this is no life

[carnelian]

i'm about to give up. i no longer believe i will get well. i'm psycotic with obsessive compulsive tendencies. i've suffered from eating disorders and depression and in some ways still is. i'm so afraid of myself and people and the world. i've lost almost everything and i just can't live like this anymore. i want to scream and break things. hurt myself and die. for almost three years i've done pretty much nothing. i've been on several medication, daycare, rehab. i've been hospitalized for pilloverdoses, cut myself, gone to therapy. and it doesn't get better! the more isolated i get the worse my sickness gets and due to those fears i isolate myself even more. it's a bad cirkle and i just cant's seem to get myself out of it. i'm standing by the edge and there's nothing holdning me back. i want to leave everything behind and travel the world but i'm to afraid and i'd probably have to go home after like two weeks because i'm so depressed and dysfunctional. i can't see a way out of this. perhaps the best thing would be to die. i'm so afraid of death but perhaps it's worth the risk because this is no life.

[Althea]

Ohhh, Carnelian, I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from and my heart goes out to you. I've been there myself....many times. I know that down and out feeling all too well. Actually I struggle with it almost everyday. Some days I wake up in a full blown panic attack feeling so afraid of facing the day. I too have hurt myself (in my mind I guess I figured feeling physical pain would take away some of the mental pain), and have attempted suicide. I, too, have been hospitalized. I've also been in that state of mind where death seems like the only way out. I've been afraid of so many things, including just leaving the shelter of my house. The thing is Carnelian, you can't give up....just as I can't. I spend WAY too much time in my own head, and many times it's a bad neighborhood in there. I'm FINALLY learning to get out of my head, and the sickness that's lurking there. As I mentioned in my other post in this forum, I've finally come up with a plan and I'm trying my best to stick to it. Since I tend to isolate I've decided that almost everyday I need to do one righteous thing for the day. For now that's all I can handle...and that's fine. As they say, Rome wasn't built in a day. For me, just GOING OUT of my house, whether it be to the store, out to breakfast with family/friends, walking, etc REALLY helps me stop thinking of myself and my illness. When I get home I feel much better just for having gotten out. I have to admit, sometimes I feel like cancelling my plans 'cause I'm feeling really bad, but I don't 'cause I know I'll be fine once I'm out. My mom said something the other day that really hit home too. She said (in a very nice way) that because of my illness I'm so stuck on what's wrong with me that I'm missing out on life and I'm blowing off the people that love and care for me. She said that she, for one, really misses me (we only live five minutes from each other). She told me she would be more than happy to go shopping, go for a walk etc with me. I had never really thought about how others are affected by my illness. Just yesterday I went out to breakfast and shopping with her and knowing I was making her happy really helped my state of mind. I tend to bottle up my feelings and not talk to anyone about how I'm suffering and that's no way to live. I've been being much more open about it and that's also helped. I'm on medications too, and I FINALLY think I've found the right ones (I've been on SO many different meds). If you are on medication, maybe you should try a different one. Hell, it took me years to find the right mix. BUT, I've found ya can't just rely on meds. You have to change things in your life yourself. You had mentioned wanting to travel but being too afraid. One thing you have to do is STOP being afraid....just DO IT. I know this from experience. I've been afraid SO many times and that has stopped me from doing so many things. The hell with being afraid! What's the worst that will happen? The sky's not gonna fall. Maybe a trip around the world would be a bit too much to tackle for now, but how 'bout just a weekend away? I just took a weekend trip with my brother, and I won't lie I was afraid right up until the day I left, but it was FINE. We had a great time together. So looking back, all I did was waste time on worrying.

The thing is, don't give up. Death is not the answer, Carnelian. Take little steps to change for the better. Giving up is the easy way out.....and I know, it sometimes seems like the only way out.....but it's not. You, and I, can get through this. As you said, the life you are living is no life; I know what you mean, sometimes you feel like you're at the end of your rope and there's no fight left in you. For me it's usually one step forward ten steps back. But I'm not gonna give up and you shouldn't either. You can beat this thing. It'll take time and effort but it CAN be done.

Luv 'n' GreaT BiG ((((((((HuGs)))))))))

Althea

[carnelian]

thank you for your nice words. you are so right. we have to fight our fears! even if it's so difficult. i to try to get out of my house. like today i went dowtown and bought a few stuff. i often go buy like a smoothie or something small just to get out for a while. my family also misses me even if i live in the same house as them. i isolate myself from them to. don't eat in the kitchen, almost never go with them when they go shopping in the towns nearby and stuff like that.
wich medications have you been on? i'm trapping down on my antipsychotic medicine right now. i've gone from 4 pills a day to 1 and in february i'm quitting it to change to another medicine and hope that one will help me. this is my second antipsychotic and those meds are difficult to find the right one among. and they have so many sideeffects. i hate being on medication but i have no choice.
this summer i'm travelling somewhere. perhaps scotland, perhaps somewhere else in europe. but i'm going! i'm saving money for it and i WILL do this! :)
again, thank you for your words. you made me feel better.

take care of yourself.

love angel

[Althea]

I'm so happy I could make ya feel a little better. That was my goal. I've found that trying to help others, instead of just keeping it all to myself, helps me too.

As far as the meds I've been on....well, you name it I've probably tried it. Right now I'm on Zyprexa and Lamictal. The Zyprexa makes me pretty damn tired but I guess that's a side effect I can deal with since it seems to be working. Tomorrow when I see my doc I'm gonna ask if I can lower the dose though.

Luv 'n' Healin' Vibes.....

Althea

[carnelian]

my medicine makes me tired and hungry and i've gained 10 kg because of it. i'm currently on seroquel and citalopram. but i started taking the medicine right before i go to sleep and thanks to that i'm not tired during day time and i've lost a couple of pounds of the weight i put on the last year.

[kindwoman]

I feel for you honey, I'm 34 years old & have been suffering from depression, panic attacks, anxiety, personality disorders, social phobia, & trying to recover from sexual abuse since I was 18. I have wanted to give up SOOOOO many times, but I'm really glad I didn't. Some days are worse than others, and sometimes the medication makes you feel worse. I've been on Seroquel, Xanax, Klonopin, Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, Effexor, Lexapro, Wellbutrin, Ambien, and now a new one, Cymbalta.
The medication alone isn't going to do shit for you. If you haven't spoken with a counselor, I suggest you do so, ASAP! Find one that you feel comfortable talking with or the counseling won't do any good. I feel that it's a very important step in recovery. There is also a good workbook you might want to get, it's called "Ten Days to Self-Esteem" by David D. Burns M.D. I hope this helps you. Let us know about your progress, and if you ever need to talk, you can always PM me okay!

[carnelian]

i've been in counseling but it didn't help me at all. i liked my teraphist very much but she couldn't really help me because what she told me i allready knew and i allready have people to talk to. i gave it a try but it's nothing for me. the ways to recovery are different for different people. i've found that trying to get out into the real world has helped me the most but it's hard, oh so hard! i'll see if i can find that book. i don't know if it has been published in swedish. or else it can be difficult to find it i think. but i'll look into it. thank you for the tip.

take good care of yourself and keep fighting! love angelica

[sweetdreadlover]

i'm about to give up. i no longer believe i will get well. i'm psycotic with obsessive compulsive tendencies. i've suffered from eating disorders and depression and in some ways still is. i'm so afraid of myself and people and the world. i've lost almost everything and i just can't live like this anymore. i want to scream and break things. hurt myself and die. for almost three years i've done pretty much nothing. i've been on several medication, daycare, rehab. i've been hospitalized for pilloverdoses, cut myself, gone to therapy. and it doesn't get better! the more isolated i get the worse my sickness gets and due to those fears i isolate myself even more. it's a bad cirkle and i just cant's seem to get myself out of it. i'm standing by the edge and there's nothing holdning me back. i want to leave everything behind and travel the world but i'm to afraid and i'd probably have to go home after like two weeks because i'm so depressed and dysfunctional. i can't see a way out of this. perhaps the best thing would be to die. i'm so afraid of death but perhaps it's worth the risk because this is no life.

okay i think i may be able to give u some helpful little hints sweetheart. i mentioned in another thread about how i myself have obsessive compulsive disorder and i am still learning on how to deal with it...now i also said in another thread about how i tend to put my smile on my face each day. first i put on my most calming relaxing choice of music, usually bob marley and i meditate on the music while burning incense. then i do a regimine of yoga to put my body in the right spirit. i read poetry to remind me of the so many beauties life has to offer....i try every day to turn myself around and face every wonderful beauty life has to offer.....try some of these things and i swear they will help.

[carnelian]

i don't like meditating. i either can't sit still or i get so tired i fall asleep. but listening to nice music could help.

[sweetdreadlover]

well what kind of music do u like?? if u could channel it into yer fave music it really would help.

[carnelian]

i love alanis morisette and nirvana. :)

[LunaPeace85]

Hey sweetheart
I can kinda relate. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and I'm type 2 Bulimic. I am recovering right now, but it's been a long, hard journey. I have found that I can replace some of my self destructive behaviors ( SI and my ED) with being creative and doing something artsy. Music, making jewelry, making a collage, drawing, writing, anything is better than nothing at all. Something I have really found helpful, when I feel like I am wanting to give up, I just sit silently and allow myself to feel. Nothing is taboo. I can feel whatever, but I try not to put words to it at first, I just feel. Then I describe what I am feeling, identify emotions, and try to figure out why I am feeling a certain way. Sometimes, it takes a while, but if I can figure why I feel a certain way, it's usually not what I thought the reasons were and by that time I am usually in the mindset to deal whatever it may be. The best advice I can give you, is to be in the moment and take things one step at a time. Anyway, PM me ANYTIME about ANYTHING. I'm here for you sister. Please, Please don't give up. Much love.

[carnelian]

hi!

i'm sad to hear you're bulimic. i've been dealing with eating disorders myself. both starvation and bulimia and i know it's so hard to get out but you can do it to, i did! i also stopped cutting so there's hope, there's a way out of the problems and illness.

tale care love /angel

[dilligaf]

dont mean to sound harsh or brash here ,,, but who has given you all the labels of disorders that you have???

In dilligaf world about 95% of them there diagnosises ya just listed ,,, 80 % of the world prolly has,,,, the difference is....

some choose to remain labeled, and alot of times unfortunately live their life according to the label they are given ,,,, in a way dumbing themself down because some dumbass with a big degree says you have it so you therefore gotta have it,,, it must be true,,,,

now some of us say skroo the label n refuse to choose to be the victim,,, (which in my opinion n mine only no one has to agree) is just what yer doing when ya live by the rules of the shrinks all the time,,,,... it takes guts, it takes work,, alot of tears pain n suffering,,, alot of facing shit we rather would not face,,,, and alot of forgiving,,, either of others but mostly of our self,,,,,, and in that lies alot of the answer to your no life issue,,,,,

like i said it takes alot n many on their own just cant do it,,, or feel that they cant do it,,,, but ya gotta believe in yerself,,, cuz if you dont ,,, who will

good luck , luv n lite
dilli

[carnelian]

i knew what was wrong with me before i even met a doctor. i knew the signs, the symptoms. i don't mind being labeled because thanks to that i can get the help and medication i need. it's not a cold, it's a serios mental disorder and i don't live after the label, i live after how i feel and i don't feel good.

i'm not a victim and i don't hate being me. i hate tham i'm sick but i do my best to live a full life. i fight but it's hard and sometimes i despair like when i wrote that post. i feel better now, mostly i'm pretty positive in many ways. i do the best i can.

[Random Andy]

G'day Angelica.

I'm a nutter too. On meds etc. It's not good the way we nutters are treated in our country (UK). I think it's probably better in Sweden as that's a more forward thinking country but I imagine the stigma is still there to a degree. Listen to this...

'Illness' connotates a cure may not exist but is possible. Mental 'illness' does not have a cure - you can just manage the 'symptoms'. For this reason I do not like to think of myself as mentally ill, just that I happen to belong to a particular sub-group called schizophrenics. It's not an illness, it's just the way I am. I do not like being stigmatised etc for this but that's the way it is. I also feel the urge to run away and I think it is a healthy one. I think I'm a born traveller. I'll talk to you later when my wife is not suffering (she has toothache). I must go see to her. Remember...

Fuck the fucking fuckers.

[NaykidApe]

i'm about to give up. i no longer believe i will get well. i'm psycotic with obsessive compulsive tendencies. i've suffered from eating disorders and depression and in some ways still is. i'm so afraid of myself and people and the world. i've lost almost everything and i just can't live like this anymore. i want to scream and break things. hurt myself and die. for almost three years i've done pretty much nothing. i've been on several medication, daycare, rehab. i've been hospitalized for pilloverdoses, cut myself, gone to therapy. and it doesn't get better! the more isolated i get the worse my sickness gets and due to those fears i isolate myself even more. it's a bad cirkle and i just cant's seem to get myself out of it. i'm standing by the edge and there's nothing holdning me back. i want to leave everything behind and travel the world but i'm to afraid and i'd probably have to go home after like two weeks because i'm so depressed and dysfunctional. i can't see a way out of this. perhaps the best thing would be to die. i'm so afraid of death but perhaps it's worth the risk because this is no life.
When I was sixteen I wanted to die. The only other thing I wanted was to split but I was afraid to.

Then I realized "shit! If I'm not afraid to die what can happen to me on the road that I need to be afraid of"? Make any sense?

another thing I realized is I wasn't afraid of people so much as I was afraid of what they thought of me.

I get depressed anytime I stay in the same place too long. I always feel better once I start moving again.

:D and I doubt if you're any more screwed up than I am.