it hurts

[Utopia_Erwtje]

I dont know what I want by posting this, but I just dont really know what to do... I feel so sad, so lost...
just got my diagnonsens... agoraphobia, panic/anxiety-disorder, socialfobie, eating disorder, borderline personality disorder with avoiding tendencies... my first memories are memories of a child thats really anxious and sad... makes herselfe ill, so she wouldnt have to go to school, school was to scary for her... from then to now ive been struggling against... against everything... and the thing is that most likely I will be struggling in the future too... i just want one single day without my sadness, anxiety... why cant I just be normal??? why does everything hurt so bad??? off course I have good days... I can laugh... I can enjoy myself... but I feel so empty... it hurts like hell... im always scared... now im scared of posting this, because it is stupid... but i know that you dont know me, so you cant hunt me down (i hope....)... so i just tell myself that i always can leave this forum...
tonight ive descided that i may not sleep this night... sounds stupid, maybe, but it makes me numb and sometimes i need that...
5 months ago I got out of the mental hospital... have been there for 13 months... that was hard, but ive learned a lot... i was verry paranoia and micropsychotic when I got there... I cutted myself a lot... now I havent been cutting for more then 1,5 year now... i should be proud... but I really want to hurt myself... off course i will not do it... because when people will find out, they will hate me for doing it... well, they hate me anyway... blugh... what to do with my live? will the pain ever go away???

look at me... here I am, feeling sorry for myself... but why? Ive got everything... familie, loved ones, a roof above my head, a bed to sleep in... what am i whining about???

[mariecstasy]

when it hurts inside and you havent learned to love yourself you could have everything in the world but it just wouldnt make a difference.
what do you do for yourself? what do you enjoy? do you meditate or pray or anything to calm your innards?
i know i have always struggled with my own inner battles and it sucks to hurt so bad. i wish i could give you a big hug and listen to your pains cause everyone needs friends. peace to you...look inside first. you can find your happiness there it's just really really hard and it sounds like you have more distractions trying to prevent you from it all...but it is possible.
love and positive vibes your way

[Utopia_Erwtje]

thank you verry mutch for your reply. thats really sweet. I needed that... what do I enjoy?? movies, nature, my friend Emmy (I know her from the hospital, and she's just amazing... we are the same) and I really love to wright in my diarie. but i dont wright what really happened, i wright what would have happened when i was beautiful and loved and sweet. it makes me verry happy to dream away... this way i talk to Legolas (lord of the rings) everyday, and that makes me feel special. in my dreams Jesus loves me verry much... i dont really pray, sometimes i meditate, that can help.

[mariecstasy]

i looked in your gallery, is tom your child?

[Utopia_Erwtje]

no, he is not... he is the child of my niece. i love him :)

[mariecstasy]

aw...arent kids great? i know that one of the things that have helped me to feel so much better is indeed watching my child. they are fun. at least you can give tom back though. sometimes i wish i had that luxury;)

[fulmah]

Are you in therapy or part of any support groups?

[mariecstasy]

i got to a point where as i was going through my divorce/seperation things were really really bad. i would go into work and cry from the moment i walked in until the moment that i left. it was absolutely horrible and i hated it. i wasnt able to function for my daughter or myself. i was so deep in depression that it was my only thought. all i could think is why cant i be happy. what is wrong with me?
i know it was situational, but this is actually something i have always struggled with. people wouldnt know because i am an outgoing person but inside i was dying.
i was talking to a guy while i was going through this time period. his name was dave and we would discuss alot of things. he told me that if i saught counseling or medication i wasnt weak and that i really needed to get myself together to have a quality of life and to be here for arianna. i was here every moment but my mind and spirit didnt know how to be here now....well perhaps my spirit knew but my mind was in the way. all i could do was think think think...i hated it and me and everyone and everything. it was absolutely horrible. so i finally came to the decision to go to the doctors about it. they tried me on zoloft, that made me anxious so i quit that...then they tried celexa. it really helped to line me back up and balance me. it didnt take away any of my excitement or my highs it just helped my lows not be so bad.
so i also saught counseling. i was very fortunate to have one that i really connected with and going there was actually really fun. at the same time though i started to it really reconnect with my spirit again...instead of just asking questions all the time i really began looking for them. i started meditating alot, praying, reading and thinking deeply about the things i read. i guess i was fortunate as well to find books that really spoke to me.
i saw my counselor yesterday and she told me that if i wanted to keep coming back i was more than welcome but it was up to me because she sees that i finally really love myself.
see, i took the actions to get me back...i had to really really learn alot and to unleash my little girl that was trapped in my dungeons. but she is released and i couldnt be happier. i still have bad days but i really just think..this too shall pass. cause i have really and truly learned to love myself and in that there is nothing and noone that really is unbearable to me anymore....well at least for now...hahaha

[Utopia_Erwtje]

aw...arent kids great? i know that one of the things that have helped me to feel so much better is indeed watching my child. they are fun. at least you can give tom back though. sometimes i wish i had that luxury;)
yes, kids are great. i really want to have a child, but i dont want to give it birth, i dont want to stay up all night to feed him/her, and im to scared to pick up a new born baby (im scared that i will kill it...)

how old is your child??? whats its name??

[Utopia_Erwtje]

Are you in therapy or part of any support groups?
i am in therapy... for more than 4 years now... been hospitalized for 13 months and now i have a therapy in a group at wednesday and thursday... but you can be in that group max for 6 months, and ive been there for 5,5 months now, so i have to go soon... im searching something in my town... i hope i'll find something helpfulll... but im scared i wont... cause i often feel like im on the edge of breaking down completely....

[Utopia_Erwtje]

i got to a point where as i was going through my divorce/seperation things were really really bad. i would go into work and cry from the moment i walked in until the moment that i left. it was absolutely horrible and i hated it. i wasnt able to function for my daughter or myself. i was so deep in depression that it was my only thought. all i could think is why cant i be happy. what is wrong with me?
i know it was situational, but this is actually something i have always struggled with. people wouldnt know because i am an outgoing person but inside i was dying.
i was talking to a guy while i was going through this time period. his name was dave and we would discuss alot of things. he told me that if i saught counseling or medication i wasnt weak and that i really needed to get myself together to have a quality of life and to be here for arianna. i was here every moment but my mind and spirit didnt know how to be here now....well perhaps my spirit knew but my mind was in the way. all i could do was think think think...i hated it and me and everyone and everything. it was absolutely horrible. so i finally came to the decision to go to the doctors about it. they tried me on zoloft, that made me anxious so i quit that...then they tried celexa. it really helped to line me back up and balance me. it didnt take away any of my excitement or my highs it just helped my lows not be so bad.
so i also saught counseling. i was very fortunate to have one that i really connected with and going there was actually really fun. at the same time though i started to it really reconnect with my spirit again...instead of just asking questions all the time i really began looking for them. i started meditating alot, praying, reading and thinking deeply about the things i read. i guess i was fortunate as well to find books that really spoke to me.
i saw my counselor yesterday and she told me that if i wanted to keep coming back i was more than welcome but it was up to me because she sees that i finally really love myself.
see, i took the actions to get me back...i had to really really learn alot and to unleash my little girl that was trapped in my dungeons. but she is released and i couldnt be happier. i still have bad days but i really just think..this too shall pass. cause i have really and truly learned to love myself and in that there is nothing and noone that really is unbearable to me anymore....well at least for now...hahaha
wow! you have fighted an enourmous battle!!!! that gives me hop!!!! i also often think 'this too shall pass', but that does not yet help always.... good to read that from such a deep (and recognisable) depression, you got out of it!!!