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[Ramblin' Man]

Hello all. Just wanted some feedback on this poem I wrote yesterday in school. Here we go...

"The Levee"
Staying in this world of Shadows
No where to call my own
Each carriage turned a blind eye
I'm left lying in those overgrown medows

You came along and held my hand
And with your smile whiped my souls rain
Held me close, and gave me that man made pain
That makes me want to proclaim to the land

Your dress dried up the muddy patches
Until all in my world was clean and clear
You made this Levee that swallows my fear
And make me worry about Loves unlocking latches
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Tear it up.

[TrippinBTM]

"The Levee"
Staying in this world of Shadows
No-where to call my own
Each carriage turned a blind eye
I'm left lying in those overgrown medows

You came along and held my hand
And with your smile whiped my souls rain
Held me close, and gave me that man made pain
That madkes me want to proclaim to the land

Your dress dried up the muddy patches
Until all in my world was clean and clear
You made this Levee that sallows my fear
And make me worry about Loves unlocking latches

First, you need to run a spell check on this.

Second, you didn't rhyme the first stanza, but did the next two. That's not consistent.

Third, the last line in the second stanza is a forced rhyme, it doesn't say anything useful (proclaim what?) and is just there to complete your rhyme. Some of the other rhymes sound a bit forced too. It should sound natural, rather than contrived.

And what do you mean "sallows your fear"? You mean swallows? Because levees don't swallow things... and how does a carriage turn a blind eye?

Now, that may sound pretty critical, I hope you take it as being constructive; that's how I intend it. I like the main thrust of this poem, the ideas and images, but the structure (and spelling!) needs some tweaking.

Oh, and welcome to the forums! I take it you're an Allman Brothers fan? I used that "ramblin' man" in my screenname too, as you can see ;) If you've never seen them live, you haven't really lived: they're amazing.

[Ramblin' Man]

Hey man thanks for the critiques. Yea I've never been to much of a speller lol. And yes I'm a huge Allman Brothers fan. I saw them a live a few years back with my dad and I'm seeing them again this summer.