What do you think?

[LaurenElizabethHart]

Okay, so this is new, and I'm wondering if you guys have any suggestions, comments, etc.

Hold fast & don't slip away
I'll hold you close under the police lights
I'll kiss you in the light of the sirens
We'll watch the whole world decay
In this suburb of New Orleans

Take your feeble hand in mine
We'll walk from this bonfire for the last time
I left my inhabitions in those cop cars
I left my ambitions behind those jailhouse bars

We race through this tired city with the windows down
Our love is too big for this silent town
I feel in the dark for your angel face
I whisper "I love you" in this drunken state

Today, I'll step out of the spotlight
I'll smoke my last cigarette, underneath this blacklight
Leaving those backseat days behind in the daylight
I'll never forget your eyes that night

In those days where the world made sense
With shorts drives going nowwhere at the world's expense
Tonight I'll take my sleeping pill that's coma white
I'll drug myself into forgetting the look on your face that night

[StayuYona]

in line 7 the phrase "bonfire for the last" kills the stanza's overall cadence; I'd replace the word "the" with the word "one" just to aid with meter
^actually I'd change it to "bonfire just one last"... sorry if I sound too critical

[Vetty214]

Overall this was a solid poem. I did wonder about the sequencing: you go from police lights, to bonfire, to racing through the city, to spotlight/blacklight. You might ask yourself if these are in the best order.



Hold fast and don't slip away
I'll hold you close under the police lights,
kiss you in the light of the sirens,
watch the world decay
In this suburb of New Orleans

Take your feeble (?- like in old? might find a better adj.) hand in mine
We'll walk from this bonfire for the last time
I left my inhabitions in those cop cars
behind those jailhouse bars

We race through this tired city with the windows down
Our love is too big for this silent town
I feel in the dark for your angel face
I whisper "I love you" in this drunken state (this rhyme didn't work for me)

Today, I'll step out of the spotlight
I'll smoke my last cigarette, underneath this blacklight
Leaving those backseat days behind in the daylight
I'll never forget your eyes that night

In those days where the world made sense
With short drives going nowwhere at the world's expense (? the world paid your expenses? this is confusing...)
Tonight I'll take my sleeping pill that's coma white (this is excellent/original)
I'll drug myself into forgetting the look on your face that night

I hope you don't feel discouraged by my input. I only provide input when the poem is already 99% there. This was a good poem, like that you are talking about a specific city... nice.