Untitled

[maryjaneguitargurl]

I get lost in your deep eyes.. the smell of your perfume.. I see everything. .. I saw you. you drowned there. I fell there.I caressed there.. I went to my land.. I saw you in the sand.. You are here .. Arent you>> who are You? just tell me. i love you. i dont know.. what is love? help me .. .. I miss you.. . ..you crawled into the bath with me but your dead.. How?.. I brush my hair.. I take your hair.. Put it on the walll.Abuse me.. I love it when you hurt me.. I miss you again.. You never write.. where are you.. i cant find.. the day .. the night seems as one.. we run.. I loose you.. I cant find you.. IM sad.. I search for years.. I find you.. You have a family.. she has your eyes.. I bought a friend... She helped me.. I went to the light.. I saw you there.. You held my hand.. We walked into his hands.. He let me speak..You closed your eyes.. We slept.


peace
chickens

[Roberta]

I like your stream of conciousness poem. Do you play guitar and compose songs as well? Your username suggests you might. Be a good thing.

[kidder]

'Help me... I miss you...' Up to those lines, you held me. Then you lost your focus. Remember as we write we not only communicate ideas, we communicate mood. Don't shift without the means to fully ensure the reader is moving with you.

[ghost_of_the_river]

good work. i really enjoy free writing of this type

[KittenX]

Sounded like a lunatic, frantic stream of conciousness. That can be quite a cool style.
I wonder if starting out more calmer, slower and gradually building up the tension towards the end would make this more effective and gripping.