a controlled slide

[kitty fabulous]

ok, i'm getting a divorce. anyone who's seen me posting elsewhere in the forums is probably aware of that by now. predictably, my stress level is high, and as there have been a lot of fights and my soon-to-be ex is very critical of everybody in the best of times (and even more so of me right now) my self-esteem is starting to plummet. i'm trying not to let it drop into depression, but it seems to be heading that way.

i've spent so long telling myself i'm a fuck-up, and i've been trying to counter that & change my life. negative communication patterns are very difficult to change, especially when you're with a partner who simply prefers shouting. my sleep schedule has been really messed up, and i think i'm addicted to caffeine. i've been trying to walk at least a mile every day, but in general since the stress has started climbing i haven't been taking very good care of my health. i've been eating less, i guess the stress i making me not very hungry.

i've found myself on an emotional roller-coaster and can't find the breaks. i've sabotaged new friendships, pushed long-time pals away, wasted to much time emailing someone i should probably forget about, withdrawn into a little shell, exploded in anger & just about everything except bursting into tears, which of course is what i really want to do & don't seem to be able. part of me feels hysterical, another part is going numb inside. the cold, rational part of my brain is telling me that these are all perfectly normal reactions to a life-altering change like the ending of a marriage, and that i'll get through this, but it doesn't seem to be helping much.

i was seeing a counsellor. recently i got a phone call from her informing me that the center was closing and that she would no longer be practicing. i've had some bad experiences being "processed" in the "mental health mill" when i was on welfare; so i am very cautious & picky about selecting a counsellor. i'm considering art therapy. has anyone here been to an art therapist for depression?

[gdhmomchild]

...ok now hun, stop a sec and BREATHE....in...out.....few more times.....
Sort it out a bit what can you change, what can't you....what really doesn't require your attention right this moment...
I've used the serenity prayer like a list,
accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Sometimes the wisdom is a bit slower,lol, I tend to get wound up at times too.
But y'know...fuck his opinion...sry but what he thinks really doesn't matter hun. You know yer a good person and parent and obviously smart since yer so close to getting a degree.....3
Only thing that matters is your opinion of that person you face every day in the mirror. If theres something you don't like, don't beat yourself up about it, change it~! Remember...breathe...

[teepi]

Now I understand a little why you were so insensitive to me....
Hope things work out for you.

GDH mom is right...take this time to start a new chapter in your life, take stock of things that are and aren't working for you and do some things you've always wanted to do but there was always an excuse not to.

good luck,
teepi

[angelgodiva]

Don't allow depression to set in, sweetheart. Take a deep breath, square your shoulders, and strike out immediately on that new adventure that is otherwise known as the rest of your life.
You now have time to develop yourself, and one thing that will help (this works, I promise) is to find something you can do for someone else.
There is always someone worse off than you are. Find him or her and commit a random act of kindness...you'll find that if you do this. your own troubles become smaller and entirely manageable.
Love and blessings.

[mariecstasy]

i understand so very much. you know i am going through the same thing.
even though, i am the one who took the move to gain my life back and i was the one that left, all the things you have spoken of are happening to me too. it really doesnt help when you get stuck in the cycle of self doubt and depression. i slip in and drag myself out. its really frustrating, i know i will get through it.
i know you will get through it. we will be better in the end. just as i will. we are afforded the opportunity to take our lives and mold and fashion them the way we want. there are things we have no control over...but we do have control over how we react to the negative we are feeling. we can choose. we can let it drag us down or we can look it in the face and see what it really wants from us.
i am not at all insisting that i have figured this all out. if you could live in my head for a day, you would give your life up just to get out of it. so i am in no way stable..however, i can say that there has been some amazing changes that i have undergone. there are some fantastic things i have realized and am able to choose to change about myself and what i want in this life.

so try to turn the perspective around...instead of looking at how this sucks, lets figure out how this is a blessing.

kitty and i have both been one anothers supports, in some ways, through these stages, as we are both feeling so much of the same stuff.