"I Can't Come In To Work Today Because..."

[TheLizardQueen]

I have ladies' polio

[sickcharlie]

my aunt commited suicide

[bedlam]

cause we are closed today..

[Quest_techie]

The remaining beatle kicked my ass

[bedlam]

l'm going to be killed at noon..

[Flic]

I can't come into work today because I've been kidnapped and held hostage in my towel closet. How did I get to the phone...? Oh the kidnapper let me out for a while. No don't call the police, he's already done that. ...You want to speak to the kidnapper. *gruff voice* Hello I'm the kidnapper, the office coffee sucks and your crap at your job! ...no I'v not just put a voice on, you want me to come round and proove it? Fine! *Stompy footsteps followed by tyres screetching, followed by gunshots* Hello? I can't come into work today, I've got to clean hijacker off my car.

[hailtothekingbaby]

... because today's St. Bastardo's day, patron saint of the sons of bitches.

[heifers_calf]

I have an inner ear infection and it throughs off my equilibrium.wich will explain your drunkin stagger

[Mui]

my grandma is still leaking.

[crummyrummy]

I accidentally glued my feet to the oven.

[Libertine]

My cock got stuck in your daughter

[redyelruc]

my sister needs the morning after pill and she's too embarassed to buy it herself so...

[Libertine]

My cock got stuck in my sister.

[redyelruc]

I'm handcuffed to the bed and your wife has the keys

[crummyrummy]

Libertine taped me to a statue of Elvis

[redyelruc]

...I'm helping this guy from an online forum, Libertine, unstick himself from your daughter's pony.

[crummyrummy]

I am getting a species change operation and I am currently half dolphin.

[yo-yo]

im outta state and my probation officer caught me. :o(

[crummyrummy]

I have a case of the 24 hour leprosy bug

[redyelruc]

I have wanker's cramp and can't turn the key in my motorcycle

[crummyrummy]

Theres a barber shop quartet holding me and my family hostage

[redyelruc]

we're having my sister exorcised today

[crummyrummy]

My mistress has lost the keys to the handcuffs

[moop]

i was frying on dxm and i yawned so hard my jaw dislocated

[crummyrummy]

I have an oar stuck up my Ganges

[redyelruc]

my friend is burying her dog.

[moop]

my house is surrounded by SWAT teams

[redyelruc]

I found a kilo of coke and I'm kinda busy right now.

[crummyrummy]

Because I think the odor is causing my hair to fall out

[redyelruc]

I just bought a gallon of ice-cream and there's been a power-cut so I've gotta eat it.

[Willow_Jon]

The Spaceship dumped me off at this gas staion out in the desert...and i cant make it into work ....i cant even get home right now......

[redyelruc]

to stop my son from going out last night, I swallowed the car keys and I'm still waitin'...

[Duck]

I threw my back out humping your wife

[redyelruc]

a dingo stole my baby

[moop]

im trippin nuts and cant find my way to work

[redyelruc]

I took ten viagra last night and none of my trousers will fit.

[mudpuddle]

Ahahahahaha!

:D

The Spaceship dumped me off at this gas staion out in the desert...and i cant make it into work ....i cant even get home right now......

[nikki.]

...I have a razor blade lodged in my cervix.

[moop]

i murdered my chemical romance and now my nieghborhood is flooded with emo tears

[redyelruc]

the valentines are piled so high, I can't get out the door.

[crummyrummy]

It's my fiancee's birthday and I wanna go kayaking with her.

[redyelruc]

my eco-friendly car is out of gas and my wife just used the last of the eco-fuel to cook breakfast and I refuse to buy anything at the local shop 'cos they are muslims and we are in a war against terror and I don't want to support that bearded Al Bin Laden guy's attempts to take away my liberty in this great country.

[crummyrummy]

WoW came out with another expansion.

[NightRose]

I wish I had the guts to use these...

I cant come to work because I lost the house keys, I'm locked in.

Sorry I cannot take the job, When I was but a youngster a wise man told me that there are two days a year that if you work you will surely die. I was so young that I forgot to ask what those two days were and now because of fear I cannot work any day of the year.

I can't(grunt) come in to (grunt) work today, I HAVE (grunt) EXPLOSIVE DIARREA!!!!!!

[redyelruc]

if I leave my senile grandmother alone, I'm afraid she'll eat the cat.

[moop]

i slipped on a banana peel and injured my tail bone.

[crummyrummy]

a mountain goat has me pinned to a closet door

[redyelruc]

working is overrated.

[CasieNmynameisjake07]

my dog or cat is really sick throwing up and shitting all over the place so i need to stay and watch him/her so they dont die or ruin my carpet. My mom used that once to get out of work before.

[moop]

i was in a high speed pogo stick accident and suffered massive head trauma

[moop]

working is overrated.
i think this ones prime

[moop]

phish reunited and were celebrating

[hailtothekingbaby]

I murdered a prostitute last night and I'm still trying to fit all remaining parts of her into the freezer.

[yo-yo]

my friend stuck his weenie n a bottle and were still tryin to get it out...

[redyelruc]

it's too fucking COLD to get out of bed.

[crummyrummy]

I won a lifetime supply of Chex Mix, and I am working my way through all of it.

[moop]

fuck you boss, im goin fly fishing

[crummyrummy]

Dolly Parton marathon on CMT

[Willow_Jon]

I got a case of m&m's...and im picking out all the green ones

[moop]

i cant handle life anymore boss, i hate myself and want to die. goodbye cruel world.....*BANG*

[FlyingBurritoBro]

Vision Trouble - Just can't see coming in...

[FlyingBurritoBro]

A man called in to work with a sick headache but the boss wouldn't let him off. He said, "Whenever I get a sick headache I make love to my wife, and in a while I feel better and I come in to work. Try that." In a while he calls back and says "Man you were right boss. That worked great! I'll be in in a little while. By the way, you really have a nice house!"

[crummyrummy]

I am trying to catch that pesky flu bug

[moop]

i got impaled by a giant icicle

[yo-yo]

A man called in to work with a sick headache but the boss wouldn't let him off. He said, "Whenever I get a sick headache I make love to my wife, and in a while I feel better and I come in to work. Try that." In a while he calls back and says "Man you were right boss. That worked great! I'll be in in a little while. By the way, you really have a nice house!"

lol good one!

[yo-yo]

ive been quarantined for having tha gona-herpa-cyphilese!

[crummyrummy]

its raining men

[gesone]

Different Strokes reruns are on.

[crummyrummy]

I think today is the day they air the episode of "COPS" where I got arrested for soliciting a tranny prostitute.

[yo-yo]

i stubbed my pussy :oops:

[out_in_the_sticks]

lmfao yo-yo lol love it :P

i cant come in cuz i have anal-glaucoma......yea i cant see my ass coming into work today lol
prolly been done but i tried :( lol

[crummyrummy]

I just cant get my catsup packet sculpture of the Taj Mahal right

[newo]

i cant come in cuz i have anal-glaucoma......:( lolThis is easily treated with a marijuana suppository.

[crummyrummy]

My stalker called in sick and I dont feel safe leaving my home without him following me.

[gesone]

Lol!

[gesone]

Sorry, it's Stay Home Tuesday for me. I cannot miss my personal reflection time.

[crummyrummy]

I got a paper cut and its really nasty.

[PriceCheck]

I ate a burrito I found on the subway and now I feel kind of funny.

[yo-yo]

i thought i fart but i sharted and know its runnin down my leg..

[gesone]

My fingers keep bleeding from the electric chainsaw.

[crummyrummy]

big huge clouds of gnats

[PriceCheck]

I'm really sick and my grandmother was going to pick me up and take me to the hospital but she died at the wheel and ran over my dog.

[crummyrummy]

They installed a time lock on this bathroom stall, and I am stuck here for anothe 23 hours and 16 minutes

[usfcat]

...I woke up with my head sewn to the carpet.

[Eretik]

I have alcoholic constipation -I cannae pass the pub.
or
I walked into a bar -it was an iron bar.

[crummyrummy]

be vewy, vewy quiet, I'm hunting wabbits
http://idolator.com/assets/resources/2007/01/Ted%20Nugent.JPG

[yo-yo]

its not monday! wtf r u talkin bout? im goin back to sleep!

[crummyrummy]

midget stole my unicycle

[themnax]

because i'm on assignment from my other job, which involves u.f.o. abductions.

=^^=
.../\...

[crummyrummy]

Its National "Buy your Boss a pickle and a home pregnancy test" day, and theres a long line at the pharmacy

[neim]

i *must* stay home, i can't tell you *now*. ok bye.

[PriceCheck]

I'm having the golf ball extracted.

[yo-yo]

im watching tha golf ball be extracted..
damn...

[crummyrummy]

The mistress will not allow it. Must keep the mistress happy.

[J.C]

ninja killed my family, and i'm hunting him down to kill him back

[EliWhitney]

because I'm blowing up the office.

[crummyrummy]

I found a map with an X on it, must find treasure.

[evil i 13]

i gotta shoot ya straight boss. I'm an alcoholic, And i have to get off theis terrible stuff. i'll be in in a week. Reward: a week to dick around. Then a new found respect from your boss for conquering such a demon and it lowers the bar as for the quality of ur work. Just make sure u have loads of shame in your eyes when u come back in though, but a glimmer of hope. It takes practice, but u got a whole week. they might even give u paid leave.

http://www.hipgallery.com/photopost2/data/509/11010.jpg
in vino veritas

[crummyrummy]

cant come into work, the clowns will eat me.

[PriceCheck]

I'm surrounded by shovels and each time I try to take a step towards the office one of them smacks me in the forehead.

[EliWhitney]

Haha...that was one of my favorites Pricecheck...gave me a real chuckle.

[gesone]

fire ants bit my dick

[themnax]

i gotta shoot ya straight boss. I'm an alcoholic, And i have to get off theis terrible stuff. i'll be in in a week. Reward: a week to dick around. Then a new found respect from your boss for conquering such a demon and it lowers the bar as for the quality of ur work. Just make sure u have loads of shame in your eyes when u come back in though, but a glimmer of hope. It takes practice, but u got a whole week. they might even give u paid leave.

http://www.hipgallery.com/photopost2/data/509/11010.jpg
in vino veritas

depends on how many time's you've done that and how tired of it they've gotten. eventually they get someone else. sometimes that someone else has been me. yes, i've gotten several jobs directly as a replacement for just that scenario!

(i do love the picture though. in vino veritas indeed! got a good laugh out of it. and i HAVE eaten in enough soup lines to appreciate the concept.)

------------

i can't make it today because the town where i used to work just got nuked. so i don't know who i'm making this excuse to, a ghost maybe?

=^^=
.../\...

[rkdmdmnrkldm]

I was the Sup. of the Dept. I was in. One of my guys kept calling in with lame excuses. My Boss came through the same time every morn. I called at that time and had my assistant let my boss know I had been bitten by a bat, got paralyzed and had to get myself to a Hospital, but I would be in tomorrow. The lame excuse guy was standing right there. He quit the next week.

[EgoDeath]

I used this one today.

Supervisor: Hi Joe, are you coming in today?

Me(in bed half asleep): Uhh yeah, shit sorry Brian iv slept in.

Supervisor: haha no worries, i will see you in a min

2 hours later..

Supervisor: hey, Joe thats some lay in isnt it. are you coming in?

Me (still in bed): Right! yep im just getting my stuff ready, see you in a bit.

1 hour later I send a text saying, somethings come up. I will be in tomorrow.

think i got away with it? lmao lucky he dosent give a shit this week (not much to do anyway)

[crummyrummy]

I have accidentally cemented myself into a harbor piling.

[lostboundaries]

i cant my wifes pregnant

[Cryme]

in 4th grade i told my teacher that my brother got into a car accident and I needed to stay with him so I couldnt do my homework....didnt do any hw for a month...i look back at that now and frown....


recently ive used...My cousin got the cotton from the cotton swab lodged in his ear and his parents arent home so I have to take him to the hospital...when calling out of work...i find that the more tragic and random the more believable....lol

[EliWhitney]

because I am having sexual relations with your wife. Has anyone used that?

[crummyrummy]

I am chained to the stove.

[Moon_Unit]

i had a bout of mondayitis

[crummyrummy]

I am trying to break the record for most enimas in a single 24 hour period.

[salmon4me]

My car is stuck in the mud at the All Good festival.

[crummyrummy]

I have a terrrible case of going bald.

[farmout]

called in on slick leave....:-)

[crummyrummy]

prostitute has me chained to the radiator.

[farmout]

bbbbbut IIIImmmm retired.......:-)

[crummyrummy]

my tongue is stuck to a flag pole.

[farmout]

got the diareaaaaaa......:-)

[crummyrummy]

three stooges marathon.

[farmout]

(who's that dancin in your avatar?)

Someone stole my car.....:-)

[crummyrummy]

some dancing avatar has me hypnotized

[farmout]

waters up over the bridge.....:-)

[crummyrummy]

I am trying to win concert tickets, I gotta be the 101st caller after I hear the radio play "The Pretender".

[farmout]

damn goat ettt my truck keys.....:-)

[crummyrummy]

I am kidnapped, I COULD make it today, if you got 50,000 dollars for my safe return...

[farmout]

I got drafted.....:-)

[crummyrummy]

It's shark week on the Discovery Channel

[farmout]

have to go and dig a grave fer my pet pig.....:-)

[crummyrummy]

the village can just live without an idiot today. I am tired.

[farmout]

wife left me, took the car...:-)

[FlyingBurritoBro]

I have vision trouble. Just can't see coming in...

[crummyrummy]

I am too busy doing your daughter

[farmout]

watchin the grass grow......:-)

[crummyrummy]

I am locked in a casket, I think they are burying me....

[farmout]

I've fallen..... and I can't get up.......:-)

[crummyrummy]

I got beans in my kidneys

[green faerie]

the sheets are holding me for ransom.

[farmout]

I have to change my depends..... :-(

[PriceCheck]

I am itchy. So very, very itchy.

[Lady of the Freaks]

my pet fleas died. :(

[farmout]

the house accross the street is on fire, I'm tryin to help put it out with the garden hose......:-)

[crummyrummy]

I'm in line at walmart, they are Wii's in later this evening.

[stonedmonkiwana]

I want to get more sleep..

[FlyingBurritoBro]

I'm on the line with a telemarketer, and I want to see how long it takes until they give up.

[farmout]

I have to take a flea bath.....:-)

[GLENGLEN]

Hey...F***face,

Yeah You, Butt Plug.!!!.....Guess This Is Gunna Come As A Shock To A Pathetic Little Asswipe Like Yourself..............But Guess What Sunshine ????.......Your Sad Little Downtrodden...Kicked In The Guts.....Walked Over......Underpaid......Grovelling Employee...JUST WON 22 Million Dollars In The Jackpot Lottery Draw.!!!!!!!!!!

May I Humbly Suggest You Take Your Job And....??? Then Very Quickly Consult A Specialist Proctologist....All In The Best Interests Of Your Health....Of Course.

Your Faithful Employee For The Past 20 Years,

With Sincere Best Wishes,

Glen.

[crummyrummy]

my foot is caught in the toilet

[farmout]

its Saturday.....:-)

[crummyrummy]

my car has melted

[stonedmonkiwana]

I am mourning the loss of my Potted plants.

[J.C]

Too hung over to even MOVE!!!

True story, didn't get fired XD

J.C

[bandbeyondescription]

i shat myself....once again

[stinkfoot]

"I'm having an out of body experience"

[crummyrummy]

I am busy getting my dog high.

[Love Fest1969]

I quit last week

[WiningWizard]

My arse hurts!!! :-(

I had a sex change...

The working-class scene gets me down...

People scare me...

I thought I took acid! Turns out it's DOX... I'm still squeezing my balls! AHH!!!

I had some scary nightmares!

The dog ate my clothes!

I just got busted with 3 lbs. of dope (the hard shit, not green!)...

Stayed up giving anal all night...

The ex just showed up...

I couldn't get the coffee maker to work!!!

Ran outta coke...

My house burnt down from a mishappen 'toaster' incident!

I'm locked in a cell!

The mental institute won't let me leave! Blue papered and drugged!

The oranges rotted, once again... fucking A!

Wicked, duuuuude!

[crummyrummy]

QVC has some wicked deals, yo

[farmout]

wind blew a tree across the road, can't get out of the holler........:-)

[crummyrummy]

I am on strike.

[stonedmonkiwana]

I have such a horrible headache.. I couldn't possibly come to work...

[farmout]

I got the male menopause goin on......:-)

[crummyrummy]

I am buried in the sand up to my neck

[Rock Hard]

I have found a new religion and today is classed as "Couldn't be F*cked coming to work today" Day.

[crummyrummy]

angry monkies stole my car keys

[PriceCheck]

My hair is caught in my fly again.

[crummyrummy]

my hair is caught in a time vacuum

[Rock Hard]

Masturbation has made me go blind.....for the 8th time this week. And its only Monday.

[crummyrummy]

all my clothes are a the dry cleaners

[PriceCheck]

I'm just in the emergency room now I, um, sat on a really skinny can and it somehow made its way up my butt.

[crummyrummy]

I am having a republican surgically removed from my ass

[astaff]

ive used this one alot. and i have never gotten questioned.
"im sorry i cant come in today.. i have explosive diareah."
yea my spelling is off but you get the picture

[FlyingBurritoBro]

Someone shit in my pants...

[crummyrummy]

a mime has me trapped in an invisible box

[stinkfoot]

I locked my keys outside of my car and can't escape.

[Rock Hard]

I've got blackmail material on the boss and I'm hungover as hell.

[i_was_in_shroom_land]

i seem to be missing my feet, and i can't find them anywhere...

[crummyrummy]

I am stuck in shroom land

[farmout]

There seem's to be some kind of flying monkey's outside my house......:-)

[Love Fest1969]

i'm training for this year's christmas party.

[crummyrummy]

Hogans Heros is on.

[Love Fest1969]

its an all day matlock marathon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[farmout]

I ran out of toilet paper.............:-)

[crummyrummy]

my piercing is caught in the garbage disposal

[FlyingBurritoBro]

I have my gf's pubes stuck between my teeth. Do you really want me serving french fries?

[PriceCheck]

I can't find the light switch.

[stonedmonkiwana]

I forgot how to drive

[couch_monster]

My vagina fell off

[crummyrummy]

I swallowed my car keys

[farmout]

have to report to the induction center, got drafted......:-)

[i_was_in_shroom_land]

my phone isn't working, and i have to stay in to fix it.

[farmout]

all day Andy Griffith marathon goin on......:-)

[stonedmonkiwana]

I forgot where I parked my car.

[crummyrummy]

some shroomed out upright bass thumping stoned monkey have duct taped my entire house shut.

[stonedmonkiwana]

Huge tarantulas have surrounded my house, and I'm afraid to go outside.

[crummyrummy]

Godzilla stepped on my car

[stonedmonkiwana]

The Jehovah's Witnesses came over!

[crummyrummy]

I am kinda holding 14 people hpstage at a bank right now, but if this all works out, I'll be in Friday.

[stonedmonkiwana]

My psychic has forbidden me from doing any activities today.

[crummyrummy]

My eyes are glued shut, and I cannot drive.

[bandbeyondescription]

was fired
:D

[stonedmonkiwana]

I just remember that I hate working

[crummyrummy]

because your the man, and I can no longer work for the man.

[stonedmonkiwana]

There are aliens in my cornfield.. and I park my car in the cornfield.

[crummyrummy]

I am busy convincing someone I am an alien and in her cornfield.

[stonedmonkiwana]

^^LOL!

My Great-Great-Great-Great Grandpa came over to visit me

[farmout]

I gotta watch the presidential debates.......:-)

[stonedmonkiwana]

I am no longer able to breathe on my own

[FlyingBurritoBro]

I spent my gas money on herb and it's too far to walk.

[indian~summer]

because i'm a woman and women don't belong in the work place, therefore instead of coming into work today i've decided to stay at home, fuck my husband and bake a pie whilst finishing sewing the curtains for the dinning room
:)

[FlyingBurritoBro]

I am married to indian~summer, and must do the deed so that we'll have curtains.

[stonedmonkiwana]

The View is on!!! I couldn't possibly go to work and miss it!!!

[crummyrummy]

There is a scary dog roaming my town, I cant risk it.

[stonedmonkiwana]

There is a werewolf living in my car.. I'm afraid to go near it.

[crummyrummy]

The lawn jockies are staring at me.

[stonedmonkiwana]

The gnomes in the yard have come alive!!!

[Rock Hard]

I took some viagra this morning, and I don't want to waste it on the "Pricks" at work

[stonedmonkiwana]

I want to watch cartoons!

[Rock Hard]

The Coyote has finally caught the Road Runner and I want to see what ACME product he is going to use to cook him.

[stonedmonkiwana]

My mouse gave birth

[Rock Hard]

Its hump day, and all I want to do is hump!

[stonedmonkiwana]

I have to go buy some weed from my dealer.

[Rock Hard]

The scar from where they cut my other head off is hurting.

[PriceCheck]

I accidentally stapled my hand to my forehead.

[stonedmonkiwana]

I had an accident with the garbage disposal.

[Rock Hard]

My mum said I look sick.

[stonedmonkiwana]

I just sprained my ankle... oops.

[Rock Hard]

I've taken 2 aspirin with a drink of coke and I've started buzzing out!

[stonedmonkiwana]

I am feeling out of sorts.. *cough cough*

[Rock Hard]

I've got this huge boil on the inside of my........beeeeeeeeeep

[PriceCheck]

I threw my back out having sex with your dad.

[Love Fest1969]

...I hate everyone I work with.

[stonedmonkiwana]

I know that everyone at work hates me!

[crummyrummy]

your daughter has me tied to your bed.

[themnax]

because of the earthquake, and the cops have yellow tape stretched out all the way accrossed the contry side and they said on the news they'd shoot to kill anyone they caught trying to cross it.

=^^=
.../\...

[i_was_in_shroom_land]

i'm trying to become a pornstar.

[farmout]

too stinky, water heater froze solid.......:-)

[crummyrummy]

The mayor just declared marital law, and I cant leave my home until I become married.

[farmout]

too fat........:-)

[dollydagger]

I slipped and fell in a bottle of vodka

[farmout]

amnesia, cain't member nuttin..........:-)

[stonedmonkiwana]

The Golden Girls are on!

[Mr. Melty]

i died. alot. all over the carpet. and now i have to clean it up.

[stonedmonkiwana]

I have another job I have to go to

[FlyingBurritoBro]

I've spontaniously combusted and I'm aware of our company's no smoking while on duty policy.

[stonedmonkiwana]

I'm afraid to leave my house

[Rock Hard]

I put my G-String on back to front and nearly cut myself in half.

[stonedmonkiwana]

I am handcuffed to my bed and can't find that damn cuff key

[Rock Hard]

I have handcuffed a cool chick from Arkansas to her bed and I am looking for the handcuff key! :)

[stonedmonkiwana]

I decided to go to San Francisco