slipping backwards

[silent breeze lotus]

over the last two years i startd to develop som kindov social phobia... i think it started out with bad experiences..paranoia and insequriteis.. at first i tried to figure out where it was all goin wrong n to try n resolve it .. but i ended up diggin too too deep, becoming more introverted and isolated and fearful of this madly complex web i found myself within.
Anyway a good side was it took me to som v new places and it opened me up to a lot of different things. so .. gradually i managed to uncoil myslef a lil, ..come back to the surface n try to accept this was how i was now and just keep tryin to face tha fears of the moment instead of trying to run away- as id started to. well i thought id been makin my way on... i still fear som of the depths because i know they are there and that i could easily go back to living in that reality and much worse. Balance to me sometimes feels like im walking on a tightrope.. n although ive accepted a lot.. it seems like there is just too much to fully accept everything. ..
sorry for rambling,, i think im just tryin to gain som form of clarity for myself here.... just --the other day i went back to visit my mum n sister.. and all was great until i met my sisters friend and from out of seemingly nowhere my body seems to compress itself, my nerves got the better of me and i sterted to feel verging on a panic attack.. its physical- where i tense up and start shaking noticably which makes it difficult because im so concious of it and then my mind goes all over the place.. .. it really took me with suprise.. because this hasnt happened in a long time .. i just got out of there and went to play my drum n to calm myself. .. im starting to feel like im not getting anywhere and its all useless what i do. well.. im tryin to stay positive ..but when it comes to situations like this- i just feel i cant cope.. that myb im just not meant to be a social animal and i should go live in a cave in isolation. only i know i ned other people in my life and it makes me happy when i can... oooooogggh i just want rid of this fuckn thing tho.. it prevents me from living life as i could be.
ummmm.. thanks for reading .. this just makes me feel so alone somtimes

[sylvanlightning]

You hear yourself calling and are taking time to be in the silent stillness. There is nothing wrong with this. Find a balance between activity and aloneness. The activity of: work, school, family and friends. The aloneness of: drumming, writing, reading, meditating or nature walking. Nourishment is found in the balance. Perhaps you could find peers interested in drumming circles or who reflect your likes. We can only hear our own voice in the silence. Be gentle with yourself. You give and give and give and then need time to just be... not having to talk or respond in any way. This is perfectly natural. If panic attacks come turn to deep slow breaths and conscious relaxation. Excuse yourself and go to the restroom or outside for fresh air. Allow your body to be the ally that it is and it will tell you when you need to withdraw.

Bright Blessings

[silent breeze lotus]

yeaa..... thanks for that.. its good to hear it from someone else!!

i sometimes go into a tendancy of extremes, i used to be ok with that and had great fun with it .. but now not anymore ..so i try to avoid it and level it.. as it takes me too far otherwise.. so when i find and am within balance its like bliss. silence indeed!! I think i probably do need to be a lil kinder to myself.. i can b very patient but now and again it just wears, when it seems im movin to nowhere.. and i get harsh with my own expectations for myself .. i spent a lot of time living in my head and neglecting my poor ol body or tryin to fight with it... so its been kindv hard creating a harmony and listening to its needs. its quite mad.. all these little disputes and battles goin on within seem so comparable to all the shit goin on in the outside world, which in som form of reality seem so petty, even tho they do cause a lot of pain.. but sometimes it does add a little light on the importance of acheiving (hmm and maintaining) a balance. Hope that doesnt all sound so self-obsessed!! :-
i dont have so many friend here at the moment.. i find it difficult to make or maintain friendship.. as when i feel good i can b cheerful n positive.. but when the bad creeps in people dont want to kno.. ah ..n i hate to feel like im giving off bad vibes... just bad experience again myb!

aaaanyway.. thanks again for your encouragments!! :) .. think i will try to get doin som dance or movements again.. let my body be free to do what it needs to and allow my mind to breath in that silvery silence x