Advice for a secretly bi guy?

I retract my earlier statements.

Originally Posted by JAYJAYRINGO88

Hey, I just really felt like telling somebody/anybody a few things that I haven't ever told anyone, just because they're pretty intense things to have stored up. I had struggled with my sexuality from a very young age - I tried to come out to my family when I was 10, having known I wasn't quite "normal" from around the age of 8. They were quite surprised but supportive, however my brother, also being very young at the time was...well... not... lol. So over the next couple of days I somehow managed to convince them all that it was just a phase, just so that my brother wouldn't be angry anymore. When I was a little older, I realised it wasn't as clean cut as being gay or straight, I kinda started to notice I was attracted to girls too. By the time I had reached 19, I started to consider myself as bi, with a tendency to prefer men - not even on a sexual level, more because I had endured several painfully demanding relationships with girls in the past few years. However just as I was feeling comfortable with this, I happened to also be seeing a hypnotherapist for what I believed was an entirely unrelated matter of confidence issues. During one of the sessions, he had heard me mentioning the subject of my sexuality. After being drawn from the hypnosis, he went off about how I "wasn't normal" and in his own words, I was "F**king messed up", but that I shouldn't worry because he would "fix me". I was totally freaked out, threw the cash at him and left. After that I felt like I was back at square one again. My parents are totally open minded, as is my brother now, and at times I think they might know I have an interest in guys (I find myself consciously trying to make remarks on how a guy looks just to soften the potential future blow lol). But I had never before realised how upset people can get by hearing the term bisexual! But I know in my own heart I don't identify myself as being gay - and whether or not that is factually incorrect, or genetically improbable, or just generally unacceptable, it's true to me - be it some underlying mental inhibition or not - and I'm not prepared to convince myself otherwise because someone else says I should! I don't really know what that was there... advice, or a rant, or a cry for help, lmao, take whatever from it.

But while I'm here, I wanna ask somethin aswell, lol. How do any bi guys on here get together with other guys? I just find it really difficult especially since I haven't told anyone I'm into that kinda shit. Like do you just try your luck with someone and hope you don't get kicked in the face?! I've only ever kissed two guys ever before; both whilst I was so off my face I could barely stand up...

Thanks for reading (if you did lol)

Jay, I feel your pain, as I'm in the same siuation in a sense. The folks here are great as you know already I'm sure, and as a newcomer myself, I wish you the warmest of best wishes! Chris

I retract my earlier statements.

Originally Posted by JAYJAYRINGO88

Aw its ok, its not pain for me, I've become so endurant over all these years... I have found myself very happily single for a long time, its just once I turned 21 it was kinda like... shouldn't I be at least looking now lol! Would you say you find yourself holding back from any kind of relationship - male or female - just because you don't really know what it is you [I]should[I] be looking for?

Absolutely! I was never turned on by women, but am wreaking with male hormone! So seeing cute guys or being attracted to men seemed sickining to me, but it justy kept popping in my mind and heart, that I was attracted to men. It's F'ed up! What do you do?

Hey JJR:

Welcome to the Boards... These are easy, laid-back boards and no one is likely to start kicking your guts around here... Feel comfy here.

Now that you have just turned 21, it is only logical that you are looking for some sort of a relationship, ranging from 'A Try ONS' via 'Friends w Benefits', 'Buddies' or more.

It might be a trifle too soon to put a definite label on your sexuality, and seriously stick with it. If you feel that you are basically bisexual, let that be your 'working theory', but not something that you would want to see as the final truth about yourself, and proclaim to the rest of the world at this stage.

Judging by your question, I'd say that you feel like exploring your 'gay side' at the moment. Open your mind, sharpen your senses, observe well, AND get going. Put a profile or two on some of the dating sites. Hit a few bars, clubs or even spas. Be reasonable, stay safe, AND by all means enjoy life.

All the internet boards that I am aware of, including this one, are actually language-based communication platforms. We TELL each other that we are gay, str8, bi, pan or whatever. How else would the others know, where we are coming from?

Real life is somewhat different. People will invariably assume the 'situational concept', i.e., if you are having a drink in a gay bar, all those around you will want to believe that you are a gay man. They will hit on you, and you are kinda expected to hit on them, too. That's why most people go to such places. I would pick it up from there, and see where this takes you to.

I would stop short of starting a convo with "Hi, my name is JJR, and I am 'bi'." First off, because this will sound totally dorkish. No one talks like that at such places; Second off, you are a bit too young to really tell for sure; Third off, no one really cares.

Guys who you meet online, at the bars, clubs, sport clubs, gyms, libraries, etc., know that your life history (in terms of your sexual orientation) most likely does NOT begin with them on that day. They also know that they cannot really change your past, and I guess, very few people would really have any reason to want that.

So, both of you start from the situational concept. If you met a dude in a gay spa, assume that he is gay, that he assumes that you are gay, and that no one really cares too much about your possibly complex past. (People call this 'luggage', and they really do not want too much of that.) Pick it up from there, and see where this takes you.

You are neither marrying the guy nor are you promising eternal fidelity to him nor anything at that stage. Go, one step at a time...

If and when you reach the stage of planning a common future, and if you even at that time still feel your 'bi-interest' undiminished, share that truthfully with your partner.

Keep in mind that there is a number of gay guys who are very resentful of the 'bi' men, mostly because they fear being dumped for 'a chick'. This is, of course, a patent idiocy. If a dude ain't happy with you, he'll dump you for a chick, for another dude, for a period of solitude, for a fleshjack, or an oversized dildo, and/or any combination thereof.

KD

I think kewldewd covered most of what I would tell you. I don't really go looking for guys so I can't help ya there. And welcome.

I retract my earlier statements.

Originally Posted by JAYJAYRINGO88

Thanks for takin time to reply, it does mean a lot; it feels weird talking so openly about something I've trained myself to hide for the greater half of my life so its nice to see that people are sensitive about that In my fisrt year of college I got very close with a guy friend who later became very publically flirtatious with me (just touchin and like licking my face... lol that sounds really wierd!) and he even made out with his best mate (male) in front of me. I soon realised I was pretty into him and after seein this, I was sure he would be up for a little guy on guy stuff. But then one day we were watchin tv and there was somethin on about gay people and he totally freaked out and went off on a real homophobic rant. I was really shocked and obviously I chose not to mention anything about my attraction to him lol. So I guess thats kinda shook me a good bit - I was so sure that he was open to that sorta thing but my judgement was entirely off :-S

It sounds to me like you're just very frightened of your sexuality. Have you truly not told anyone except for HFers? I think everyone needs at least one friend (a person you can see face to face) they can talk to about this kind of thing. If there's no one you can talk to about it, it will just fester inside you and make you miserable, especially from the way you appear to viewl about your own feelings.
If your parents were supportive the first time around, what makes you think they won't be the same way a second time. To be honest, your mother probably knows. Moms just tend to realize this about their sons before anyone else. I, personally, could not handle being in the closet. It's just way too much stress and anxiety. In the end it's just easier to let allow people to know who you really are.
The best way to find out if a guy is gay/bi is just to ask him. If he's secure with his own sexuality, there should be no reason for him to get angry, whether he actually is gay/bisexual or not. I wouldn't recomment making a move on him until you find out whether he would be okay with it or not. I could see that being a triggere for a straight man/closeted gay man to go off.
In the end, it's just about being honest with yourself and the people around you. If they really have a huge problem with it, then they weren't your friends to begin with. And I'm sure you family will support you no matter what. It may take some time for them to adjust, but that's to be expected.
Hope this helped some.

I retract my earlier statements.

I once thought I might be BI, just because I thought guys used to turn me on. But i faught it. And I forced myself to stay straight. And to this day it was the best decision I ever made. Its only a matter of will power. Because in our society, and everyone knows this, nobody will accept you. Its just the way the world is. Religion pretty much rules all. Religion has made our laws, our wars, the way we look at things. But people don't understand religion like they think they do. Only 5-6% of the people in America have actually read and understand the bible[Including myself]

My advice to you. Fight it. I would hate to see another person to go through pain and suffering because they are different. You have to force yourself to stay straight. You have to CONFORM to be happy. At least thats the way my mind thinks.. I've had alot of shit happen to me.. Ya know?

I used to rebal and shit. But now, I conformed. Because I would tired of going through the misery and shit everyday of my life. Not to say that i'm the happiest guy in the world, but i'm happier than I was. And thats all I was shooting for. To be happy. Or maybe it was the fact that my family would have never talked to me again. Because being Bi/Gay in my family means your a outcast, That your going to hell, that your not welcome around them. Ha. But not to say that my family wouldn't still love me and all. they have done alot for me. Wouldn't ask for anyone else but them.

We are all human. We have flaws. We all sin. Because we aren't perfect. We judge one another, But we aren't supposed to. As I just did. But I mean, If life was easy, it wouldn't be worth living now would it? ;] Think about it bro.