No passion

I have been with my girl going on 12 years. At first the sex was great. She use to be very sexual and so was I. I have tried very hard to keep the flame alive with us because if I'm not sexually into someone I can't stay with them very long. I meet her when I was 18 and she was 25.

She brought the idea of swinging up about 6 years ago. That really brought on the passion for us.It opened door i would have never brought up with her if she had not went there.

Slowly that died out too and ended up only being fantasy. I was ok with that . I just wanted her to play the game of dirty talk and role playing. We did this for a while and it was great.

Slowly that died out also. We went from sex 5 times a week to 2 times a month now. Now all the fantasy is gone and so is the passion. Now I'm 29 and she 37. We have three kids too.

I have tried to bring up new ideas to see if it interested her.

I tried studying karma sutra to bring us closer together with her. She said not enough time.

She complains about house chores and kids , so I tried to get her too look at female led relationships. I could help more with cleaning and she could help keep the passion alive with a little role playing. She said it's too much work.

I have tried to get stories , movies what ever i can find to keep us going.

I thought maybe she wasn't attracted to me as she was and wanted something new.

I brought up cuckolding which would allow her new verity and was close to the swinging we once talked about. She kinda acted interested but that has died out too.

She has become more religious than she was when we got together. Now all the kinky stuff has died completely. I am losing interest in even having sex with her at all now. I would rather pleasure myself than to be with her. I still try though. I just get tired of me always being the one to instigate and perpetuate our sex lives.

She was more open when we were first together than she is now. I only see us splitting up , i'm only 29. I still enjoy sex. I'm tired any help?

Hmmm well I can't speak from experience because I haven't been in your situation before. But perhaps I can throw a few suggestions out for you.

1. If you still love her, I hope you do, take her out and do something that you guys used to do during the "good times", to try to rekindle the flame. Do this without the intent to have sex, but to establish and reinforce what your relationship means. Perhaps you should do this at one of the 2 times a month thing where she's open and then just kinda 'surprise' her with a romantic gesture. (Doesn't have to be a fancy dinner mind you, it could be something as sweet as breakfast in bed on a weekend morning when the kids are taken off your hands. But yeah learn to cook.)

How old are the kids you guys have? If they are little, I recommend asking the grandparents or a trusted baby sitter to watch them. Your going to have to get her to wind down because it sounds like she feels anxious all the time about life in general.

2. If your kids are little see if they are interested in 'a plan to cheer mommy up' and have them draw pictures or something sweet. (Warning don't give them markers, crayons, erasers or anything swallowable if they are the type to draw on the walls or put things in their mouths)

3. Also don't overdo it with trying to woo her into 'getting in the mood' direct approaches probably get annoying after a while from her perspective especially if the reason for her lowered libido is hormonal related. (is her sex drive down due to any medications she's taking or has taken? If so consult your Doctor)

you're 29, she's 37. that adds to some weight. i'm 28 and i don't see myself in a relationship with someone who only wants to have sex twice a month. sorry. that just won't work. it's your life and you gotta make a decision.

You have been together 12 years. You are in the same boat as the majority of people in relationships for more then 10 years. Of course everyone is different, but sexual passion tends to die after a while in long term relationships. You seem to be on the right track with trying to do things. Especially with kids and lives and stuff I have often heard women (who are on the opposite side of your problem) say that by the end of a long day of whatever it is they do (keeping up with life and kids etc) that they simply do not have the energy to enjoy having sex the same way before going to bed as they have for a while.

Typically the advice I have seen been given is to (if you want to for her and feel you are able) try taking on more of her tasks on a daily basis (You were on the right track taking on more of her cleaning and such), as well as trying to be a little more flirtatious and spontaneous. Jump her in shower or something, or even doing something as simple as planning a day date when the kids wont be around for you do have the house to yourself might work. If your always trying to make it happen when you wake up or before bed, then I could understand why she might not be that interested. Plan it so that you can get her when she is at the peak of her regular levels of energy through the day.

We go through cold spells too. I usually don't desire him sexually if I feel he is being dishonest, selfish, lazy, childish, etc. I also remind him that begging for sex doesn't turn me on.

When I feel connected with him, and I feel that we are honest and supportive with eachother, I desire him more.

Women's sexuality is often governed by our mental and emotional well-being and I think men have a hard time understanding that we can't always just flip a switch and turn it on. If I can't get turned on, I can't enjoy sex, I mean at all. And I expect I'm not a very enjoyable sexual partner if I'm not enjoying the sex at all.

The point? There is probably something mental/emotional that is literally Preventing her from being sexual.

I purposely don't ask for sex from her. I let it be when she wants it. I am just getting tired of the vanilla sex we do have. Plus the fact it is not frequently. I'm starting to really think age is starting to come into play. Not sure what to do.

Originally Posted by ur2loversnlv

I purposely don't ask for sex from her. I let it be when she wants it. I am just getting tired of the vanilla sex we do have. Plus the fact it is not frequently. I'm starting to really think age is starting to come into play. Not sure what to do.

That's exactly what I dislike of women when they have no more sex drive. They start complaining about us men that we don't help around the house and invent any possible excuse no to have sex. You either have desire to have sex or have no desire to have sex anymore with your partner. After a while sex is not important for majority of women. Once they become moms or some other big thing for them in their life; sex is not a priority for them. My advice to you is: Go somewhere else and this time look for someone younger and with longer sex drive life. Don't beg or pay for for sex. There are millions of needy women out there. Just look for one that is your fit and be discreet about it.

I do agree with they use the house work as a excuse. I even went as far as telling her I would change power roles with her just to see what would happen. I would brotha the sub and do house work and what ever she wanted. I figured if it changed then she was right. Well then she came up with that the dom and sub thing was too much work. She is naturally submissive she says. I think its the age thing. We have children its not like I'm just gonna throw that away. But I will not do this forever. Kids will be all out in 10 years. It just seems like a prison sentence more than a sexual relationship. She in the last couple years has gotten more religious too. It has really gone down since then. Maybe that's it too?

One thing I don't understand though is how religion lowers sex drive...especially between married couples. From a literal perspective, the bible encourages married couples to have sex and to be one flesh in many verses. The only thing I see religion saying no to is bringing someone outside of the marriage to play around with the wife and/or the husband. But other than that religion shouldn't interfere between a wife and husband's sex life.

Run.