my first poem on here

[Ellis]

Leave the day
I will kiss you
leaves have danced
its twirley dance
dark brown eyes lift me up
a smile like no other
give me your eyes
and kiss me your smile
through the grass and clovers we will meet
sing to me, my love
drink to our life
listen to what I have to say

I will leave the day with you
and share a life
pick a flower near the road
and save it from the world
put it in your hair
and wave it in the air
go under the bridge and sleep
'till life turns as beautifull as your soul


You may sleep forever.



This is really weird because I just made that up...
I'm not even in love, I think. Whatever, it's strange.

[sylvanlightning]

I feel it. Thank you for sharing.
Were you looking for feedback on structure?
Sweet poem.

[fulmah]

I agree with sylvan, this was a touching work. I really really liked the first three lines, that's some good wordplay, and the rhyme, alone as it sits in the middle of your second stanza, makes it that much more powerful, a technique that many poets, far older than you, never grasp.... wonderful work, thanks for sharing it :)

[Ellis]

Thank you...

[gdhmomchild]

Thanks for sharing hun~!

[shoelaceknots]

Wow.........i really enjoy that poem of yours. it's beautiful. I think it means a little more to we who are in love, maybe......well...it at least meant something to me. great work. you know.....you could try to publish that.........that's how much i enjoy it!
If you have no way, like at your school or anything, to get it sent in to be looked at to possibly publish........i'm here for you........until November 30th.....teehee...the school here in town is taking part in letting their students submit poems to possibly get published..and i could always send in yours, with YOUR NAME on it...and your school......eeh...just tell me if you want to do that or not...and i'll talk to the teacher here in town who is taking the poems to send them in......i'll talk to her about her sending one from another person that's in another school....or i'll just ask her for the paper she has talking about it.......i'm blabbing, i'll shut up.

[abnormal_cat]

The interesting thing for me is the part about “may you sleep forever”.

[Ellis]

Shoelaceknots-
I think it's really sweet of you that you want to do that, but it's okay, I don't really feel like publishing it or something. But thank you for the compliment. :)