Top/bottom/ active/passive (merged)

[Sunburst]

Are you the guy or the girl in the relationship?









Hmm. I dunno, I'll check...Yep! A vagina! I must be the girl!

[Bilby]

I thought you already had a partner.

[gertie]

the guy or the girl? can't i just take it as i am and as you are?

[Sunburst]

I do, but the last 3 times I have dated girls, before she asked me out that would always be the first question I got. Seriously, I'm trying NOT to fall into stereoptypical gender roles. I like buying her stuff and paying for dates and doing random romantic things and doing certain things that would be considered from the "guy's role", but I am obviously female and therefore fall into the female role as well.

Can't they just avoid asking that? It has nothing to do with anything, and if they undertsood me, they would understand that it doesn't matter.

[gertie]

ff/mm/mf... i wish we could just throw out all over dependence on stereotypical gender roles and just be ourselves.

[SelfControl]

It seems like a weird question. You could just say neither.

[psyche]

ew that's kind of insulting. they could at least use the words dominant or submissive... because one often does take one of those roles in a relationship, but it doesn't matter what the gender combination is of people. i know a lot of couples in which the girl is the dominant one.

[MattInVegas]

Love isn't about Roll Play!!! It's about "Will You LOVE me"? The Dating part is to see if you can be open enough to get to know each other before becoming a couple.

[rocknroll_girl]

Agreed. Weird question.

[Taylor]

not that weird... i've hd people ask me that and its just cos they're not open enough to have thought about traditional gender roles and how they don't have to apply. society's norms, you know?

[water_baby]

?

[Ocean Byrd]

Femme; although I suppose I could be rather butch in bed. ;)

[Green]

Whats a butch and a femme?

[Bassist]

Whats a butch and a femme? butch = lesbian tomboy
femme = purely feminine lesbian

[soulrebel51]

femme here. :sunglasse

[tigerlily]

what about adrogynous- somewhere in the middle. or would that be considered femme still?

[txbarefooter]

not "he man" butch, but not femme either.

hey soulrebel, good to see ya again !!

[SageDreamer]

Butch, mostly.

[james q]

depends. generally butch. i hate preciousness. but then on occasion i love to be girlie. esp if barbra streisand's on the radio.

[Patch]

i can go both...generally i am pretty sporty but i am still a girl...i don't like to fuss over myself too much and i usually don't wear makeup unless i am out somewhere facy with my mom...which is very rare but it does happen. i like to be comfortable...so that's that.
oh...and i do wear boys clothes...sometimes...

[Ocean Byrd]

Meh, I go more along the lines of androgyny... I'm all femme, but, I'm a tomboy, too... I can be really girly, or, overcome that and get my hands dirty... I'm dominantly submissive, I guess. :p

[MSman]

well, while im not a girl, im mostly masculine, but i can be femm occationally ;) .

[feministhippy]

I'm Jessica.

[Chiana20]

Im mostly adrogynous, but I can be fem or tomboy depending who I like or going out with. But really mostly me. holla.

[Defence_mechanism]

yeah im andro as well. i dont think theres really a binary of butch and femme. there are multitudes of gender identities that lesbians can fit into.

[lutsko67]

A FemMe But If U Piss Me Off , The Butch In Me Comes Out!! Ps. MY G/f Is A Sexi Stud Butch !!! Hugs And Licks 2 All !!

[kif]

Im just me. Call it what you want?

[NaiveMelody]

Pretty much femme...

[Freakylovergirl]

femme

[white ginger]

Both and more

[NovaOne]

Aren't you describing the way all women are--whether they're straight or gay?

[luxhombre]

Hello everyone

1 I was wondering, as gays, what do you prefer the most:
being Top
or
Bottom

2 do you find any difference between?
3 can you / do you stay loyal to your boyfriend?

[SageDreamer]

Yes, I do stay loyal to my boyfriend. Many gay men do.

The other questions just don't matter.

[bkcmar]

I am a bottom. It is just my personal preference.

I have had boyfriends and lovers and it depends on the relationship. With my last lover we had an open relationship. We were loyal to one another in our hearts. However, we did bring in other sex partners for 3 ways and 4 ways. Additionally, we did trick around.

[Patrick]

Bottom because I am feminine. I think I should have been a girl.:(
Promiscuous, "I don't really do relationships."

[Panzer]

I'm versitile, and I can't imagine why someone would limit themselves to top or bottom. I am entirely capable of being monogamous

[llamakarma]

i'm versatile. with my first boyfriend i always bottomed because that's what he insisted, after we broke up and i started sleeping around i stayed a 'bottom' because i was afraid to top for the first time with someone who'd probably just laugh at my inexperience. then i met a man with whom i am still great friends, it was always fairly casual but we were together for a couple of months and he was versatile, but prefered to bottom. he was great and with him i discovered that i loved being a top too.

my current boyfriend is also versatile, but i was his first and he's new to sex so if he decides he has a preference that'll be fine by me. i love the sensations of being a top and a bottom. being a bottom feels amazing with the right person, but being a top really gives me the feeling that i'm making love to my boyfriend, who yes i am totally loyal to. i've been promiscuous before and learnt that it's not for me.

[luxhombre]

it is always great to hear from some of hip gays experiences, and I am happy to see you all proud of yourselves, but what would you advice a beginner?

[anvil]

I would like to understand what makes a man a total top or a total bottom. Which are you and why? Do you enjoy being both?

[Panzer]

I am versatile and perfer the same. I personaly consider the top/bottom thing to be closeminded and selfish. When I found out that many people are one or the other I was shocked that so much of the comunity would act and self identify in a way that I personaly consider so degrating and shameful.

[mushie18]

Well, I disagree with Panzer, I don't think it's selfish to be one or the other.

I am generally a top. I don't enjoy being the bottom. It's supposed to be pleasurable, and I don't receive any pleasure, so I don't do it. That doesn't mean I won't, but it's not something I enjoy doing.

However, I wish I was versatile, It's just not my thing.

[Sasssss]

I really don't buy into the whole idea of someone being just a top or bottom. I know there are a few guys who really are just a top but that's rare. I have met too many guys that said they were top's but once you get them in the bedroom they become amours dick loving bottoms.
Besides I always make it clear that in the bedroom I like switching positions and I've never had anyone turn me down.
The best thing about switching is no one feels cheated at the end of the night

The only thing that is "selfish and close-minded" is when the guy on top shoots his load and doesn't make sure the other guy gets off, that's just plain arrogant, rude and self-serving.

The only time I won't let another guy pop my butt is if he has a huge dick, my butt is very tight and I plan to keep it that way.

[bi4ever]

I am versatile, but in this way. If I am with a very feminine guy or with a transsexual, I'm going to be both top and bottom. If I am with a masculine (yet gentle) man, then I am bottom only.

[hipunk]

.Panzer,

There are many dynamics in sexual relationships. Top or Bottom, Give or Receive, do or done are different names for one kind of dynamic. (we also have to concider love, spirit as well as immediate physical concerns) I won't try to explain why folks have different ways of approaching these dynamics. Some 'liberated' women believe that if they are on the bottom they are submitting to oppression, but if they are on top, their partner is not. I don't get it -but I don't have to.

You believe that top/bottom is "close-minded and selfish." I could never say that. I do think alot of gay folks develop more equal relationships, though. That is a lesson we can share with the mundane world. However, the dynamics and general "pleasure" of the sexual act is far more complicated than a manifesto of equality.

I can go either way, but don't tell my boyfriend. I am always reluctant to relinquish being on the bottom. For a very simple reason -because after I do, my lovers never want to be on top again.
.

[bi4ever]

.Panzer,

There are many dynamics in sexual relationships. Top or Bottom, Give or Receive, do or done are different names for one kind of dynamic. (we also have to concider love, spirit as well as immediate physical concerns) I won't try to explain why folks have different ways of approaching these dynamics. Some 'liberated' women believe that if they are on the bottom they are submitting to oppression, but if they are on top, their partner is not. I don't get it -but I don't have to.

You believe that top/bottom is "close-minded and selfish." I could never say that. I do think alot of gay folks develop more equal relationships, though. That is a lesson we can share with the mundane world. However, the dynamics and general "pleasure" of the sexual act is far more complicated than a manifesto of equality.

I can go either way, but don't tell my boyfriend. I am always reluctant to relinquish being on the bottom. For a very simple reason -because after I do, my lovers never want to be on top again.
.The bigger question, I believe most of here to have, is this: why do your lovers not want to be on top again? Because you're tight (I doubt it, LOL). You scream too much? (like that flaming fag on The Bird Cage) You fart with each thrust? (just how to throw that out there, LOL).

[txbarefooter]

I too disagree with panzer and sassss.

how is it selfish to be one or the other if that is your nature ?

I am a total bottom, I have always been one, even before I first had sex I knew I wanted to be the receiver, the one dominated, the bottom. it is what I like and I don't feel selfish. I am giving myself to my lover, mind - body - spirit, he is a total top. he also likes to dominate and I like to be dominated, in short we have a symbiotic relationship. he did bottom once and didn't like it, not because he wasn't in control it was that he didn't like the physical feeling of being the receiver.

[hipunk]

bi4ever asks:
"why do your lovers not want to be on top again?"
. "Because you're tight" (I doubt it, LOL).
Listen, being tight (Kegels), makes them want to be on top, silly.
. "You scream too much? (like that flaming fag on The Bird Cage)"
I don't scream like that, but I probably do scream too much when I'm being...
. "You fart with each thrust?"
I thought real men liked that!

Okay, to answer your question, just bend over and I'll show you why my boyfriends never want to be on top again.

[amp7325]

Never had sex. But I bet I'd be pretty versatile.

[Night_Owl49]

I'm generally a top, but I'd bottom for the right person.

[Sherlock Holmes]

I've never had anal sex yet either, but I definitely identify as versatile.

I can believe that being a total top or bottom can be selfish, but only if a person decides to always be dominant or submissive and never give the other person a chance. I don't really find it wrong to prefer one or the other.

I once read a statistic that said that 50% of gay men do not enjoy anal sex. So I can't say for myself that all gay men should be versatile. All I know is that I would prefer to be with a guy who is.

[Panzer]

Hmm, well, although people won't like this, I'll explain my self further. To me anyone who looks at a relationship as a chance to "dominate" or be "dominated" doesn't really know what love is and often has some emotional issues.

[Nichya]

LoL I'm def a bottom.. But i'm a fem.. Umm.. Well ever since I was young I always looked at life from a womans point of view.. I can never picture myself being top.. I need a man.. HAHAHA

[txbarefooter]

for my situation I like being dominated and he likes dominating in the bedroom in other words sexually, out side of the bedroom we have a very "normal" relationship - give and take .. we love each other and see to each others well being.

also I do not have emotional issues ! Not everyone fits into a mold

[mrpwonder]

Top usually...

[Sasssss]

I too disagree with panzer and sassss.

how is it selfish to be one or the other if that is your nature ?

I am a total bottom, I have always been one, even before I first had sex I knew I wanted to be the receiver, the one dominated, the bottom. it is what I like and I don't feel selfish. I am giving myself to my lover, mind - body - spirit, he is a total top. he also likes to dominate and I like to be dominated, in short we have a symbiotic relationship. he did bottom once and didn't like it, not because he wasn't in control it was that he didn't like the physical feeling of being the receiver.Hi Tx Barefoot, I think you misunderstood what I wrote. I didn't mean to say it was "selfish" to be strickly a Top or Bottom what I wanted to express is that its rare that someone really is totally just a Top or Bottom.

Let me put it this way, I have for the most part considered myself to be a top. However, there are times I like being the bottom as well, lets face it, it feels good, very good when someone you truly care about wheather its a boyfriend or just your bestfriend who is sticking it in your butt and riding your ass like a Pogo stick (hahaha.)

The real point I was trying to make is that when two guys in a bedroom switch positions the sex is sooooo much more enjoyable, the sex lasts a lot longer, no one feels cheated and you both get to cum.

I know from what you wrote that you are a total bottom and your boyfriend is a total top. However, the point I was making is that NOT everyone feels the same. You, Me and everyone else can only speak from our own personal experiences and all I'm saying is that from my OWN personal experiences when guys switch positions everyone gets what they want and from my OWN personal exprience the sex is more pleasing, gratifying and enjoyable.

No offense TxBarefoot but I don't look at being a bottom as "being dominated", I just enjoy the physical and sensual sensations but the same thing applies to when I top a guy, I just like how his tight ass feels wrapped around my dick while I'm sliding up and down inside his ass. From what you wrote its all about being submissive and dominated and that's great for you, but for me its all about the sexual experience and giving and receiving in order to make sure the one you are with including yourself is satisfied; sexually and mentally.

That's not to say I'm right and you are wrong sex is a state of mind or how we preceive it to be.

[txbarefooter]

Hey Sassss,

thats cool, I guess I just took it the wrong way.

No offense taken, from MY experience completely giving myself to my lover is being "dominated" by him because I am giving him all: mind, body, soul, spirit

my use of dominated isn't as used in bds&m

[hipunk]

.
I posted this before, (sorry I don't have the link to that post) anyway, some of you have read this, to those who haven't it relates to this topic:

Here's a link to a recent study of chat room dudes, "Beyond Tops and Bottoms" (http://www.nickyee.com/ponder/topbottom.html). It's all about Tops and Bottoms and the "Correlations between Sex-Role Preference and Physical Preferences for Partners among Gay Men" The study details what is the preferred "body type" for a gay male Top or Bottom. Equally interesting is the even distribution of preference, top or bottom. I always thought there were more bottoms out there. (I guess i'm just more aware of the competition. :eek: )
.

[Night_Owl49]

.
I posted this before, (sorry I don't have the link to that post) anyway, some of you have read this, to those who haven't it relates to this topic:

Here's a link to a recent study of chat room dudes, "Beyond Tops and Bottoms" (http://www.nickyee.com/ponder/topbottom.html). It's all about Tops and Bottoms and the "Correlations between Sex-Role Preference and Physical Preferences for Partners among Gay Men" The study details what is the preferred "body type" for a gay male Top or Bottom. Equally interesting is the even distribution of preference, top or bottom. I always thought there were more bottoms out there. (I guess i'm just more aware of the competition. :eek: )
.Cool link, thanks.

[ShadowShifta]

I wasn't sure if i should post this thread in this genre, but i am confused so here it is.

I've never been in a relationship with another man 'cause i am still in the closet, but i do fantasize being with other men. I prefer seeing myself as the "submissive" one as I guess im more in touch with my emotions etc and i prefer seeing myself to be spooned rather than giving a spoon.

Anyway, I've never really known about the whole "on top" or "on the bottom" thing, I haven't fully decided what i prefer and im about 50/50 on the decision. Same goes for "anal sex", I'm unsure of who does what first.

[Samhain]

I wasn't sure if i should post this thread in this genre, but i am confused so here it is.

I've never been in a relationship with another man 'cause i am still in the closet, but i do fantasize being with other men. I prefer seeing myself as the "submissive" one as I guess im more in touch with my emotions etc and i prefer seeing myself to be spooned rather than giving a spoon.

Anyway, I've never really known about the whole "on top" or "on the bottom" thing, I haven't fully decided what i prefer and im about 50/50 on the decision. Same goes for "anal sex", I'm unsure of who does what first.
its completely up to the persons preference I know very masculine guys that liked to be fucked by fem guys, the only rule when it comes to sexuality is make sure its consensual and safe
S

[ShadowShifta]

Thanks, thats comforting to know, I'll be sure to make it consensual and safe when the time comes for me :)

[*~nathan~*]

I'm the girl lol. My bf is very masculine

[Cerunnos]

I think you raised a good question. From the discussion, it seems a lot of us have felt pigeonholed by the misunderstanging of gender roles in gay relationships.

I can totally see where that question would come up, especially from someone who has never experienced same-sex activity. Thanks for posing the question.

I tend to agree with Matt. Have you considered that one can be male and submissive or male and dominate. I can't just change my gender (ask any transgendered person who has tried..)

I primarily like being an aggressive bottom. However, depending on the person, I've really enjoyed topping. I think a lot of it depends on mood an chemistry.

What do others think?


Love isn't about Roll Play!!! It's about "Will You LOVE me"? The Dating part is to see if you can be open enough to get to know each other before becoming a couple.

[mushie18]

I take back my last statement... I'm completley versatile, and prefer to be with someone who is also versatile.

[PhoxxyLady]

ff/mm/mf... i wish we could just throw out all over dependence on stereotypical gender roles and just be ourselves.Me and my partner are far beyond stereotypical gender roles. Our gender is fluid, one can actually cause the other's gender to change. Sometimes I'm a butch and she's a femme; other times, we're both tomboys. For the most part, I would fall under the classification of high femme and she would be considered a tomboi. I enjoy being led, being the "girl" in the relationship... having a gentleman (or gentlebutch, in this case :P) who demonstrates faith in the concept of chivalry. I'm into traditional roles, but not from a gender perspective... more from one of values.

I treasure the fact that my partner opens doors for me, that she lights my cigarette for me, that she makes me feel protected; that she treats me with the utmost respect. None of this is because "she's the guy and I'm the girl," it's because we are who we are; we love eachother for who they are. In fact, we don't use descriptors like "femme" or "butch," we are comfortable with defining ourselves merely as: me. Alright, here's the real kicker: we identify ourselves as a lesbian couple when asked by someone. From a biological standpoint, we aren't technically a homosexual couple. You see, I'm a pre-op MTF, but only from a medical standpoint; I have never felt myself to be "trans" or any other variant of that term.

My partner sees me for who I am: a female (although, I no longer use the gender binary; the occurance of intersex really opened my eyes...), through and through. On every single level, my femininity (*shudder* I hate using social norms to describe myself...) is tangible and easily felt; it is in my every movement. Yet, at times, I could be considered to be "masculine" (since you can't be aggressive/assertive and be considered feminine at the same time... *rolls eyes*), but I'm not a male. Males/men don't own masculinity (which doesn't own aggresiveness/assertiveness, might I add), just as they don't own the dominant/active/whatever role in a relationship.

Roles in a relationship need to be negotiated; it is best when little to no change is required from either party in order to have an ideal give and take situation. That is how it is between my partner and me, but it also changes; we can experience several different dynamics in the course of one day: butch and femme, femme and tomboy, tomboy and tomboi, daddy and baby girl... We are in a league of our own; one which does not depend upon the recognition of others.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is: I guess you could say I'm "the girl." I'm not always "the girl," but it tends to be the set of gender roles I am most comfortable with.

EDIT: As for the bedroom, it's all over the place for me... It depends on how either of us feel at the time. :P

[happyonehit420]

eh, i'm either or. depends on who I'm with. I prefer to be the "girl" in the relationship, though.

[wimmiamhuggin]

i like to be both depends on my mood...like right now if someone were here id love a hard ass pounding deep and long man that'd feel nice

[Vanilla Gorilla]

We are both the guy