mania and repeating the same mistakes

[joker]

i have two poles/personalities, whatever ya wanna call it. mania and depression. as u know there is nothing positive about depression. some of the traits that come with my depression are:worthless, suicidal thoughts, sorrow, isolation, shy. here are the positive traits of mania: friendliness, sociable, psychotic, laughing constantly. negative traits of mania: homicidal thoughts, anger, hatred. i sometimes skip out on my meds so i can feel mania. i stay up all night when i don't take them and take the risk of feeling both the positive or negative traits of mania. i like the positive traits of mania, but the only problem i have with them is i scare people off when i'm in that state of mind. right now i'm thinking of saying fuck everyone and giving up on trying to make friends. i can't seem to learn from my mistakes only repeat them over. i feel like the people that tell me they're my friends try to manipulate me with alcohol. that could just be a form of paranoia, but i don't like the way some of them talk about women. they say such shit like, "i wanna get some pussy from this bitch tonight." it sounds really ignorant to me. sex isn't everything. it seems to me the only tru friends i have are my philosophy books. anyone got any advice about my situation?

[wideyed]

hey dude, ive read alot of your posts and when theyre manic, theyre pretty damn interesting. i only respond because your trains of thought are a lot like mine were. i was never diagnosed, but i think i had it pretty bad when i was younger - like 16 to 21 or so. I remember coming out of the childhood fog and thinking something along the lines of "what the fuck? look at this world i live in! nothings what it seems, everyones lying to themselves, i dont wanna be a part of it". i came pretty close to shooting my parents to save them from themselves, and i did end up doing something else that got me thrown in jail for two years, that i rationalised with philosophy. not every road gone down in a philosophy book is one you should be on. so i dont have any magical answers, but i do kind of know where i went wrong, and like i said, i identify with your thinking.

so my feeble advice? not much right now. get yourself some positive and satisfying reading material. hard to find really - trajedy is so effing popular. Khalil gibrans 'the prophet' comes to mind. i bet you could get a list happening in the book forum. oh - the life of insects by victor pelevin is a good read - its kind of bittersweet, but its not too negative at least.

i never had anyone to ask for advise either (still dont really) and i really couldve used some back then.

nothing is ever going to be perfect. utopianism (to me) is unrealistic. you just have to get yourself to a spot in life that you can be satisfied with. now that said, maybe you could do a stint on a communal farm somewhere. planning for something and getting out of the city for a while might be good for ya. i dont know what your cash flow is like, but if youre creative you could still get it done.

i wish i had been fed more meds so i could say something about them. but i dont really know anything at all. I'm on 150mg of effexor right now - its doing me some good id say. ive been on for 5 wks now. fuck do i wake up early though.

dont flame me too hard.

[rubicon]

I go through periods like you describe. As corny as it sounds, I try to channel my energies towards things I CAN control (ie. reading/informing myself, taking care of my body etc.)... I'm also trying to take up meditation to calm myself down when I'm sort of 'manic'....I don't know if I have bipolar...or if I do it's pretty mild. I treasure the manic phases...I never feel so productive!!!