relationship with a survivor

hey

i don't know why i am writing this. it's in the middle of the night and all i can think of is my relationship with my girlfriend, my first girlfriend.
she's a victim of sexual child abuse and she has a lot of difficulties because of that. I am 25 and she is 26 years old and this is our first relationship. We met onlie and at first I was so much in love with her. We met and zoom we were together. It is a log distance relatioship which doesn't make it easier for us.
I visit her as often as I can but she always seems to be so self contained in her box....we are together for 6 months now ad we haven't even kissed. when i touch her i get the feeling that she is a million miles away...and i don't even touch her in "dangerous" parts and even when I call her she does other things while we are talking.
I know that this behavior is typical for survivors. The bad thing is that she doesn't want to talk about the problems we have because of this. She doesn't want me to read about child abuse, either, which makes it even harder for me to talk to her about that issue.
Don't get me wrong, and i have never thought that i would ever write something like that.
But this is my first relationship ever and I want to experience love, nearness and, yes, sex. Sometimes our relationship feels like a normal friendship because she would never touch me, never tell me any compliments, never let me feel that I am special for her....I know this sounds ridiculous, but she is a huge fan of an actress and she can talk about her for hours, which really hurts me and gives me a hard time, which she cannot understand. She says that it is just a star and she admires her. She has posters of this actess all over her place... And I feel left out of course...I wanna be her "only" one...
And to be honest, I feel the love for her vanishing....I am ashamed to admit that but that's the way it is... :-(

Sometimes I don't know whether she is with me because she loves me or whether she is save from me because we live 800 km away from each other and she still has a "girlfriend"

I know this may sound quite selfish, because i listed my feeligs, and I know that she feels bad about the situation as well. Don't get me wrong I don't wanna blame her for anything, but I cannot control my feelings...

A part of me wants to break up with her, because I wanna live and have a relationship where I can experience love and physical contact. but it would be so hard to break up with her because i still like/love her. but i don't know whether I could do it because this is her first relationship as well and I am well aware that I would scar her in a way. She has never experienced true love before...not even from her mother. So she told me that she has the feeling that she would end up being alone. She lost faith in love, i guess.
but on the other hand I wanna be with her

I know it's confusing what I wrote...I don't eve know why I worote that....oh well....has anyone any idea what I am talking about....

sorry for my English..I am not a native speaker.


thanks for reading,

kindredspirit

i am surprised no one has responded to this, and i hope that maybe a little belated insight might help you.

Healing the wounds from an early age, especially sexual abuse, can be very difficult. Though I am no expert, and I can not tell you what will help, I can tell you what will NOT help: If she wants to be able to love, to touch, to trust again, keeping her problems internalized is not going to help.

Tell her that she NEEDS to talk about these things, that in itself is healing. Obsession with the unattainable (an actress for example) is also unhealthy if she wants to mentally and emotionally address the scars from her formative years.

Tell her there is hope, everyone has the potential to change, to heal, and to love themselves, and allow others to love them as well.

If she has the mindset that she will end up alone, then she will, simple as that. We create our realities.

goodluck

love and light