Why extended family sucks.

[rocknroll_girl]

I've been lucky to have a really supportive immediate family. My extended family on my dad's side, however, is the biggest bunch of born again Christian maniacs you'll ever meet.

This was not such a problem when I was younger.

Now it is a problem. With immediate family, blatant homophobia that arises (I can only imagine) is dealt with either by staying deep in the closet but still indicating that you're pissed or by coming out and directly confronting them with yourself as pathos. Either way, they eventually figure out the way you feel about "the whole thing," even if you're in a strict Bible Belt situation.

With extended family, it's different. Soooo much more is just brushed off. Even supportive immediate family says nothing to confront it, and there's so much emphasis on being POLITE and making sure everyone GETS ALONG that completely bigoted bullshit can fly freely. It's awful because not only are you not out, but you're not stating your position for the sake of family harmony, and they even think you AGREE! Family get-togethers that used to be so much fun suck.

Anyone know what I mean by the difference? I know that most people have difficulty coming out to their immediate family, but my point is that they are always there and you always will have to work all kinds of shit out with them...while extended family is like a constant state of denial and fakeness. Maybe for a lot of people that feeling applies to both groups. Bleah...

[SelfControl]

With your immediate family you feel more obliged to tell them, because you spend more time with them. Whereas extended family you only see now and then, but when you see them it tends to be the kind of family gatherings where no-one really knows what to say to the teens and early twenties beyond "So... are you courting??"

Might just be my family. I was lucky enough to go to school with my cousin's fiancŽ, so I'm guessing most of that side know now. It's just a question of whether I wait for my grandparents to kick it before I make it a more public thing.

If it makes you feel any better, your entire extended family probably feud amongst themselves, and spend as much time gritting their teeth and biting their tongues* at Christmas and birthdays as you do.

* can you do both at once?

[rocknroll_girl]

I never thought about it (3rd paragraph) that way.


You can absolutely do both at once.

[Taylor]

that does suck... i suppose thats an upside to not living in the same country as your entire extended family.

[SelfControl]

Seriously, the older we get, the more we find out about how our entirely extended family is an intricate web of hatred, bitterness and jealousy. That's why people spend days on seating plans.

[Mr. SelfDestruct]

ditto...my extended family get's together on holidays to gossip about eachother. I can't stand it, and I don't get involved. My gf's family is pretty nice tho.

Families can get complex. Just don't let it get ya down, and don't forget that you are young and have plenty of happy holidays in front of you!

[LogsOnSticks]

For me, its 50/50
Homosexuality is like a heredity on my dad's side...
My uncle was gay, I have a gay second cousin, and a lesbian second cousin. Therefore, they're obviously more respectful and understanding to the whole gay lfestyle. They pretty much accept it for what it is and they don't treat you differently.

My mom's side, however, isn't so great...
My grandparents are STRICT Catholics, (And pretty much Church hypocrites at that) so they won't take the issue lightly. They're a huge part in my life, so naturally its going to affect me. My aunt and uncles will probably be okay with it, but it will probably always be a topic for them to talk about or think about where it would be an awkward presence....

Very true, Rock...My immediate family WILL be supportive at that...

Sigh...As you grow older, you are revealed to the monstrocities that occur in your family, its sad...I miss the good old days when I was six and family gatherings were actually a blessing and FUN. Now, its more of a gossip gathering, or a family feud competition.

[SageDreamer]

rocknroll girl, I sympatize with your situation. However, some of us have the exact opposite situation. Our immediate families are not so accepting, while we get the support we crave from our extended families.