on perception.

[MagnanimityMan]

i was going through a scrapbook of mine earlier today, and came across a little thing i wrote to myself when i was 15. i'd love to share =):

"things make sense when you convince yourself they all work out. just convincing yourself though, it's a thin thin thin grasp. it's going to slip, inevitablly. lets just keep holding on as long as we can though. imagining letting go and what life would be almost makes you weak, resulting in actually letting go. fast you grab on with the other hand, a new perception, and this one makes sense, but only because you convinced yourself it does, ya know. just like last time, and just like soon to be. lets keep our minds fixated on one, never a wrong inside, accepting the wrong outside. your grip gets stronger, of course, but now is it because you've just convinced yourself moreso then the last time? god forbid we ever realize there's definitely going to be another after this. god forbid. soon through our eyes. soon through present's perception. soon through our heart. and it'll embrace us as life, as everything, as the only thing. we never see them as thoughts blown out of perportion, it's just overwhelming life. what can we do? where can we go? what's chasing us isn't in the world, but it's the world we're running from. we're truly running from what's in our minds, but our mind is where we try to find serenity."


it's beautiful being able to reflect on that years later. i've really settled down into a nice comfortable stance on life, fortunately. i could have so easily been swaid into a horrible horrible outlook on life, without truly being aware. I've always been pretty open minded, but looking from a stance now, i was so oblivious to so much, regardless how much i thought otherwise at the time. I guess there is SO much, even now, in all of us, that is still untapped, and we know none of it because it's inconcievable to even ponder something that hasn't even presented itself to you. I'm 18 now, and i feel like my perception is going to continue with me for the rest of my life, obviously building alot, alot of growth, but i feel that the backbone of it is truly firm now in life, but god knows what the future holds.
i was wondering, having no concept (muchless the opportunity to speak to those a little older who basically live a lifestyle as me: a world wonderer), i was wondering how everyone in the big green field's journey through finding their own god, their own place in life, their own perception on life... i was wondering how their journey has been. ohhh, looking back on adolescence, maybe a little later, regardless. i think it's beautiful reflecting.
also, how old were you guys and gals when you finally found yourself, the self you are today. are any of you still searching?


MOZELTOV ETHAN! you're second post here on ol' big green =). you all betttttter get used to hearing from this ol' coot =) <3

[nirgal]

I'll think on this a bit.... but for now
The more you look the more you find. So, I don't know if I've "found my self" I recognize my self though. Nothing is static and everything is sacred. Anything can happen at any time and simultanoeusly every thing is nothing and it's always now.......I'm comfortable in my skin, now and I like the incomprehensability of it all (even my own spelling) ;)

[HoneySuckleBlue]

It is impressive to me how aware you were at 15. I was so oblivious when I was that old and boys were my only concern...at 15 you were realising things that I'd only begun to understand at almost twice that age :)

I'm very glad your here Ethan and I am looking foreward to replying to this because it gives me an occasion to rewalk that part of my life which has to me, been an epic struggle of wondering and understanding.

When I was about seven our eight we lived in an apartment complex down in Corpus Christi, Texas. I don't remember much about it just that there was a field off to one side and a large dumpster.

One day we were out playing on some palate (mebbe it's just me but that is a really strange looking word).

I was walking down the slats and pretending it was a ship (we played ship all the time:) ) I looked up when I turned the corner, but not down...

What resulted in that split second was a nasty infection from a rusty nail. A few days later a thin red line started to creep up my leg from the bottom of the offending foot.

When it got to my knee my mom called the minister and he called his people and we all met at his house.

They made a circle and put this oily cloth on my forehead and said some words. Then my mom thanked them and we went home.

The next morning when I woke up the line and the fear was gone.

Our church did not believe in immunisations so Tetnus and lock jaw were very big concerns to me when I was younger, lol.


SO what healed the infection over night?

GOD? Sleep?...or my belief that there was in fact some source that would affect my body and make it right again?


So far I've come to believe in a very real ability to regenerate and change sensations from perceptions (The minds ability to relocate durring times of intense stress or pain facinates me, I usually just experiment on my self though :)) whether it be GOd or me I don't always know, but it works and for now that's enough.

There are so many instances like the dumpster scene that have defined my god to me...but there are always more questions, because like you said Ethan the perception grows. There is always more to be understood.

So you gotta pace yourself, have some fun, but still pursue your answers.

I think this is going to be a very interesting ready when every one gets going, I can't wait to hear the rest of y'alls stories!

[mariecstasy]

wow. and you were 15? damn i didnt start thinking like that until a couple years ago.

[MagnanimityMan]

yeah =\. my mind and thought used to kill me. not initially. truthfully, i believe it was smoking and mushrooms that truly began this kind of lateral thinking for me. the pain in the thought wasn't present until around that age, 15. i just remember being spun by thoughts i knew were out there, but i hadn't the answer. i didn't know this type of thought was shared by so so many. all i knew was no other kid around school was like this. for a while much of my thought was very pesimistic=(. i saw so many kids free in their head, happy. all i thought about was how horrible we're treating this planet, how we're going to die, etc. then i began thinking why i shoudl be alive, why anyone should. it kinda kept falling down the spiral a while, but when i was around 16 i started realizing that ALLLL this that was burdening me (SO much more then i just stated) was just a little thought in my head. this thought was built upon by SOOO many other thought. Now this nasty thought that has has a lot of fuel and time to manifest itself was completely dragging me down. this THOUGHT. nothing physical, nothing truly hurting me, just a thought. i stepped back and realized that i was completely ruined, very depressed, and distraught, all because of this little thought. then i came to realize that we create out own thought. that we literally choose to react a certain way to a certain thing, and the way we do react to something can THROW our feeling into a direction. (i know now that so many people don't notice this, and their life and thoughts are up to the winds direction, not that this is bad) It came to me that EVERYTHING that has happened already happened, it's done, it's inevitable... and i guess i realized that if we create our own thought, why not think in a positive way? if you can't control something that has happened, why think in a manner that will leave you feeling horrible. leave YOU FEELING horrible... the only thing that matters... your state of mind... why choose to make yourself feel horrible? and by then i knew more then anyone that i've made myself feel horrible all this while. if we think in a positive way, our emotions resulting from any thought will be positive. i kinda thought "oh, don't kid yourself" etc... but i came upon a qoute somewhere... it went something like "people believe thought is so spontanious. you FALL in love... OVERWHELMED with anger" etc... it motivated me that "convincing" yourself isn't a blind thing to do, but letting the wind carry my thought was a stupid thing to do.

i dont know if that is me "findign" myself, but i truly believe that was a touch of light, it completely changed my life. immediately i began feeling better, not only no longer weak and lethargic, but truly lifted, happy in the deeeepest corner of my chest. i began taking nothing bad to heart. realizing that everythign happens, had happened, and will continue to be written in stone as it happening, so why fret if it's doing nothing but bringing yourself down? then i started noticing EVERYTHING beautiful we have on this planet, that all this time my downer state of mind blinded me from everythign beautiful. all the unconditional happiness this world has to offer. from that moment, i have been on a skyrocketing spiral, upwards.
when i was 17 i was introduced to buddhism by a female friend of mine. the rest is Ethan today. a smile hasn't left my face in probably a year now, not because i'm barely griiping onto the lifestyle of pushing things aside, but for reasons i dont even know. i feel so secure, so happy, so unconditionally happy. if i had to explain it, it feels like i'm floating in a space of bliss.

i appologize this entry was so long. i really did get into this post though =). i also think it's a good way everyone can get to understand ethan a little better. i try to be very very very open... especially around good folk that i expect on knowing and getting to know a while and a little more.

love you all.

[HoneySuckleBlue]

People are sooo different and yet we are soo much alike. It still elates me to find others that think like I do...or I think like them, or whatever.

My whole process started after I took 7 hits of LSD for the first time. Hell of a wake up call...after that I ate alot of stinking blotter...and searched for answers.

All that searching landed me in jail and got me expelled from high school...who'da thunk that stuff was illegal. I then enrolled in the school of hard knocks:) , the people were waaay cooler there than public school.


So when you first posted you said you were squared up against an addiction...do you mind if I ask what to??

[nirgal]

7 hits would cause a lot of lateral thinking me thinks ;)

[HoneySuckleBlue]

Especially for your first go 'round...I was hallucinating like a madwoman! Had no concept of reality...my friends had to sit on me, lol...it was nuts I tell you!

[nirgal]

I've never done that much at a time........ but I haven't been the same sense. I've tried to explain to M what it's like and the profound effects it has on perception, but there is no way. If you don't face it, it's just an intillectual exercise.

[HoneySuckleBlue]

Yeah, you're never the same. It's just like choosing between the red and the blue pill (Matrix). Once you choose you can never go back.

[nirgal]

I don't want to go back:).... I want to know what's next!


15---18 is so far back now. I'm the same in some sense but then, again not at all. I never fit in with the norm, so I went my own way with all the consequenses. was reading about existentialism and things like that, Hess and Ram das , got kicked out of school for skipping too much and spending time in the park smoking dope and climbing trees. We used to go in the woods to trip and walk and feel the world.....Worried about the draft and if I'd have to go to Canada.... messed up a few times, got married too young, spent the rest of the time trying to figure myself out again... traveling a little... making things...... Last year was a revelation and I'm floating higher......:)

The past doesn't matter, it's all now anyway :)

[MagnanimityMan]

once lovely acid become completely completely dry down here in florida, which happened when i was in 10th grade, and is still to date completely dry, i tried dxm because a friend told me about it's effects, which are very similar to lsd. i began taking ccc's, and started drinking lovely cough syrup =(. i didn't think much was wrong with it, until i really started noticing how unattached i was becoming from my body, so much moreso then lsd (i'm talking about after you come down, days after even. when you'd normally of sobered up completely). i also noticed how much i began stuttering, and how it was truly destroying some brain of mine. i never noticed this from any of the other things i've done, regardless how much i did them. i told myself that i was never going to do it again, but =( . it wasn't until i told myself i needed to stop till i noticed how addicted i was to it. i haven't had any in a little over 3 weeks now, but i've been trying to kick it for almost a year =\. you can tell how hard of a time i'm having. but these 3 weeks have been the longest i've gone so far, i notice when i think about it i dont get as tight in my chest or shakey anymore. i hate the fact that i got into this =\. i should have never touched the dirty stuff. i just wish some acid was still around here. i used to be SO satisfied with a trip every week or two, maybe even three. never thought of it remotely as an addiction. i truly cherished it. but i got so involved in this crappy syrup that yatta yatta yatta yatta. i'm on a road to recovery =) i hope. i know being here is going to help alot. i even feel how typign this out has helped.

[MagnanimityMan]

nirgal, it was great of you to share. i imagine looking on my life when i'm a bit older, looking back on the journey. it must be amazing looking back, truly feeling it inside your memory. 50 years. it must be beautiful. i'm 18, but truly any sense of absorbing the world has come to me within the last 3, maybe 4 years. i'm so young, which is great, but i truly truly see and feel the greatness of having some age. i'm in no rush, but i feel for you, and i know i'd love to step in your shoes for a moment.

[nirgal]

I'm a lot "lighter" now, than I was at 18
......and you wouldn't want my shoes ;)

I sense you have a well developed sense of empathy, use it, it's a gift :)


After a while, maybe a long while, drugs won't matter anymore. Everything you found there is here, the trick is to learn to remember. Your body remembers, you just need to find a way to draw out the mmory.

[HoneySuckleBlue]

I am 32 and struggling with that very concept...The trick is transforming the Knowing into the Doing.

Seems so simple...

[nirgal]

Do by not doing.

You know how when you practice in the fiddle and sort of reach a certain point and can't quite get passed it? then you put it aside for a day or so and the next time you can suddenly do things you couldn't before? Wish I could just tap into that anytime.......

It's hard to let go....

moments of clarity

[HoneySuckleBlue]

...may they get longer!!

[nirgal]

I hope so! ...he says as he takes a hit of tobacco...... :eek:

[luvndrumn]

Aww, man!!! You puffin??!!! I thought you'd have lasted longer than, what, three days?

Oh well.:(

[nirgal]

Just a puff......... yeah there's a pipe and a can of cheesy tobacco.....Fortunately I hate pipes
Honey got me all rattled with her giddyness, you know how it goes...
:D

[HoneySuckleBlue]

Oh man, now I have guilt!!

[MagnanimityMan]

what a beautiful forum. thank you all.

[nirgal]

Have no guilt HSB :) Don't waist any energy on stuff like that. I wasted enough for everyone in here myself, so y'all are covered. :eek: But, I'm done with that now.

Everything that happens to us is our own doing.

[HoneySuckleBlue]

Yes it is a waste of energy to feel guilt, but this is theatrical guilt so it's all good :p

*hugs Ethan and smiles*

[Fractual_]

ethan man, your story sounds soooooo much like mine... i too started drinking cough syrup, and i just knew that something wasnt right with what was going on, that there was more to it. i too got really pessimistic for a while, and really seperated myself from the rest of my peers because like you, i knew no one else thought like i had. i can also really relate when you say you just grew to learn that they was just something people were attached to that you just werent fretting about. i had always been that careless easy going kindof mysterious kid. and like you, i dont think it really started until i started tripping. but the whole time, i remained living deeeep inside my mind like you said, and i stayed there for a loooooong time. only now am i just waking up to the physical world, and its a harsh reality for me to realize i think...