yyyesiam2
05-17-2004, 08:19 AM
i meant to post this here, but put it in the psychadelics forum. i'm kinda drunk.
i don't know where else to turn right now. i feel like letting myself crumble and deteriate along with the universe and existance itself.
from: my father
been feeling really suicidal. cant think of any good
reasons to stay around any more. i have outlived my
usefulness to the world, and dont really know if i
was of any use at all. the entropy keeps increasing
in the world, the universe, and in my life. so i am
asking you what good reason is there to stay around
in this world?
reply 1:
i can't claim to know what you are going through, but i have felt the
same exact way hundreds of times. every time that i get close to just
ending it all, i consider the alternative and the possibilities of what
could happen if i just stuck around till my time was up. right now is
probably not a time to be fake about anything. you have made alot of
mistakes in your life. those were your decisions, and you can't take
them back now. the fact that you are still around gives you the chance
to make amends-whatever way you are capable of accomplishing that task.
you have let yourself fall into a very deep rut; so deep, that it is
impossible for you to see the light of the outside world. that doesn't
mean it isn't there. if you are willing to put forth the effort it
takes to accept your mistakes and to genuinely express your love and
guilt over your past, i guaruntee u that u will see things in a new
light. all i have been waiting for from you is exactly that. i want for
our relationship to be closer than it ever was. i want to hug you, and
feel you hug back-without any stiffness that suggests a certain
guardedness againgst your own son. i love you so much, and i'm tired of
past events making it hard for me to tell you that. so fuck it. i don't
care anymore.i love you. i want you to feel like you can show your true
self-no matter how dark or different it may be. i want to be close to
my father. i want to understand you. i don't want you to think that
noone in the world understands you. i don't want to think that noone in
the world understands me. for some reason, we seem to be similar
entities. maybe there is such thing as reincarnation, and we were meant
to be in contact. it just sucks that we let our intense similarities
drive us apart so much. if you want a reason to live, other than the
millions you could think of if you could just get yourself out of this
hole of repetitive thought that you've trapped yourself in, then let it
be me. if you leave me without ever having let me know who you are, i
will forever be haunted by that. if you must go, then at least get to
know your own seed first. that means me, cedar, and franz. tell us you
are sorry. tell us you love us-especially cedar. i don't think he's
heard it enough from you. leave with us a memory of your
heart-something you have rarely-if ever-shown us. i have one memory of
you that i will always cherish. that is the memory of me and franz
sitting on your lap while you read to us some story about soup or
something. i don't remember the story very well-except for the ending
where it all get's silly-but i remember the feeling of love and
security i felt sitting on your lap. that will never leave me. please
leave me with more of those memories. i don't know what else to tell
you except that life is a very complicated game. you've been breaking
the rules for quite some time, but it's never too late to fix things. i
love you.
Quinn
reply:2-20 minutes later.
to reply to another thing you said: you said you didn't know if you had
served any purpose in the world. i don't know about how you have
affected others, but i know what you have taught me. you taught me that
everything is not what it seems most of the time. you taught me not to
trust every idea or institution that comes along that doesn't make
logical sense to me. you taught me from an early age to shield myself
from gov. propaganda-something that most parents have obviously not
taught their children. you taught me the importance of what i put into
my body. you taught me the importance of feeding my intellect. you
taught me how to learn. most importantly, you taught me how to survive.
considering the effect you've had on me, i know you must have affected
other people's lives in your past. i also know that there is an
intelligent soul trapped under all of the stress, repression of
emotion, and pain that you have endured in your life. a major part of
your journey is healing, especially now. now is the time to cry,
dad-even if it doesn't feel possible. howl at the moon.tell the world
of your pain. only then will your body and mind begin to heal
themselves. i have said all that i can. the rest is up to you.
i don't know where else to turn right now. i feel like letting myself crumble and deteriate along with the universe and existance itself.
from: my father
been feeling really suicidal. cant think of any good
reasons to stay around any more. i have outlived my
usefulness to the world, and dont really know if i
was of any use at all. the entropy keeps increasing
in the world, the universe, and in my life. so i am
asking you what good reason is there to stay around
in this world?
reply 1:
i can't claim to know what you are going through, but i have felt the
same exact way hundreds of times. every time that i get close to just
ending it all, i consider the alternative and the possibilities of what
could happen if i just stuck around till my time was up. right now is
probably not a time to be fake about anything. you have made alot of
mistakes in your life. those were your decisions, and you can't take
them back now. the fact that you are still around gives you the chance
to make amends-whatever way you are capable of accomplishing that task.
you have let yourself fall into a very deep rut; so deep, that it is
impossible for you to see the light of the outside world. that doesn't
mean it isn't there. if you are willing to put forth the effort it
takes to accept your mistakes and to genuinely express your love and
guilt over your past, i guaruntee u that u will see things in a new
light. all i have been waiting for from you is exactly that. i want for
our relationship to be closer than it ever was. i want to hug you, and
feel you hug back-without any stiffness that suggests a certain
guardedness againgst your own son. i love you so much, and i'm tired of
past events making it hard for me to tell you that. so fuck it. i don't
care anymore.i love you. i want you to feel like you can show your true
self-no matter how dark or different it may be. i want to be close to
my father. i want to understand you. i don't want you to think that
noone in the world understands you. i don't want to think that noone in
the world understands me. for some reason, we seem to be similar
entities. maybe there is such thing as reincarnation, and we were meant
to be in contact. it just sucks that we let our intense similarities
drive us apart so much. if you want a reason to live, other than the
millions you could think of if you could just get yourself out of this
hole of repetitive thought that you've trapped yourself in, then let it
be me. if you leave me without ever having let me know who you are, i
will forever be haunted by that. if you must go, then at least get to
know your own seed first. that means me, cedar, and franz. tell us you
are sorry. tell us you love us-especially cedar. i don't think he's
heard it enough from you. leave with us a memory of your
heart-something you have rarely-if ever-shown us. i have one memory of
you that i will always cherish. that is the memory of me and franz
sitting on your lap while you read to us some story about soup or
something. i don't remember the story very well-except for the ending
where it all get's silly-but i remember the feeling of love and
security i felt sitting on your lap. that will never leave me. please
leave me with more of those memories. i don't know what else to tell
you except that life is a very complicated game. you've been breaking
the rules for quite some time, but it's never too late to fix things. i
love you.
Quinn
reply:2-20 minutes later.
to reply to another thing you said: you said you didn't know if you had
served any purpose in the world. i don't know about how you have
affected others, but i know what you have taught me. you taught me that
everything is not what it seems most of the time. you taught me not to
trust every idea or institution that comes along that doesn't make
logical sense to me. you taught me from an early age to shield myself
from gov. propaganda-something that most parents have obviously not
taught their children. you taught me the importance of what i put into
my body. you taught me the importance of feeding my intellect. you
taught me how to learn. most importantly, you taught me how to survive.
considering the effect you've had on me, i know you must have affected
other people's lives in your past. i also know that there is an
intelligent soul trapped under all of the stress, repression of
emotion, and pain that you have endured in your life. a major part of
your journey is healing, especially now. now is the time to cry,
dad-even if it doesn't feel possible. howl at the moon.tell the world
of your pain. only then will your body and mind begin to heal
themselves. i have said all that i can. the rest is up to you.