A Strategy...

[LogsOnSticks]

Okay, its a little bit...Hard to reach, but, I'd figure I'd give you the situation to see your response...

Since I am gay and I'm currently in the closet, and since I feel like coming out isn't the best choice right now, I want to attempt to form a relationship beneath the surface, and if worst comes to worst, with a few people knowing...

So there's this guy I've only met twice, and he's a friend of my really and practically only good friend...
Let's start out by saying he's most likely gay, being highly metro, having I believe little or no experience with girls, being pretty flambuoyant, hanging out with mostly girls, and once expressing his gay feelings to a friend of his, later denying it (They say denial is one of the steps to coming out). With all of that said, everyone's consensus that knows him is that he is gay.

Now I know its not good to be shallow and base things upon sterotypes, but then there's also gaydar, and my gaydar is pretty accurate.

So now with the general assumption that he's gay, I like him. I've got this good vibe from him that we can be a couple. Not to mention the fact that we both work at the Church (Not the same one, of course). You probably think I'm crazy since I've only met this guy twice, but hey, I've got nothing better to do with my so-called love life.

So now comes the fantasizing about what could be, yet it can't be, because I'm a closet gay...And it hurts me...If I were only open about my sexiality, the chances of this guy being drawn to me would be bigger...Unfortunately, its not, so, I strategize over how the hell I could possibly pursue this relationship I get a good vibe on...

My friend talks about her "circle of friends" nonstop. Its all she ever talks about. So naturally, the guy comes up as a topic now and then. I try to spark an interest when she talks about him. I try to make comments back to her, like I'm specifically interested with this guy. I always hope that she may recognize it so that she'd invite me to hang out with her friends, but she doesn't (They don't live in our area, so its not like I see them around town). So, I just sit and wait, hoping that the next time I see him, I'll be able to develop a bond with him that could gradually increase, forming into a secret relationsip, or at least limited to some people.

If I were to come out at a bad time, and risk getting this relationship that may not even work or happen, then it would currently be pointless to come out. Rather, I try to find a way to possibly seek this relationship to happen under the surface, which would be a safer route...

But nothing's working...Sigh....It sucks, because a friend(sorta) of mine met this guy in a play, and my friend and me have the assumption that they're a couple (Yes, gaydar says so too), and to see that the two of them are in an "under the surface relationship" is bittersweet for me...

Sigh...If ONLY I could meet a gay guy I'd like and then something would come true....The sad part is that I get a good vibe from this guy that something could work out, and usually I'm not naive in situations...But who knows, love is like wolf in sheep clothing.

Any ideas or advice? Thanks!

[rocknroll_girl]

My advice: be very careful. There are two tricky things that could happen to your emotions...I've been there


One, you could confuse the simple rush of FINALLY knowing someone else who's probably gay with romantic feelings. They're often very close in nature but completely different issues. Chances are if the rush is so great that it would result in an immediate crush, you need to meet more gay people. I thought this was the case for me, but I was wrong, it was more complicated.

Two, you could fail to analyze the feelings as actual romantic attraction (due to the above reason), dismissing it and second-guessing yourself. Even if that hasn't occurred to you yet, it may later.

It's most important to think directly about your feelings for this guy. Examine the "spark," if there is one, between the two of you out of other social contexts that tend to get in the way bigtime. Things like closet issues (which are huge, but shouldn't be the number one concern), his sexuality, his possible boyfriend (!!!yikes) family, church, friends...you can figure those out AFTER you've determined whether he's worth your time.

Even for friendship. I hope something works out, and hope your heart doesn't end up hurting too much.

hugs,
Eliza

[LogsOnSticks]

Very good points that I'll need to take into consideration...

I mean, I have met other gay guys to a limited extent, but there was no spark to them...There's a spark to this guy, which is why I feel like something could happen if the two of us ever got together...

But, the chances of that happening are slim, so I get hurt pretty much either way...Damn romance!

[Snowdancer]

Is there anything about your job in the church that you would normally contact him about? Like, I don't know, getting his opinion about something better yet getting his advice? Especially good if you 2 would have to meet to acomplish this. There is nothing like a 1 on 1 to get to know someone better. If there would be something ongoing that would even be better but that would probably be harder to orchestrate.

Here's where I am coming from with this. If you are meeting him & it's work related your mutual friend would be less suspicious. A good ongoing romantic relationship also has to include friendship. That could establish itself or not when you meet with him. Becoming friends with him also you would be able to first hand determine where he is sexually better than getting any information filtering through other people or from afar. Taking the step from friendship to romance will eventually be a leap of faith but once you know him better it could be a shorter leap or you may even know that it isn't worth the jump. There is also the possibility that this guy is your soulmate. You & he are going to know that if you let yourself atune to it.

Rocknroll_girl once again is giving sage advice. There are emotional dangers within all of this no matter what you do. Establishing a friendship first though can diffuse some problems that could arise.

I don't know how the mutual friend feels about GLBT people or how close to the other guy that relationship is. Something that is going to be difficult as time goes on if you do become romantic is to stay in the closet. I'm sure you have considered that already. It isn't impossible but it is something that you need to consider. Staying in the closet is difficult no matter what IMHO. Especially if you are going steady or more. I also don't know about you but when I fall in love it shows. You can judge for yourself how in control of outward signs of your emotions you can be.

Just some things to think about with the hope that they can help....

Good luck, have fun, play safely, be true to your soul