I get totally out of control

[headymoechick]

Most of the time I am smarter and saner than average. I think clearly and logically and can handle a lot. I breeze through most problems. And then sometimes, I just lose it. I act like a crazy person. I'm violent. I want to hurt others and myself. I throw things and scream. I say things that don't make sense. And then when I calm down, I am so ashamed, confused and guilty feeling that I go into a very depressed state.

What the fuck is my problem? Today was going fine- just fine. I had no reason to flip. I told my ex to walk up to the house and meet me for lunch. He misunderstood me or didn't hear me and when I went home with my boss's car, he wasn't there. So I drove down the street to pick him up. I was mean about him not listening. then I said that I didn't have time to eat with him. That wasn't true, but I felt like I had no time. He defended himself a few times and I freaked out on him.

How do I get this to stop. I CANNOT live like this. I refuse. What do I do to figure out why this happens and what do I do to control myself? Why do I lose the logical thought process, and how do I prevent it from happening?

[joker]

I've been tryin to control violent acts for a while. I've even tried to control my personalities. Some people end up finding a way to get things straightend out in a positive manner, most of us never suceed. are u in therapy? i've been in and out of it my whole life and nothing has changed. i'm begining to think there's no way I change my destructive thoughts are ways of thinking. soomeone told me one thing u can do to a human that's got destructive outburst is brainwash them. My advice to you is to see a therapist. This is not an insult. Good luck with getting things straight.

[headymoechick]

I have no health insurance or money to see a doctor and I have been in therapy and medicated before and it obviously didn't work. I would be willing to go again, but not if it will put me in debt.

I feel so shitty. I can control so many things in my life but once I lose it, I totally go off. I made a total ass out of myself earlier. I'm going to end up alone.

[Peanuts]

I'm not trying to preach and PLEASE don't take this the wrong way. The more you party the more your "issues" are going to get out of control. When you party your throwing off your chemical imbalance. Even when you go a day or two and don't party it's all still in your system and it makes it harder to deal with emotions and stressfull shit.

Joker was right. There is a way you can talk yourself out of those "moments". I've done it many times. I've also gone to therapist, doctors, checked myself in to a mental ward, rehab, etc.....I've had a long fight with depression and anger issues. Stress just feeds those damn rages.

Medicine does help to balance stuff out. What about going to your Doctor and start there. There are also free clinics to help with Depression. There is probably a hotline in your phone book for your area.

At least you recognize you have a problem and that you need to fix it. That's the first step. The next big step is to take action. Maybe change a few things that your doing.

When I get in that "mood" and I having a disagreement with Bill I started telling him that I need a few minutes or I'll say something I will regret. I've tried to stop myself before I let myself get out of control. If you start doing something like that and let your EX know that your trying to not let your anger get the best of you maybe he'll respect that and give you a moment to collect your thoughts. He might even appreciate it.

Hang in there Sweetie. :)

[headymoechick]

I agree with the partying, but I work so hard I tell myself " I deserve this" or " I need a break and some relaxation"

I justify it and it's not right. I also don't have ANYONE around me that will support and help me quit drinking and taking so many mind fucking drugs.

Also, it has to do with female probs, which I forgot about. Can you read the thread in positive mental attitude, Peanuts?

Like I said, I've changed so many things in my life. I am so much better off than I was a year ago. I should have been locked up a year ago. I have accomplished so much and yet I can't stop myself from flipping out. :(

I told Erik right before it happened, "i'm getting in one of my moods again"

he reacted like "here we go again" and it made me even madder.

It's hard for me to treat him like an ex when most of the time we act as if the love is still there, but when it's not, he wants nothing to do with me. It's hard. I know it's my fault, but it still sucks.

[Peanuts]

It's freaking hard to change when all the people around you are acting crazy. It makes it all the more tempting to just say Fuck it I deserve this. I've told myself that many times. Once in a blue moon I still do AND it never helps my head (I'm a nut, remember?lol)

We'll I understand why that made you even madder. It's embarrasing to have to deal with the extreme highs & lows. It's even more embarrasing to have to deal with it in front of others. (Having children I'm constantly on display and I hate it when my children see me in a bad mood) BUT can you kind of understand why Erik might of said that? This is the part where you start to train yourself to think differently, respond differently. Like instead of getting madder stop yourself and say "Your right". Not only will it shock him but eventually it will help let your defenses down. Erik probably saw the storm coming before the words slipped his mouth.

Bill has seen it before too. When I have let myself agree with him I become calmer, he becomes calmer and we talk instead of argue. I've been able to open up my mind and see things the way he might be seeing it. It's not easy to do but it's not impossible. He has also agreed with me a few times about things that he might be doing that are upsetting.