My Manmade Kingdom

[maryjaneguitargurl]

"My Mandmade Kingdom"

Clap, stop, turn, light the flame
You place your cold hand in mine. Build me a kingdom of men and women where we can run to the whick of burning desire. You walk me to my throne I look, i cry, they turn, they die. I saw I killed.. Blood fills the streets .. it rains.. The stains on your shirt.. The promises that were made.. Now all gone....Rising trees.. Rocks.. Fall.. earth .. dies.. children.. CRIES.. Take me now.. No.. I cant.... Take the crown.. Take the silence.. The whisper is here.. You stole it.. The flame is bigger.. Burns My kingdom.. Clap. stop.. turn.. put out the flame.....

I just wrote this .. LOL.. haha.. WOW.. I scare myself.. Please give me any suggestions.. hehe danke

peace
chickens

[fulmah]

you receive kudos for writing prose poetry! pretty good, at that, as well! I like the contrasts, indecisiveness in, for example, "Take me now. No." :)
The "earth dies children cries" I think could maybe use replacing, and I can't tell if the first line is supposed to be "Clap, stop, turn, light the flame" or if that's the title, but I think it should be part of the poem, and the rest of it should run right along after it, it would create a nifty circular effect!

[maryjaneguitargurl]

Ya its part of the poem.> The title is my mandmade kingdom..

peace
chickens