FreeWillFreeLove
05-27-2004, 01:16 PM
Where do I begin? Well, for the last year or 2, I've had the suspicion that I might be busted, beaten or killed; by a mass conspiracy involving my friends and family, the police and other authorities. This isn't something I just thought up; I had dreams and what must have been imagined "memories" of my and others' thoughts words and deeds.
I was always on edge, thinking that at any time *they* would sneak up to my room, or ambush me on the way home. Not all unjustified; I've "heard" people sneaking up my stairs at night, pausing outside my door. My friends have even said stuff to me which I had been thinking about. Coincidence? A couple times a friend has sung out-loud lyrics which I distinctly remembered singing to myself as i walk home (my own lyrics).
It got to the point where I thought they had reluctantly came to the conclusion that I was some sort of antichrist/shapeshifting reptilian who had killed and raped people (I have those memories as well, from when i was a child) and that I had to die, around Summer Solstice/Easter/anytime this year.
I then got a job on an island, and thought this was either my saving grace (after months of worrying, being very paranoid and obviously not myself) or the final leg of the great flytrap. Then the paranoia got better. Not lesser, better; I started thinking the opposite; that really this was just a big test of my willpower, that I would still have to die, but I would be reborn and help bring paradise and spiritual ascendancy on Earth, before the Sun went supernova and we all reached God-hood.
There is a lot of extra baggage to go along with this, but that is essentially it. I have accepted death as completely necessary, and realised this life is not to be wasting worrying about anything trivial....ooh and that our world is ultimately going to shit if we don't all do wake up and get pro-active...
I will be writing several essays, perhaps even a story based on my dementia, so stay tuned ;)
I was always on edge, thinking that at any time *they* would sneak up to my room, or ambush me on the way home. Not all unjustified; I've "heard" people sneaking up my stairs at night, pausing outside my door. My friends have even said stuff to me which I had been thinking about. Coincidence? A couple times a friend has sung out-loud lyrics which I distinctly remembered singing to myself as i walk home (my own lyrics).
It got to the point where I thought they had reluctantly came to the conclusion that I was some sort of antichrist/shapeshifting reptilian who had killed and raped people (I have those memories as well, from when i was a child) and that I had to die, around Summer Solstice/Easter/anytime this year.
I then got a job on an island, and thought this was either my saving grace (after months of worrying, being very paranoid and obviously not myself) or the final leg of the great flytrap. Then the paranoia got better. Not lesser, better; I started thinking the opposite; that really this was just a big test of my willpower, that I would still have to die, but I would be reborn and help bring paradise and spiritual ascendancy on Earth, before the Sun went supernova and we all reached God-hood.
There is a lot of extra baggage to go along with this, but that is essentially it. I have accepted death as completely necessary, and realised this life is not to be wasting worrying about anything trivial....ooh and that our world is ultimately going to shit if we don't all do wake up and get pro-active...
I will be writing several essays, perhaps even a story based on my dementia, so stay tuned ;)