The Clock

[_chris_]

I just woke up this morning with this idea in my head and the poem kinda wrote itself!

The Clock

There were voices in his head,
Oh the voices in his head!
But that he did not mind,
As the voices, they were kind
They were a comfort

But the tick-tock tick-tock
From the clock in the corner,
In the corner of his room,
That was signalling his doom,
It would drive him to his grave,
The way the tick-tock sound would pave,
Oh the tick-tock tick-tock.

People thought he was insane
To them it seemed quite plain
But they did not know the truth
They did not want to know the truth
But he was just another person

But the tick-tock tick-tock
From the clock in the corner,
In the corner of his room,
That was signalling his doom,
He tried with all his might,
To win that impossible fight,
To beat the tick-tock tick-tock.

It was the world that let him die
Because they did not try
To cater for his needs
But his soul still begs and pleads
For someone who understands

It was the tick-tock tick-tock
From the clock in the corner,
In the corner of his room,
That was signalling his doom,
It would push him to the brink,
Oh how low a man can sink,
It was the tick-tock tick-tock
That made him take his life

[browneydgrl]

oooh i like...

very edgar allan poe-ish. you gots talent, dude :cool:

[Rafaela]

I dig it, I like the way the tick tock "paved" the way. Nice imagery

[BraveSirRubin]

Alot of unecessary forced rhyming, and a crappy idea in general.

[_chris_]

You're entitled to your opinion BraveSirRubin, but i am wondering if you picked up on the clock being a metaphor for the people that ignored his problems, and that they were the ones to blame for him taking his own life?

Point noted about rhyming though.

[fulmah]

I definitely agree with the Poe sound; not a bad thing! The rhyming does sound a bit forced, but the imagery and ideas behind it have much potential. Also, good job handling overly harsh criticism... kudos to you! Thanks for sharing this :)

[_chris_]

It's just that when start a poem and you establish a rhyming scheme and or rhythm, you cant just stop mid-drift as it just stops it from flowing, and i think that flow in a poem is very importanat.

[gdhmomchild]

There were voices in his head,
Oh the voices in his head!
But that he did not mind,
As the voices, they were kind
They were a comfort

But the tick-tock tick-tock
From the clock in the corner,
In the corner of his room,
That was signalling his doom,
It would drive him to his grave,
The way the tick-tock sound would pave,
Oh the tick-tock tick-tock.

People thought he was insane
To them it seemed quite plain
But they did not know the truth
They did not want to know the truth
But he was just another person

But the tick-tock tick-tock
From the clock in the corner,
In the corner of his room,
That was signalling his doom,
He tried with all his might,
To win that impossible fight,
To beat the tick-tock tick-tock.
______________________________

These first stanzas were my favorites, reminds me of how often and how much we can percieve time as the ultimate enemy.

[Bhaskar]

I am usually wary of the rhyming posts, because it is not at all easy to do well, but to me it flowed well enough, though forced on occasion. What I really liked was your use of repetition, not too much, but well done for emphasis. To me it has some music to it, it has a definite song-like quality, the ticktock verses being the chorus bits...You should seriously consider setting this one to music.

[_chris_]

Lord knows ive trid putting my poems to music, but it just doesnt work. When i write poetry, i dont think about music, and when i try to, it just doesnt work. I have written a few songs before, but to do that i need guitar in hand or my brother laying down some chords. They're never that good anyway

[Bhaskar]

It takes a lot of practice to do that. I was a lousy writer, but I stuck at it and I think Im pretty good now. It just takes time to polish your craft. It would be a shame to waste those lovely lyrics.

[orionstarbeam]

i disagree with you chris :p he he...just because most of my songs are derivatives of poems i've written...coz i always channel my emotions down that tunnel that leads to pen n paper...if i didn't write poetry i reckon i be very blocked up..emotionally...anyway...after i've written a poem sometimes i go back to it for lyrics...they're never exactly the same once adapted to music but anyhooo....just thought i'd say..... love from a poorly ill orionstarbeam :( *peace*

[gdhmomchild]

maybe it just hasn't been the right music~! I think thats probably why they are done by separate people.