dont call me ash.

[Pablo]

I recall thinking I was a new life

seeing the sky now clear of smoke

feeling like it had been a nightmare

that had now passed



For the time dazed into innocence

too blank to wonder where I was

or to remember that the last thing i knew

was that I was going to die

a painful coward's death



The world was me, the blue above and a wisp of cloud

then pain crept into this world

first in my legs, as a numb sort of sting

I couldn’t power my body to lift my head and look

when I tried, more pain

in my back and chest

then worse, my mind brought back what had happened



I saw it again, and I felt the heat

an inferno that took away all senses guidance

the dark smoke and the roar

i had panicked and lost my way

fallen to the fire and lay dieing



Why then did I see

the dead don’t see

i felt now like a broken toy

no control of my destiny

not a thought in my head I could control

so I left them to argue while I watched



It was me

I started it

it was a mistake

I destroyed

everything

How could

I

be so

foolish



My head lifted

I thought it had just now

gotten its signal to rise

that I had tried a minute ago

It was without effort



The sound of loud wind stopped

though I hadn’t felt any wind

fingers snapped before my face

a voice spoke

a compassionate voice

A local accent

Come on boy be alive, please



As if I just noticed that I were not trying

I breathed and i could see real again

and I noticed why

it had held back the pain

first numbness rang through me

then my body parts put in their complaints



I felt I could speak

I think I’m gonna be ok

I couldn’t see this voices face

yeh you're gonna be fine man

[DandelionPrincess]

I like the rhythm and espically the analogy to a broken toy. The way the poem switches from calm to hell-like environment to heaven-like environment remindes me of The Divine Comedy.

[Pablo]

thanks, but why the frown?

[DandelionPrincess]

Sorry, it was supposed to be a thumbs up, I edited it.

[veinglory]

I like the narrative, but the spelling mistakes, small 'i's and missing apostrophe are distracting in my opinion.

[Pablo]

is that better?

[veinglory]

Yes.


This is an interesting narrative. there are some turns of phrase that are very effective. I like the last line slipping into dialogue.

I still don't like the small 'i's -- but that's just me

(coward[']s)

[Pablo]

thanks, i guess i missed some errors, how about now? hehe.