dont call me ash.

I recall thinking I was a new life

seeing the sky now clear of smoke

feeling like it had been a nightmare

that had now passed



For the time dazed into innocence

too blank to wonder where I was

or to remember that the last thing i knew

was that I was going to die

a painful coward's death



The world was me, the blue above and a wisp of cloud

then pain crept into this world

first in my legs, as a numb sort of sting

I couldn’t power my body to lift my head and look

when I tried, more pain

in my back and chest

then worse, my mind brought back what had happened



I saw it again, and I felt the heat

an inferno that took away all senses guidance

the dark smoke and the roar

i had panicked and lost my way

fallen to the fire and lay dieing



Why then did I see

the dead don’t see

i felt now like a broken toy

no control of my destiny

not a thought in my head I could control

so I left them to argue while I watched



It was me

I started it

it was a mistake

I destroyed

everything

How could

I

be so

foolish



My head lifted

I thought it had just now

gotten its signal to rise

that I had tried a minute ago

It was without effort



The sound of loud wind stopped

though I hadn’t felt any wind

fingers snapped before my face

a voice spoke

a compassionate voice

A local accent

Come on boy be alive, please



As if I just noticed that I were not trying

I breathed and i could see real again

and I noticed why

it had held back the pain

first numbness rang through me

then my body parts put in their complaints



I felt I could speak

I think I’m gonna be ok

I couldn’t see this voices face

yeh you're gonna be fine man

I like the rhythm and espically the analogy to a broken toy. The way the poem switches from calm to hell-like environment to heaven-like environment remindes me of The Divine Comedy.

thanks, but why the frown?

Sorry, it was supposed to be a thumbs up, I edited it.

I like the narrative, but the spelling mistakes, small 'i's and missing apostrophe are distracting in my opinion.

is that better?

Yes.


This is an interesting narrative. there are some turns of phrase that are very effective. I like the last line slipping into dialogue.

I still don't like the small 'i's -- but that's just me

(coward[']s)

thanks, i guess i missed some errors, how about now? hehe.