Stupid Joke Thread

[FlyingBurritoBro]

Mine:

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him ....... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. :&


Tell yours.

[happykoala]

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on him.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way, unique up on him. :p

[happykoala]

or, how bout this?

Duck walks into a hardware store, goes to a clerk and says "Got any grapes?" Clerk says no. Next day, duck walks into a hardware store, goes to the clerk and says "Got any grapes?" Clerk says no. Next day, duck walks into a hardware store. Goes up to the clerk and says "Got any grapes?" The clerk says, "If you ask me that one more time, I will nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" Next day, duck walks into a hardware store, goes to the clerk and says
"Got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any grapes?"

[shevek]

OK, how about...

I used to be into necrophilia bestiality and sadism all at the same time, but then I realized I was beating a dead horse...http://www.hipforums.com/forums/images/smilies/tongue.gif (Possibly from Woody Allen??? It sure sounds like something he'd cook up!)

[stonr]

knock knock....
whos there......
boo..........
boo who?...
whyy are you crying its just a joke

[evilgandalf]

an elephant and a naked man standing side by side,

the elephant turns to the naked man and says its cute but can u pick up peanuts with it?:D

[evilgandalf]

2 eggs boiling in a pan! 1 female, 1 male she says to him "look i've got a crack!" he says "no point telling me i'm not f**kin hard yet":D

[dreadlockswampy]

A guy walks in to a bar & asks for 10 shots of tequilla
The barman lines them up

bang, bang, bang, bang he necks the lot & staggers home

He walks up to the barman the next day, the bar,an say's "10 more tequillas ?"

The Guy says "no thanks, when I got home last night I blew chunks "

The barman say's "No wonder the ammount you drank lastnight it's bound to happen"

The guys says "you don't understand, Chunks is my Dog"

[Mexibarbie]

Why do Mexicans drive with small steering wheels?

So they can drive with handcuffs on!

[_see_]

I demand jesus jokes.
anybody know any jokes about god or jesus?
i found a really bad one about jesus, but im not gonna put it up 'cause i'll go to hell:p

so sorry to say you get stuck with this one (got it offa google) :

JESUS
The bartender was washing his glasses, and an elderly Irishman came in and with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.


The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.


The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, also.


The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered. "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too.


As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to the door.


Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.


Jesus walked toward the redneck, and the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawing disability!"

[TheLizardQueen]

What do Dale Earnhart and Pink Floyd have in common?

-their last hit was The Wall

[bedlam]

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.
"In fact, there's no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

[FlyingBurritoBro]

The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

That is such an awesome joke!

Okay. McCallahn stopped into a pub and sat down at the bar. He asked the tender for a pint, and as he took it he asked, " Bartender, McCallahn's me name. Stonemason by trade. Do ye know the school down the street? Built it with me own two hands. Do they call me McCallahn the Schoolbuilder? No!"

McCallahn drinks his beer and asks for another. As he takes it he asks, "Bartender, do ye know the church down the way? Built it with me own two hands! Do they call me McCallahn the Churchbuilder? Hell no!!"

And McCallahn drinks his beer and asks for another, by now feeling it a little. As he takes his pint he asks, "Bartender, have ye crossed the bridge over the river lately? Built it with me own two hands! And do they call me McCallahn the Bridgebuilder? Hell no they don't!! But fuck one wee goat...!"

[bedlam]

Which is faster - hot or cold?

Hot, because you can catch a cold.

[icedteapriestess]

My grandpa's favorite joke... and it's majorly stupid!

This man was out in his back yard one day and decided that he wanted to get a brick planter made. So, he went inside and called his friend, the local brick mason. The brick mason asked the man how big of a planter he wanted. The man replied that he wanted it 5 feet long, 2 feet high and 1 foot wide. The mason did some quick calculations, and determined that he had just enough of this discontinued type of brick to build a planter of the wanted dimensions.

The next day, the Mason showed up bright and early. The homeowner came out just as the job was finishing up to watch his friend place the last couple of bricks. When finished, the planter looked perfect. Only problem is that there was one brick left over.
The mason had no use for it, as it was the last brick of a discontinued type, so he couldn't make anything else with it. The homeowner had no use for the brick either.

The two men started fighting, as friends sometimes do. The mason wanted his friend to have the brick, and the homeowner wanted the mason to keep the brick. Eventually things got rather heated, and the two men started yelling.

Finally, the homeowner's wife came out of the house. She stood there looking at the men for a couple minutes before walking over to the men, grabbing the brick and throwing it up in the air with all her might.

And the brick never came down.

[Insomniac_devi]

Jesus Christ walks into a hotel. He hands the clerk three nails, and asks "Can you put me up for the night?"

Can't believe this one wasn't posted already....

[heirUspected]

I don't get the brick one, help please!!!!

[icedteapriestess]

Don't worry heir. I have known the joke for 15 years and still don't get it... but thats why I remember it so well.

Another joke? This one will get get-able, I promise!


The governor of Montana, considering himself deeply artistic and an avid historian, commissioned an artist do a painting for the local museum. The governor wanted the artist to paint a rendition of what went through the mind of General Custer during his infamous Last Stand.

The artist thought for several weeks before even starting to paint. After starting, he painted for several months. Finally, the day of the unveiling came.

As the sheet dropped, silence engulfed the museum. Hundreds of patrons stood looking at the large painting. It was floor to ceiling and close to 15 feet long! The painting itself depicted seveal separate images, which flowed seamlessly into one another.

At the top of the painting, there was a holstein cow, floating on it's side wearing angel wings and a halo shined over it's head. In the back ground, there was a pastoral scene, with a river, and trees, blowing grasslands as far as the eye could see. The foreground was covered with naked Native Americans, who appeared to be ingaged in sexual intercourse.

The govenor, being a politician, and having spent a fair chunk of the tax payers money on the painting was irate! He had asked for a historical painting, depicting Custer in all his glory.... and instead had recieved some surrealist crap!

He stormed over to the artist and demanded an explaination. The artist calmly asked what what the problem was. The artist thought he had fulfilled the govenors requirements.

"What does this painting have to do with Custer?" asked the govenor.

The artisted replied, "Gee... I thought it was a bit too obvious. I painted what I imagined Custer's last thoughts to be."

"And.. WHAT WAS THAT?!" yelled the govenor.

"Holy cow! Look at all the fucking Indians!"


(Love the joke, as I don't think much of Custer.)

[bedlam]

This guy went to hell and was roaming around checking it out when another guy came up and introduced himself and welcomed him to hell.

"Do you like to drink?" said the host.

"Oh yeah, on earth i was a real drinker...I really like straight whiskey."

"Well you're going to love tuesdays.We all get nasty drunk and then go round up some trouble. the neat thing is, you can't get arrested for drunk driving and you won't get killed in a wreck cause you're already dead. You're going to love tuesdays! How about drugs ,do you like to do drugs?"

"Well,I dabbled with drugs a little when i was in college..."

You're going to love wednesdays, we have anything you want here in hell and the great thing is you can't overdose cause you're already dead! How about gambling,do you like to gamble?"

"Yeah, I love to gamble. Used to go to Vegas 3 times a year until I went broke and had to declare bankruptcy."

"You're going to love thursdays, we all gamble with anything we want and blah,blah,blah. Are you gay? Do you like the gay life?"

"No I'm not into that."

"You're going to hate fridays."

[matthew]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/dog039bewar.jpg (http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=2604&id=1)

[paulfreespirit]

bus driver chucks a baldy cat of the bus ........a passenger sez what did yer do that for ........bus driver replys....... he had no fare.

[matthew]

bus driver chucks a baldy cat of the bus ........a passenger sez what did yer do that for ........bus driver replys....... he had no fare.
That (my friend) is the most awfulist joke i have read/heard in my life.. well done http://hipforums.com/forums/images/icons/newicons/icon14.gif

[paulfreespirit]

That (my friend) is the most awfulist joke i have read/heard in my life.. well done http://hipforums.com/forums/images/icons/newicons/icon14.gif thanks man. .......man goes in barbers and asks for a michael jackson style ........barber gives him a skinhead.......man freaks out and says to the barber .......michael jackson "s head does/nt look like that..........barber replys....... it would if he came into this shop.......................................stick to the day job paul .........yeah ok

[matthew]

stick to the day job paul .........yeah ok

Wise words from a wise man...

So, a neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

[paulfreespirit]

Wise words from a wise man...

So, a neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge.":D

[matthew]

Why didn't Jesus replace the stone from the tomb when he rose from the dead? Well, he was born in a barn.

[paulfreespirit]

tony and jimmy walking through some woods one day ........tony sez to jimmy ...what would you do if a bird shit on yer head.....jimmy replys ....i would pack her in.

[matthew]

tony and jimmy walking through some woods one day ........tony sez to jimmy ...what would you do if a bird shit on yer head.....jimmy replys ....i would pack her in.
hahaha don't blame him, so would i.

Winging his way to America from Ireland, Father O'Leary asked a stewardess, "How high is this plane, Miss?" The stewardess replied, "About thirty-two thousand feet, Father." The Father's jaw dropped in amazement. "Who'd have believed it? And could ye tell me how wide it is?"

[paulfreespirit]

hahaha don't blame him, so would i.



Winging his way to America from Ireland, Father O'Leary asked a stewardess, "How high is this plane, Miss?" The stewardess replied, "About thirty-two thousand feet, Father." The Father's jaw dropped in amazement. "Who'd have believed it? And could ye tell me how wide it is?"



:D carefull mathew ......you might have the politically correct people........calling you a racist :eek: ................man jumps in a taxi .....king edwards close ........dont worry sir sez taxi driver .......i"ll loose him at the next set of lights .

[matthew]

:D carefull mathew ......you might have the politically correct people........calling you a racist :eek: ................man jumps in a taxi .....king edwards close ........dont worry sir sez taxi driver .......i"ll loose him at the next set of lights .
:D



Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light Bulb?
A: At least ten, as they will need to have a discussion about whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb they still may not change it to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.

are these awful jokes paul ?? :rolleyes:

[paulfreespirit]

:D



Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light Bulb?
A: At least ten, as they will need to have a discussion about whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb they still may not change it to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.

are these awful jokes paul ?? :rolleyes: time for a spleg man..........enjoy remainder of weekend mathew........regards la :cool: yer pro war cunt..............:eek:

[_see_]

thanks -see-

i'm adding that to my collection

you got anymore?for you Michael:) :

God Loves Blondes



A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket"

[matthew]

time for a spleg man..........enjoy remainder of weekend mathew........regards la :cool: yer pro war cunt..............:eek:
Hope you have a nice weekend also.... dickhead :)

[MrFantasy]

Jokes about Jesus are bound to offend, so here goes :)

Why did Popeye hit Jesus?
Because he was going to Mount Olive.

A man is being shown round heaven by God. He is taken down a long corridor full of rooms. In one of them, is a lot of people floating in bliss. "That's the buddhists" says God. In another, there are people dancing and feasting. "That's the Muslims" says God. So on and so on until they come to a closed door. "Shhh. Says God. Walk past quietly." "Why?" says the Man. "That's the Christians." says God "They think they're the only ones up here..."

[matthew]

3 gay guys are in a tub. A condom floats to the top and one of them says "Who Farted?"

[_see_]

3 gay guys are in a tub. A condom floats to the top and one of them says "Who Farted?"
hahahahaha and just when i thought you couldnt get any funnier:rolleyes: :p

[matthew]

hahahahaha and just when i thought you couldnt get any funnier:rolleyes: :p*takes a bow* thanks :& 'It's the way i tell em'

[icedteapriestess]

A nun was flying home from a weeks vacation. With her, was her little dog. The dog was really well behaved, and seeing as she was a nun, the flight attendants decided to let her keep the dog with her in the plane cabin instead of stowing it in the cargo/luggage area.

Sitting next to the nun is a big fat Texan. He is as big and loud as the nun is small and quiet! 20 minutes into the flight the Texan lights up a big stinky cigar, and blows the smoke into the nun's face. Immediatly, the dog starts barking and growling at the fat Texan.

The Texan says "Lady... you better shut that dang dog up might quick, or I am gonna throw it out the dang window".

The nin replies, "Sir, if you would put the cigar out, the dog would cease barking, and I would be much happier."

Back and forth the 2 of them went for 20 minutes. Finally, the Texan reaches over, grabs the dog by the scruff of the neck and throws it out the window. The nun, in a fit of rage, grabs the cigar and tosses it out the window too. The nun starts screaming, and flight attendants come over to try to calm her.

A man sitting 4 rows back gets up to go the bathroom. As he walks to the back of the plane, he sees something sitting out on the wing. He stops to get a closer look, and is surprised to see that it's a little dog! And guess what the dog had in its mouth?


A brick.

[shevek]

Jesus on the cross: My God, My God, Why have You forsaken me?
Voice from heaven: Because you became a goddam HIPPIE !!!

Hey, this is a stupid joke thread... http://www.hipforums.com/forums/images/smilies/tongue.gif

[paulfreespirit]

three men are about to be shot by a firing squad................evertonian (being the clever one) thinks to himself ......how the fuck do i get outta this ........as the soilders lift up their guns ........evertonian shouts tornado .......to which the soldiers run like fuck . back in the cell that night the tranmere fan asks evertonian how he managed to stay alive . evertonian sez " all you have to do is shout somethink to do with a global castastrophic event " it puts the shits up them. next day tranmere fan goes on firing squad .....as the soldiers raise their guns ........tranmere fan shouts earthquake ........to which soldiers run away . back in the cell that night " the evertonian and tranmere fan explain to the man utd fan how to stay alive . man utd fan says no problem.....i think ive got it .next day as man utd fan is facing the firing squad........soldiers raise their guns ............man utd fan shouts fire........back to bed paully lad

[bedlam]

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.



"Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well ... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring ... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...

"You know, woman to woman."

[paulfreespirit]

matthews joke about father o leary, i don't get it.
how wide is it?

the popeye one, and "walk past quietly" was funny.

what bedlam said i think is non-fiction, not humor. he asked how high the plane was michael " to which the stewardess replied so many thousand feet up . what father o"leary really meant was how high from floor to ceiling . thats why he then proceeded to ask how wide it was " so the jokes on the stewardess. hope this helps ............man some yanks have a wierd sense of humour:rolleyes: :eek: ............

[FlyingBurritoBro]

K. This woman keeps taking her dog to the vet for ear infections. She asks why they keep coming back and the vet tells her some breeds have a lot of hair in thier ears and that traps dirt and oil and causes the infections, and she should get a bottle of hair remover like Nair and put some on a rag and gently remove SOME of the hair in the dog's ears. Next time she's in the drugstore, she puts a bottle in her cart. At the checkout, the pharmasist says "If you use that on your legs, wear shorts for a few days becuse that stuff is caustic and will irritate the skin and shorts will make you more comfortable. She replys, "Thank you, it's not for my legs". He says, "Well, if you use it under your arms, wear a loose tee or maybe spaghetti straps for a few days." She replys, more irritated, " Thank you, it's not for my underarms either." This got her an uneasy silence, so she said "If you must know, it's for my Schnauzer." He said, "Stay off your bike for a few days."

[bedlam]

man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.

He gave her that, "Who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.

Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said, "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children!"

Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE.... during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!"

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy, sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!". Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

[Sax_Machine]

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.



"Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well ... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring ... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...

"You know, woman to woman."

You asked for it now!


One day in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God.



"Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Adam?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Adam, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a woman for you."

"What's a woman, Lord?"

"This woman will be a flawless creature, with many good traits. She'll cook and clean and raise your children for you. She'll satisfy all your physical needs, and best of all, she won't spend all your money or interrupt you when there's a match on.

"Sounds great." says Adam, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "But how much will she cost me, Lord?"

"An arm and a leg, I'm afraid, Adam."

"What can I get for a rib?"

[FlyingBurritoBro]

Farm wasn't doing so good, so the farmer's wife called in an animal psyhcologist to see if that would help. Farmer was furious for her to spend money on something so stupid, but he had to go along. Started with the cows, who'd quit giving milk long ago. He sat calmly and mooed softly and the cows seemed to respond. After a while, he came to the farmer and said "They're upset because you changed thier feed". The farmer thought back and remembered about the time they quit milking he had in fact switched to a cheaper feed. "If I switch back will they milk again?" "Yes". Next was the laying hens. The psychologist clucked around with them and in a while came up with "They're mad because you collect eggs too early. It wakes them up." "If I gathered later would they lay again?" "Yes". This excited the farmer's wife so much she insisted the psychologist talk to every animal on the farm for suggestions on how to make them happier and more productive. The farmer shouted to him as he headed out "Don't pay any attention to those sheep! They're some lying mutherfuckers!"

[Sax_Machine]

Surely that joke only works if it's a Welsh farmer!

[FlyingBurritoBro]

It works for a few others too! :D

[shevek]

How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

[FlyingBurritoBro]

Kiss my ass! :)

What's the difference between a black chick and a bowling ball? If I REALLY, REALLY had to, I could eat a bowling ball.

[paulfreespirit]

two turds and a wig go out for a bevy " turd go"s the bar and asks for 3 pints of lager . bartender refuses to serve them " turd asks why ?. bartender sez" you three were in here last week" at the the end of the night two of you were steaming " and one was of his fucken head .

[euroherbs]

Ghandi was very violent

[bedlam]

Mary had a little lamb,
her father shot it dead.
Now Mary takes the lamb to school-
between two slices of bread.

[Sax_Machine]

Kiss my ass! :)

What's the difference between a black chick and a bowling ball? If I REALLY, REALLY had to, I could eat a bowling ball.

I know this is meant to be a thread for awful jokes but that really takes the piss!

[FlyingBurritoBro]

Sorry. Did'nt mean to OH-FEND your english ass. Folks were telling gay jokes, so I thought a little color would be okay. It was meant as humor, not seriously.

Hey, what's the difference between the Queen Mother and a bowling ball?

[Quest_techie]

a man heard a knock on his door one day, he opened the door and what should he see but a snail...... he picked up the snail and threw it as far as he could......


2 weeks later the sam man heard a knock on his door, he opend his door and again he saw the same snail.... and quite earnestly the snail said






What the fuck did you do that for?

[Green]

Lmao.

A man in desperate need of a restroom goes into a bar and asks the bartender where the bathroom is. The bartender replys "up the stairs and to the right", so the man hurries upstairs, but he can't find any bathroom. He really needs to go, then he notices a little hole in the floor. He goes in it. He goes back down stairs and the bar is empty, so he asks the bartender "Where'd everybody go?" and the bartender replys "where were you when the shit hit the fan?".

Lmao lmao lmoamlam
I got it from a joke website.

I will go find the link.

http://www.effect.net.au/lukastan/humour/Mainmenu.htm

[shevek]

A man goes into a bar, and sees a donkey sitting at the end of the bar. He tells the bertender, "I bet you ten bucks I can make that donkey laugh." The bartender says, "You're on." The guy walks down to the donkey, and pretty soon the donkey is laughing his ass off. The bartender asks, "How did you do that?" The guy replies, "I told him mine was bigger than his. Now I'll go double or nothing that I can make that donkey cry." The bartender says, "OK, you're on, I'd like to see that." The guy walks over to the donkey, and pretty soon the donkey is crying like a baby. The bartender asks the guy, "Now how did you do that?" The guy replies, "I showed him mine."

Cheers!

[bedlam]

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?" Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing is wrong with them!!!" At this point the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???"

[FlyingBurritoBro]

in the way of reviving my thread...



A man approached a prostitue, and began negotiating price. Finally, the woman said "I'll do anything for 100 dollars." "ANYthing?" "ANYTHING." So he took her home and told her to paint his house...

[bedlam]

Four married guys went fishing. After an hour, the following
conversation took place: First guy: " You've no idea what I had
to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend.
I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house
next weekend."

Second guy: " That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.

Third guy: " Man you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife
that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the 4th guy had not
said a word.

So they asked him. " You haven't said anything about what you had
to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: " I just set my alarm for 5.30 am. When it went off,
I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or
sex?"..and she said, " Wear sun-block."

[couttsta]

(Q) A Mexican and a Black man are in a car... who is driving?
(A) The Police

[couttsta]

(Q) What is the difference between jesus and a painting?
(A) It only takes one nail to hang a painting

[shevek]

Q: What's the difference between a straight guy and a bisexual?
A: Two six-packs (or two joints)!

[FlyingBurritoBro]

BB King was playing a club and a woman walked up and said "BB, I'm your biggest fan! I've got all your CD's and I've seen you over 100 times. I've never had the nerve to talk to you until now". BB says "You're my BIGGEST fan?" She says "Yes. I've even got your intials tatooed on my butt!" "Really?" "Yes, wanna see?" She drops her pants and bends over, and BB studies for a second, and says "I think theres been a mistake, m'amm. BB's name ain't Bob..."

[newo]

Why do they call it PMS?

Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!

[FlyingBurritoBro]

How many UVa girls does it take to change a flat tire?

Two. One to hold the drinks, and one to call Daddy...

[shevek]

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and legs who's been thrown into the water?
A: Bob

Q: What do you call a guy who's been run over by a steam roller and nailed to the wall?
A: Art

[SIEKK]

Did you guys hear about the guy that was born without any eyelids?
They had to use his foreskin to make eyelids for him


Now he's a little cockeyed

[SIEKK]

So this rope goes into a bar and hops up on a barstool and says, "Bartender, give me a pint of your finest beer" The bartender says, "I'm sorry but we don't serve to ropes"

The rope, discouraged, goes outside and quickly thinks up a plan. He ties himself in a knot and frays his ends. He goes back into the bar and hops up on a barstool and says, "Bartender, give me a pint of your finest beer"

The bartender says, "Are you that same rope that was just in here?"

The rope says,"No, I'm afraid not."

[crummyrummy]

>
>God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the
>archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
>
>He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
>
>God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly
>pointed downwards through the clouds,
>"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
>
>Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said,
>"What is it?"
>
>"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.
>I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great
>place of balance."
>
>"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
>
>God explained, pointing to different parts of earth.
>"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great
>opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going
>to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white
>people, and over there is a continent of black people.
>Balance in all things,"
>
>God continued pointing to different countries. "This one
>will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold
>and covered in ice."
>
>The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed
>to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
>
>"Ah," said God, "That's Washington State, the most
>glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains,
>rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees.
>The people from Washington State are going to be
>handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they
>are going to be found traveling the world. They will be
>extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they
>will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and
>carriers of peace."
>
>Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then
>proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said
>there would be balance."
>
>God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait until
>you see the idiots I put there."

[FlyingBurritoBro]

lol

[bedlam]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

[crummyrummy]

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a
carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and
one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling
marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters who are
prostitutes in Jersey City.

I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in
Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently
being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of neglecting his
three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives
in the Bronx and, indeed, is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel.
Her time there is limited, however, as we hope to open our own brothel with
her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested
in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute
themselves, it would get them off the street, and, hopefully, the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into
the family, and of course, I want to be totally honest with her. So here's
where I need your advice.

Should I tell her about my cousin who voted for Bush?

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation

[newo]

Since this is a hippie website, we need hippie jokes!



How many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three, one to do it, and two to relate to the experience.

How many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but he/she has to save up for a week to buy a $20 energy efficent lightbulb.

How many deadheads does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they wait for it to burn out and then follow it around for 30 years.

How many deadheads does it take to screw in a light bulb? Deadheads don’t screw in lightbulbs, they screw in sleeping bags.

How many deadheads does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three, one to do it, and two to stand around and say how much better Jerry could have done it.

How do you know if a hippie has been in your house? He's still there.
How can you tell when he’s about to leave? The phone bill comes.

How do you get 20 hippies into a phone booth? Throw in a roach.
How do you get 20 hippies out of a phone booth? Throw in a bar of soap.

How do you hide money from a hippie? Hide it under the soap.

Why did all the hippies move to Eugene, Oregon?
There's no work there.

Why are hippies like bears?
They both eat honey, they both give hugs, and they both shit in the woods.

How do you get a one-armed hippie out of a tree?
Pass him a joint.

What's the difference between a hippie and a deadhead?
A hippie will give the shirt off his back, and a deadhead will sell you somebody else's for $25, two for $40.

What does a deadhead say when he runs out of pot?
"This band sucks!"

How many potheads does it take to watch a campfire go out?
All of them.

Why did the pothead cross the road?
Who else would follow a chicken?

[crummyrummy]

A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at
him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." He
replied that he felt great.
The man went to work where his boss took one look at him and said,
"What is the matter with you? You look terrible." The man replied that
there was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great. The man went
to lunch with a client and the client looked at him and said, "What is
the matter with you? You look terrible."
The man again replied that he felt great.
The client suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked
so bad.
The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into the
examining room and saw him the doctor said, "My god, you look
terrible."
The man explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terrible
but that he felt great.
The doctor said, "Are you sure you feel great?" The man reiterated that
he definitely felt great! The doctor got out his medical book and
looked up "looks terrible". After he found that he looked up the
subsection "feels great".
The doctor said, "I found it right here under 'looks terrible, feels
great'. The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor,
"Tell me, what is it?"
The doctor replied, "According to my book... you're a vagina!"

[bedlam]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

so the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

[Eugene]

Why did Hellen Keller's dog run away? you would too if your name was MWAAAAAHHH!

How did Hellen Keller burn the side of her face? She answered the Iron.
How did she burn the other side? She called back.

How do you have fun with Hellen Keller? Move the furniture around.

What's funnier than a truck full of dead babies? The pitchfork you use to unload them.
What's funnier than a pile of dead babies? The one in the middle who's still alive and eating it's way out.

[bedlam]

Cyrus asks: "Daddy, how was I born?"

Dad says: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said:
'You've Got Male'."

[JayBird]

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?

A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough
Boy?

A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, and Blowjob?

A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a
blowjob.

[FlyingBurritoBro]

why do mermaids wear seashells?

cuz b shells are too small, and d shells are too big...

[Ganja_Goo_Ninja]

Ahem..

Did anyone hear about the fly on the toilet seat?



He got pissed off.

[newo]

why do mermaids wear seashells?

cuz b shells are too small, and d shells are too big... I thought mermaids wore algebras!

[bedlam]

A man goes into a lawyer's office and says, "I heard people
have sued the tobacco companies for giving them lung cancer, and
McDonald's for making them fat."

The lawyer says, "Yes, that's true."

The man says, "Well, I'm interested in suing too."

The lawyer says, "Okay, McDonald's, or the tobacco
companies?"

The man says,

"Neither I'm suing Budweiser for all the ugly people I've
slept with."

[Ganja_Goo_Ninja]

LOL @ Bedlam!

Good one, I'm gonna have to remember that.

[crummyrummy]

A nun wearing a ful black habit is walking past a bar when a drunk stumbles out, see's her, and punches her in the face. Before she can scream, he lands a quick jab and finishes with an uppercut. She goes down, and the drunk starts kicking her in her sides. A few of his friends walk out of the bar, and as they pull him off the bloody nun, the drunk yells, "You arent so tough, are you Batman!!"

[bedlam]

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math, and science. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!" The professor replied, "Chief, you're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence... what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about the sheep and I won't say anything more about the baby.

[reneegade]

how can you tell if a girl is a true redneck?

she can chew tobacco and suck your dick at the same time but know what to spit and what to swallow!

[Ganja_Goo_Ninja]

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?

A woman who don't do what she's told.

[Eugene]

An anthropologist went to the Amazon to study the native tribes deep in the jungle. A day after he arrived there started a slow rhythmic drumming deep in the unseen darkness. Concerened, he turns to his guide and asks if there is any real danger, the guide says "no, the only danger is when the drums stop."
A day, two days, three days eventually go by with the slow constant drumming, until on the fourth day, they stop.
Petrified the anthropologist turns to his guide and asks "what happens now," ashen faced and terrorfied the guide answers "Bass solo."

[FlyingBurritoBro]

I thought mermaids wore algebras!
you tell your joke, i'll tell mine! :)

[FlyingBurritoBro]

K. A farmer's wife calls in an veterinary psychologist to evaluate thier animals because the farm had quit producing at all. The farmer was against it, but he went along with it. The vet started with the chickens, and sat down in the run with then for about 20 minutes and seemed to be talking to them. He came back to the farmer and said "the hens are angry with you because you changed thier feed." The farmer thought back and sure enough, he had switched to a cheaper feed right before the hens quit laying. "If I change back, will they lay again?" "Yes". So the vet talks to the cows, who had quit milking. Comes back and says, " they're upset because you turned up the pressure on the automatic milkers. It hurts them." The farmer said he'd done it to get more milk, but would change it back. As the vet walked off, he said "I'm headed out to the pasture to talk with the the sheep, goats, and horses>" And the farmer yelled back " Well, I'll say right up front those sheep are some lying sons of bitches!"

[Ganja_Goo_Ninja]

Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.

Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?

One Student: Because George still had the axe in is hand.

[crummyrummy]

How To Simulate Life In The Navy
1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.
2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls.
3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray."
4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.
5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.
6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.
7. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.
8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".
9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you.
10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours, and hang a sign on the door that reads "Secured-contact OA division at X-3053."
11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave your house before 3pm.
12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home...you can't leave until the next day you have duty.
13. Shower with above-mentioned friends.
14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).
15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.
16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lighted off."
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not. (Now sweepers, start your brooms, clean sweep down fore and aft, do not empty shitcans over the fantail)
18. Repaint your entire house once a month.
19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.
20.Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.
21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.
22. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.
23. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.
24. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.
25. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.
26. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it "world travel."
27. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.
28. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.
29. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.
30. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone,and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations. ("General quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations")
31. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.
32. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.
33.When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.
34. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.
35. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "weekend liberty." When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for Engineering-certification, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house.
36. In your grim, gray dumpster (refer to #1), with 200 of your not-so-closest friend (cite para. 12) regardless of gender, suffer through PMS!
37. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have you wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack."
38. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub, move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while you soap down.
39. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
40. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
41. For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower running in your living room eight hours a day.
42. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
43.Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbors house. Ignore his complaints.
44. Every other month buy green or red marine primer and put it in a paint sprayer. Spray it over the roof of your house onto your neighbors car. Ignore his complaints.
45. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.
46. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the garbage on the other side of your bathtub.
47. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.
48. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top button on your shirt, stuff you pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
49. Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back together again.
50. Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under it and read books.
51. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through one of them.
52. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "Man overboard, starboard side" Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the kitchen "stowed for sea."
53. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front of yours tove. Say ... to no one in particular "Stove manned and ready" Stand there for three or four hours. And say again to no one in particular "stove secured." Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.

[bedlam]

Three men stood before a judge on a charge of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park.

Judge: "What were you doing?"

1st man: "Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond."

Judge: "And what were you doing?"

2nd man: "I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too."

Judge: "Sounds harmless. And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?"

3rd man: "No, Sir. I am Peanuts!"

[sara_rose]

Three daughters
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop. " Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long-King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline?

The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted.

[Unbreakable_T]

Two guys are stranded in the middle of the desert, haven't eaten or drank anything in a couple days and figure that if they don't get some help soon that they're pretty much finished. After walking for several hours they both see an oasis in the distance, but both thinking it must be a mirage don't bother saying a word about it. An hour later and the pair are nearly on top of the oasis, realising their luck they immediately start lapping up the beautiful clear water. After satisfying their thirst the two are laying on their backs talking about their good fortune when one spots a tall shrub off to one side with the most perfect looking sides of pork, bacon rashers and the like that he had ever seen. He straight away gets up and heads toward it with an energy he has not felt in days. The second guy looks over to where his mate is going and exclaims "oh my god, it's a bacon tree!" just before he is cut short by the sound of gunfire and his mate drops to the ground. Looking around for the culprit he jumps up and goes over to help his mate who he realises is still breathing when his mate calls out with his dying breath "don't come any closer, it's not a real bacon tree!!!"













"It's a HAM BUSH!!!!!"

[FlyingBurritoBro]

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. While her dad gets a cut, the girl enjoys a snack cake in the chair by the door. She gets bored and goes to see what her Dad's cut is looking like, and the barber says, "Honey, you're gonna get hair on your twinkie!" She replys "Yep. And I'm gonna get boobs, too!"

[TheLizardQueen]

what do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

a quarter pounder with cheese

[FlyingBurritoBro]

Why does pussy have hair covering it?

To hide the hook...

[crummyrummy]

Daryl: I swallowed my wrist watch by accident yesterday, Harry.
Harry: Good heavens! Does it hurt?
Daryl: Only when I wind it.

[newo]

What's the difference between being kinky and being perverted?
When you're kinky you use a feather
When you're perverted you use the whole chicken

[crummyrummy]

What do you call a chef that makes cakes and cookies while intoxicated?
Drunken Hines.

[YellowBellyHippy]

What do you call a dog with really short legs and steel balls?




SPARKY :)

[Oz!]

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."

[crummyrummy]

>
>God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the
>archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
>
>He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
>
>God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly
>pointed downwards through the clouds,
>"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
>
>Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said,
>"What is it?"
>
>"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.
>I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great
>place of balance."
>
>"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
>
>God explained, pointing to different parts of earth.
>"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great
>opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going
>to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white
>people, and over there is a continent of black people.
>Balance in all things,"
>
>God continued pointing to different countries. "This one
>will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold
>and covered in ice."
>
>The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed
>to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
>
>"Ah," said God, "That's Washington State, the most
>glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains,
>rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees.
>The people from Washington State are going to be
>handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they
>are going to be found traveling the world. They will be
>extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they
>will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and
>carriers of peace."
>
>Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then
>proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said
>there would be balance."
>
>God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait until
>you see the idiots I put there."
Did I ever tell you the story about the broken pencil?
It had no point.

[YellowBellyHippy]

Lololol

[crummyrummy]

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines!

[FlyingBurritoBro]

Why did Mark Kay squint? Because of her eye shadow...

Why did she take little bitty steps? Because of her lipstick...

[crummyrummy]

When is a school paper not a school paper?
When it's turned into the teacher.

[Oz!]

Did I ever tell you the story about the broken pencil?
It had no point.
haha! fair play.....save the copy and paste inna future :D

[newo]

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court. The Judge says, "Let me get this straight Mickey. You say you want to divorce Minnie because she's crazy?" and Mickey replies, "No, your honor! I said I want to divorce her because she's fucking Goofy!"

[crummyrummy]

Energizer Bunny arrested.

Charged with battery.

[squawkers7]

How can you recognize a burned-out hippie?
He used to take acid, now he takes antacid.

What has three teeth and sixty feet?
The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

What is the new O.J. web site address?
slash.slash.backslash.escape

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

Do you know how you can spot Ronald McDonald on the beach?
He is the only one with sesame seed buns.

[squawkers7]

Q: How many Actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
A: One, but 500 auditioned for the part.


Q: How many Anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them.


Q: How many Atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists can't see the light anyway.


Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't, he declares darkness the industry standard.


Q: How many Blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1. She stands on the ladder and waits for the world to revolve around
her.


Q: How many Bureaucrats/civil servants does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while
the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.


Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the
experience.


Q: How many Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old bulb
last rites.


Q: How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really one.


Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has
burnt out.


Q: How many Computer nerds does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to screw it in, one to design the step-by-step program, and one to
design the web page about doing it.


Q: How many Conservatives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.


Q: How many Consultants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.


Q: How many Cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.


Q: How many Doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation
specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.


Q: How many Economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself
in.


Q: How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 100-one to do it and the other 99 to say that the bulb screwer does not
represent mainstream feminism in doing so.


Q: How many firefighters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three-one to do it and two to cut a hole through the roof.


Q: How many Folk musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four - One to change the bulb, and three to sing about how good the old
one was.


Q: How many Goths does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They sit in the dark.


Q: How many Gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't do that; they pass laws against burned-out bulbs, and then
they wonder why it's still so dark. Meanwhile, a lot of people get hurt
because they can't see.


Q: How many Hamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but they have to be very small.


Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just have marketing sell the burnt-out bulb as a feature.


Q: How many investment brokers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell
it before it crashes.


Q: How many Jewish Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What? And wreck my nails?


Q: How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to call the cleaning lady and two to feel guilty about it.


Q: How many Ku Klux Klansmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One hundred-one to do it and the others to stand around solemnly and
watch the old bulb burn.


Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, lawyers only screw us.


Q: How many Mimes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Mimes only pretend to change the bulb.


Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a
surprising twist at the end.


Q: How many Philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Why does it need changing?


Q: How many poets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to curse the darkness and one to light a candle.


Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. But it takes a long time, and the bulb has to really want to
change.


Q: How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: How many do *you* think it takes?


Q: How many Quantum Mechanicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new
bulb.


Q: How many Real Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark


Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only screw the poor.


Q: How many Schizophreniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of us


Q: How many Social workers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just write a book called "Coping with Darkness".


Q: How many surgeons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They would wait for a suitable doner and do a filament transplant.


Q: How many system administrators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just deny everyone access to the room.

[FlyingBurritoBro]

I got a knock knock joke but someone else has to start it.

[BrideOfLibertine]

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines!
Scary! I actually find remarkable humor in that joke!

[BrideOfLibertine]

I got a knock knock joke but someone else has to start it.Alrighty:

knock knock

"I'm way too gullible...go ahead insult me...make me regret starting this" *sigh* My curiosity gets the best of me. I can take it!!!!!!!!!!!! ;o) Or was that the actual joke?

[crummyrummy]

I wanna play:
WHO's THERE?

[Libertine]

Your

[Steeros]

A man walks into a psychiatrists wearing nothing but a pair of cling film boxer shorts. The shrink says 'I can clearly see your nuts'

[Steeros]

Q: What's the difference between 'light' and 'hard'

A: You can get to sleep with a light on

[FlyingBurritoBro]

Alrighty:

knock knock

"I'm way too gullible...go ahead insult me...make me regret starting this" *sigh* My curiosity gets the best of me. I can take it!!!!!!!!!!!! ;o) Or was that the actual joke?You're really cute when you get all selfconcious...

[FlyingBurritoBro]

Three nuns were at confession. The first says "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I have touched a man's penis." Priest says "Wash your hands in the fountain of Holy water." Second nun says, "forgive me... I've had sex with a man." Priest says "maybe you should SIT in the fountain." Third nun says "Mind if I go first? I gotta gargle..."

[luvndrumn]

A young woman from New York City was driving through a remote part of Oklahoma when her car broke down. An Indian came riding by on horseback and offered to give her a lift to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride into town was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a loud whoop that echoed back from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in Bartlesville, he let her off at the local Phillips 66 service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."

[PriceCheck]

Guy and girl go on a first date and they drive out to a secluded place to get it on. Just as he's unzipping his pants she says:

"I probably should have told you this before, but I'm actually a prostitute, and I charge $30 for sex."

He's unsettled by this, but reluctantly pays her and they have a good ol' sweaty romp. After they're done their ciggies he stretches back in his seat, folds his arms behind his head, and sighs. The girl asks him why he's just sitting there and he says:

"I probably should have told you this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $35..."

[FlyingBurritoBro]

Three guys in a hot tub, naked. All of a sudden, a pager goes off. One guy says "excuse me, but I need to answer this. " Comes back, and the third guy says "Where you hidin' a pager? We're naked in a hot tub" First guys says "Well, my pager is so important to my buisness I had it implanted in my body. That way it's always on me." They sit for a while longer and they hear a cell phone go off. Second guy says "Excuse me, I need to take this." Comes back and the third guy says "Implant?" "Yeah. I thought it was a great idea..." By now the third guy is feeling electronically challenged, so he starts thinkin'. He says, "Excuse me for a few minutes, guys." He gets out of the hot tub and goes to the bathroom. He comes back out with a piece of TP hanging out his ass-crack shouting "Whoa, Guys! SOMEONE'S gettin' a fax!"

[bedlam]

A couple of hunters are out shooting pigs when one of them suddenly falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other bloke whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services.

“My friend is dead! What can I do?” he asks the operator.

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Now just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot. The bloke comes back on the line.

He says: “OK, now what?"

[crummyrummy]

A hungry African lion came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

[newo]

Have you heard the new Jewish rapper? Ice Berg!

Have you heard the new Muslim rapper? Ice Kareem!

[crummyrummy]

How do you make anti-freeze?
Take away her blanket.

[FlyingBurritoBro]

A man walking on a beach in Cali found a lamp, and when he rubbed it a ginnie popped out. He was granted a wish (just one). He thought, and finally told the ginnie "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii. But I'm terrified of flying. And I'm even more afraid of boats. So I'd like a bridge built to Hawaii so I can drive. The ginnie is furious! He says "Do you have any idea what you're asking? I mean, the concrete alone would be... and the steel! the asphalt! You gotta come up with something else! No Way!" So the guy thinks... and finally says "Ginnie, I've never been good with girls. Never had any luck with them. And I think it's cuz I don't understand them. So I'd like to understand women. That's my wish." And the ginnie says "That bridge. You thinkin' four or six lanes..."

[crummyrummy]

A man is a bus driver on Sesame Street and insists on meeting all of his riders. At the first stop, two overweight women got on the bus; both are named Patty. At the next stop, a mentally challenged boy named Ross got on. At the final stop, a disgusting man named Lester Freeze got on, took off his shoes, and picked at his bunions.

When the bus driver got home, his wife asked him if he met anyone new that day. He said, "Two obese Patties, special Ross; Lester Freeze picks his bunions on a Sesame Street bus."

[FlyingBurritoBro]

Roy Rogers was on the trail, camped in the mountains when a mountian lion came into camp and stole his brand new cowboy boots. He tracked the animal and eventually found the boots destroyed. Gnawed to a frazzle. He proceeded on the most grueling animal hunt the west had ever seen. Six weeks of torturous tracking. One day he shot the lion, and drug his carcass back to town. When he got there, Dale came up to him and asked "Pardon me Roy. Is that the cat that chewed the new shoes?"

[db3695]

Not originally mine but now I claim them as such....

What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?

We really do taste like chicken.

[db3695]

Why did the redneck cross the road?

Cause his dick was still in the chicken!

hahahaha.......

[TheMistress]

A duck walks into a corner store at 3 in the afternoon, he walks up to the clerk and says,

"Ya got any duck food?"

The clerk replies,

"we don't carry duck food here".

So the duck leaves. The next day at 3 o'clock the duck enters the same store again, walks up to the clerk and says:

"Ya got any duck food?"

The clerk says,

"listen, I told you YESTERDAY that we dont have any fucking duck food, so dont come back."

The duck leaves.

At 3 o'clock the next day, the duck enters the store and says:

"YA got any duck food?"

The clerk says:

"LISTEN HERE, I TOLD YOU WE DONT HAVE ANY DUCK FOOD AND IF YOU COME BACK ILL NAIL YOUR FLAT FUCKING FEET TO THE FLOOR, YA HEAR?!"

The duck leaves.

At 3 o'clock the following day the duck returns to the same store. He walks over to the clerk and says:

"Ya, got any nails?"

The clerk replies, "no".

The duck says,

"well in that case, You got any duck food?"

[TheMistress]

or, how bout this?

Duck walks into a hardware store, goes to a clerk and says "Got any grapes?" Clerk says no. Next day, duck walks into a hardware store, goes to the clerk and says "Got any grapes?" Clerk says no. Next day, duck walks into a hardware store. Goes up to the clerk and says "Got any grapes?" The clerk says, "If you ask me that one more time, I will nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" Next day, duck walks into a hardware store, goes to the clerk and says
"Got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any grapes?"
hey i JUST realized this.....FUCK...hey happykoala..."got any duck food?"

[newo]

A bear walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and says, "I want a beer!"
The bartender says, "Look pal, we don't serve no beers to no bears in this bar!"
The bear gets pissed off and says, "Maybe you didn't hear me right. I said I want a beer!"
Bartender replies, "Like I said, we don't serve no beers to no bears in this bar!"
The bear rears up and says, "Oh yeah! You think you can talk to me like that! Let me show you something!" He looks around and sees a drunk gal sitting on a stool at the end of the bar, walks up to her and decapitates her with one swipe of his paw! He then devours her whole!
"There!" said the bear. "I think you'd better give me that beer now!"
Bartender says, "For the last time, we don't serve no beers to no bears in this bar! Especially bears on drugs!"
"On drugs! What the hell you mean on drugs!"
"That was a BAR BITCH YOU ATE!"

[crummyrummy]

A Panda walks into a restaurant and orders the Chef Salad and a glass
of wine. Upon finishing his meal, he pulls out an Uzi and fires at everything
in sight, virtually destroying the establishment.
The owner, hearing the gunfire, comes running
from the kitchen."Hey! Why did you go and shoot up my restaurant, man?"
"I'm not a man, I'm a Panda,"calmly answers the Panda.
"So you're a Panda," yells the proprietor,"what right does that give you
to destroy my business?"
"Look it up in the dictionary...I gotta go,"replies the Panda, who then strolls
out of the restaurant.Fumbling under the bar, the owner finds a dictionary,
thumbs through the P's until he finds: Panda,a white and black bearlike
animal of asia; eats shoots and leaves.

[FlyingBurritoBro]

A giant talking snail went to a Chevy dealership and payed cash for a Z-28 Camero. The salesman was suprised, but he helped the snail as he would anyone, it being the policy of the dealership to not descriminate regardless of where in zoology a customer might fall. The snail LOVED the car. But since he was the worlds only driving snail, he wanted his car personalised a little. "Do you think we could change the "Z" in Z-28 to "S" for snail? "Of course, sir." And so it was. And a very happy snail sped away from the dealership, squalling tires and sliding sideways thru intersections, and generally moving like a bat outta hell. Two old men were sitting on a bus stop bench when he went by them, and one looked at the other and said "WOW! Did you see that S-car go?"

[crummyrummy]

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would
always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon,
as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to
find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw
together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The
doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and
exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied
the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

[FlyingBurritoBro]

Remember a while back? The John and Lorena Bobbitt thing, when she cut off his root 'cuz he beat her up? In the news, they told us all about how he woke up after she did the deed, and she ran out of the house. jumped in the car, and as she drove away she threw "it" out the window... Well, there was more to the story they didn't tell you... You see, two old men were behind her in a station wagon, and it flew back and hit the windshield. The one riding shotgun looked at the driver and said "Did you see the dick on that bug!"

[crummyrummy]

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his
home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll
just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's
served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the
hubcap?" The waiter sings, "Theres no plate like chrome for the
hollandaise!"

[bedlam]

Three ducks walked into a bar.

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What
else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.

He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all
day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said,

"So, you must be Louie?"



"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

[crummyrummy]

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine
during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

[newo]

Another bear walks into a bar, this time it's a saloon in the wild west, walks up to the bartender and says, "I want a beer!"
The bartender says, "Look pal, we don't serve no beers to no bears in this bar!"
The bear gets pissed off and says, "Maybe you didn't hear me right. I said I want a beer!"
Bartender replies, "Like I said, we don't serve no beers to no bears in this bar!", pulls out a pistol and shoots the bear in the foot! The bear runs out of the bar roaring in pain!
A week later the bear comes back to the saloon dressed in black with two six-guns at his side. The place goes dead quiet. The bear approaches the bar slowly with fire in his eyes, his spurs going kaching! kaching! He sees it's a different bartender this time. He looks him square in the eye and says,
"I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw!"

[luvndrumn]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss, I no come workie today, I rearrie sick. I got headache, stomachache and my regs hurt. I no come work."

The boss says, "You know, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel that way, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that, ok?"

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.

"Boss, I so excided! I do what you say. I feer great! No worry. I be work soon! You got rearrie nice house!!!"

[bedlam]

Three men stood before a judge on a charge of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park.

Judge: "What were you doing?"

1st man: "Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond."

Judge: "And what were you doing?"

2nd man: "I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too."

Judge: "Sounds harmless. And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?"

3rd man: "No, Sir. I am Peanuts!"

[FlyingBurritoBro]

Three men were drinking beers together in a bar one evening, and thru the course of the conversation discovered each had been assigned the grim task of disposing of thier best friends ashes in a fitting way. The first man said "Me and my buddy like to sky-dive. So I thought I'd take him up to ten grand, trail his ashes out as I freefall, and then we'd have one last jump together." They all agreed that would be a fitting way to dispose of his ashes. The second says "My buddy and I liked to backpack. So I thought I'd plan a week long hike by myself, and at intervals pour some of his ashes out, so he'd become part of the trail and we'd have one more hike together." And they all agreed that would be a fitting way to dispose of his ashes. And the third man said "Me and my buddy were partners. And I though I'd make his ashes into a big pot of five alarm chili. That way the next morning he could tear my ass up one last time!"

[FrozenMoonbeam]

here's some off the NZ forum...http://www.hipforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=82295

[nesta]

this joke doesnt lend itself well to typing, but i'll try my best....

what do you call a fish with no eye?

FSSSSSSSHHHH!!!!!

[TheLizardQueen]

what do you call a constipated German?

a far-from-poopin'

[Insomniac_devi]

Q: How do you make a pound of fat look good?

A: Put a nipple on it.

[bedlam]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In
his highly, aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next
30 years,with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new
clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in
a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going
through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the
age of 55, he'd be able to find work.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed 30 years of deposits
and interest totaling nearly $1 million.
Then, she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were
worth over $3 million.
She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for sex,these
holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and
investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
husband was so astounded

he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,

"If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my
business!"


THAT'S WHEN SHE SHOT HIM!

[FlyingBurritoBro]

A man was lying on his deathbed, gasping his last, speaking to his wife who was sitting beside him. He said "I'm so ashamed of myself for the way I've treated you." She patted him and told him not to worry. He said " All these years we've been married, you've stood beside me, and I've repaid you with nothing but deceit". She told him it was okay. He said "For the past 30 years I've had many affairs, including one with your sister" She said she already knew, and it was okay. "You knew?" "Of course. That's why I poisoned you."

[bedlam]

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. Thefirst old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking formywife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking formy wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What doesshelook like?"

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair,blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What doesyour wife look like?"


To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look foryours."

[FlyingBurritoBro]

Two sisters with Alzhiemers were getting ready to go out when one says "Darn! I forgot my pocketbook upstairs!" The second sister replied "We've got an upstairs?"

[FlyingBurritoBro]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by
saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this
display of emotion, nervously watching as Bush sits, head in hands.

Finally, Bush looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

[TheLizardQueen]

What do you call a black guy with a medical degree?





















a Doctor, you racist!

[bedlam]

You know you're getting old when ...













happy hour becomes an afternoon nap

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[bedlam]

Junior asks his Dad, "Daddy, how was I born?" His Dad sighs and replies,"Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button. Six week