cheating

Hi, Ive been with my partner for 10 years in a monogamous relationship. He recently dropped a massive bomb shell on me when he told me not only that he has cheated by having casual anonymous sex with 3 different people over a 2 week period but that he has contracted syphilis!!! I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I thought I would awaken from a nightmare at any moment.
So I had to go have various tests done and also have shots for syphilis just in case.
He has admitted that he fucked up and is deeply remorseful however I have no idea how to move forward. If he had told me immediately after he cheated so that I could make decisions about whether I wanted to have sex again or about taking precautions I would have had a lot more respect for his honesty but he didn't. Instead he kept it secret for 3 months and continued having "unprotected" sex with me! I told him from the very beginning that if he slips up its ok but he must tell me. I feel that the only reason he told me is because he had to because of the syphilis.
I haven't left as I only found out 2 days ago. I have decided to stay for the time being but to not have sex. We are seeking counselling also. He has said that he doesn't want it to end and I don't either. I love him very much but I have no idea how I will ever trust him or anyone for that matter ever again. Im kind of numb at the moment like when someone dies and you feel like you should feel something but you don't. Maybe I'm in shock. Im glad that it wasn't an actual affair with emotional involvement but even still I feel deeply betrayed. What if he had contracted HIV!! This is all so fucked and I feel so naive.

Never go raw again. If it was me I would stay but start cheating till I found someone else to be with then ide dip

I've been in a fairly steady relationship with someone for going on 6 years. But we've both had our flings but he was more successful. Though they were shots at hetereosexuality since we are young and want experience I still couldn't help but feel jealousy. Well we split up a couple times for short periods like a month maybe two and it gave me time to reflect on how much I care about us and get him back. Lately things feel better than ever. Hopefully you can get through without splitting up, but only time can reveal your true feelings.

Originally Posted by Puddingtame

I've been in a fairly steady relationship with someone for going on 6 years. But we've both had our flings but he was more successful. Though they were shots at hetereosexuality since we are young and want experience I still couldn't help but feel jealousy. Well we split up a couple times for short periods like a month maybe two and it gave me time to reflect on how much I care about us and get him back. Lately things feel better than ever. Hopefully you can get through without splitting up, but only time can reveal your true feelings.

But did you tell each other about the flings? Its not the infidelity Im worried about its the dishonesty. Its just so selfish, I cant believe that he would put me at risk in this way.

Originally Posted by dark suger

Never go raw again. If it was me I would stay but start cheating till I found someone else to be with then ide dip

Not helpful

Originally Posted by bukulu

What if he had contracted HIV!!

That's horrible, what nightmares are made of! I used to tell my partner, "I CAN'T AFFORD IT (getting sick)..." And HIV is not the only disease to ruin your life.

Originally Posted by bukulu

But did you tell each other about the flings? Its not the infidelity Im worried about its the dishonesty. Its just so selfish, I cant believe that he would put me at risk in this way.

Exactly.

did you ask him if he only told you because he contracted an STD?

Originally Posted by meridianwest

did you ask him if he only told you because he contracted an STD?

Yes I did and he basically said yes but he was going to tell me at some stage. This is the hardest part for me to cope with.

yeah it would be for me too. especially since you had told him in the beginning of the relationship that you would understand a slip but you just wanted him to be honest with you. and still he wasn't. this is the twisted part of it. and honestly, i don't know how you can ever trust someone like that not to go behind your back in hopes of never getting caught again. the fact that he admits he fucked up doesn't translate into him never pulling this shit again in the future. and him having sex without a condom is just moronic, not to mention completely uncaring of what happens to you.

i know guys like this guy, (never had a 1st hand experience like this though, so i'm not talking from experience), and a lot of them are not capable of being faithful, and most of them are flat out insincere about their cheating. they will look plain in the eye of their partner and lie about it. when the partner finds out they act all remorseful (and for all intents and purposes they are) and feeling sorry, but they are highly unlikely to change their behavior and will continue to lie about it. i don't know if your partner is like that, you're the one to assess him from that angle. if this thing continues though, mainly if LYING continues like this, i would say he's not worth the trouble. but it's your relationship, and you have to make your own decisions.

maybe give him another chance this time, but if it happens again, don't let yourself be led on by situational honesty.