Stupid Joke Thread

Originally Posted by FlyingBurritoBro

What do you call a man with no arms or legs swimming in the ocean?
Bob.

what do you call a man with no arms or legs in a hole ??? Phil

John takes a seat at the bar looking very glum indeed.His friend Steve ask what's wrong.

"It's my bloody mother-in-law", frowns John. "I have a real problem with her".

"Don't worry everyone has problems with his mother-in-law!"

"Yeah," John says, " but I got mine pregnant."

...

Why is Halloween considered the Republican holiday?


Because you get to gobble up as much as you can and scare the shit out of people.


Whats the difference between an alcoholic and a stoner?

an alcoholic will run a red light and a stoner will stop at a green light.

An Englishman, an Irishman, and an American walk into a bar. The barman says "what is this, some kind of a joke?"



An electron and a neutron walk into a bar and order two beers. The barman says to the electron "that'll be five bucks", and the electron pays up. The barman turns to the neutron and says "for you, no charge!"

Two bulls, and old one and a young one, were on top of a hill looking at a herd of cows. The young one says "Hey old bull! Let's run down there and fuck one of those cows!" The old bull says "No. Let's walk down there and fuck them all."

Three bulls, an old one, a young one, and a very small one, were talking about a rumor they'd heard that the farmer had bought another bull. The old bull said "Well, he's not getting any of MY cows. I've been here a long time and it's not fair for him to come in and take mine." The young bull says "Well I don't have many cows. If I loose even a few I'll miss them. He's not getting any of mine." The small bull says " Well I only have one or two. He can't have any of mine!" The day the new bull arrived the three bulls were watching them unload him, and were amazed at how big he was. The oldest bull said "Well, I wouldn't want him to not feel welcome. I think I could give him some of my cows." The young bull said "Me too. I'd hate for him not to feel welcome" The small bull started snorting, scraping the ground, and bellowing loudly at the huge new bull. The other bulls said "You're crazy! He'll kill you!" And the small bull said "I'm not picking a fight! I'm just making sure he knows I'm not a cow!"

So this Irish man walks out of a bar...


(you have to think about it for a minute)

Okay, you want a REALLY bad one?
What do you get when you cross bacon and pinecones?
Porcupines! AAAHAHAHAHAHA! wow, that's bad..

So Jesus was up on the cross, and his disciples were down the hill contemplating the future. And Peter hears Jesus's distant call.

"Peter... Peter..."

He runs up the hill to serve his lord, but the centurion sees him and beats the crap out of him, sending him tumbling back down the hill. Peter, lying at the bottom in pain, hears Jesus's voice again, calling him. He runs up the backside of the hill, but the centurion sees him, breaks his arm, and throws him back down the hill. Peter is at the bottom, wincing and crying, and he hears Jesus call him again. He goes to the other disciples and says,

"Hey guys, Jesus wants to talk to me, could you distract the centurion for me?"

So the other disciples run up and get beat up by the centurion while Peter goes to speak to Jesus. Peter says,

"I am here, my lord, just as you called for me." Jesus says,

"Peter... Peter, I can see your house from here."

Do you know..why an elephant..
cannot drive a bicycle???
because..
he doesn't have a thumb..
to ring the bycicle bell
Emiel