What's the difference...

[HoneySuckleBlue]

...between Nagging someone and reminding them of things that you know they need to do?

Or are you supposed to just mind your own stinkin' business and let them figure it out on their own??

I always have a hard time unless people ask me what I think, then you can't shut me up...I have all kinds of opinions:p

[nirgal]

approach, tone and frequency .... after a couple of times, it's best to just let them figure it out on their own though.... of course it depends who is effected by it, just them or everyone else

[HoneySuckleBlue]

This kind of fine tuning irritates the poop outta me. I think that after a certain amount of time the people around you should know that what you say comes with the best possible intent and should just adjust their filters...dammit.

I suck with tact...and being considerate of other peoples feelings. I feel like the Baker on Sesame street with the twelve chocolate cakes or whatever that has them all balanced and then he falls down the steps and gets cake everywhere....

Mebbe some sensitivity training is in order.:)

[nirgal]

If some one gets irritated by being reminded of something, it is their problem too.

[HoneySuckleBlue]

Yeah, you always have to ask yourself, "Why does this bother me?" and be far enough along to be honest about it...atleast to yourself but it would be nice if people were secure enough to be like that with everyone equally.


That takes alot of self cultivation though, imho and people seem to have a hard time with not deceiving themselves with stuff they don't want to face..

[nirgal]

Yes~yes

[HoneySuckleBlue]

...are you in the choir?

[Scholar_Warrior]

...between Nagging someone and reminding them of things that you know they need to do?

Or are you supposed to just mind your own stinkin' business and let them figure it out on their own??

I always have a hard time unless people ask me what I think, then you can't shut me up...I have all kinds of opinions:p
there is no difference.

[Scholar_Warrior]

lissen, if you have a problem with someone approach them and find a way to deal with it.

if you are only wanting to help another then if you find an opening to gently suggest something once or maybe twice then go ahead. if you have to tell them a third time, chances are you are infringing and your help is unwanted, imo.

[nirgal]

Choir?
You haven't heard me sing obvuosly :p

[HoneySuckleBlue]

Most of the time I just mind my own business, it is too much to be responsible for more than myself.

Sometimes I just don't see something though and I would appriciate it if some one reminded me of things that were really obvious that I was missing.

Are you guys like that? Or does it bug you when people tell you stuff?

I say that, but I get mad when Rich tells me stuff ...lol.

[nirgal]

It only bugs me when I know it's something I should be doing an ain't. ;) But I do catch myself and apologize if I say something pissy. I don't mind being reminded of things that I'm overlooking or if I forget the big picture though, because I'm absentminded at times :p I was married to a nagger, there is a difference.

[HoneySuckleBlue]

Thanks for that insight Greg, that helps alot:)

Guy think so different, y'all are facinating!

[nirgal]

Gil said..."lissen, if you have a problem with someone approach them and find a way to deal with it."
This can be hard sometimes, because it involves setting aside egos. The person making the approach is making themselves vulnerable and allowing the other to do the same... sometimes it works and sometimes you get the monkey poop.

"Most of the time I just mind my own business, it is too much to be responsible for more than myself"
Yes~yes sharing my brain again. ;) That is all we can be responsible for, but as you expand it inward and embrace it, ourselves becomes everything. And there you find caring, and that's all you can really do.
And you have to let everyone else do the same thing and face their own consequenses.

[HoneySuckleBlue]

I don't mind conflicting egos I suppose. A little conflict is actualy kind of stimulating, it makes me think and problem solve better than I normaly would when every one just gets along. I tend to get lacadasical if left to my own devices...

There's a point when you should be able to tell if the conflict is actually making any progress or if it's just destructive though, cause there's good conflict and bad conflict.

I've read that you are supposed to deal with other people in accordance to their capacity to understand so instead of just not dealing with their egos you can find a way to make what you are saying more palpable for them. So they too can believe in the wonder of what you are trying to show them.

It's a pain in the rear, because you actually have to apply effort to this but what you reap from seeing them grow is something far more satisfying than any energy spent on yourself. Though being responsible for only myself is nice to be able to fall back on when I take on too much.

I think I need to use reminding more, because i usually say something once and then if they don't get it I step away from it. It may be that's too premature. I need to step it up a notch.

I always worry about being a nagging wife. I hate being told what to do, it rankles me, lol, even if I know your right;) so I'd hate to do that to any one else., but I should'nt give up so easily I guess.

Plus then I can be one of those people that get to say "haha I told you so!"

[nirgal]

Healthy conflict is stimulating, it's a catylist definately. Unhealthy conflict is destructive. Noticing the difference takes a certain amount of awareness in itself.
The difference between Fencing and Dueling.

~~"I've read that you are supposed to deal with other people in accordance to their capacity to understand so instead of just not dealing with their egos you can find a way to make what you are saying more palpable for them. So they too can believe in the wonder of what you are trying to show them.

It's a pain in the rear, because you actually have to apply effort to this but what you reap from seeing them grow is something far more satisfying than any energy spent on yourself."~~

That's the 'caring' part of being responsible for yourself

[Moominpappa]

Lesson 1 in Life: People are, frankly, awful at this communication business.In my old social services days, I'd try to pitch my explanation and conversation at the level of the person I was dealing with. I'd get it wrong - you'd could see the eyes glaze over, the mental blinds come down or else they didn't want to hear what you are saying - you have to remember that for every piece of absent mindedness that causes you to overlook something, somethings you deliberately forget or place mental blocks in the way of achieving. If the thing to be done is shitty, the brain is brilliant with coming up with excuses and self-justifying little deceits - imo. So if someone comes along and reminds\nags you - well that's when I tend to see people over-react.


I've also seen the consequences of people acting on the advice and doing the exact opposite of what I've said. I even used to offer to write down\print out the instructions, and you wouldn't believe the number of people who used to get shirty - the "Oh no, I'm quite capable of remembering that" and then plainly showing they haven't understood a word.

So - we are linear beings - to wait for the right moment isn't always possible. Some reminders have to be given now and can't wait - you have to deal with the consequences. Its how the other person takes it, and its up to them whether they label you a nag or not - I've said it before on these forums, but why spend all your time second guessing what someone else will say or do, how they will react, think of you, etc, etc. Do what feels right.... and deal with the consequences - its amazing how often they are not the ones you expected.

Oh, and if its to remind Rich to buy Christmas presents for his parents, its a guy thing, just get on and do it yourself. Three nags and you're out (there buying them for him, oh, and wrapping them, labelling them, and writing "From a loving Son" on the label)

Lesson in Life number two.

Some people are just plain unreasonable. Any reminder will be taken the wrong way. It's their problem and only becomes yours if the consequences of their inaction\failure to change affects you and yours.

Lesson in Life number three

Kim - you're a parent. Probably, like me & the momma, you try to spare your kids the worst bits of growing up, by advising them, guiding them, and, yes, reminding them. You went through the miseries - the obsession of what schoolfriends thought of you, the surprises that a growing body springs on you, the black mental hole of adolescence, the pain of losing a loved one, first love and rejection,the nerves of moving to a new neighbourhood\school,drinking on an empty stomach, etc,etc - and yet you'll find they are almost pre-destined to repeat the same life-experiences - you either give up or hang on in there, but either way you deal with the consequences.

[mariecstasy]

Most of the time I just mind my own business, it is too much to be responsible for more than myself.

Sometimes I just don't see something though and I would appriciate it if some one reminded me of things that were really obvious that I was missing.

Are you guys like that? Or does it bug you when people tell you stuff?

I say that, but I get mad when Rich tells me stuff ...lol.
no i absolutely love when people tell me stuff. there are moments that i am so lost in my chaos..moments that i have hurt someone, something, myself and i then beat myself up not really knowing the source or what in my personality caused me to react this or that way...however, with the outsiders point of view, if given in love and not blame, i can notice patterns, i can see what it is that i am doing and i can notice its not me as a person that is wrong or bad but rather a certain pattern that i have fallen in....





but to answer the original questin i feel it has everything to do with intent...if their actions are hurting you then to discuss it openly and with love...its in the interest of you both and you can compromise or come to some understnadings...
if you are doing it cause you need them to be a certain way then i would just shut my mouth cause that is ultimately about you.(lol, i am trying to learn this)