry weight mushrooms that he won't be able to sell. That's why he was a jerk and provoked me this morning. Yuck. How childish. Sometimes the things he does and says makes me want to just puke. I don't get it. I woke up in a fine mood. I gave him a hug and asked him to smoke a bowl. And he just spoke with this tone that was so mean and nasty. He sounded like me. But he didn't stop there. He had to keep going. He has to defend to me why it's ok for him to say things that would normally just piss someone off a little bit. He thinks that just because I freak out (because i'm so sick of his passive aggressive attitude I could scream) that he doesn't have to take responsibility for being the one to ruin our morning. I am totally aware that I need to control my temper more. But doesn't he get that it's quite difficult to work on it when he's provoking me? Yes, I understand that I shoudn't flip out like I do. Yes, I understand that I don't react like a normal person at 6-7 am before work. But how am i supposed to act? He admitted a normal person would have only been a little pissed off. Why does he have to piss me off even a little bit? What did i do to deserve it? And then he keeps acting immaturely. He wouldn't call his dad to get me a ride to wrok out of spite. When I found out his dad had already left, he laughed.
i'm so hurt right now I don't even know how to put it into words. I feel like crying, I feel like running away, I feel like cutting. I wish I could show him somehow how much it hurts me when he says those things. In the back part of my mind I think about cutting every time he makes a mean passive aggressive comment. To show him how much it really hurts. No, he's not yelling and screaming, but he's being mean and why does he think what he does is so much better than what I do? It's just as screwed up and crazy. I want to get his attention. I want him to look at me and really be sorry. I want thim to look at me with sympathy for my broken heart. There was nothing in his eyes this morning. They were just cold and dead.
I don't get it. He can make me feel so good. But at what price? He can't stop his thinking that if he doesn something nice one day, and is a jerk the next, that I shouldn't be mad at him being a jerk because he was so nice before. He plays that game day after day. I tell him he's being a jerk and he'll say " so nothing I did for you yesterday meant anything. you don't appreciate anything I do for you. I'm not doing anything for you anymore"
I get that reaction so much. I can't stand it. He REALLY needs to see hwo destructive that is. He holds grudges, he throws things in my face that happened weeks ago, he makes me feel bad for everything I've ever done even when I have literally got down on my knees and asked for his forgivness and cried at his feet. i've asked him to let go of the past so many times. I've asked him to have faith in me. I've asked him to work on himself because some of his actions get in the way of being the girl I'm so desperately trying to bring out. WHY?!!! Why doesn't he listen? Why doesn't he take me seriously?
He rarely notices when I cry now. When he does he doens't do anything to try and make me feel better. Maybe a hug. But there are no more real efforts to lift my spirits when he brings me down anymore. No more little gifts. Mo more I'm sorry/ I love you notes. No more picked flowers. I remember back when we lived on Jefferson St. he walked around for about 1/2 and hour and brought be back a beautiful bouquet to say I'm sorry after a fight. I remember once he drew me a really pretty picture.
He doesn't do hadrly any of the ings he used to when we first started dating. I miss them. It was those little things that really showed he cared. I'll never forget the poem he wrote either. I still have it. Every one of those notes and letters meant the world to me. my heart breaks at the thought that he just doesn't care anymore.
I hurt so bad right now. I want someone to hold me and tell me I'm pretty. I want someone to say how proud they are of me for everything I try to do. I'm not perfect but I want someone to say good job on not cutting anymore or throwing as many tantrums. I wanted to so bad this morning. The worst I did was raise me voice and call Erik pathetic and immature when he refused to call his dad after he said eh would this morning.
I can't go on like this. But, the only thing I can do is go on and hold my head high and hope that this afternoon he will wrap me in his big strong arms and make me feel beautiful and important. This sick, sad feeling in my stomach tells me he'll just do the usual. Nothing special. Nothing to look foreward to. No suprises.
I love him so much. It breaks me heart to know he doesn't care. I even tell him it makes me want to leave, and it does, but he isn't phased. It means nothing. It doesn't scare him. That scares me most of all. he doesn't care if I stay or leave him. I don't know what to do. That thought is really making me cry. I'd be scared to death and try and change everything that I could if it meant losing him. But he doesn't get it. Or he does and doesn't care. I'm not sure which.
All I want is to go home today and have him be there waiting to give me a big hug. Not talk about this talk about this morning. Just talk about the good things about each other. I really REALLY need to hear that I'm important. I don't want to be an attention whore, but I really want to feel important to him. Like he's willing to sacrifice something to be with me. I think he forgets how much I give up for him willingly. I give up being around family. I could be going to school. I could get out of Jamestown. It's not that I resent him for doing all this. I do it because I love him, but I do think about it from time to time when he makes me feel like I'm not a priority in his life.
He tells me not to care so much and the things he says won't hurt or bother me so much. My mom said dad told her the exact same thing. After a while, after dad never worked on himself or tried to make the relationship better, she DID stop caring. She said that was about the time she fell out of love with him. I wish Erik had heard that.
nothing new by: headymoechick on March 28, 2005, 9:54 pm
Well, the day has progressed and I feel much better. Amazing what a few hours without Erik will do. I hope he's not home when i get there. Or if he is I hope he's super duper kiss my ass nice or silent. I don't feel like putting up with any of his crap today.
If he starts up anytime after 5:30 I could go to Ashley's. But I bet things will be ok.
It's funny. My journal here is always filled with bad stuff. The one at home is filled up with great stories and random comments. It's uplifting and positive. I swear, if I were to show a person the two different journals, they would think they came from 2 different people.
It's starting to sprinkle. I have to walk home too. Oh, well. I don't want to, but I figure it will give Erik a reason to feel sorry for me and be nice. It's not that cold. Chilly, but not winter-like cold anymore.
In a few days it's supposed to be really nice. I can't wait for that. If I have the car I'm going to call in "sick" and treat myself to a nice bright sunny day outside.
Doodle doo by: headymoechick on March 29, 2005, 6:09 pm
Today is pretty good. It's our 2 1/2 year anniversary today. Not a big deal, but still something to be proud of. We got up together and smoked a bowl. but honestly, I didn't remember until I got to work.
The day is flying by. I like that. I'm staying pretty busy.
I like Trish. She's cool, like a big sister. I hope I didn't scare her in all the PM's I sent her. I prolly sounded like a stalker! But I really just wanted her to know I care and I want to be her friend. It sounds like she needs someone to count on to listen. And I need a close female friend that WANTS to be close and let each other in. I'm scared for her. I don't want her to take soem of the routes I took. It's so hard to get back on track. I still deal with it everyday. I'have moved past the traumatic event in my life, but how I dealt with it still chains me to this hole I seem to have dug. I don't wish that upon anyone. If I can help, I will. I don't care if she gets mad at me (well, I do care) or thinks what i'm telling her is bull, I won't give up on her. Real friends don't give up. I want to make her beleive in herself and beleive that there are kynd hearted people in the world. She's so strong, yet she doubts herself. I have tons of faith. I hope this is the beginning of a good friendship.
It's sunny!! by: headymoechick on March 29, 2005, 9:27 pm
It's sunny and kinda warm. Well, not warm, but not cold!! YAY!! I'll take it. I'm just waiting for the green flag to get out of here.
Screw staying late today. It's nice out. I actually WANT to walk home!!
March 30th, 2005 by: headymoechick on March 30, 2005, 2:18 pm
Almost 9 already. I think today will fly by as well.
Yuck. Something must be really wrong in my body. My shit STINKS today! whew! Maybe it's the mushrooms I ate last Saturday. Those always seem to fuck with my stomach.
I have tons of energy. Diet pills are wierd. I feel like I'm hungry, I take one bite of something, then i'm full! Can't complain. I'm not spending money on a shitload of food like I did last week. I go through phases of eating a lot, and hardly eating at all. All I had yesterday was a few Dill pickle chips (yum) and a bowl of beef stroganoff.
Erik was the biggest loser yesterday. He makes a mistake and for once I handle it like a cool, mature chick and he mopes the whole damn night. But I guess I don't need to type it all down here. I wrote like, 11 pages in my home journal (front and back) trying to get all my feelings out without making Erik feel worse.
I thought it was supposed to be nice today. It was warmer, but it's still cloudy right now. I want sunshine!!!
I look hot today. I don't care if that's superficial or not. I should be able to express when I think I look good. I'd fuck me!!
These Nestle Tollhouse cookie bars kick ass!! All of them. The cookie kind, the brownie kind, and the peanut butter kind- all taste so good!
I don't want to go home after work. I want to do something outside. I kinda don't want to be around Erik today. I really REALLY want him to do something nice for me to make up for yesterday (and the crappy anniversary we had). I even told him just what I want. How many girls do that? I give him instructions. And I would bet my whole paycheck he won't do it. All I want is a bottle of champagne (a cheap one!) to have with a nice dinner, maybe light a candle or two. But no. Asking one of his friends and "bothering them" makes him uncomfortable. It's more important than me, i guess. :( He said I would do better if I called, but the point is HIM doing something nice for ME.
Whatever. I was an angel yesterday and I will be today and he's going to realize he's not as cool and perfect as he thinks.
I HAVE to remember this. I've been writing it down every time I think about it.
Bitching at him for fucking up will NOT take back what he did, make him feel sorry, or make the situation any better. It will make me grow as an individual if I take things with a light heart and treat him with respect, even when I am disrespected.
nothing special- just life. by: headymoechick on March 31, 2005, 1:40 pm
My morning walk was a really nice one. I watched the sun rise and it felt warm shining on my face before it rose onto some clouds. I seen Dill. He offered me a ride. He had his slut girlfriend with him. I don't want her around. She might be nice and all that, but she has this thing about fucking a big circle of friends and not feeling guilty about moving from one guy to the next, breaking up friendships in her wake. God knows she's too ugly, fat and slutty for Erik to be attracted to her, but I don't even want her around to think she's got a chance. Plus, Dill still hasn't paid us back, and I really don't want him around as a friend right now. He's got a long rime to earn my respect back. Anyway, I was enjoying my walk and I didn't need a ride.
Last night was good. I drank a lot. I have a bit of a hangover, but oh,well. Erik and I split a bottle of champagne. I drank most of it because right after dinner he left to go to Lance's house. Drool face. That's what Erik calls him behind his back. He was smoking patches last night so Erik couldn't tell if he was still shooting lots of dope. i'm sure he's still doing it, but who's knows how much. I stayed home to smoke, kill the bottle of Korbel, and watch Seinfeld. My journal was filled with lots of funny stuff last night.
Yesterday, I did the calm thing again, and it almost ruined the whole night again. Erik is not used to me not yelling and bitching so much. He thinks everytime I try to be nice, it's a trick to make him feel bad. But I talked to him and i made him feel better!! Everything worked out just fine. I'm proud of myself for really taking control and not letting myself throw a big tantrum, or even get that upset. Life is good when it's simple.
I really wish I could post my home journal. It's funnier, it's more lighthearted, it has more of a story. My random thoughts are the best.
Another day here at work. Today, Erik and I are having lunch together. My favorite! LCD buffalo chicken pizza. Only from the LCD on Washington St though. No other store makes it as good. We're also going to get the key made (we lost the other one). As soon as we do that, we can get the car in the shop and drive it!! I think I'm going to pull apart the house to check for the keys one last time. I don't think they ar there, Erik lost them about the same time as we were doing lots of E and kalonopins. but it's worth a shot. AH! It's driving me insane that we have insurance, plates, registration and I still can't drive my car!!!
I hope the sweatshirt I bought for Erik comes in next week. I know he's going to love it!
He loves the kif box I got him too. In fact, THAT is a present we both can enjoy!!
I hope my day goes by quickly. It's only 20 after 8am. The morning is going by a little slow. I should get up and do some work. It might just go by a little quicker! :)
oh, my head... by: headymoechick on March 31, 2005, 4:11 pm
Sometimes I really hate the people on these forums. It should't bother me. It doesn't REALLY bother me, it just gets irritating when you have people pick apart something you post and leave out everything else, comment on it and make you look like a dumbass or feel like a piece of shit. Why can't people get a fucking life? Why do so many people get off on making others feel like crap? I don't need to put anyone down to make myself feel good.
Well, I'm better than that and that makes me feel better already.
I have such a nagging headache. I really want to go home, take a bath, take a K-pin, and go to sleep!!
I should save that k-pin. I will prolly need it more this weekend. :)
I really, really hope it doesn't take long to get our key, or I don't have to put up with more bullshit. The first thing I want to do is just take a long drive (me driving dammit!) around the lake, maybe pack a picnic, bring a bowl or two. *sigh* that sounds so nice. To drive my own car. I'd do crazy things right now just to get it back!!
Hormones or what?? by: headymoechick on March 31, 2005, 4:31 pm
I feel like crying. For no reason at all, tears sting at my eyes right now. I hate that part about me. When I'm trying really hard to control my temper or to be happy, I must push some feelings down instead of out because I always end up in tears.
I have to admit, I like to cry. It feels good. It's a good release. It takes the tension out of my body, which is so much sometimes that it literally HURTS!
I'm a freak.
useless thoughts by: headymoechick on March 31, 2005, 6:27 pm
How come the stress in my brain comes out in my body?! My back hurts, my head hurts, my neck hurts. GRR!! And I lost it earlier. I was bad and let my temper get the best of me. I didn't yell at anyone, I kinda complained to Erik a lot, but I tried to keep my cool. I was so frustrated because Andy locked his key in his car and I needed to go get lunch and get the key to MY car. I want to drive it so bad. It needs to be serviced. I hope it can be done tomorrow. I hope we can just drop it off and by the weekend, it will be done! If I have to wait the whole weekend, I might cry. I have EVERYTHING now! The key, the plates, the insurance, the money to fix it, everything. It just needs to be cleaned up and fixed. I hope it doesn't cost and arm and a leg.
My body hurts so bad. I don't want to go over to TJ's and drink tonight. His parents will be out of town for a week. It's not like this is the only night he'll party. I, personally, don't want to go to a big party. He lives in a nice part of town and I think the cops will be called. No big deal for TJ, but Erik and I are underage and I don't want us to be fucked with by the cops. I think Erik might still have a warrant. I don't know. I know he did the last time I knew. Just because Lance didn't sign a paper or something. But still, I don't want to take the chance. And why can't we do it on Friday? When we might have the car, and more time to hang out. Maybe though, if I agree to do this tonight, I'll get to totally relax and do what I want tomorrow.
I wonder what it is in that chicken wing pizza that makes you shit 15 minutes later. happens every time without fail.
Wow. 1:00 now. Maybe the rest of the afternoon will go by quick. I have lots to do. I need to forget about posting here and just focus on work and me. If I need a break, I'll write more in my journal.
I wonder why no one else on the forums uses the journal option? I always wonder if other people view my journal, but no one ever comments so I doubt it.
1200.00 down the drain b/c a piece of glass is broken. So many stupid mistakes that this company makes that could be avoided.
I shouldn't drink Mountain Dew. It gives me a bad stomachache.
walk to work day? by: headymoechick on March 31, 2005, 10:03 pm
Tomorrow is walk to work day
what a bunch of crap. I walk everyday.
I'm just waiting for my boss to email me so I can leave. It's been a long hard demanding day. tomorrow will be worse. Then on Sat, I come in to clean. I need the hours though. I won't mind cleaning. I can listen to music and not be bothered.
It's raining. Just like I knew it would when I have to walk home.
I hope we all get wiped out by: headymoechick on April 1, 2005, 4:48 pm
I'm very tired of living in babylon. I need an escape. I'm tired of living beside people who are so needy and fast paced and ungrateful.
I am going to write a paper this weekend. I feel like it now, but I have work to do. I want to write a short story about the new american dream and how that alone is my fear and loathing.
I hate heroin by: headymoechick on April 1, 2005, 5:54 pm
Sometimes I think about Lance and I get all choked up. I care a lot more than I let on. I can't let people know. He's not my boyfriend, my brother, my son, or really even my friend. I'm not allowed to talk to him of Courtney is around. I wish he knew, though how much it tears me up inside whenever I think of him getting all doped up. I wish he didn't love that feeling more than life itself. I wish he knew what it looked like from my point of view. I wish I could hug him and cry all over him and tell him how much it hurts to know he is so empty inside that he has to go that far to fill himself up. I want to find some strong beautiful girl to love him and heal his heart. I want him to look around and love life and have that be satisfying enough. I want him to look in the mirror and love the person he sees.
I really cry about it a lot. Here at work, a minute or two in the shower or bathroom, while I walk to work. I dream about finding him running away as I'm walking into work. I find him on the train tracks (I think the tracks are obvious what they signify) he is running along the train tracks. I tell him to stop, come inside and rest. I work as he sleeps at the desk behind the wall where I sit. I wake him at lunch to eat, and to talk. I ask him questions and I can't get an answer. He just cries.
It's an awful dream and I think about it every time I walk into work. I've had it more than once. I almost expect to see him running on the tracks in the morning. I feel bad telling Erik about it, because I don't want him to think that I am attracted to Lance. Most people just say "that's too bad" and "his fuck up" and i've been saying those things too, but in my mind I'm really desperately trying to think of a way to "save" him. I can't. No one can. I know that. I don't want Erik to think I care too much. He's going to die. I really, REALLY don't want to see him die. I couldn't stand it. He's give Erik and I so much opportunity to see the country and have fun. He's been so selfless. Why is he so selfish now? Why is he hurting us like this?
Re: Hormones or what?? by: interval_illusion on April 3, 2005, 11:28 pm
youre not a freak. you're a girl. it's normal :D
hehe i get like that too and it sucks... love ya girl!
Re: Doodle doo by: interval_illusion on April 3, 2005, 11:31 pm
awwwww sweeeetie. that was so sweet. thank you for everything. no you dont sound like a stalker. i really hope we can keep getting better and better friends and help each other thru stuff. i think we can. i only wish you lived closer. i looked it up on mapquest... it's almost 6 hours but i still wanna meet you in the upcoming months! *mwuah!*
April 4th, 2005 by: headymoechick on April 4, 2005, 3:17 pm
I just wiped a booger off the side of my face. I wonder how long it's been there?
The weekend was ok, I suppose. It wasn't bad. There wasn't much to do with the snow falling like it was. 18 inches altogether!! That a LOT for a spring snow storm. Yesterday I had fun. I went over to Nate's house and matched them on a bowl or two. Jake was there. I like to flirt with him. He's so quiet sometimes, I just have to pick on him or ask him a question to make him talk. I think it makes him a little umcomfortable, but hey! He needs to loosen up. Then, as Nate was taking me home, we saw Ashley and Matt digging thier car out of Matt's driveway. Ashley had had a bad day and wanted me to come over and get her high. So I stopped in and seen Erik for a second and went over to Ashley's for a while. It was fun. I bet we'll be seeing a lot of Matt and Ashley b/c I see Ashley at the bank almost every day and Erik and Matt work together.
I went home and coaxed Erik into having sex (he was tired) and tried to fall asleep. This time change is a bunch of crap. It was pitch fucking black when I walked to work this morning. And there was so much snow. All the schools around here are cancelled. I wish work was cancelled for snow.
Actually, today I'm being a busy little bee. I'm not fucking off a lot and i'm calling a lot of people and really getting some work done. I came in this morning early and cleaned up a lot, like Saturday. I hope I can keep my energy up and make the day go by quickly. I also hope that Bevin will let me get my paycheck early so I can get my car on the road with no worries.
work- ARRGHHH by: headymoechick on April 4, 2005, 7:53 pm
My job is so high stress sometimes. Bevin and Andy screaming all the time, me having to do all the dirty work, and turning around and being constantly up my ass and acting like I don't know how to do my job.
I wish I could have videotaped my day. Jaws would drop.
I should make it a TV show. It's definately dramatic enough.
I can't even put into words how unprofessional these people are and how much bullshit I put up with. But after having the life I had, this doesn't seem so bad.
I guess it's good. I will be at ease with my next job. There's no way any other business has this much BS rolling around. Everywhere else, people HAVE to keep track of theier time. If they don't show up, they are fired. If you don't do your job well, you are fired. The boss is the one who talks to screaming PM's after we don't meet a deadline SHE set up. The bosses don't SCREAM at each other like this. So at least I have the fact that I will love my next job going for me. If I can put up with this much BS at a job at 19, I think I'm ok
just, blackness by: headymoechick on April 5, 2005, 12:28 pm
I just feel like dying. I swear it's the only possible solution. My heart is torn into shreds and my body aches from the pain. I wish I were a little girl. I would run away and wait for someone to care enough to come find me. no one would even bother to look for me anymore. I feel so alone. I am crazy. I'm hearing things, seeing things that aren't there. I want to curl up in a ball and take enough of something to sleep for a long time.
And I can't. I'm stuck here at work trying to concentrate. My head feels like it's going to explode. I don't WANT to be strong enough to make it through the day. I want to break down and have some prince charming pick me up and be my hero. I want that person to hold me and make all of my fears go away. I want that person to make me feel special and important and pretty. I want to be desired, worth something.
I don't know what to do. I don't have any clue how to go about my day and work. I hate myself because I'm not strong enough to do it.
Someone please come rescue me.
what I want by: headymoechick on April 5, 2005, 2:06 pm
My relationship with Erik can be so nice. But there are a few things that I really need in a guy that I don't have.
- I need someone to be nice and sympathetic when I'm having a bad day
- I need someone to love all of me and accept who I am
- I need someone to think about what I've been through and help me become a stronger person, without putting a time limit on how long it takes
- I need someone to make me feel important
- I need someone to look at me with desire, sometimes in public
- I need to feel like I'm not an embarrassment in front of his friends
- I need to feel like someone has faith in me
Is this really too much to ask? am I expected too much from another human being?
perking up as much as I can by: headymoechick on April 5, 2005, 7:00 pm
I'm cold. I'm feeling slightly better. My world isn't ending but it sure is changing and its really hard to deal with. Erik doesn't want me to be sad or depressed until he makes his decision, but how can i do that. I have the possibility of him moving out hanging over my head, and every little thing he does that I won't have anymore is going to make me tear up and cry because all I'll be thinking about is how much I'll miss it. But if I act really sad, it will make him want to leave more.
I am really afraid of liking being alone. Erik is a really great guy at heart. He always has the best interests in his mind. Not a lot of guys out there are really that pure. I don't want to end up single again. What if Erik likes being alone. He said he won't and he will probably want to come home the first week, but how do I know? How does he?
my head hurts a lot.
I wish I didn't love him. It wouldn't hurt if I didn't.
WOO HOO!! by: headymoechick on April 8, 2005, 3:03 pm
Finally, things are looking awesome!! It's Friday and the time is going by relatively fast. I am getting my car back this afternoon! Woo! I got to drive it last night. She was a little sick. But she's in the shop today and Erik will be picking me up with it tonight, running smoothly. We've got more in out bank account than ever (not that it's very important, but it brings a secure feeling with it) Erik likes his new job, we both love having our own rooms, we got a GREAT bag of pot last night. I'm super content.
THis weekend will be just what I have been waiting for. Tomorrow, we're going to get up early and go to the gorge. I want to hike for a while and then have a picnic. Then I want to eat either the mushrooms chocolates or the E pills (or both! ha ha!) and start to gather fire wood and set up camp. I LOVE making fires when I'm all fucked up. We can listen to music and dance around the campfire.
Then in the morning when we wake up, we'll smoke a bowl of our good stuff right down by the waterfalls where we always camp. *sigh* that's one of my favorite parts of camping.
Things to remember to bring or buy!!
- a new tent
-some combustible chemical
- batteries for the CD player
- CD's (of course)
- sandwiches, and hot dogs and bread and ketchup and mustard and something sweet
- warm clothing
- a flashlight! (don't forget that one, we don't have one anymore)
um, I can't really think of anyhting else right now
beer! gotta have beer
I'm am so excited!! I can't wait. it's going to be a blast.
on another note... by: headymoechick on April 8, 2005, 3:06 pm
Andy is in the hospital. He is having heart problems. I feel bad for Bevin because she is blaming herself, but honestly, the last thing I want to do is comfort my boss. I think he's ok. He needs to take it easy (maybe give up this business).
I am praying for him.
I feel bad because all I want to do is get out of here and have fun. But, it's the truth, what can I say?
ah, life! by: headymoechick on April 11, 2005, 1:29 pm
My weekend was awesome. It was everything I thought it could be. First, we packed up everything from our house and went to Walmart. We bought camping supplies and headed out to the chautauqua gorge. We set up our tent and got everything ready. I made a bed of pine needles on the wet ground for a fire pit. I gathered a little bit of wood. We took a mushroom chocolate each, and split an E press. We took a hike. After 1/2 an hour I was blown away. I was suprised it came on so fast! We sat down by the river. The water was so high and the current was strong. I was so fucked up. Last weekend the place we camped at got about 35 inches of snow! So even after a week there was still some on the ground. Everywhere around me there was a natural drip effect. I thought everything was just melting into the river. I got afraid that where we were sitting, there was going to be a mudslide and we were going to get washed away into the river. I also got paranoid that a huge tidal wave was going to come around the bend and flood everything. I had to keep looking to make sure we would get out in time!! That was when I was peaking. Other than my paranoia, I felt on top of the world. I was so happy. THe sun was out warming my face, there wasn't a cloud in the sky, the woods were so peaceful. everything was just perfect. We went back to the campsite after we had calmed down a bit and relaxed in our chairs and drank water. I went around and gathered up more fire wood while Erik made some burgers on the propane stove we had bought. I couldn't eat them. I did manage to get a huge pile of wood though!! After that we sat for a few minutes more and we got restless. I wanted to go for a ride. I love riding in a car when i'm rolling or tripping, or in this case, the after effects of both. We went back into town and grabbed the duct tape (the back to our CD player wasn't staying on) and played the messages on our answering machine. Dill said he was going up to the gorge with his girlfriend. Dill still owes us 100 bucks so I wasn't too keen on partying with him. We went over to Owen's house (boy is he cute) and TJ was there. We smoked some pot and Owen gave us 2 kalonopins (yay!). We figured we would ditch Dill (he would probably be there and gone by the time we got back) and go up to the gorge, eat some more E, build a huge fire, take the k-pins when we come down and sleep. We get onto the highway and who else do we pull right up behind? Dill. I say fuck it, this must be a sign. I'm glad I let my guard down because I had such a great time. They set up thier tent and eat some acid (I doubt the quality of it, but I kept that to myself) and they brought a bottle of bacardi. We played some music and bullshitted. Erik and I ate another whole pill of E each. i felt on top of the world again!! We broke into the bottle and between 4 people (there was another guy there too, but he was a little weird and brought his own bottle of rum) the alcohol was gone in about an hour and a half! I was proud of myself! I took quite a few shots and never once did I feel dizzy or sick. The guys went to get another bottle, failed, got beer instead. Kelsey (Dill's girl) and me sat in our tent and smoked some of the weird guy's pot. He never noticed. The fire went out, but because I hadn't planned on being up until 1 or 2 am!! I only got so much fire wood. It got really cold. It was 25 degrees at 2:30!! We set up the propane stove in our tent and everyone came in and sat around and laughed at our drunken fucked up- ness. Erik was hilarious! He took his k-pin early on and combining that and his love for rum made him hte life of the party. He fell on me a few times. It was ok. I didn't mind. I took my k-pin at about 2 and in 45 minutes, I was sloppy and unbalanced myself. I felt quite dumb and heavy. After everyone retired to theri own tents, I stopped getting all the way out to pee. I just unzipped it and leaned back enough to not pee in the tent. Erik passed right out, but I didn't fall asleep until about 3 or 3:30. We woke up at 7 FREEZING our asses off. We started the car and sat in there to warm up and smoked a morning bowl. Erik started the fire up again and me, him, and Dill drank a beer to get rid of the hangover headache. We slowly packed everything up and at about 9 or 10, we drove home. I had a lot of fun. We took a nap and then tried to keep ourselves awake by going to a friend's house, but after an hour we went home and passed out.
So here I am at work Monday morning. Not fully recovered but good enough. It was so worth it. This camping trip goes in the books as one of the most fun.
good job!! by: headymoechick on April 11, 2005, 8:28 pm
I worked really hard today and got so much done. I'm taking the time right now to pat myself on the back.
alright, i'll admit it by: headymoechick on April 13, 2005, 12:42 pm
I can't stand it anymore. I have to confess. I have this dying urge to get attention from another man. I don't even want to really have sex with another guy. I just want soemone else to want me and chase after me. I hate myself for it. I feel like such a slut.
To tell you the truth, it would work just the same if Erik chased after me. If he tried to get me to be attracted to him, if he really chased me. I want him to say things to make me want to be with him and only him forever. I want him to give me reasons to stay.
Why? I know why I should stay with him. I know everything about him and what's attractive and what's not. So why do I have this killer urge to have him point all these things out? Why do I want it so bad?
fun stuff at work by: headymoechick on April 13, 2005, 3:31 pm
It's about 11. I'm going out to lunch soon with Erik. All this morning Bevin was watching some kids. They got into some packing peanuts and I have never seen a bigger mess. It's like magic. You try to vaccuum them up, and they just break into a million more pieces. What a nightmare! It's kinda funny though. At least we aren't working too hard and taking things too seriously.
I can't wait to go out and have lunch. Erik and I don't date too often.
Plus, I'll have an excuse to get out of here for a while!!
Re: ah, life! by: Skoozy on April 14, 2005, 12:41 pm
HeadyMoe Chick, I was noticing we end up on the same forums, so I checked your ournal out. It because you are a younger version of me, you could've been describing one of my trips..
Re: ah, life! by: Skoozy on April 14, 2005, 12:42 pm
HeadyMoe Chick, I was noticing we end up on the same forums, so I checked your journal out. It's because you are a younger version of me, you could've been describing one of my trips..
Re: alright, i'll admit it by: Skoozy on April 14, 2005, 12:47 pm
my fellow Aquarian friend. You water sign you.. You live on the earth but your little cloud had evaporated up in the air again, and you can see the rain comming. And we do this to ourself.. It's normal for a young woman to want male attention.You seem to know you have a decent guy. Is he a Sagitarian or a Pisces by chance? The Pisces need helpin the paying attention to the woman part of you. You said you would be ok wiwth that..
doot do doo by: headymoechick on April 14, 2005, 3:24 pm
today is going by really slow. Erik and I had a huge freaking fight yesterday. I think things are better now.
This morning we smoked a bowl and I gave him crazy head. :) he didn't seem mad at me anymore.
SHIT! I still have to get the car inspected. Don't forget.
I bitch and bitch when Bevin isn't here, but now that she is, I have nothing to do! I might start coming in early, pretend to clean, and leave early when she's here. I feel so awkward sitting here.
I hope we get another bag of nuggies tonight. we're running low.
We're not moving into that house :( But Erik and I are looking into getting another, bigger apartment. Maybe a roomate, maybe not.
I think it's good that we arne't moving there. I wouldn't have wanted to live with TJ and i don't know if I can live with Erik much longer.
I suck. I KNOW it would make our relationship so much better if we lived apart for a while, but after a few years, it's just so weird to think of life that way. It would be a really big, hard change.
I can't think of a title. by: headymoechick on April 18, 2005, 12:21 pm
Well, Erik and I broke up to take a break. It was really hard at first, but everything is really going ok now. I haven't talked to Erik for that long in a few days, because I've been out, so I'm not sure what's he's doing, but I think he's going to move home for a few weeks.
My first few days of freedom have been eveything I could ever imagine. Friday night I went out with a Ashley and we drank a little and smoked over at Nate's. I took a xanax and got so fucked up. It's funny. I remember thinking that when I was starting to get wasted, I wasn't acting foolish so I would be alright, even though I wouldn't remember in the morning. Xanax alays does that to me. And the next day, that thought was one of the few I had left from the noght before. I don't remember who drove me home. I stayed out till like, 2am. Erik was pissed but I didn't care tht much. I"m not his to answer to anymore.
So Saturday, I call Owen and Amber. They ask if I want to hang out. I said yeah, lets get some beers and go do some thing outside, because it was beautiful out. They came over and fed me a mushrooms chocolate!! I was so happy. We walked around for hours around the 100 acre lot and climbed to the sand pit. I was tripping really hard, but it was just amazing. We all sat there just staring at the patterns in the trees and the and sun sinking low into the horizon. I felt like the world, for that moment, was peaceful and perfect.
We went back to thier house and starting drinking more. Amber gave me a ride to my house and I picked up the last E pill from the huge batch I got months ago. We got more beer also. The three of us snorted it and played tetris. A few people popped in, including Erik with TJ at one point, but it was really cool. We decided to eat some Xanax around midnight. I ate one and felt ok. Owen gave me another little chunk later on. We started watching this porn, but Amber fell asleep. So it was Owen and me. Let's just say he made me feel so incredible. He's a very gentle, reassuring, attractive guy. We stayed up until about 6:30am talking and stuff and then crashed in thier bed.
We got up the next day at, like, 4 in the afternoon! I haven't done that in so long. We ordered Chinese and they invited me to just chill out and drink with them again. I figured what the hell and stayed again. We got drunk, ate MORE xanax, and then things got really fun. Wmber and I gave each other backrubs. Then she said she wanted to kiss my legs. It was on from there! We gave each other head and I watched Owen and Amber fuck while I masturbate in front of them. He turned her around and fucked her from behind and she ate me out again. It felt so awesome. We sat around naked after, smoked a bowl, tried to climb into bed to sleep, but I just couldn't help myself. I had to lick her pussy again. So I did and we finally fell asleep. I got up and walked to work.
So that brings my weekend up to date!! This is another for the books!
ok, ok here are the details by: headymoechick on April 18, 2005, 5:04 pm
We all kinda planned on having sex together. It almost happened the first night, but Amber fell asleep. that was ok.
We started watching this porn, and I thought that would get us going. We drank and talked through the whole thing. But a few minutes after, Amber offered me a backrub. It felt so good. It felt more than just a normal back rub. She was carressing my back slowly and running her hands up and down over my skin. I gave her one back and when I was sitting on her back, I started to rock back and forth from rubbingher back and got a little wet. She got up and looked at me and said, I want to kiss your legs. She started near knee and gave light gentle kisses up my thigh. It felt amazing and I was really turned on then. She gave me a little sexy smile and pulled my underwear aside. When she started to lick my pussy, I was in total ecstacy. Her gentle, silky tounge moved over my aroused clit. I got really hot and was about to come and she started sucking my whole twat.
I told her to fuck Owen and let me watch. She pulled him over ot the couch and started to give him head. I sat in the chair and rubbed myself a little bit. They started fucking and I layed down on the floor and fingered myself while they went at it. I loved hearing them moan and gasp. I told him to turn her around so he could fuck her, and she went down on me again. At one point, Owen and Amber orgasmed together and Amber was moaning into my pussy, and I came so hard. After we tried to go to sleep, but I couldn't. I wanted to taste Amber so more. We were in bed and I was stroking her boobs and I gave them lots of sexy little licks. I went down and played with her clit ring. I really got into it and shoved my tounge right inside her little twat. I had come all over my lips by the time I was done. THEN we passed out. :)
well, crap! by: headymoechick on April 19, 2005, 3:16 pm
well, all the stuff I wrote about that I was so happy about means nothing. I hurt him. He was mad and jealous. I had no idea that I would have ever make him angry.
We talked about this and he said it was cool, sexy, and he wouldn't care.
He was there before it happened, said he suspected it would happen, but still didn't say a word until I told him. At first, he was cook with it, and then after a day at work, he thought about it and the first thing that happens when I see him yesterday afternoon, is him screaming in my face telling me that I should have known.
I don't know how I should have known, but he almost convinced me that I should have. I feel really bad. I didn't mean to hurt him. I wouldn't have done it and not had a problem if he was honest.
Is it really too much to ask?
fuck this shit by: headymoechick on April 21, 2005, 12:26 pm
oh, God I just don't know what to do. I'm so confused. I hate being in the middle of all these feelings. I love Erik so much. I want him to be a happy person. I want us to be together so bad and love each other purely. Not tainted. Not like this. I want Erik to cheer up and be happy. And the only way he's going to do that is if I help him through it. I can do that. There's just one problem. I don't want to be in this kind of relarionship right now. The healing, and trying to "fix" what I did. I really really don't want to get into something with Erik and have this held over my head for ther longest time. He won't let it go. I will give him the chance to prove me wrong, but I can't see how after everything he's done, he won't make me feel like shit about it again.
I hate the fact that I really liked being on ym own for awhile. It made me want Erik. But when I did see him, he was such a chaotic mess, that it half ruined all the fun I was having. I couldn't stop thinking about how bad he was feeling and it made me feel guilty.
I don't know what Erik has been telling people, but everyone that I have talked to says that I am doing the right thing. I am so conflicted that I can't even continue to write this because my hands can't keep up with my brain.
ok, panic attack over! by: headymoechick on April 21, 2005, 5:42 pm
funny how the only time I was upset about this whole situation was this morning when i was at work.
It was because I was thinking of getting back together with Erik, just to stop his tantrums. The thing is, I wanted to do this so we could grow and be our own people and get together again. But if he's not ready to take a break, how is that making progress? It's about us.
We had an actual rational talk today. I am going to go home with him tonight and spend some time with him, remind him how much i love him. The deal about him moving out is still on, just not yet. I doubt it will be very long before he is ready. The initial shock is over. And then after that he'll take me out once a week. We will be allowed to date other people if we want, we just won't talk about it to each other. If we see each other hanging out with mutual friends, it'll be cool. It won't be all flowers and butterflies, we will get hurt, jealous, and angry. We're prepared for that. But what keeps us going and not afraid, is the fact that we are sure we will get back together. Will we be together forever and get married? Who the hell knows? But I can at least see us getting back together and spending a few more years havng fun. I like that idea.
another day, another chapter to this f*cked up story by: headymoechick on April 22, 2005, 2:51 pm
Well, good morning! I feel pretty good. Last night I spent with Erik. It was ok. I got drunk and we talked. He is going to be ready to move out soon, i just need to give him some time. I prolly shouldn't have jumped into this head first like I did. I went from having Erik be what my world revolves around, to having my own, pretty damn good life on my own with no regard for him or what he thought. I never intentionally tried to hurt him, that's just the way I am. I wanted to stop being so dramatic and dependant on him. I wanted to grow up and learn some stuff on my own. So I did the opposite of everything I was doing before and it slapped Erik in the face! Honestly, from the way he was before all this happened I didn't think he would give a shit at all. Even he admitted that he didn't know he cared so much.
But anyway, so we sit at Owen and Amber's house for a second, smoke a joint and chat. They went for a walk, and I wanted to go SO bad, but I took the opportunity of having Erik being calm and rational to talk things out. I still am jealous I couldn't go, because the weather is going to be crappy for the whole weekend now, but I'm glad I talked with him.
I just hope everything he said last night, he sticks to. This morning he freaked out again, and I have no idea why. First, we were laying together after I got up (we still don't sleep together and I like that) and he started kissing me and touching me. I said it felt good, but I had a hangover from drinking last night, so I couldn't have sex with him. He must have thought that he could turn me on enough to change my mind, and I didn't. He made another move, and I said no again. My stomach hurt so bad!! The last thing I wanted to do was bounce around. I wasn't rude or offended, I just said no and told him why.
Well, who knows why, but he got mad. He said it wasn't because I wouldn't have sex with him, it was because when he started to touch me I stopped really quick and got up. What the fuck? What else was I supposed to do? Just laying there wasn't enough, I already told him no, gave him a vaild reason, and then got up when he pushed the issue. He can be so weird sometimes.
Then, I ask if he can give me the key (since I was so nice to let him use my car) to warm up the car before work and he can't find it. It's easy to lose, since it's not on a chain, so i didn't think it was a big deal. He started to almost cry and throw things around looking for it, and I was trying so hard to calm him down, and tell him it wasn't a big issue. /he yelled at me for "laughing at him". I was only awkwardly chuckling and saying it was no big deal and to calm down, I wasn't laughing AT him. I was just trying to lighen the issue.
So all before 7 am I pissed him off twice and he was on the verge of a panic attack. I feel REALLY bad for him, I do. But he's so stressful and dramatic. God, seriously, he is acting like I did. He's bahaving in so many ways, that he never has beforem and they are all the behaviors in my life I'm trying to rid myself of. It's really hard to do that when someone else is acting that way. To try and have control over yourself, and watch someone act the way you are tring so hard not to!!
I hate talking to people about this. Everyone has to be tired of hearing about it. In my heart, I want to blab all this over and over (because the past week really has been a repeat of emotions, just in different situations) to someone and have them give me advice. But I can't bring myself to talk about it anymore. No one wants to hear my complaints and every feeling I have running though me.
I hope he feels better by the time lunch rolls around.
wow, its 10:30. My morning is going fast. I love that! I hope my whole day goes fast.
God, I really have some tough decisions to make for this weekend. I want to spend 1 day with him, but I want to go out by myself this weekend too. Maybe we can go out together for a little bit tonight, I can chill out tomorrow, because he works and we'll spend Sunday by ourselves.
If his drama act keeps coming up though, and the tears and freak outs keep happening, even though I'm there, I'm not sure what I'll do. I won't kick him out, but I might leave and hide for a while. Man, that makes me feel like such an awful person, but almost every second in this past week I have seen him, he just talks abou thow hurt he is and cries and I can't take more than a whole week of that. I can't take more than a few hours, actually, but only when it's consecutive like it has been. It just never stops coming out of his mouth. I'm not saying I don't understand and feel bad for him, but it's really conflicting with the things I am trying to accomplish in my own life.
Not good, not good at all by: headymoechick on April 26, 2005, 12:20 pm
So I thought everything was ok again. Why do i keep beleiving him? He puts on htis act and tells me everything is fine, and as soon as things don't go his way, he freaks right the fuck out.
It's totally over between us. I won't take him back. I don't want to talk to him, see him, listen to him beg for me to come back- nothing.
All over somethng so stupid. I was with Owen and Amber and Erik wanted to party with us and a few other friends. I was chilling with Owen and Amber, and when I called Erik, I asked him if he wanted to meet up now, or later at the party. He started saying these nasty things about me not sticking to promises and how I never want to spend time with him (which is the truth, we should be on a break right now). He freaks out and hangs up like a baby. He calls back, apologizes, but ends up yelling at me again because I didn't want to give him any Xanax, that he knew I could find. He hung up a 2nd time. I calmly went home and gave him a few. I tried to talk to him, and tell him it was really not a big deal, it was only a suggestion, yada yada yada. He isn't listening. He's mad. He insults me. I say I'm tired of putting up with that and start to leave.
He attacked me and pinned me to the ground by sitting on my chest. He grabbed a knife and said he was going to cut himself. He said he wanted to hurt himself, and make me watch. He wanted to cut himself and bleed on my face so that the blood would drop like the tears he had. I was so scared. I tried anything I could to get him off and to try and stop him from cutting. He picked me up and threw me into the side of the pull out couch. I have bruises all over my legs and my back from the swings that came after that.
After that it was done. I hid for a while and then a friend came over that had called and rescued me.
did I just write that? by: headymoechick on April 26, 2005, 2:28 pm
hee hee hee, I just read all of that and it doesn't make sense and doesn't sound real!
He was mad just because I suggested we hang out with different friends at first and meet up later.
I feel so fucked up. Vicoden is a good thing to have!
maybe that's why my posts about it don't make sense.
Re: Not good, not good at all by: Curious Mutation on April 26, 2005, 8:54 pm
Having read only the first sentence of your entry it seems to me he is playing you for an occasional piece of ass.
Be wise in your bedding decisions.
too many feelings by: headymoechick on April 27, 2005, 12:09 pm
I feel really mixed up. I don't know what I want. I mean, I do know that I want some things, but those are teh things I can't have.
I am very safe and loved with Owen and Amber. They have made me family. Everyone in the house has made me family. I have fun with them. Sometimes they take my mind off of everything. Sometimes they let me cry on thier shoulders. It's wonderful. I love them, too and I appreciate it so much.
So what's wrong? I miss my place. I miss having a steady boyfriend. I miss a lot of things about Erik. I am having trouble getting Erik to move out. Are those things enough to really get me down? I don't want them to be. I want to be strong and never let this get me down. How can I when I have such a loving group of friends around me.
It's so odd. It happened overnight. I went from having no real friends of my own, to having a whole family!!
So why does everything still bother me? Grr! I hate it! I think, that 2 1/2 years is a long time and it might take a lot more time than I had anticipated to get over him. Even with the anger over him beating me up, a tiny part of me misses him so bad. My heart is breaking. I DID love him, no matter what anyone at this stupid site says. They never saw us.
I think I'm going to talk to him on the phone later. He needs to move out and let me move back in and have my own life.
I think I'm too into drugs by: headymoechick on April 27, 2005, 12:20 pm
I have been using too much
I have been doing lots of drugs
all kinds of drugs
nothing too harmful
but something everyday
I don't feel the need
the drugs just come to me
will they catch up with me
will I crash and burn
I can't lose strength
I'll fail my mission
I have to consume to keep going.
There's always light at the end of the tunnel by: headymoechick on April 28, 2005, 5:56 pm
haha. I worry too much. My lack of sleep was getting to me yesterday. I'm not doing too many drugs. I'm not doing many at all, I've just been doing them every day!!
Which isn't all that good, but I'm not really unhealthy or feel liek I need anything at this point. I bet if I kept drinking and popping pills everynight for the next week, I'd have a problem.
I'll just smoke pot tonight. I'm moving back home and I'll be there all by myself!! YAY!! I can't wait. And tomorrow I'm having a little house warming party with all my friends. It's nice to know I have a place of my own again. I love Owen and Amber, but I don't really like living on their couch. I mean, come on. I don't care how nice and awesome people are- I'd rather crash on my bed than anyone's couch night after night.
So I'm doing great! I feel good and confidant. I'm having fun. I'm getting exactly what I wanted from this experience.
My first night at home. by: headymoechick on April 29, 2005, 11:40 am
aaahhh... I feel so good. I slept in my own bed last night and it felt incredible!! Owen and Amber came over and watched stoner movies with me and drank beer until midnight and I crashed after that. It took a long time to get Erik to leave yesterday. I got scared after Owen left the first time. But everything turned out fine. It was so nice to look around and be totally at peace with everything.
Today, I can't wait to get out of here and shower and bathe at home! I'll munch on some food and I want to party and get really fucked up!
I bought a few cheap things of makeup yesterday. I feel really pretty with it on. It makes my eyes look nice.
I hope people want to come over sometimes. I know it's easier for me to go across town, but hopefully it will be worth it to somebody! ;)
It just keeps getting worse by: headymoechick on April 29, 2005, 12:47 pm
Just when I think I am on the right path and things are ok, my whole world comes crashing down again.
Erik called me this morning from MY house and freaked out. He was yelling and crying and punching the wall. I had to leave work to go try and calm him down. I couldn't get him to chill out so I ended up in a physical battle with him to get him out of my house.
I am really scared now. What happens if he just shows up one night, and hurts me?
I don't know if i can do this by: headymoechick on April 29, 2005, 2:08 pm
somebody please make it stop. I want it to all go away. I don't want to do this anymore. Erik is driving me crazy! I want to go home and feel safe. I am so anxious right now. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him to hurt himself. I hate it when he says he's going to kill himself. I don't know what to do. I want to cry and scream and throw things and get all the frustration out.
I can't take him back right now. He's so unstable. I would hate him and treat him horribly if I took him back. But I can't just leave him to freak out at his parents.
I really don't think it's that bad at his mom's house. I think he's just being stubborn and immature. I think he refuses to be happy until I take him back. I can't take that kind of pressure!! Why does he need me to complete him? Can't he learn to be his own person?
If it is really bad there, he should confront his mom or dad, or both and speak up. Make them listen. If they don't and refuse to stop making him feel childish, he should get a small place of his own.
I really do care and love him, but when he does this crazy stuff, I don't want to be anywhere near him. I think about not getting back together with him, and that scares the shit out of me, but not any more than the fear I have being with him. When he goes nuts, I get so afraid.
I have good reason! for god's sake, the only way to get him out of my house earlier without him being destructive, was by placing a hand around his throat. No words or hugs or amount of love and compassion helped. I tried so hard. I tried to calm him down and be nice. But then I just couldn't deal with it anymore. He was punching the door and wall and being really violent.
I am striving so hard to rid the stress from my life and I am creating more. What do I do? Do I take him back to stop the tantrums? Would they actually stop if I told him he can come home? I'd be willing to do anything to stop being scared. I don't want to cry and hurt over him anymore. I just want to be happy. If that means being alone, then that's fine with me!! I'd rather be alone than with someone that makes me feel so awful.
I try so hard everyday to pick my head up and go about my day and my life. It would be so easy to sink down and cry and feel sorry for myself. The guy I love isn't himself anymore and I miss him. I miss my lover and my friend. I could easily go crazy right now. My skin crawls from wanting to be cut. But I don't cry or cut or yell or scream. I work. I talk. I try to laugh and smile. Why do anything else? Nothing else is productive. Nothing else is healthy.
He makes me feel guilty for being mature. He wants me to freak out and when I do, he calms down. He really likes it when I break down and show him how much he's hurting me. I wish if he wanted me to show that I care, the hugs and kisses would be enough. Me running from work to make sure he's ok wasn't even appreciated. He likes to hurt me. Why? What did I do to deserve that? I try to be such a sweet, fun girl. I am so tired of hurting.
somebody please make it stop. I can't deal anymore. I'm breaking down. I'm losing strength. I need a hand to pick me up and keep me going. That's it. I just need some help.
shut the fuck up! by: headymoechick on May 2, 2005, 3:32 pm
I wish people here knew what the difference was between asking me to do my job and asking me to be a personal assistant.
sometimes you just don't have a title by: headymoechick on May 3, 2005, 11:40 am
Yuck. My stomach feels like shit. I really need to knock off this drinking and pill popping habit. I was up until after midnight last night. I really should find some sort of motivation to stay home and clean and rest.
I'm so glad things are going well with Erik again. It really makes me smile. He finally is on the right track- not just faking it. That takes such a weight off my shoulders knowing that we are both ok with spending some time apart and trying it again when we are ready.
I really don't have much to say this morning. Not much is going on. I should call my mom in an hour or so.
sorry by: joker on May 8, 2005, 5:41 am
I jsut want to say sorry about how things have been going for you. I know you don't know me, but I just wanted to tell you feel free to pm if you need someone to talk to. I have loads of problems too. Hope things get better for you.
Cool by: Michael on May 11, 2005, 10:11 pm
Maybe I didn't like to hear
But I still can't believe Speed Racer is dead
So then I thought I'd make some plans
But fire thought she'd really rather be water instead
And Heady got a message for me from Jesus
And I've heard every word that you have said
And I know I have been driven like the snow
But this is Cooling faster than I can
So then Love walked up to Like
Said "I know that you don't like me much. Let's go for a ride."
This ocean is wrapped around that pineapple tree
And is your place in heaven worth giving up these kisses?
This is Cooling
Re: sometimes you just don't have a title by: lakshen on June 20, 2005, 2:53 pm
Just got in here, don't know how... So I thought that I might as well drop a comment...
Yeah, it's great that things are working out between you, allways makes everything so much easier to handle... And you probably should try to stop or atleast cut down on the pill popping :) Be good to yourself, you deserve it...
hey mama by: gruvenmama420 on July 2, 2005, 5:59 am
i knwo you dont know me but i read a few of your entries and it seems like you gotta watch out for Erik...i used to have a really abusive boyfriend who made me so insane they put me in a mental facility. men take their anger out on their partners alot and i was only 13 at the time, but i think since you are mature you can now realize when he goes too far...you need to talk to him about it and be a strong woman.
Re: sometimes you just don't have a title by: mystical_shroom on July 3, 2005, 4:16 pm
heady, im a little disappointed in you that you are back with erik.. i mean, if someone beat me and treated me the way he did, there is no way in hell id be with him...
im sorry to say this, but i have to tell the truth and not say im happy for you when im not cause of how he hurt you..
all im saying is, you went through so much to get away from him and he made your life hell, and now you are back with him...
just be careful...
It's been a while!! by: headymoechick on July 27, 2005, 3:13 pm
So where to start...
I'm still working at the same place. It's ok. we hired a new person to push sales and it's been productive so far. I'm trying to act more interested, but it's hard. I just want to do my paperwork and be left alone. I thought I would have gotten a raise by now.
I recently got my car fixed so I've been going out a lot. Just to the lake and the woods, but it's been a big relief. I can't stand being trapped in a crappy apartment with no escape with Erik. He really doesn't like being cooped up with me either.
I really like how my hair looks. I've never felt more beautiful when I look in the mirror. Unfortunately, most of my friends want nothing to do with me now. How shitty.
Last weekend when I went camping, we ended up camping next to Blaine's sister. It was like fate or something. She told us that Blaine had been cremated and his ashes were spread around the garden near thier pond. I'm so glad. It's where he belongs. Sometime this week we're going to go up there and I'm going to have a beer with him. I miss him a lot. He was my best friend. I found out that the guy who parked the truck that killed him didn't even have a license. Even though no amount of money will bring him back, the family is suing for wrongful death. His son deserves to be compensated. Austin is almost 6 now. Nothing should stand in his way, right?
His scum bum mother is countersuing. Blaine had a good life insurace policy. Lindsey took money to buy herself a new SUV. After that, Blaine's dad went to court because he is the beneficiary of the money, and he should decide how it is dispersed. Every cent he has spent has gone for things for Austin. But Lindsey says because she has custody, she should also get all of the life insurance money, and she's also interfering with the wrongful death suit.
It makes me so angry. sometimes I think about raising Austin myself.
that's about as deep and interesting as things are right now.
age sucks by: headymoechick on July 27, 2005, 8:22 pm
I can't stand being 19. I really can't. I've been on my own for 3 years now. Most people are mature enough to do that at 18. I should be granted permission to drink legally.
I mean, it's not alcohol that I really need. It's friends.
I just can't bring myself to hang out with high schoolers or people fresh out of high school. a good majority are so immature. not all, but most.
So where do I go to meet people and have fun? I wish I could go to a nice club or resturaunt and just sit at the bar. At taco hut, if you sit at teh bar you're guaranteed to make cool friends!! It's not fair.
So i can't go out and drink. fine. What else is there to do? Teen hip hop night at the crusty snail ( what we call the local dirty bar) and the christain coffee shop. Just wonderful.
the only girl I tried to make friends with recently like me for more than just my appearance, but she's obsessed with hers! She wants me to go to the gym and excercise. I'd love to, but it's kinda odd how she has her life revolve around things that are superficial. I asked her what else she does out of work. "oh well... I tan and excersice. that's about it"
she's nice but she doesn't smoke or drink or anything. I feel bad because I don't want to discriminate just because she chooses to stay sober. It's just hard for me to relate. She won't go anywhere that people might be getting fucked up. No concerts, no parties, not even our house because we smoke there.
I wish I could meet a girl woth more in common.
Jim died by: headymoechick on July 28, 2005, 2:47 pm
Jim overdosed on heroin last night. Lance and courtey were driving up to Darien Lake. They were supposed to meet him at the show, but when he called his phone, his parents answered and told him. they sounded scared, so he didn't keep them on the phone.
I feel bad for his friends and family. He's got a 12 year old son.
I wonder how much he did. I've seen him do so much I thought I was going to watch him die. How much did it take to bring him down? I wonder if it hurt.
I'm not crying or surprised, (how could anyone be shocked) but I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach
Re: Jim died by: Skidrow Eddie on July 28, 2005, 10:35 pm
Who the hell gives a shit about a worthy goddamned junkie killing himself on something any intelligent self respecting person wouldn't touch!
And besides the mother fucker would have more than likely ripped off his own fucking mother if given half a chance!
I say good! At least now his kid doesen't have to be influenced by the worthless fucker!
Re: I don't know if i can do this by: wilddreamer on July 28, 2005, 11:43 pm
Hey i don't know what your real name is but anyway i live in australia and i seen this posting i hope you are feeling better now and if you need to speak to anyone jusy post or email me and we can chat i am a good listener and know what you going through i was there myself ...
the balls in your court now if you need to talk my e-mial IS BROOKE.MATHEWS@ZURICH.COM.AU or DUSTYSMILES_100@YAHOO.COM
Re: Hormones or what?? by: wilddreamer on July 29, 2005, 12:54 am
I LIKE TO CRY AS WELL and you know you wrote before i wounder wether anyone reads the journels well this is the first time i have and i am going to start writing in the jornals i didn't even know it was an option but i like to cry it is a release and it does fell good i'll be in the most drepressing moods and then i have a big cry and i am in a better mood then i have been in a while it's wierd hey oh well sweetie blunt on :)
Re: oh, my head... by: wilddreamer on July 29, 2005, 12:57 am
Hey i know what you mean don't take nay notice i think alot of them are drop kicks and they really only care about hurting people to make there problems look less intense if they make someone else feel the way they are i think it's sad don't take any notice of them you don't need to worry about anyone else we have our own problems :)
Re: Jim died by: peacelovebarefeet on July 29, 2005, 6:16 am
hey, you need to shut your mouth.... some of the nicest people ive met are junkies, but who the fuck cares?! what they want to do with THEIR body is THEIR choice, NOT YOURS.
headymoechick, im sorry to hear about your friend... ive had a couple of friend OD and it feels the same every time-shitty.
and by the way... i'd be your friend... it seems like we would get along... i have problems befriending girls... even though i am one...
Re: Jim died by: Skidrow Eddie on July 30, 2005, 4:04 pm
As far as I'm concerned whenever a junkie self destructs it's in the best interest of people like those who exist in the mountainous regions of places like West Palopilopilus where as a result of the legilization of conceiled knives we can work the mother fuckin' third shift without worrying about wether or not the wife is blowin' the godammned meth head next door or screwin' the fuckin' junkie across the road.
Re: Jim died by: Skidrow Eddie on August 18, 2005, 11:29 pm
Some of the stinkiest bastards I've ever seen in the gutter are junked out blue tongued crawlers!
Re: Jim died by: jonsworld on August 23, 2005, 7:09 am
hey heady, sorry about your friend , i fel for you i found my friend dead from an overdose, it was a sad day for me too, but just like you i knew it was comming so i wasnt as shocked as everyone else. dont listen to the haters,they have thiers comming . again sorry for your lose, jon
Re: Jim died by: Skidrow Eddie on August 23, 2005, 6:52 pm
The junkie scum and the little pussy were not friends. In reality they were mortal enemies capable of stabbing one other in the back at a moments notice.
Perhaps she sucked his dick on occasion in exchange for a crack rock or a shot of morphine injected in the veins nearest her vaginal lips.
Please do not confuse friendship with gutter neccessity.
Re: Jim died by: Skidrow Eddie on August 23, 2005, 6:54 pm
Many degenerates enjoy stringing cute little girls on hard drugs in order to turn their asses out into the streets for the purpose of prostitution or low level pornography involving oral sex with German Sheppard dogs!
Re: age sucks by: peacelovebarefeet on August 27, 2005, 5:31 am
hey, i know exactly how you feel... not QUITE the same situation, but close. i'm 16, but i've experienced things, experienced life much more than these other people at my high school.... sometimes i wish i could be that giggly girly-girl, but damn, i <3 my fucked up hair, and everyone else hates it!
it gets hard, but mama, keep that chin up.... at least we arent bimbos!
Re: age sucks by: aztech on September 2, 2005, 7:06 am
i so know what you mean! im having such difficulties finding friends interested in alternative things or life itself, things im interested in! the only kinda sorta friends i can find are 30 yr old guys! bah humbug its frustrating, its so hard to know where to look, or to reach out to ppl, im horrible at making friends personally...so, i hope the friend hunt goes well for both of us! sorry to rant at you :)....
Re: Jim died by: Skidrow Eddie on September 12, 2005, 7:25 pm
I would have to assume that this lost little bitch is turning tricks on the streets and back alleys of Las Vegas at this time.
$10.00 blow jobs for dope money and vagina for $15.00!
Not a bad deal if your a horny pig without concern for the safety of your cock rotting off and falling down the toilet.
Re: Jim died by: Skidrow Eddie on October 25, 2005, 6:58 pm
Hey everybody I just saw Head Job Chick on Santa Monica Blvd turning tricks for $10.00!
If The Little Bitch Ain't Gonna Use This Journal No More I Think I Will Instead! by: Skidrow Eddie on November 19, 2005, 5:16 pm
The way I see it the little bitch must be screwing crack heads in Toledo or maybe turning tricks with her butthole in Indianapolis so I may as well just take this here damn journal and make it my own since the little cunt don't seem to be usin' it no more.
It the event the drunken little skank has passed on or perhaps fell in front of oncoming traffic while plastered out of her wits. The only thing I can say is sayonara, good riddance and see ya in hell!
Re: Jim died by: Skidrow Eddie on November 19, 2005, 5:21 pm
Years ago when I was travelin' by two wheel bicycle while passing through Kansas City Missouri durin' a fucking 100 degree plus hot spell I needed to find me some fuckin' water and I needed to find it fast before the heat of a late afternoon summer sun cooked my noodle raw.
Eventually I found me a water hose along side a church and started soaking my head until it felt nice and cool. It was just when I started fillin' me up a plastic milk jug for the road and old drunken priest who looked like a queer poked his fuckin' head out the side door of the church and gave me hell for helpin' myself to the water spicket.
I said fuck you father! God helps those who helps themselves you ass fuckin' old queen!
hi im kelli by: kelli hunt on April 10, 2006, 4:48 am
i want to be your friend...