Exit Wounds

[NaykidApe]

Riding my bike
Around the lake on my way out of town,
Seems the roads the only place,
That ever feels like home.

No one's in sight
The world has pulled the shutters for the night
I'll leave the way that I came in,
unnoticed and alone,

There's a cool breeze blowing down the road,
Sounds like someone whispering, "It's time to go"...

But first I have to turn to take a picture with my mind,
And keep a bit of what I've left behind

And then I think of you,
And what we could have done together,
All the things we talked about,
And never got to do

That's when I think of you
And wonder if you'll think about me too,
Or was I just a phase,
That you were going through...

Lying in bed
Wrapped around somebody I just met,
Pushing me for promises,
she know's that I won't keep

She turns her head
And talks about how hard her life has been,
I pretend to listen as
she wanders off to sleep...

I must admit it's kind of nice
To hear a voice besides my own tonight...

But I wish she was like you
Somebody who could sit in silence
Someone who wouldn't mind
If I was silent too

I wish she was like you,
Somebody I could tell my secrets to,
Wish that I was making love,
Instead of trying to make do....

Riding my bike,
Off on any highway that I like,
Now that noone's got the right
To tell me where to go...

Guess that's just life,
We make our choices then we pay the price,
Everytime that we say "yes"
An echo comes back "no"

Now that distance makes it safe to feel,
I have to face the fact,
That I just couldn't deal,

Oh well,
Memories and regrets are something best left on the shelf,
Least that's what I keep trying to tell myself...

You know, I used to be like you,
Somebody who lived for the moment,
Someone who didn't care
About what might have been,

Wish I could be like you,
And walk away from something when it's through,
Wish that I could understand,
Why good things always end.

[kidder]

It has its poignant lyrical moments but it's too long. Get the eraser out!

[NaykidApe]

*Laughs* I know what you mean. I originally only posted one verse (it's a song) and I got raves.

I was going to give you shit about having a short attention span but than I got honest with myself and realized if I saw something this long in here by I probably wouldn't even have bothered to read it, so thanks.

[kidder]

You're welcome. And I don't mind taking shit. I just like to be as honest as I can in my comments. Your writing has potential. But like pizza, there really is a too-bigga size. When we get lean, we learn!

[NaykidApe]

(sigh) I'm put in mind of that scene from Amadaeus where the king tells Mozart his music has "too many notes".

My writing "has potential"? Yay!! It's good to know that the people who've actually paid me for my shit weren't just being nice?

[KittenX]

Aww Naykid don't feel despondent. "You have potential" is kidder's trademark phrase. Don't take it to heart. ;)

I like how breezy this is, not bogged down, reads well in one sitting. But I must say toward the end at about this stanza
[Guess that's just life..]
you seem to lose a bit of focus and wander off, though with the last stanza you bring the poem back home. There are some bluesy currents in this that I enjoyed, they're not the most original per se but in this context they fit and help create the mood you're shooting for.
My personal favorites were
[Seems the roads the only place,
That ever feels like home.]
....
[The world has pulled the shutters for the night]
...
[Lying in bed
Wrapped around somebody I just met,]

And I think the most striking stanza for me was this one with great flow, not over rhymey but just right.
[But I wish she was like you
Somebody who could sit in silence
Someone who wouldn't mind
If I was silent too]

[kidder]

Hey, if you're getting paid keep going back. I'm all for free enterprise. But they didn't pay you for this one. Kitten's pissed with me so I'll let that one pass.
Okay, you want the doctor? Fine. Your first stanza clicks. Twice a week in the evening I tutor high school students in writing (and maybe that's why I sound so crassly pedantic at times) and in essays or stories or poems I'll say circle what you think works and let's talk about it. Your first stanza works because it flows. It's naturally lyrical and could easily preface a song. And you have that wonderful false rhyme with 'town' and 'home'. Problem is you've established an unstated but aurally tangible expectation with the structure of the first verse. That's why you start to stumble in the second stanza with the coupled rhyme.
But...you resurface with that wonderful stanza 'Lying in bed...' anointed again with a terrific false rhyme.
As I said 'you have potential' and it's not a glib pronouncement. You have a great start but it's still a draft. Yeah, I know, I'm a draft too.

[deram_scholzara]

I actualy like it's length. There are a lot of words and a lot of verses, but each has it's place in my mind.
And not all good things come to an end...I hope that one day you find something that lasts for eternity.
I too wish I could walk away from what's finished, but I always hope that the end is an illusion.

[NaykidApe]

Thanx everybody. I wasn't despondent kitten, I made that post with my tongue in my cheek.

It's impossible for me to read my own lyrics without hearing the music they belong to so I can't really tell if they work on their own.

Hey deram, if things lasted forever what would we write about?

[StickyPoohy]

Hey deram, if things lasted forever what would we write about?



:H...How about eternity?
Nice...AND long, by the way!!


S.