Trying not to lose a friend

[Owen]

Hello everyone,
I am brand new to the forum, just found you all tonight. I have a little bit of a dilema that is really bothering me, deeply. I know its a lot of reading, but I just needed to get this stuff out. My very best friend in the world is the exact guy that I would like to be dating. I mean I don't think that there is anyone in the world more perfect for me. I feel so vibrant and so alive when I am around him that it almost hurts. Here is the dilema. I am a US Marine and so is he. He recently got out of the Marine Corps where we were great friends the whole time (3 1/2 years). Once he got out I told him about me. He was completely ok with it and was asking me very interesting questions. He was very interested, but says that he is not gay. One other thing that bothers me is that when I told him he said well you must not have been interested in me or you would have made a move by now. I brushed it off, but I feel that I should have told him how much he means to me. It has been several months since I told him and we are still the best of friends. In fact he finds it absolutely hilarious to have such a deep inside joke with me and finds it necessary to giggle and laugh my way when the opportunity strikes. Man looking into his eyes when he does it is like watching stars burst. I don't know what I would do if I lost his friendship. It feels like my life would end (I'm not suicidal). But I want him to know how I feel and I would like to "mess around" with him a little to see if he likes it. I have not asked him if he is willing to mess around and that is my question to you all. His arguement is that it just doesn't seem right, but it still doesn't seem right to me, I just know it is and the way he is to me seems like he could be at least bisexual. I would rather keep this bottled inside then lose our friendship. But at the same time I think that he is a good enough friend that he would just say no, man and that would be the end of it. I just can't lose him, even if its from a distance I will always love him weither he loves me the same way or not.

Thank you all for listening who did. I just needed to let it out ;)

[SageDreamer]

It sounds like the guy is not interested, and that one reason the friendship is still there is because he doesn't think you'd ever try anything with him.

[carebears]

hes a good friend first you should ask him if you can give him head even if hes straight he'll go for that! and yeah make it like a joke kinda just in case it goes bad, and if you two are that good of friends i dont think you saying you like him will hurt that friendship be honest, do it in person no phone no email be direct and say yeah i like you, or i am really really horny and i want to play lol! hope things go well!

[jungee]

I'm not sure what I'd do, this situation has never happened to me..but the thing is even if you friend turned out to be bi, it doesn't mean he would necessarly want to experiment with you. His style can be something different, so try flirting with him and see what he responds to.

[txbarefooter]

I'd go with what carebears said .. If the situation arose, kinda make it like a joke... something like "I could give you head that'll blow your mind". say it with a joking smile, that way you could pass it off as just joking around.

[carebears]

i think that you should be serious if you ask him but if he acts kinda weird then smile and start to joke or laugh and say i am just kidding bro! but yeah i think that he might not be intrested in you then again he might, just flirt a bit dont come on so strong though. idk i have never had that problem i wait for someone to flirt with me to know that i wont get embarrassed but idk so yeah bye huns!

[vimmeroony]

if i were you i wouldn't risk it.

some people might dislike me fo saying this, but there are other people out there that you will fall for - so i reckon you (or anyoe) shouldn't risk a great friendship for something more that you're not sure is there.

I had a similar exprience with a friend of mine. I told him about my sexuality, he was - and still is - okay with it.. he asked a few questions, so much to the point that i was sure he was bi. We spent so much time together that some people even thought we were in a relationship.
And, in retrospect, i'm glad i didnt try anything on him because i know things just wouldnt be the same - even if things went the way i wanted.

Friendships are just as important, if not more so, than passionate relationships.

[Owen]

Thank you all so much for responding. I understand that it would be awful to lose his friendship. But the more I think about it the more I know that he wouldn't end it over something like that. Plus its killing me inside not knowing. He may say no way, but at least I will know and I can stop thinking about it if I have to. I definitely have the whole thing planned to turn into a joke. It was pretty funny the other day he made a reference to sucking a dick. Kinda like, "hey ass, go suck a dick" Then he kinda looked at me funny and said o, yea, wait... then we both started laughing cause I gave him that look like yea, you gonna provide one. He's always saying things like that giving me the wrong signals. Or maybe the right ones and he just wants me to say something first. I just recently became ok with my sexuality, it may just be taking him longer. Denial is a bitch...

O yea, and I think that I would be satisfied giving him head. He's so damn cute and I have definitely snuck a peak when we were showering one time. Wo...

Anyway, thanks so much. ;)

[Owen]

Here's a pic of him. Man he drives me crazy...

http://www.vaxc.org/gallery/albums/album47/Nate.jpg

[Snowdancer]

He's a cutie!

Here's a pic of him. Man he drives me crazy...

http://www.vaxc.org/gallery/albums/album47/Nate.jpg

[vimmeroony]

Thank you all so much for responding. I understand that it would be awful to lose his friendship. But the more I think about it the more I know that he wouldn't end it over something like that. Plus its killing me inside not knowing. He may say no way, but at least I will know and I can stop thinking about it if I have to. I definitely have the whole thing planned to turn into a joke. It was pretty funny the other day he made a reference to sucking a dick. Kinda like, "hey ass, go suck a dick" Then he kinda looked at me funny and said o, yea, wait... then we both started laughing cause I gave him that look like yea, you gonna provide one. He's always saying things like that giving me the wrong signals. Or maybe the right ones and he just wants me to say something first. I just recently became ok with my sexuality, it may just be taking him longer. Denial is a bitch...

O yea, and I think that I would be satisfied giving him head. He's so damn cute and I have definitely snuck a peak when we were showering one time. Wo...

Anyway, thanks so much. ;)
Well, you do know him better than any of us do, so as long you feel comfortable doing it, then go for it! Complete 180 on what i said before, but i guess i thought about it more after this post, and if you believe that it won't ruin the friendship, then why miss out.

I guess the pic changed my mind too, haha.

[Owen]

yea, and if you knew his personality you would find him absolutely irresistable, like I do. Plus he's single and every time I ask him when he's getting a woman he always says, "ehh, I'm not really into that right now." Either he's playing with me or he's just waiting for me to say something. So really there is no alternative to me asking him. At least it will be off my mind either way... Or on my mind :p

Hey thanks everyone for giving me some confidence boost. Even if this was more of a rant than anything, it still helps. He's also the first person that I have ever talked about it seriously with. He listens and definitely is always telling me to find someone. I'm like I don't know how and he says you'd be surprised who's out there.

Dammit I know he's messing with my head.... (Bof of 'em):D

But seriously thanks...

[hopelessgayromantic]

well i think that you should tell him definitly and i also want to know are you usually the guy or the girl? because i mean like i think it would be hard to be with him if your both masculine! but if your femme i dont think it would really matter unless he likes doing one thing and wont do the other for anyone. me and my baby are a good combination like i like to take care of him and he likes to be taken care of. and yeah if you need any advice you can hit me up on pm or w/e. and my bf is the cutest guy and hes like the best kisser too wow anyways. you need to hurry up and tell him i want to here the results and what do you look like? i could tell you if you two look like a couple lol!

[Disarm]

he sounds interested.. i say this as my best friend decided she liked me.. some things are spookily similar.. is he a bit different physically? like a bit awkward around you? some people are when they like someone.. I'm thinking tell him seriously but play it down so you can still be mates if hes not into it? Then you'll have an answer and it might not damage the relationship... Just a thought

[Stalkz]

he says you'd be surprised who's out there.
I'm almost certain that he's talking about himself.

I wish you'd post a followup of how it went already..

[Owen]

I'm so sorry that I haven't gotten back to you all. So here's the update. I am sad to report that I have not found the balls to ask him yet. I even threw it out there this past weekend, I said to him as we were going to do some landscaping work, "I've got something I want to say but now's not the time, I'll ask you later" He said, "You're going to make me wait, thats not cool" So later on he asked me and I just said, "Eh, I don't really know if it would be appropriate to ask." I don't know what I was thinking, he asked me like 2 more times that day what it was and finally he let it go, but at least its out there that I have something to say. It totally sucks, I have no reason not to ask him. I know inside that if he says no, we will still be friends, I just don't want to risk it. But, I am. The weekend after the next I am going to see him again and I will undoubtedly ask him. Its beating me up inside and I'm done worrying about it.

To answer the other question about masculinity. We are both definitely masculine 100% (to a point) Blue and Purple are his and my favorite colors and sometimes we enjoy a glass of wine together which is something that 2 hetero males would never do. We both played football in high school and both are former Marines, so trust me the masculinity is high, but I don't think that will be a problem, although when we play basketball we both get kind of heated and end up beating the crap out of each other, but I like getting/beating people up and rough housing, so its all good. I promise that the next post from me will be the result in this on-going saga.

Later...

[RxHEAD]

I'm so sorry that I haven't gotten back to you all. So here's the update. I am sad to report that I have not found the balls to ask him yet. I even threw it out there this past weekend, I said to him as we were going to do some landscaping work, "I've got something I want to say but now's not the time, I'll ask you later" He said, "You're going to make me wait, thats not cool" So later on he asked me and I just said, "Eh, I don't really know if it would be appropriate to ask." I don't know what I was thinking, he asked me like 2 more times that day what it was and finally he let it go, but at least its out there that I have something to say. It totally sucks, I have no reason not to ask him. I know inside that if he says no, we will still be friends, I just don't want to risk it. But, I am. The weekend after the next I am going to see him again and I will undoubtedly ask him. Its beating me up inside and I'm done worrying about it.

To answer the other question about masculinity. We are both definitely masculine 100% (to a point) Blue and Purple are his and my favorite colors and sometimes we enjoy a glass of wine together which is something that 2 hetero males would never do. We both played football in high school and both are former Marines, so trust me the masculinity is high, but I don't think that will be a problem, although when we play basketball we both get kind of heated and end up beating the crap out of each other, but I like getting/beating people up and rough housing, so its all good. I promise that the next post from me will be the result in this on-going saga.

Later...

I know what it is to be IN LOVE with your best friend, and dont want to come off as the Bitter Old Queen who is being hateful, only I have read this thread and it sounded so familiar to me. Too much so in fact. From what I am able to recall you have known him for some time and still to the day have not ever been intimate? I hope I am wrong, only Love is a very powerfull emotion and when you fall in love with your best friend and just came out, most likely he does not share the same level of feelings for you as you do for him.

I havent seen his picture because the situation is obvious. You appear to be in love with him and that is much more to you in regards to dating someone or 'messing around' with him. If you do value the friendship and want for it to remain healthy then I would begin to look around and not wait around for the friend who you are in love with. I have been in this exact situation.

Love causes people only to see some aspects of the other person and not the obvious. He in my opinion would have already approached you long ago if he had feelings of more than friendship. If he says that he is not Gay then I would say that he is telling you the truth. So easy to lie to ourselves when in love and be in DENIAL ourselves taht the chemistry of romance is only existance in the aspect of 'love goggles' much like 'beer goggles'.

I can say from experience that if you are indeed as it sounds in love with him, even scenerio, if you were to give him head or have some type of sexual contact even if he would say to be bisexual your friendship would forever change post ejaculation. What in my experience in this was, one sided feelings of the act of being an act of love and while your friend even if he did agree does not sound much like it would have the same 'special' meaning to him as it would for you. More than likely if her were to give in and 'experiment' now after knowing each other for 3 1/2 years, and in all that time no contact on any sexual level or more than joking. Your friendship is totally destined to crash and burn.

If He to say got all horny and stuff and even approached you before you even asked him to mess around. the aftermath ends up being tense and different for the duration of the friendship. I dont know as you said "this is a never ending saga" and if it were to be it would have been and love is not supposed to be this complex and difficult. If after the years is this difficult to simply have casual oral sex, then try as hard as it may be to start looking around for another guy to fall for and at the same time keep a friend. i hope I am wrong. Just think about it. Wish you the best no matter how it turns out or happens. Peace rx

[SkeeterVT]

Hello everyone,
I am brand new to the forum, just found you all tonight. I have a little bit of a dilema that is really bothering me, deeply. I know its a lot of reading, but I just needed to get this stuff out. My very best friend in the world is the exact guy that I would like to be dating. I mean I don't think that there is anyone in the world more perfect for me. I feel so vibrant and so alive when I am around him that it almost hurts. Here is the dilema. I am a US Marine and so is he. He recently got out of the Marine Corps where we were great friends the whole time (3 1/2 years). Once he got out I told him about me. He was completely ok with it and was asking me very interesting questions. He was very interested, but says that he is not gay. One other thing that bothers me is that when I told him he said well you must not have been interested in me or you would have made a move by now. I brushed it off, but I feel that I should have told him how much he means to me. It has been several months since I told him and we are still the best of friends. In fact he finds it absolutely hilarious to have such a deep inside joke with me and finds it necessary to giggle and laugh my way when the opportunity strikes. Man looking into his eyes when he does it is like watching stars burst. I don't know what I would do if I lost his friendship. It feels like my life would end (I'm not suicidal). But I want him to know how I feel and I would like to "mess around" with him a little to see if he likes it. I have not asked him if he is willing to mess around and that is my question to you all. His arguement is that it just doesn't seem right, but it still doesn't seem right to me, I just know it is and the way he is to me seems like he could be at least bisexual. I would rather keep this bottled inside then lose our friendship. But at the same time I think that he is a good enough friend that he would just say no, man and that would be the end of it. I just can't lose him, even if its from a distance I will always love him weither he loves me the same way or not.

Thank you all for listening who did. I just needed to let it out ;)
I've gone though the experience of falling in love with a best friend who was straight. There is nothing more frustrating than to fall in love with someone whose sexual orientation is the opposite of your own.

Don't even THINK of asking him if he's "willing to mess around" with you. If he's exclusively straight, he's going to turn you down flatter than a pancake -- and that will surely put a strain on your friendship.

Face reality: He's straight. You can't have him. Accept it and move on. If you don't, you'll eventually endure a lot of grief. Believe me, I've been there. It's not worth it.

-- Skeeter

[Owen]

Not to say that I don't appreciate all the views, but damn people, you all convince me to convince myself to ask him and now I am totally convinced that I shouldn't even think about it. Thats it I'm done. I'm sorry for all that have been following this post, but there is no way I am going to ask him. It will change the friendship no matter which way the answer goes. I fucking hate being gay, but love it at the same time. No matter what, every guy that I meet or date is going to get compared to him. The only problem is, I have never seen anyone come even close to being more perfect for me than him. My motivation to find a guy is 0. I'm sure I could go anywhere to have casual sex, but thats not what I care about. I don't even care about sex, I just want someone to hold and confide 100%. I guess I'm destined to not have that in my distant future. For all that have found security, I envy you. Being able to share your deepest thoughts and emotions with someone is the single most important thing in life. Humans weren't meant to keep things like this bottled up, it messes with the mind. Fucking society needs get with the program and figure out that not everyone is straight and those that aren't shouldn't feel oppressed. Screw slavery, I'm a slave to my thoughts everyday. I'd take a whip over these emotions any day.

[dmgreen]

Owen, fallow your heart it will lead you in the right direction. Don't let other peoples opinions ruin what you might have done. I am not saying do it or don't do it, all I am saying is that you need to stop and really think hard about it, if your heart tells you to go ask him, then do it. You only live once, and you shouldn't have to live in regret.
Good luck sweetie! I hope you find your security soon! :)
HUGS~

[vimmeroony]

dmgreen, you are so right.

[Owen]

I'll find my way. I'm not mad at anyone (including myself). I just wish it was easier. Life itself isn't easy as it is and for fate to throw this at us on top of the normal riggers is like spitting on a guy after you hit him in the face and he's on the ground. Its just not right. The worse part right now is that I am in the military, once I get out and don't have to hide my feelings anymore, it will all be better. My life got so much better when I actually was able to tell my best friend my dark deep secret. I felt liberated. If that happens when telling one person, I can't wait until more people find out. I know they all will be totally shocked, because I am next to impossible to peg out as gay. Which, in a way makes it impossible for me to attract other gay guys. I mean I see the signs when looking at other people and can usually guess when someones gay, the only problem is that I am not into (for lack of a better word) flamming men. I have nothing against it, but if I wanted that I'd be with a woman. I'm only 22 and have plenty of time left to find what I am looking for. I almost hate that I met someone like Nate, he's too damn cute, funny, spontaneous and into the same things as me. I think I will just beat around the bush with him and see what happens. I'm not going to come out directly and say do you want a blowjob, but maybe a little flirting. If I sense resistance I'll leave it alone. I remember one time back when I was maybe 17. I became good friends with this guy Mike, another cutie. Blonde hair, blue eyes, nice body, really in touch with himself (not self-centered). One day he was introducing me to someone and he grabbed my hand and started to walk with me. After about 10-15 seconds I pulled my hand away and was like, dude what are you doing. He just kind of staired at me with this long face and then went about what he was doing. I am 100% gay and I pulled my hand away from a hottie that was holding it. What was I thinking. Geesh, I guess I'll figure this gay thing out soon enough. :)

[dmgreen]

I wish you the best Owen!!! :) and keep us posted!

[Curious Mutation]

I read part of your post and was reminded of what "Da Bruce" once said, "Never love anything that doesn't love you back!

[henry101]

Owen I'm not hitting on you or anything (okay, yes I am), but you and I are about the same age, and we're both fretting over lost love (or in your case, unattainable love), and also I've been in love with a friend, and trust me I know how much it sucks not to be able to say anything. I cried so much when I left this guy (I had to move, long story), but in the end I'm happy that I never said anything. Even now a year later I'm still gripped by this notion that he'll fall in love with me and we'll get back together, it's completely irrational I know, but that's just how it is.

[makihiko]

well your army guys, get REALLY REALLY REALLY drunk, throw a party or something, lol, anyways the point of the story is get really really drunk...then tell him. if he is cool with it, try real hard not to forget you told him, and tell him again when sober.

[IronGoth]

Listen, I'm not gay, but....

...why not be open and honest with the dude?

He knows you're gay, he's not enough of a homophobe to avoid seeing you. Simply phrase it as "frankly, you are a good looking guy, and if you were interested, yes I would be too. If you aren't, I'm not gonna push myself on you or otherwise harass you that way, I'm merely being factual."

Ball will then be in his court.

Be honest with people. I mean, this is gonna screw your friendship up one way or the other. Don't get him drunk, don't brush up against him in a shower, don't try some weird contrived crap.

Simply tell him how it is. "You know I'm gay, you're cool with that. And in case you were wondering in the back of your mind, though I would never force myself on you or otherwise impose on the friendship between us by making that an issue between us, if you were ever interested, for what it's worth you're a good looking guy. What that means is this. Until told otherwise, I won't look at you as a potential partner, I won't try to cop a feel or stare at you when you aren't looking or other creepy behavior, I like and respect you."

That gets stuff totally open and in the air. It gives him an option to speak his own mind if he's interested, if he isn't, he can breathe easy you're not going to try and seduce him (and you aren't.... seriously. Don't.) And you're paying him a COMPLIMENT the entire time.

[*~nathan~*]

you never know, he could be gay too

[Canada_Eh]

I'm pretty much on the opposite side of the spectrum. My best friend recently came out to me as bi, and since then I've slowly started to realize that over the years I've had similar feelings about my sexuality, but I was always pushing them aside thinking it was wrong, and swearing to myself to steer clear of those kind of thoughts. My friend and I are very close and we've known eachother since forever, and when he told he was bi, although I never expected it, I accepted him for who he was. Never had it occured to me that I might be, so that was even more of a shock. I've come to terms with it now, but I haven't come out to anyone.. it's only been a few weeks since I've realized it and I don't think I'm quite ready just now.

*edit* ..posting this felt good, despite the anonymity involved. :) I haven't told anyone yet.

[sca2007]

haha! Iv been in the EXACT situation! literally exact anyhooo, i told him alone and i was being pretty serious and stuff then i said not to worry if you think it's too weird, because i can control my emotions towards people having done so all my life. He just seemed a bit shocked and he said he was just flattered really =D good luck ...my friends been fine since!

Sam

[sca2007]

I remember one time back when I was maybe 17. I became good friends with this guy Mike, another cutie. Blonde hair, blue eyes, nice body, really in touch with himself (not self-centered). One day he was introducing me to someone and he grabbed my hand and started to walk with me. After about 10-15 seconds I pulled my hand away and was like, dude what are you doing. He just kind of staired at me with this long face and then went about what he was doing. I am 100% gay and I pulled my hand away from a hottie that was holding it. What was I thinking. Geesh, I guess I'll figure this gay thing out soon enough. :)
I do that all the time, like if a guy kisses me or even touches me (drunken or not -_-) i back away or flinch and even though i want this person to do it to me its like a gut reaction, il hopefully get used to it, im still young(15)!