Attempt to write lyrics

[*electrica*]

This is for the day when I learn to play my geetar. Then I'll have a song with structure lol.

Near Death

Tear-tracked satin nightgown
A glimpse of peak and curve
Gassing the car I've taken
I am the mystery I deserve

Nervous in my arm
That look, he knows it's blue
Nuzzled close, he's all I've got
But soon I'll lose him too

I'm so tired, I'm so tired
Lonely, lost and needy
Crying out for someone
Why doesn't anybody see me?

Do you see north? that's me
All couch and freezerburn
Cold and numb, deserted
I knew I could never return

I see south and I want it
All noisy filth and endless
The siren song calls me down
I go as I am, friendless

I'm so tired, I'm so tired
All chilly sweats and tv
Hunger I won't acknowledge
Why doesn't anybody see me?

11 means the end
Of a family with no crime
Because I cannot stand my life
I have too much empty time

401 means something
I cannot guess what's there
Just an all too brief escape
From this life that won't repair

I'm so tired, I'm so tired
But I cannot stop this weaving
Driving onwards to find what?
Why doesn't anybody see me?

I rang you for the painting
Dear god, what was I thinking?
You didn't care, you never will
It was just that you'd been drinking

I got lost and I broke down
So awkwardly you let me stay
You fooled me again, you always do
You play so nice, 'til I go away

I had to go back north
But I felt hopeful now, and new
Then I opened up my mouth
And was shut out by you

I'm so tired, I'm so fed up
You seem to like to tease me
But I'm just too blind to realise
That you've never even seen me

[mebesideme]

Many people I know have trouble writing music to lyrics, it is much better to write words for notes. JUst letting you know. Anyway, I like the song a lot! I hope it does get music put to it!

[sylvanlightning]

I am the mystery I deserve




Thank you for sharing your work.

http://hipforums.com/forums/showpost.php?p=285558&postcount=11

[kidder]

I like your lyrics. A deeply personalized effort with attention to contrast and mood. I think most of it works but you have the luxury all writers do- to enlist, delist and rechoose. Try this: Choose the four stanzas you like best. Go through each carefully, say them out loud and try, really try, in these best of what you've written to change just a few things. To retool and polish to see what happens. In a longer work like this it's a challenging job to sit down again and give it 'ell but that's what writers must do. It's easier when the work ahead is concentrated on but a few. Then reinsert the four with the rest and see what the effect is. It'll give you an idea of what can be accomplished when you focus your creative energy on something meaningful to you. Good luck, poet!

[*electrica*]

Um, ok. Thanks for the input. I'll just change everything that happened that day so that my poetry can meet your standards. I'm not too concerned with being great so forget it.

[kidder]

NUff, said! I love writing and I love poetry and I love lyrics. Just thought u wanted some input. Big mistake. Do as you wish. I'll never comment on your work again..

[lakeoffire]

I think your work is awesome! Keep it up!

[VanAstral]

Um, ok. Thanks for the input. I'll just change everything that happened that day so that my poetry can meet your standards. I'm not too concerned with being great so forget it.
You received some considerate, constructive criticism (with which I agree) (and to which I myself ought to consider)... it's kinda rare and should be appreciated.
"I'm not too concerned with being great" Yikes! Is that true?
And the 401 is a congested, polluted artery... 11 north: natural, distant, lonesome but hardly lonely.

[*electrica*]

You received some considerate, constructive criticism (with which I agree) (and to which I myself ought to consider)... it's kinda rare and should be appreciated.
"I'm not too concerned with being great" Yikes! Is that true?
And the 401 is a congested, polluted artery... 11 north: natural, distant, lonesome but hardly lonely.
Yeah, it's true I'm not concerned with greatness. I write because I like to. I didn't 'try' to write that. I almost killed myself one afternoon and the next day this just spilled out. It was totally raw, I didn't alter any of the original thoughts. That is why I refuse to work on it. That would be blurring the emotions. It is what I felt.

And I live up north on 11 and all my friends live Toronto or further south. So to me the 401 meant hope. That was the point.

[littleskinny]

Why does no-one ever want decent feedback in this place? I liked some of this a lot, but I too, would want to see it cut down a bit, particularly if it's lyrics - that'd be an epic song

[*electrica*]

Oh my god here we go. Give me feedback. But this is just one poem that will never ever no matter what be cut. It is the most personal, honest thing I've ever written. Every word single word means something to me and it can't be edited. The end.
Besides, epic songs are fun. Look at Bob Dylan. His songs never ended. Are you gonna tell me you'd want Lily, Rosemary and the Jack of Hearts edited? Three minute singles are lame. I wanted a long, rambling one. I have so many short poems already.
So in conclusion, give me feedback if you want, but this one poem is not going to be changed no matter what.

[littleskinny]

Don't be so mardy. We're all entitled to our opinions, and you are entitled to do as you will with your own work. But never be offended if people can't relate to your work in the way you do...how can they, when it's so personal?

[*electrica*]

Ok I do believe you guys have all been misinterpreting what I've been saying. No one's getting uppity here. I don't appreciate being told I am. I'm just saying what I feel, not being a bitch.

[fulmah]

I think I understand... for me, there's some pieces I have that represent a period of my own life where those pieces take on an iconic quality that I won't change just because every breath of that moment meant something, and that poem captures it, and reminds me of it.

That being said, I really enjoy the craft of poetry, and have always wanted to improve at it, and so, I personally find it *extremely* beneficial to get constructive opinion because if I can see what someone's saying, I can apply it to my next piece, or revise a piece I've let sit for a while that can be updated with new knowledge... I guess it amounts to taking what I want and using it as I will :)

Really, I just hope you keep posting! Your initial thoughts as they hit the paper, or any extremely thought out phrases and emotions; I much enjoy your writing and hope you share more of it!

[*electrica*]

I think I understand... for me, there's some pieces I have that represent a period of my own life where those pieces take on an iconic quality that I won't change just because every breath of that moment meant something, and that poem captures it, and reminds me of it. Praise the lord. That's all I was trying to say. Thank you. And I really do appreciate the critiquing and just because I won't change one poem doesn't mean I won't listen and apply it to anything else. It's just one freakin' poem that I want to keep as is.
But still, I do love writing but I don't see the need to strive for greatness. I'll work to be better when I myself believe I'm not as good as I can be. But this is just an outlet, not something that needs my perfection.


Really, I just hope you keep posting! Your initial thoughts as they hit the paper, or any extremely thought out phrases and emotions; I much enjoy your writing and hope you share more of it!Why thank you (blush blush).

[fulmah]

Really, I just like your style, and see near unimaginably high potential... just keep it coming! :)

[*electrica*]

Thank you again. That really makes me feel good. Will you marry me? lol


Then I can write angry poems at you too.