nirgal
10-30-2004, 02:23 PM
I've lost track of the link, but this is the essence of what Kim referenced in the other thread....
Equal Partnership
Two Healthy Ego's at Center
"If you want to try making relationship your yoga, there are three models of healthy manifestations of love that you might consider exploring. Mindfulness can help you with each. The first is what I call "two healthy egos at the center," which is based on a balanced, honest exchange between two people.
This is the modern ideal of what relationships and intimacy are supposed to be. It is a union of equals, a partnership. Each partner desires to act in a way that is helpful, empowering, and loving to the other. And likewise, each partner expects to receive an equal amount of attention and help in return. This fair exchange includes mutual decision making, sharing of the work, and equal respect for the values and needs of each other.
In a healthy version of this partnership exchange, each person genuinely wants to be fair in giving to the other. This means that even if one partner has some advantage, such that he does not have to give as much as he receives, there is still no exploitation. Each partner gives a fair exchange, ignoring any power advantage. Why? Because each person believes that giving love to the other is a reward in itself. Therefore, the relationship has warmth and spontaneity at its core.
The next form is.....
Trust in Love
The second option for a healthy relationship includes some or all of the healthy exchange of the partnership, but is based more on the idea of love being connected to Spirit. I call this option "love and ego at the center." In the partnership model, your ego sense of self is at the center of the relationship and the relationship is about having your sense of self become ever more healthy. In this second option, your ego is still at the center, but the center has expanded to include a direct experience of love that is independent of ego needs. Therefore, love shares the center with you, and both you and your partner can become the beneficiaries of that love.
Can you see how radically different this type of relationship is? How many more possibilities of a meaningful life it offers to those who are ready for it? You are no longer keeping score, because you are not thinking in terms of an exchange, but rather your primary relationship is with love itself. Your partner represents your commitment to connection and nonseparation, just as was true with courtly love. He or she is the recipient and the inspiration for your deeper relationship to love, but you are not requiring him or her to buy, barter, or otherwise earn your love in any way.
This model will not work in an unhealthy relationship; it has to be enacted with someone who can at least meet the partnership model of love. When love and ego are at the center, you are not abandoning or martyring yourself. Instead, you are giving up certain expectations, which means that your relationship to the energy of love is not dependent on your partner. Your capacity to love grows based on your ever-deepening maturity. The delight in giving happiness to another is at the core. You see your partner through the lens of love, not because he or she is perfect, but because love is not about judging, keeping score, or seeking advantage. It is simply expressing itself.
In this type of relationship, your partner might be less than you desire and there may be many challenges, but these disappointments are not devastating to you, because your happiness is based on the experience of nonselfish love. It is similar to a parent's love for a child. If that love is healthy, the parent does not measure love with the child nor expect an equal exchange; it is the feeling of pleasure in giving that is important. This expanded notion of love is possible only if you believe there is an energetic space in the psyche that is love, with which you can enter into a relationship.
You can see why this option of loving invigorates your dharma practice. Your ego, although still at the center, is slowly transformed by this love that is not based on ego needs. It is this kind of love energy that leads to the Buddhistbodhichitta vow of dedication to the liberation of all beings. You are moving from a personal, self-interested love to an impersonal love that can spread from your partner to other people, and finally to all beings.
This is basically how twinflame relationships are by nature, because of the lack of karma to be worked out between the partners. That energy is then free for other work.
The third, which I did not copy, is essentially an egoless relationship, where love is all.
And...
Unhealthy Relationships
It is imperative, however, that you be able to make the distinction between a relationship that is healthy and one that is unhealthy at its core. Basically, in an unhealthy relationship, your sense of an open, vulnerable self is ravaged and your connection to Spirit is suppressed, as is your spontaneity. You have no sense of possibility for inner development and feel shut off from the joy of life. These unhealthy conditions may arise because of abusive psychological, emotional, or physical factors or because of strong incompatibility that offers no possibility of negotiation. The relationship deadens Spirit; you feel lifeless inside. Your partner might be the one at fault, or you, or both, either because of personal wounds or because the two of you are simply mismatched. If you repeatedly experience the relationship as having an unhealthy core, ending it may be the wise and compassionate course of action."
Equal Partnership
Two Healthy Ego's at Center
"If you want to try making relationship your yoga, there are three models of healthy manifestations of love that you might consider exploring. Mindfulness can help you with each. The first is what I call "two healthy egos at the center," which is based on a balanced, honest exchange between two people.
This is the modern ideal of what relationships and intimacy are supposed to be. It is a union of equals, a partnership. Each partner desires to act in a way that is helpful, empowering, and loving to the other. And likewise, each partner expects to receive an equal amount of attention and help in return. This fair exchange includes mutual decision making, sharing of the work, and equal respect for the values and needs of each other.
In a healthy version of this partnership exchange, each person genuinely wants to be fair in giving to the other. This means that even if one partner has some advantage, such that he does not have to give as much as he receives, there is still no exploitation. Each partner gives a fair exchange, ignoring any power advantage. Why? Because each person believes that giving love to the other is a reward in itself. Therefore, the relationship has warmth and spontaneity at its core.
The next form is.....
Trust in Love
The second option for a healthy relationship includes some or all of the healthy exchange of the partnership, but is based more on the idea of love being connected to Spirit. I call this option "love and ego at the center." In the partnership model, your ego sense of self is at the center of the relationship and the relationship is about having your sense of self become ever more healthy. In this second option, your ego is still at the center, but the center has expanded to include a direct experience of love that is independent of ego needs. Therefore, love shares the center with you, and both you and your partner can become the beneficiaries of that love.
Can you see how radically different this type of relationship is? How many more possibilities of a meaningful life it offers to those who are ready for it? You are no longer keeping score, because you are not thinking in terms of an exchange, but rather your primary relationship is with love itself. Your partner represents your commitment to connection and nonseparation, just as was true with courtly love. He or she is the recipient and the inspiration for your deeper relationship to love, but you are not requiring him or her to buy, barter, or otherwise earn your love in any way.
This model will not work in an unhealthy relationship; it has to be enacted with someone who can at least meet the partnership model of love. When love and ego are at the center, you are not abandoning or martyring yourself. Instead, you are giving up certain expectations, which means that your relationship to the energy of love is not dependent on your partner. Your capacity to love grows based on your ever-deepening maturity. The delight in giving happiness to another is at the core. You see your partner through the lens of love, not because he or she is perfect, but because love is not about judging, keeping score, or seeking advantage. It is simply expressing itself.
In this type of relationship, your partner might be less than you desire and there may be many challenges, but these disappointments are not devastating to you, because your happiness is based on the experience of nonselfish love. It is similar to a parent's love for a child. If that love is healthy, the parent does not measure love with the child nor expect an equal exchange; it is the feeling of pleasure in giving that is important. This expanded notion of love is possible only if you believe there is an energetic space in the psyche that is love, with which you can enter into a relationship.
You can see why this option of loving invigorates your dharma practice. Your ego, although still at the center, is slowly transformed by this love that is not based on ego needs. It is this kind of love energy that leads to the Buddhistbodhichitta vow of dedication to the liberation of all beings. You are moving from a personal, self-interested love to an impersonal love that can spread from your partner to other people, and finally to all beings.
This is basically how twinflame relationships are by nature, because of the lack of karma to be worked out between the partners. That energy is then free for other work.
The third, which I did not copy, is essentially an egoless relationship, where love is all.
And...
Unhealthy Relationships
It is imperative, however, that you be able to make the distinction between a relationship that is healthy and one that is unhealthy at its core. Basically, in an unhealthy relationship, your sense of an open, vulnerable self is ravaged and your connection to Spirit is suppressed, as is your spontaneity. You have no sense of possibility for inner development and feel shut off from the joy of life. These unhealthy conditions may arise because of abusive psychological, emotional, or physical factors or because of strong incompatibility that offers no possibility of negotiation. The relationship deadens Spirit; you feel lifeless inside. Your partner might be the one at fault, or you, or both, either because of personal wounds or because the two of you are simply mismatched. If you repeatedly experience the relationship as having an unhealthy core, ending it may be the wise and compassionate course of action."