Staying In The Closet is Driving Me NUTS!

[LogsOnSticks]

Okay, I'm sure some of you remember my very first post here, regarding the situation on how to handle my homosexuality and how to openly confront it, when my life revolves around many obstacles that avoids me from doing so...

I came to the conclusion to wait in terms of coming out...I haven't even told a single soul...

So what are the results to that conclusion?

I've been feeling like shit, basically. Psychologically, I feel like I can't accomplish anything...School isn't as fun (Yeah, I do enjoy it), and my interactions with family life and friends is really negative...I'm occassionally grouchy, lazy, and selfish, and that often impacts those around me...Plus, my faith has been a complete struggle lately...
Things have been so different ever since I came to the realization and self-acceptance that I was gay. You get so fed up in debating how you'll handle this for the rest of your life when you haven't even come out yet. Recalling my last thread, the fact that so many obstacles involving reputational standards are in the way, that I feel like I'm living two separate lives, and none of the two can ever coexist.

Sigh...When I decided to hold it in, I knew it would be a struggle, but I didn't think I'd nose-dive into a pit of anxiety and depression to the point where I feel helpless and hopeless...And I feel miserable, I'm not happy.

I love my school, my family, and how I'm pretty strong to my faith...But damn, I just look at the future and how I'm gay, and I'm afraid all of that will get fucked up, or it won't be the same. I don't want to completely sacrifice one life for the other...I know that if I am to come out now, there goes my school, and some of my relatives...And I know there must be sacrifices...

But I can't take it...I don't want to let myself dread the rest of my teenage years being in the closet when I'm trying to balance two different scenarios into one, because its not possible...I'm on the verge of breaking down, and I'm afraid I soon have no choice but to give up my life to relive another...But then, I don't want to give up most of the stuff I already cherish...My school, my relatives, who knows, maybe even and impact in my religion...

I hate to rant, and usually I'm a listener...But here, I have you guys to learn from....Has anyone felt similar situations? How did you handle them? Does anyone have ANY advice regarding my situation??? Thanks for listening.

[Taylor]

there are christian (I assume you're christian) gay people you know? And there are support groups of every religious denomination for gay people.

Also, which do you have family members who you think WOULD be supportive and not care? Cos in that case, you could talk to them and ask them not to mention it to anyone else.

School is a seperate matter. Each school and person is different and I can't tell you what is right and what is wrong for you.

[Defence_mechanism]

if its affecting you so negatively id advise you to tell someone. make it someone you can trust and someone who wont judge you for it.
it makes it so much easier when you've let the cat out of the bag, so to speak. a HUGE weight is lifted off your shoulders once you've told just one person. just make sure its the right person.

goodluck :)

[SelfControl]

Confessional? Just a thought. They'll tell you to hit yourself, but at least you could get it off your chest.

Religion is a real bastard, I can't imagine having anything but myself holding me back. I don't think religion was ever meant to make people feel bad about themselves, but you'll need to be comfortable with it yourself before you try and get other people to be comfortable with it.

[Bug_Man]

My advice would be to stay in the closet, allow me to back up the cement truck to your bedroom window and fill the closet to the top. Therefore you would never have to worry about coming out again. The Gambino's would be so proud!

[LogsOnSticks]

Yeah, my school is VERY different from others...All boys, and its main theme is to encourage the priesthood and vocational life to young men...
I love my school a lot, even though I'm not a socialite in school (Although this year has been different).
If I were to come out, it would be a big issue...I don't think I'd get kicked out, but the situation would have to be handled one way or another, and risking staying in my school as a homosexual may be, well, risky...

I'm also frustrated...I want to cherish some sort of relationship with a guy, you know? I'm not being selfish...I just want some sort of relationship with a guy I'd like, because I'll be happy...Not for sexual reasons, but more for a bond...Someone special to share intercourse with, you know? And when I think of that when I'm not even out, I know I can't get it UNLESS I come out...

I agree that my best and safest option right now is to come out to someone I know I can trust...I'm just reluctant, I guess...I gotta bring up the courage to come out to someone...And then I'll work from there...But damn, so many more problems with this to fix up...

SelfControl, I always hope that perhaps I'd be able to reveal my homosexual if someone were to directly bring it up, such as, "Are you gay?" Thats with someone I'd be able to trust upon, though...

[SelfControl]

Leaving the closet won't guarantee you'll find that special someone, I'm afraid. If you did come out, you may find people are more tolerant than you expect. But if you don't think those people will be able to treat you normally, I wouldn't do it.

[LogsOnSticks]

Well, of course Im not going to find "The one" in a heartbeat...But being out of the closet will heighten the chances of experiencing relationships with guys...

Thats the problem- I don't know if most of the people in my life will treat me normally...Naturally, I know some will, and some won't...As for my school, who knows?I'm pretty respected...But will they continue to respect me if I were out of the closet? Who knows...

Do I want to openly come out now? Maybe, maybe not...But I definitely wanna come out to SOMEONE...I'm just reluctant about it...

[rocknroll_girl]

My advice:


Come out to ANY and ALL family members you know or at least think you can trust. If your parents are iffy, however, be careful with this. They're key here. If you tell a sister or someone, make sure she knows NOT to tell your parents and make sure you can trust her (if this is the case- it's hypothetical, I don't know your family situation)

coming out to family is a big deal and helps a freakin' lot.

Likewise with school. Contrary to popular belief, it is indeed possible to only be out to a small group for a little while. It makes you feel soooo much better and is a world of improvement. If you're well-respected, you'd be surprised. People probably already suspect (not to make you nervous, it's just...will it come as a huge surprise, or not? that makes a difference)...and will take it in stride. Hopefully. Sounds like your school might be tricky.

[SelfControl]

People who genuinely like you, genuinely respect you, still will if you come out, because they'll know you're still the same person. So it's just a question of deciding who they are, and whether the rest of them are worth keeping.

[LogsOnSticks]

True, people always have suspicions on whether people are gay or not, but thats just based on stereotypes...And I wouldn't call myself the typical gay stereotype...Nor am I very masculine, either...Nor feminine...I'm in a different category, I guess in some way, you can say I'm neuter? lol

The only thing that would drive people towards suspicion of me being gay is that most of my friends in the past were girls, and I have never encountered any relationship yet at 16.
In fact, last month my friend and my younger sister were both telling me that they don't think I'm gay, even though I do have my little homo moments (Although every guy does) but that I'm definitely my own kind...

And if you think I'm at my school top "enjoy my surroundings," you're wrong...Not that I check guys out, because its onmly natural, but it wasn't and still isn't my intention of being in that school to check out guys and stuff...I'm sure you were kidding anyway, but just in case...

The problem with coming out to relatives who won't have a problem with it is that they'll end up telling people and other family members who may not take it lightly that I'm gay...And I don't want controversy, especially from my grandparents, because the information will bound to come across them someway somehow, and I'd feel guilty hiding it from them in the first place, even if they won't accept it...

Geez...This is crazy..

[SelfControl]

Satre was a tool though. You should think of yourself first, but don't forget that others exist. Too many gayers end up being stuck-up and arrogant pretty much because they had to get into that mindset to survive. It's shit.

[SelfControl]

Plus, to quote Red Dwarf: "All his mates were French"