desperate for jokes...

15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MUM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.


1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Tips for Handling Telemarketers

Three Little Words That Work !!

(1)The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."

Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.


(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.


This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your# button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!

(3) Junk Mail Help:
When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 37 cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.

One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 37 cents.

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea !

If enough people follow these tips, it will work ---- I have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.

On January 19, 1990 Barry was arrested with a former girlfriend, Hazel "Rasheeda" Moore, in a sting operation at the Vista Hotel by the FBI for cocaine. The incident – played over and over on television – showing an enraged Barry excoriating FBI informant Rasheeda Moore, "Goddamn setup...I'll be goddamn. Bitch set me up. That crazy bitch set up!"

Barry was charged with three felony counts of perjury, 10 counts of misdemeanor drug possession, and one felony count of conspiracy to possess and distribute cocaine; however, in October 1990, he was convicted on only one charge: a single previous misdemeanor count of possessing cocaine which occurred during November of 1989. He was acquitted on one possession charge and a mistrial was declared on the 12 remaining charges,

As a result of his arrest and the ensuing trial, Barry was forced to step down from his position as mayor. In the midst of his campaign for a city council seat, Barry was sentenced to a six-month federal prison term in October 1990.

But Marion Barry is back.

The former mayor of Washington, D.C. who served prison time oncrack cocaine with intent to distribute and other possession charges more than a decade ago claimed the Democratic nomination for a City Council seat on Tuesday, a spot that almost assures him of victory in November's general election.

Barry took 61 percent of the vote, based on preliminary results from 62 percent of precincts, beating the incumbent and five other challengers in the Democratic primary...

"It's not only a victory for Marion Barry but for God and the people of Ward 8," Barry told cheering supporters. "There's a new Ward 8 a-coming."

In 2002, Barry briefly campaigned for an at-large city council seat. But the bid was aborted after the U.S. Park Palice alleged they had found small amounts of cocaine and marijuana in Barry's double-parked Bentley.

On October 28, 2005 , Barry pleaded guilty to the misdemeanor charges stemming from an IRS investigation. At the mandatory drug testing at that hearing, he tested positive for cocaine and marijuana. On March 9, 2006, he was sentenced to three years probation for misdemeanor charges of failing to pay his federal income and local taxes, and continues to receive drug counseling to this day.

On September 16, 2006 Barry was stopped by Secret Service agents and was charged with driving under the influence, operating a vehicle while impaired, driving an unregistered vehicle and misuse of temporary tags. He was acquitted on June 13, 2007 of the drunk driving charges, but lab results taken that day and presented in court tested positive for cocaine and marijuana, once again.

Math lesson




Note found on the refrigerator one morning:



My Dear Honey,



You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset. I shall be home before midnight."



When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:



My Dear Husband,



I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will l be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.



As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.